Little Black Book

by Tabatha Vargo

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “There’s no hidden message. I mean exactly what I said. These feelings I have, I don’t understand how they’re possible. I don’t even know you’re real name.”

  The night before was forgotten as I sat up and matched his stare.

  “What are you saying, exactly?”

  No way was Sebastian Black, asshole extraordinaire, saying what I thought he was saying.

  “I’m saying I want to know you.” Again, he captured a strand of my hair between his fingers. “The real you. Not Jessica… you.”

  His words struck deep in my chest and even though there were a million things I wanted to say to him, I kissed him instead.

  For the first time since Gran died, I felt put together—like my life wasn’t actually falling apart at the seams. I had Kyle, who was having the time of his life doing the thing he loved the most, and I had Sebastian, who was more than I ever dreamed I could have in a man. I’d almost forgotten what happiness felt like, but now that I had it, I never wanted to let it go.

  He broke the kiss. Capturing my cheeks in his palms, he pressed his forehead to mine. “I’m almost there—so close it scares the shit out of me. I want to know your name, but I’m afraid I’ll run when you tell me. And running from you is the last thing I want to do.” His lips brushed mine and then he pulled back and looked me in my eyes. “Give me something to call you. Not Jessica, something that’s yours.”

  Pulling away, I stared up at him. The way he was smiling down at me—the way he touched me, it was almost more than I could take.

  “Are you sure?” I asked.

  I wasn’t going to tell him my whole name, but even giving him my nickname felt strange. I didn’t want things to change and I felt like even giving him that little bit of myself would change the way he responded to me.

  I didn’t know whether things would change for the good or bad, and that’s what scared me. Maybe he was confused about how he was feeling. Maybe once I told him my nickname, he’d leave and I’d never hear from again. I couldn’t handle the thought of never seeing him again.

  “I’m sure,” he nodded.

  Taking a deep breath, I swallowed. “Okay then, you can call me Roz.”

  His smile grew before he leaned in and kissed me again. His eyes sparkled mischievously, like we’d just broken the rules. In a way, I guess we had.

  “Roz,” my name rolled off his tongue. “It’s perfect for you.

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  “No, thank you,” he said, fingering a strand of my hair.

  I fell asleep in his arms, and woke to him across the room from me, getting dressed. Leaning up on my side, I grinned at his bare ass as he slid his pants on. Turning around, he smiled when he caught me staring.

  “Is it weird I don’t want you to go?” I asked.

  Coming over to the bed, he crawled over me and buried his face in the side of my neck, breathing me in.

  “About as weird as me wanting to stay.”

  “Then stay.”

  He leaned up and grinned down at me. “Someone has to work the club. Why don’t you come with me?”

  “What would I tell everyone when they see us together?”

  “You mean what do you tell your friend when she sees us together?”

  “Yeah. I mean, I’m not sure she’d take our arrangement well.”

  He laughed, making the exciting twinkle in his eyes pop before his face went serious. “If she asks, just tell her I’m yours.”

  After a night at the club, and lots of goofy stares from the employees at Clive’s, I went back to Sebastian’s apartment with him and spent the night. I woke to him watching me sleep.

  “It’s weird when you do that,” I said into my pillow as I turned away.

  “What is?” he asked.

  “When you watch me sleep. What if I slobber in my sleep, or something equally as gross?”

  He laughed, and I was happy he was opening up and laughing more. I was getting used to it.

  “No slobbering, thankfully, but I can’t help it. I envy the peace you get when you sleep.” His smiling eyes turned sad.

  Turning in his arms, I placed a hand on his cheek. “You don’t sleep peacefully?”

  “No,” he said.

  “Why?” I was hesitant to ask, but things between Sebastian and I were changing and I wanted to know more about him.

  “My demons hunt my sleep. They make it impossible to know what peace is.”

  I stared at him, feeling my heart tug for Sebastian’s obvious pain. “I wish I could take away your pain,” I said, truthfully.

  I leaned in and kissed him. He kissed me back, losing his fingers in my hair. When he broke the kiss, he looked down at me in confusion.

  “I don’t think that will ever go away, but you’re changing me, Roz.”

  “Is that a bad thing?” I ran my fingers through his hair and pulled him closer to me.

  “I don’t know. It’s unnerving,” he said against my lips.

  “Would it help if I told you you’re changing me, too?” My lips moved along his jaw and he groaned deep in his throat, settling his weight on me.

  “Let’s spend the rest of the day in bed.” His breath was hot against my nipple, making it harden instantly.

  I sighed and arched my back, allowing his teeth to close around the nipple and then suck it into his mouth. I gasped, pushing myself closer to his heat. His hands circled my ribs holding me tight.

  “I’m okay with that. Who says Sunday’s can’t be sinful?”

  He chuckled against my fevered skin and I grabbed his head, lifting it.

  “What’s so funny, Mr. Black?”

  He freed himself and went to work on my other nipple. I was losing all sense of reality, until he spoke again.

  “Today’s Monday, not Sunday, sweets.”

