Learning Curve

by Rachel Spangler

  “Tess, I meant what I said earlier. I want to help you.”

  “You can’t.” The pouting, sulking tone Ash had come to expect from her was absent. This time Tess’s voice was filled with desperation.

  “Why not?” Ash asked softly. Normally she would have been sure she could handle anything, but after everything that had happened in the past twenty-four hours, she wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

  “My mother is determined to save my soul, and I can’t take another day of it.”

  “Those marks on your shoulder, those are supposed to save you?” Ash felt anger welling up inside her.

  Tess snorted. “Yeah, she’d like to shake the gay right out of me.”

  “Tess, you don’t have to stay there. I know Carrie would take you in.”

  Tess dismissed the idea quickly, and Ash realized she was probably not the first person to think of it. “Mother would never let me live with another lesbian.”

  “Screw her.” Ash raised her voice. “She hurts you, she doesn’t get a say. We’ll call a social worker.”

  “She’ll turn me over to Catholic family services rather than let someone outside of the church take me. Would you like to go live in a Catholic home for troubled dykes? You want to sign yourself up for some reparative therapy bullshit?”

  “What’s the alternative? You can’t go home, you can’t live with anyone other than the Catholics, so what can you do?”

  “You’re looking at it.” Tess looked down at herself and then back toward the bar.

  “No, that’s not an option, either.” Ash was adamant about that; she knew now that she couldn’t let Tess go down that road.

  “Why not? It worked for you, didn’t it?” Tess was trying to muster up some of that defiance she usually hid behind, but Ash could see through it now.

  “You can do better than I did.”

  “Better? Is this a pep talk? Is that what you think I need right now?” Tess was next to tears.

  “It’s not a pep talk, it’s the truth. You can do better than I did, but not if you go back into that bar. If you go back there, you’re going to turn into another hard, lonely kid just like I was.”

  “So what’s wrong with that? When was the last time someone hurt you?”

  Ash caught her hand. “Today.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  They started walking again.

  After a while, Ash said, “Tess, I was stubborn and independent, but that didn’t keep me from being hurt. I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told anyone.” She took a deep breath. “A long time ago I lost the woman I loved because I was so busy trying not to get hurt that I didn’t even realize I was in love with her. She found a great woman, and they’ve built the perfect life. I missed out, and I’ve kept missing out ever since then. Hell, just today I did it again without even meaning to. Don’t let yourself turn out like that.”

  Tess slowed down. Looking into Ash’s eyes, she said, “I don’t know how not to. Do you?”

  Ash thought carefully. “A gay-friendly Catholic home that would be willing to take in a feisty young lesbian?”

  Tess nodded. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, and the night wind blew her hair around.

  “Actually”— Ash laughed in spite of the pitiful sight in front her—“I may know just the person to help out.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Ash slowed the car to almost an idle as she turned onto Mason. Large oak trees filtered the soft light of porch lamps and projected shadows onto the two-story homes that lined the street. She thought to herself that the neighborhood was probably very warm and welcoming under normal circumstances, but given the current situation its silence seemed tense and fragile. She knew Tess’s house without even seeing the address. Light shone through every bay window on the lower level, illuminating first the pristine white porch and then tumbling out onto the perfectly manicured lawn, providing a bright contrast to the sleepy darkness of the surrounding homes.

  “Mary’s here,” Ash said, a little surprised to see her friend’s station wagon parked across the street.

  Tess looked over blankly as though she were incapable of processing anything beyond the conflict that awaited her. “That’s Carrie’s house.” Ash felt her heart skip a beat and her breath catch in her throat. Carrie was Tess’s neighbor, how could she have forgotten that? She would have been the first suspect when Tess went missing. She and Mary were probably beside themselves right now, perhaps even sitting in there with Tess’s mother.

