Between Before and After

by Dick, Amanda

“Fine,” he huffed. “If it bothers you that much.”

  “I’ll get the scissors and a towel.” She grinned. “Wait for me out on the deck.”

  “It’s like a super-power isn’t it?” Finn said. “It’s astounding how she manages to get her own way.”

  “I just can’t be bothered arguing about it,” He wandered past him and out towards the deck, as directed.

  Finn grabbed his arm as he passed. “Are you feeling okay? You were pretty quiet over breakfast.”

  “I need a drink,” he said. “But other than that, I’m tip-top.”

  Finn released his arm. “It’ll get better, mate. You just gotta hang in there.”

  He turned to him, shoving his hands in his pockets so Finn couldn’t see how badly they were shaking. “Don’t worry,” he sighed. “I’m not gonna do anything stupid.”

  “You better not.”

  “I promise.”

  “Promises can be broken,” Finn said. “Just show me instead.”

  Max nodded, speechless. For the first time, he was starting to see how his absence might impact on everyone, just like Danny’s absence had. It was something he hadn’t allowed himself to think about over the past few months. Now that he was here, and they knew, the future didn’t seem so scary or hopeless. It wasn’t all roses, but at least it wasn’t all thorns, either. With a bit of help and a lot of luck, maybe he could do this after all.

  Finn made them both a cup of coffee and they headed out to join Gavin and Lacey on the deck. Moments later, Kate appeared with a beach towel, a small comb, a spray bottle and a pair of scissors. Her triumphant grin made him slightly nervous.

  “Just a trim, remember?” he cautioned her, as Finn took his cup of coffee off him and she draped the towel around his shoulders. “Don’t go all mental on me.”

  “Trim – got it.” She fixed the towel around the back of his neck. “Anything would be better than this mop. I’ve never seen a guy with natural waves like yours before – most chicks would give their eye teeth for that, you know that, right?”

  She set about spraying his entire head with what he presumed was water from a spray bottle she had dug up from somewhere. He glanced nervously at Gavin, who stopped smirking immediately and gave him the thumbs up.

  “I’m trusting you to watch her,” he said to Lacey instead. “Trim – not Baldilocks and the Three Hairs.”

  Lacey nodded sagely but it didn’t help. He was completely at Kate’s mercy with no back-up. Worse still, he knew it.

  The water saturating his head helped to counter-act the heat of the sun, as she snipped her way around his head and, following the usual banter, casual conversation resumed.

  “Max, I’ve got a proposition for you,” Lacey said eventually, in a tone that told him that whatever it was, it was important to her. “Gav and I have been talking, and we’d really like you to come back home with us for a little while.”

  The combing and snipping stopped.

  “Why?” he mumbled, buying time while he desperately tried to think of an excuse.

  “Remember I told you a while ago about my friend, Hayley? The counsellor? I really think you should see her. I think it would help.”

  Despite thinking, barely half an hour ago, that he might be able to do this after all, accepting help like this wasn’t as easy as he thought. The idea was simple. The reality was anything but. A million reasons flew through his head as to why he couldn’t – or didn’t want to. He didn’t want to talk to some stranger about any of this. He didn’t need this kind of help. He didn’t want to go back to Auckland. He didn’t want to impose on them.

  “Please, Max. Not forever, just for a few months. Let us help,” she pleaded gently, waiting for his reply.

  It wasn’t like they hadn’t talked about this before. He had said no the last couple of times, managed to keep them at a distance. Only now, things seemed different. The sinking feeling in his stomach told him that much. He wanted to force a smile, tell them he was fine, tell them a lie about seeing a counsellor somewhere else, if that’s what it took. But the truth of it was he was tired of lying and tired of fighting this. He needed help. They were offering. And it wasn’t forever. A small splinter of hope worked its way into his soul, splitting the darkness apart, just for a moment. It showed him the possibilities. All he had to do was expand on it, widen that tiny crack.

  “Okay,” he found himself saying. “Just for a few months.”