  Monday! I panicked and pushed at Sebastian. It took him a minute to realize what I was doing and he sat back confused. I jumped out of the bed with a sheet around my chest.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” he growled. Lunging for the sheet, he yanked it until I was no longer covered.

  “Sebastian!” I squealed and dodged his hands as he tried to pull me back in bed. “I can’t believe today’s Monday. Monday!”

  “What is so important about Monday?”

  He sat on the end of the bed, as naked as he could be, and looked intently at me. I slipped into my lace panties and met his stare through wild, sex-mussed hair.

  “I was supposed to turn in my college forms today. I can’t believe I forgot,” I scolded myself. “If I don’t turn them in by four, I won’t be able to get financial aid. I need to get back to the condo. Can you call Mr. Martin for me?”

  I was in the process of pulling on my shirt when he laughed at me again.

  “What exactly about my panic is funny to you, Sebastian?” I asked, frustrated because my head was stuck inside my shirt and would not come out.

  “I have a computer here, baby. You can use it. Now, come here and let me help you,” he chuckled.

  I managed to slow my movements and step over to the bed. He shifted my shirt around and my head popped out of the correct hole.

  “You do?”

  He smiled and smoothed down my ratted hair. “I do.”

  I took a deep, calming breath. “Well, in that case, I could…” I looked at him from head to toe and settled on his manhood.

  “What? What could you do to me right now?”

  “Anything you want,” I purred, straddling his lap and wrapping my arms around his neck.

  An hour later, Sebastian let me into his office to use his computer. I was nearly swallowed by the big, black leather chair as I sat behind his desk. I ran my hands over the smooth wood.

  “Well, I can see why you like sitting behind this desk all the time.”

  He smirked, and looked up at me. “Why’s that?”

  “I feel so powerful sitting here.”

  “Easy, tige
r. Don’t get too comfortable.”

  I laughed and turned on his monitor and a little box for his password popped up.

  “I need your password.”

  “Here let me.” He moved around his desk, leaning over me.

  “Don’t trust me with your secret evil plans?” I joked.

  “Don’t take it personally, baby. I don’t trust anyone.”

  “Ouch.” I knew he wasn’t playing and I wasn’t prepared for how much it would hurt to hear him admit that he didn’t trust me.

  I turned away from the keyboard and waited until I heard him typing away. Only the sound never came.

  Instead, I felt his fingers along the side of my neck and he pushed away my hair and his lips moved over my skin.

  “Harris,” he whispered against my skin.

  “What?” I asked, stunned. I didn’t understand why he was whispering my last name in my ear.

  “My password is Harris.”

  I calmed myself as I realized what he was talking about. “Harris.”

  “Yep.”

  “That’s odd.”

  “What’s odd?”

  “Your password’s my last name.”

  I felt Sebastian freeze the second the words left my mouth. Holding my breath, I realized what I’d done. Turning to look at him, I saw his expression had turned into horror.

  He stepped away from me slowly, as if I were a snake ready to strike him. Neither of us said anything. Neither of us moved.

  “Sebastian, I’m so sorry…”

  A shield of ice fell over his face and he suddenly changed direction. Pulling me up from the chair, he dragged me across the room. “Do not say another word,” he said venomously.

  We were out of his office and going through the door of his apartment in seconds. I ripped my arm away from him and rubbed at the tender spot where his fingers had been.

  His eyes followed my moment and settled on my reddening arm.

  “You hurt me,” I said in shock.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, before reaching up and tugging at his hair in aggravation. “I mean, I’m not sorry. I don’t know what I am anymore. All I know is you need to get your things and get out.”

  My heart dropped. He couldn’t be serious. Not after the way things had been going between us.

  “Sebastian, just listen…”

  “No. I need to be alone. Please, Roz. Just leave.”

  And just like that, the sound of my name from those lips, no longer brought me pleasure. I nodded, gathered my things, and left without so much as even a glance in his direction.

  Twenty-Three

  Sebastian

  The simple sound of her gently closing my apartment door, slammed into my chest and knocked the air from my lungs.

  Roz Harris. Rosslyn Harris. She hadn’t said her first name, but I knew. I don’t know how I knew, I just knew. Leaning against the wall, I swallowed hard and tried to take control of my brain before all the bad came rushing in.

  Memories of a night many years before came crashing down, sending me into an instant hell. Every nightmare I’d had for the last twelve years featured her—her and her haunted young eyes. It couldn’t be the same girl. There was no way this could be happening to me.

  I went to the door, ready to pull it open and stop her, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. There wasn’t enough strength in my body to even open a fucking door.

  Walking away, I moved through my apartment like a madman. Bursting into my bedroom, I stopped when I was in front of my safe. Entering in the combination, I pulled it open.

  The little box I kept small personal items in, was sitting there waiting for me. Flipping open the lid, I reached in and pulled out the locket. The broken chain was still attached.

  Popping it open, my eyes moved over the baby’s picture first, trying to see if he marked a resemblance at all to Kyle, but once my eyes landed on the girl’s picture… I knew. Actually, as many times as I’d looked at her picture over the years, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed sooner.

  The red hair, the green eyes, and the smile on her sweet face—they were all an exact match. I sat back on the bed, clutching the locket in my hand and closed my eyes.