  As they stepped onto the porch, Ash saw the welcome mat in front of them and found it ironic since she was most certainly not going to be welcomed into the house. Before she could even process the thought fully, the front door swung open and a woman who could have been Tess’s older sister stood in the doorway. She was younger than Ash had expected, probably only in her early forties. Her hair was long and blond like Tess’s, her body was lean and trim with only minimal signs of gravity beginning to take its toll, and her eyes were the same piercing blue, but with none of the spark.

  “Get your hand off my daughter” was all she said, in a tone so quiet and cold it sent a shiver down Ash’s spine.

  Ash didn’t move. “Take a step back.”

  “I will not.” The woman flinched slightly but remained planted in the doorway.

  “Fine, we can do this on the front porch, then. I’m sure all your neighbors will be interested to hear you’ve been trying to beat your teenage daughter into submission.”

  A flash of anger flicked across the woman’s face, then she looked past Ash with a frown.

  “Tess!” Carrie rushed up the pathway. Mary was right behind her. “We’ve been so worried.”

  Chaos reigned for a moment as everyone spoke at once. Somehow they all ended up in Tess’s living room. The interior was smaller than it looked from the hallway, or maybe it just felt that way. An entertainment center occupied the front of the room, and a couch sat behind a coffee table along the back wall. A recliner and another little end table sat in front of a large bay window on one side of the room, and the other side branched off into either a set of stairs or a long hallway. The only real decoration was a large crucifix that hung over the television. Ash wondered briefly what message that was supposed to convey to visitors.

  “What happened to you?” Carrie touched Ash’s cheek, sending a sting through the side of her face.

  “That?” Ash had forgotten about the punch she’d taken only about an hour before. “That’s a wake-up call.”

  Carrie looked at her quizzically. “Dare I ask what’s going on?”

  “It’s obvious, isn’t it?” Tess’s mother snarled. “I should call the police and have you arrested.”

  Ash reached over to a portable phone sitting on an end table. “Go ahead, call the police.” She took the receiver and thrust it in the woman’s face. “While they’re here, we can go ahead and show them the marks on your daughter’s shoulders.”

  “What marks?” Carrie asked.

  When Tess displayed the multicolored bruises, the color drained from Carrie’s face, and she looked like she was going to be sick. “Oh, my God. Who did that to you?”

  Tess didn’t have time to say anything before her mother snapped, “Take your hands off her.” To Ash, she spat, “The police won’t believe a word you say. You’re a dyke that’s been out all night, God knows where, with a half-dressed teenage girl.”

  “That’s ridiculous!” Ash was not comforted by the fact that, if asked, she’d have to admit she and Tess had been in a gay bar where she was drinking tequila and had gotten into a fistfight.

  “Is it? How do I know you won’t take advantage of her?”

  “Take advantage of her?” Ash rolled her eyes. “Lady, I have absolutely no romantic interest in your daughter.”

  Tess’s mother raked her with a cynical glare. “Just give me one reason why I should believe that.”

  “Because I’m in love with Carrie,” Ash blurted out.

  �
�What?” Carrie gasped.

  “Oh, my God.” Mary covered her mouth with both hands.

  “That’s not love, that’s lust,” Tess’s mother said, disgusted.

  Ash shook her head but kept her eyes locked on Carrie’s. Neither of them knew what to do with the revelation. Everyone seemed frozen, time suspended, until the silence was broken by a knock at the door.

  “Thank God.” Ash rushed to the door, thankful to escape the dazed stares.

  “Did you call me here at this ungodly hour to flirt or to help?” Betty asked as Ash showed her in.

  Ash laughed for the first time that night. “You’re here to save the day,” she said. “Without further ado, I’d like you all to meet Betty Ryan.”

  “Good evening, Elizabeth.” Betty greeted Tess’s mother in a tone that suggested familiarity.

  “Hello, Betty” came the guarded reply.

  “You two know each other?” Ash asked, not sure whether or not that was a good thing.

  “We attend the same church,” Tess’s mother answered, her mannerisms much more cautious than they’d been a few minutes prior.

  “Well, I guess that will make this easier,” Ash said.

  “Make what easier?” Elizabeth cast a confused look toward Betty.