  He inhaled deeply, as if the admission had stolen the breath right out of him. Kate reached down to hug him from behind. Lacey seemed relieved, leaning back into Gavin’s chest as he wrapped his arms around her.

  “You’ll like Hayley,” she assured him. “She’s really lovely – easy to talk to.”

  “Have you seen her, professionally I mean?” Finn asked, as Kate resumed her combing and snipping.

  “I have, actually. After Danny died.”

  “Really?” Finn seemed surprised. “I didn’t know that.”

  “I just needed someone to talk to about everything. Like I said, she’s easy to talk to. She helped me put it all into perspective.”

  If Lacey could do it, so could he.

  “Hey, I’ve been thinking about how we should spend our last day here,” Gavin said. “I think we should catch fish for dinner and have a bonfire on the beach after.”

  “I like that idea,” Finn said. “Only one problem – we’ve run out of bait.”

  “The campground shop up the road has bait for sale,” Kate chipped in.

  “Okay, cool. I’ll go along shortly. They should be open today, shouldn’t they?”

  “Should be,” Gavin said. “Take my car, if you want. We’ll deal with the Monaro later, get rid of some of that glass and tidy it up a bit. There’s a garage in Picton – we should take it in later, see what they can do before tomorrow.”

  “Yeah, okay. Thanks.”

  Max heard the slight hesitation in Finn’s voice but with Kate wielding scissors, he didn’t want to risk turning his head.

  As if on cue, Kate roughed up his hair with her fingers. “Done.”

  She rested her hands on his shoulders and he anxiously searched the faces of his friends for their reaction.

  “Nice.” Finn nodded.

  “You haven’t lost your touch, chick – that’s much better.”

  “Looks good,” Gavin agreed. “He looks his age, now.”

  He reached up to feel the difference as Kate unfastened the towel from around his shoulders and whisked it off him. It felt okay.

  Kate tapped him on the shoulder. “Go and have a look in the bathroom mirror.”

  He got to his feet and looked down at the mass of chestnut locks gathered around his chair. “Jesus, it was longer than I thought.”

  She nodded satisfactorily at her handiwork. “Go on – check it out for yourself, then come back and tell me how brilliant I am. I’ll be waiting.”

  He smiled in spite of himself, shaking his head as he went inside to do as he was told. Finn was right – it was some of kind of super-power.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Kate had jumped at the chance to go with Finn to the campground, a ten minute drive from the beach house. With any luck, the small shop attached to the campground was open, and they could get some more bait – enough to catch some fish for dinner, at least.

  She craved some time alone with Finn. After finally admitting her feelings for him weren’t going to go away, she wanted to spend every single moment with him. Falling asleep on the sofa with him last night had been like a dream – something she never would have imagined a few months ago. He had pulled her close and she had melted into him as if she belonged there, tucked into his body as if it were the most natural thing in the world. She kept the memories of Danny to herself. It was inevitable that there were comparisons, but she tried to push the uncertainty of the past aside, choosing to concentrate on the present and the future instead. She didn’t want to live her life looking backwards anymore.

  As if he
could read her mind, she could feel him looking at her. He smiled at her and her heart soared. He had smiled at her a million times over the years she had known him, but never like that. It was as if she was seeing him for the first time. Everything felt new, fresh. Hopeful.

  “Here we are,” he said, as they pulled up in front of the campground shop. “Wait a minute – don’t tell me they’re closed?”

  Kate peered up the concrete steps at the door. “There’s a note. Hang on, I’ll go and see what it says.”

  She jumped out and sprinted up the few steps to the shop door. With a sigh of relief, she turned back to him. “They open at ten!” she called, running down the steps to the car and leaning in the window. “We could wait? It’s nine thirty now.”

  “True. Yeah, let’s wait. I’ll just park up.”

  She watched him turn into the small parking bay in front of the shop and turn off the engine. As he got out of the car, she pointed to the park across the road, smiling.

  “We could always play on the swings?”