  While Vick had moved on with her life, I’d searched and found out their names. It was sick, but I needed to know. Sitting here now, I wished I’d never done it.

  What kind of sick fuck had I become? The type who fell in love with the daughter of the people I’d helped murder.

  I could deny it all I wanted. I could push the feelings away until I couldn’t push anymore, but I had to come to terms. I’d fallen in love with Roz. She was everything to me, had been from the moment I’d first laid eyes on her.

  “You can call me Roz.”

  Her words swam through my mind, over and over again.

  ”That’s my last name.”

  Harris. A name I knew well. A name which haunted me for the last twelve years of my life. And would continue to haunt me until the day I died.

  What kind of cruel joke was this? Karma was ripping my ass a new one. The exact moment I knew I was in love for the first time in my life, was the exact moment I found out she could never be mine. Ever.

  A week. That’s how long it had been since I realized I was in love. I hadn’t seen her face—heard her voice… nothing.

  It was the right thing to do. So I blocked the world out and let the club run itself while I got drunk and dwelled in my self-loathing. I didn’t answer the door. I didn’t answer any calls, and I didn’t even think about looking at my text messages.

  Vick called and beat on my door constantly, but I wasn’t ready to see her face. I wasn’t ready to find out whether or not she knew I’d been fucking and dominating a girl I owed the world to.

  I was the reason her parents were gone. I didn’t pull the trigger, but I might as well have.

  Finally, after a week of seclusion, I went to my office. Within minutes Vick was bursting through the doors, claws out, and frothing at the mouth.

  “What the fuck, Sebastian?” Fire shot from her eyes. “You just lock yourself in your apartment for a week? Fuck the club? Fuck me? I’ll have you know I busted my ass this week picking up the slack for you.”

  Her words penetrated me and I flew off the handle. Slamming my hands into the desk, I stood.

  “I’ve picked up the slack for you for years,” I yelled. “I covered your ass a million times, including the time you blew two people away. Don’t you dare come in my office with your shit or I swear to God…”

  She stood there staring back at me, her face softening. “I’m sorry. You’re right.”

  I wanted to keep yelling at her. I wanted to scream and throw things, but I couldn’t. The truth was, I didn’t trust Vick since the night I watched her murder two innocent people.

  I’d sat in my apartment for week thinking about all the shit I wanted to say to her when I saw her again, but now none of it felt good enough. Instead I stared at her, willing her to tell me everything she knew.

  “Did you know?” I asked, my voice steady and hard as steel.

  “Do I know what?” she asked.

  “Don’t fucking play games with me, Victoria.” My voice echoed off the walls of my office. “Did. You. Know?”

  It took a moment, as she gleaned my meaning, and then her face cleared of all confusion. Stunned surprise took its place, and I knew. I fucking knew my answer.

  “And you let me fuck her? You knew who she was and you let me proposition her anyway?”

  “How did you find out her name? She told you?”

  “What the hell does it matter how I know her name? I fucking know her name.”

  She fell back a step and it was her turn to read the answer on my face.

  “You asked her?” She couldn’t control her shock and somewhere underneath was a little bit of anger. “You’ve never asked for a name.”

  “She’s different,” I growled and sighed, running my fingers through my hair. “Well, she was fucking differ
ent. You should have told me, Vick. You know very fucking well you should have told me.”

  “You’re the one who went and got a conscious on me. You’re the one who went digging for their names. I never asked you to tell me their names… never. This is your fault. You should’ve left well enough alone. You should’ve—”

  I cut her off. “How long have you known? Since the police station? When did you find out who she was? Was it before or after I fucked her?”

  Her face went hard, nostrils flaring, making her pretty face look unappealing.

  “I knew who she was the minute she walked in the club, before I even hired her. I figured it wouldn’t hurt if you spent some money on her—showed her a good time. We owed her that much.”

  Her words were like a punch to the gut. I couldn’t believe the woman standing in front of me was someone I associated with—someone I’d taken under my wing. She was a figment of the girl I met in foster care. That little girl was gone, and in her stead was a monster. Someone I wasn’t sure I could be around anymore.

  “Did you tell her the truth, Sebastian? Does she know?”

  She was only worried about herself.

  “No.”

  Relief flooded her face, and she had the audacity to smile. “Good. You’ve always got my back.”

  “Get out,” my words were quiet, but lethal.

  “Sebastian, this is nothing. We’ll get past it, like we’ve always done before.”

  “I said, get out.”

  She walked backward to the door, as if she was waiting for me to tell her to stay, and then turned and left.

  Twenty-Four

  Rosslyn

  “What the hell is wrong with you, Roz? You’re like Night of the Living Dead over there.” Trish said, licking banana frozen yogurt from her spoon.

  I stared down at my cup and dug my spoon into it over and over again, turning my yogurt into mush, but never taking a bite. “I’m just tired.”

  Tired was an understatement. Since the moment Sebastian asked me to leave his apartment, I’d been a nervous wreck. There was no telling when I’d be kicked to the curb, but more than anything, I missed him. If I could go back and change the moment when things shifted between us, I would have never left his bed.