  “To put it plainly”—Ash took a deep breath—“Tess will not be staying here.”

  *

  Ash watched as Mary’s taillights faded into the night. She finally willed herself to turn around and look at Carrie, afraid of what she might see. Carrie seemed stunned by the latest turn of events, or maybe she was simply reeling from Ash’s unexpected confession. Their eyes met and Ash felt her knees go weak at the softness in Carrie’s gaze.

  “I don’t know what to say,” Carrie said, in almost a whisper.

  “It’s okay,” Ash stepped closer. “I’ll start.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “I was a jerk today, and yesterday, too. Well,” she fumbled for words, “I guess I was kind of a jerk over the weekend, and what I am really trying to say is, I’m sorry?”

  “You’re sorry?” Carrie seemed flabbergasted.

  “Yeah, for the things I said earlier today, and for not telling you about Tess sooner and for, for everything really.” She looked away, suddenly worried that her apologies were too little, too late.

  “Ash.” Carrie took her hand, sending a spark through her fingertips that made Ash have to stifle a gasp. “I’m the one who should be apologizing. You tried to tell me earlier, didn’t you?” She covered her face with her hands. “The things I said to you, Ash. I’m so embarrassed.”

  Ash thought that Carrie was the most adorable thing she’d ever seen. She pulled her closer, holding her tight. “Carrie, I’m so glad you said it, all of it.”

  “How could you be?” Carrie buried her face in Ash’s chest.

  Ash reached down and gently tilted Carrie’s chin upward until they made eye contact. “If you hadn’t said it, I wouldn’t be here right now.”

  With that she bent just enough that their lips met, gently at first. Ash felt her knees buckle at the tenderness of the kiss, but as the seconds passed she felt the familiar heat of their earlier encounters begin to rise. She held Carrie in her arms tighter as their lips parted, giving way to hungry mouths. It took all of the strength she had to pull away.

  “We can’t do this here,” she said breathlessly.

  Carrie blinked. They both seemed to have forgotten that they were still standing in the street in front of her house. “You’re right.” She blushed. “Let’s go inside.”

  She took Ash’s hand and cut across the yard and onto the porch. Ash followed blindly behind her, so closely that they almost collided when they got to Carrie’s door.

  Carrie turned the knob one way and then the other before, frustrated, she resorted to simply shaking it in a vain attempt to open it.

  “The lock.” Ash chuckled, burying her face in Carrie’s neck and kissing the soft skin along the collar of her shirt.

  “God.” Carrie fumbled for the key. “Why do you always do this to me?” They stumbled through the doorway, laughing. “Do you think I’ll ever learn?”

  “Oh.” Ash smiled broadly at the sound of Carrie’s laughter. “I’m sure in time you’ll get used to it.”

  Carrie paused and looked into Ash’s eyes, her face illuminated by the streetlight shining through the open door. “Ash, you’ve got me on whatever terms you want me, but please don’t talk about a future. It’ll only get my hopes up.” Then she leaned in again, pressing their lips together.

  Ash’s head spun. Had Carrie misunderstood? As their lips parted slightly Ash felt Carrie’s tongue curl around her own. Her head was screaming at her to stop, but her body was crying out for something else. Carrie slid her hands up underneath her shirt. At the feeling of Carrie’s skin against hers, Ash felt her body begin to take control of the situation. She moved her hands to the small of Carrie’s back and lightly massaged the flesh beneath them. All the while the passion of their continued kiss increased.

  Then out of nowhere, the image of Carrie walking out the door flooded Ash’s mind, and she pulled away. “Carrie, wait.” Every nerve in her body protested the interruption. “We should talk.”

  “Talk?” Carrie stepped dangerously close again.

  “Yes, about where this is going.”

  “I thought this was going upstairs.” Carrie began unbuttoning Ash’s shirt.

  “Dear God,” Ash mumbled as she felt Carrie’s warm mouth kissing the now-bare skin on her chest. “Please, Carrie, I’m only human,” she said, summoning the remainder of her strength and pulling away one last time.