  He grinned back at her, shaking his head and holding out his hand towards her. As she walked towards him to take it, she couldn’t help the little skip of pleasure that lit up her heart. His large hand folded around hers and she smiled up at him shyly. Little things like this still seemed strange, just like curling up with him on the sofa. Taking that step from friendship to something more would take some getting used to, but she looked forward to it. Like any new relationship, the newness of it was thrilling. The little touches, the silent looks, the thoughtfulness. She thought she had known him well enough until this weekend, now she realised that she had much more to learn. Rather than being frightening, as it was last night, it was exciting.

  They walked over the road to the playground. This bay was almost identical to the one the beach house was nestled into, if slightly larger. The foreshore here wasn’t taken up by a residential dwelling, though. It was recreational. There was a children’s playground at one end, and a crushed shell walkway that mirrored the bay in a semi-circle around to the other end, where it opened up into the Sounds. A concrete toilet block was situated at the far end and a low, single-log, wooden fence was painted army green, shadowing the pathway. It was well-maintained and well-used.

  The children’s playground was small, with just two swings, a brightly coloured climbing frame and a slide. Kate gravitated towards one of the swings.

  “I thought you were joking,” Finn chuckled.

  “No – I love swings,” she smiled, settling into one. “Who doesn’t love a good playground? I mean, it’s like rediscovering your youth. Innocent, simple, fun. I think sometimes we forget about stuff like that as we get older and things get kinda complicated. It’s nice to go back to the simple things that used to make us so happy.”

  He settled into the swing next to hers and they began to move slowly backwards and forwards. He was far too big for it, but she loved the way he looked, swinging there, next to her, like he had all the time in the world. She watched as he swung into and out of her field of vision. It felt as if they were letting go of all their worries and cares, releasing them into the stratosphere. Her heart began to feel lighter, just being there with him.

  “I’ve been offered a new job,” she said suddenly, passing him in mid-air. “In Hamilton.”

  Where did that come from?

  She sucked in a breath, exhaling slowly as she tried to settle her nerves. There was no taking it back now.

  He skidded to a halt on the sand. “Really?”

  She slowed herself down and put her feet out to stop completely, using the extra time to straighten out the thoughts in her head and in her heart.

  “When? I mean, why didn’t you say anything before?”

  Jesus. Here it comes.

  She bit the bullet and held onto the chains of the swing tightly.

  “A couple of weeks ago. And I wasn’t totally sure if I was going to take it,” she said, trying to keep her voice even so she didn’t betray how nervous she was, talking to him about this. “It’s a big step. New city, new job. I need to know I’m ready for that.”

  He hadn’t taken his eyes off her, as if he was digesting all the information. For someone she thought she knew so well, she was again reminded that she still had a lot to learn about him.

  “And are you – ready, I mean?” he said at last.

  He could have said anything, asked her anything – why did it have to be that? The one question she had been asking herself for the past few weeks. Both swings had stopped moving now, and they sat perfectly still, eye to eye. That’s when the answer came to her. Blindingly obvious, like a flash of inspiration, she saw the road ahead. After these past few weeks of teetering between exits, not sure whether to stay on or get off, she suddenly knew.

  “I am.”

  The thought was exhilarating.

  I’m ready.

  She could feel herself hurtling off the road and into unknown territory. It was both frightening and life-affirming. She was moving forward again. Just like that.

  “It’s time to move on,” she said. “I can’t stay there forever – in that house, in that job. I don’t want to always be known as the chick whose boyfriend killed himself. I want my own identity back. I want my life back.”

  He got up and stood in front of her, reaching for her hand and pulling her up. She loved the way his arm curled around the small of her back, drawing her into him as though he couldn’t get close enough. She felt safe there, in his personal space. Nothing could hurt her there. It was as if she had woken from a long sleep. Her skin tingled, coming alive, anticipating his touch.

  “I don’t want to go back to Auckland by myself. I don’t want my old life anymore. I want to be with you.”