  “You really want to talk?” Carrie asked, seeming slightly leery of Ash’s intentions.

  “Yes, I want to talk.” Ash wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince Carrie or herself.

  “Okay.” Carrie reached past her to switch on a table lamp.

  Both women blinked and squinted as their eyes adjusted to the light that flooded the room. Ash looked around her. She should have known Carrie would have a perfect home. Soft colors filled the living room, from the cream-colored couch and love seat to the pale blue armchair in the corner. Everything said comfort. Everywhere Ash looked, there seemed to be books. They were spread out on the floor and the coffee table; they lined the walls in cases and in stacks. She hoped she would be around long enough to build bookcases for them all.

  Carrie sat down on the couch and motioned for Ash to sit next to her. Ash moved toward her, but when she inhaled the sweet smell of Carrie’s shampoo, she said, “I think I’d better stand. I don’t seem to have much restraint when I get too close to you.”

  “Ash, what is it?”

  “Carrie,” she started slowly, not exactly sure how to put her feelings into words, “I haven’t been in a real relationship in a long time, maybe not ever.”

  “I understand, and I’m not trying to change you,” Carrie answered, looking her directly in the eye.

  Ash couldn’t help but smile. “I don’t think you do understand.”

  “You’ve never misled me about what you want.”

  “I’ve misled me about what I want.”

  Carrie shook her head. “You need your freedom.”

  “That’s what I thought, but I was wrong,” Ash blurted out. “I need you.”

  “You have me.” Carrie hid her face in her hands.

  Ash crouched down so she was level with Carrie. Taking her hands away from her face and holding them in her own, she said, “Carrie, I want a relationship with you, and I am willing to go as slow as I need to go to prove that I love you.”

  When Carrie looked up, Ash saw tears in her eyes, and her heart stopped. Did Carrie not feel the same way? Had she gone too far too fast?

  “What is it?” she finally asked.

  “I love you, too” was all Carrie managed to say before they lunged for each other once again.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Carrie reached up, cupping Ash’s face in her han
ds and pulling her in closer, but when her fingers ran across the torn skin on Ash’s cheek, they both winced. “I’m sorry.” She drew back. “Did I hurt you?”

  Ash smiled. “No,” she replied honestly, “I’ve never felt better.”

  “You look awful.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “That’s not what I meant.” Carrie got flustered. “I was talking about the cut. It looks awful. You look…” Her eyes took in Ash, scanning her body from head to toe. “Amazing.”

  Ash felt a fire begin to burn just below the surface of her skin, and she started to step in for another kiss, but Carrie shook her head.

  “We need to get something on that cut.”

  “It’s not that bad.” Ash pressed her lips to Carrie’s. For a moment she felt Carrie give in, then a hand pressed against her chest and gently pushed her away.

  “I can see you are going to be hard on my resolve, Ms. Clarke,” Carrie said.

  Ash smiled sheepishly but felt her knees weaken when Carrie’s deep blue eyes met her own. “No, Dr. Fletcher, I’m afraid all the weakness is in me.”

  “I find that hard to believe.”

  “Me, too.” Ash smiled.

  Carrie pulled her in again, wrapping her arms around her waist and resting her head on Ash’s shoulder. “It’ll be our little secret,” she whispered. “Now come on. Let’s get some peroxide on that cut. I don’t want any scars on that perfect face of yours.”

  When they reached the top of the stairs, Carrie led her into the bathroom and turned on the lights. Ash saw herself in the mirror and grimaced. The cut looked worse than it felt. There was a jagged tear, and the edges were turning various shades of deep blue and purple.

  Carrie opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out a bottle of peroxide and some cotton balls. “Have a seat.” She motioned to the toilet seat and Ash sat down. She was through arguing.

  Carrie poured a liberal amount of peroxide on the cotton and gently dabbed it on Ash’s cheek. Ash flinched when the cold liquid hit her open wound, but Carrie held her chin and blew softly on the bubbling cut.