  She could feel the love surround her. Adrenaline rushed up her spine, igniting her nerve endings, filling every fibre of her being. She felt stronger. He stared down at her, running his thumb up the side of her cheek, setting fire to her imagination, starting a chain reaction that left her breathless.

  “Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that?”

  He leaned down to cover her lips with his. She closed her eyes as the kiss deepened and she gave herself over to him completely, reaching up to bury her fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck. He pulled her even closer and his lips probed hers, soft and firm at the same time. She didn’t care what came next. Life was far too short to spend it wondering about things like that. It was all about grabbing happiness where you could.

  Her happiness was right in front of her, his arms around her, keeping her safe, loving her.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  The bonfire crackled and hissed as Gavin stood up to toss another log on top. He and Finn had spent half an hour gathering the biggest logs from the wood shed and lugging them down onto the beach. After some initial frustration, which had necessitated Plan B (using aerosol deodorant as a flame-thrower), the bonfire had finally taken hold and it lit up the beach with its warm, orange glow.

  Gavin sat down and took the mug of coffee that Lacey handed him. Coffee hadn’t exactly been his choice of beverage, but it was a show of solidarity, for Max. Glancing around the bonfire, it appeared everyone had been pulled under the spell of the flames. Orange fingers danced in the midst of the small circle, lighting faces with a warm glow that seemed to level out the worry and grief of the past few days

  “I just want to run something by you guys,” Gavin said above the crackling of the fire.

  Lacey slipped her hand into his and squeezed.

  “As much as I love spending this time here together, I think we should try to do it more often. Not necessarily here, though.”

  “What do you mean?” Kate asked, shoving her pointed twig, complete with marshmallow, into the embers.

  “Well, these few days are about Danny, and that’s how it should be. But I think that getting together like this is important, and I don’t think we’re doing it often enough. I was thinking maybe once every coup
le of months, somewhere central.”

  “Like Hamilton?” Finn suggested.

  “He said central,” said Lacey. “Not the edge of the universe.”

  “Spoken like a true Jafa.”

  “I thought Timbuktu was the edge of the universe?”

  “According to Max, Timbuktu is somewhere near the East Cape, isn’t it?”

  “Smart arse.”

  “I think Hamilton sounds good,” Kate said. “And I think it’s a great idea, Gav.”

  Gavin smiled through the flames at her. “It was Lace’s idea – kinda brilliant, I thought. So it’s agreed then? We’ll meet up in Hamilton, in April? What’s everyone doing for Easter?”

  “Actually, I have some news,” Kate said, clearing her throat quietly. “I’ve been offered a new job – in Hamilton. If all goes well, I’ll most likely be starting the week after Easter.”

  “Oh my God – that’s awesome! Congrats, chickie!” Lacey grinned over at her.

  “What she said.” Gavin smiled, as Lacey dug her elbow into his ribs.

  “Wowsers.” Max raised his coffee mug at her. “You kept that pretty quiet.”

  Finn draped his arm around Kate. Watching them warmed his heart. They looked so natural together. They needed each other, even if it had taken both of them long enough to realise it.

  “I only got the offer a couple of weeks ago, and I wasn’t really sure I was gonna take it until earlier today. I mean, it’s a big step – moving cities, moving jobs. I needed to be sure,” Kate explained, hooking her hair behind one ear. “But now I am – sure, I mean. I’m ready. I think it might be the kick in the ass I needed, actually.”

  Finn pulled her closer, smiling down at her.

  “So you’re both gonna be living in Hamilton?” Lacey said. “That’s handy.”

  “Subtle, Lace.” Finn smiled.

  Max smiled wryly at her over the fire.

  “Hey – just sayin’. Mysterious ways and all that.”

  “So, Hamilton at Easter, then. Lock it in, people.” Gavin was sure the warm glow he was experiencing had nothing to do with the heat of the bonfire, but it felt good just the same. “Y’know, I’ve been thinking about what you said last night, about Danny – about him being selfish.”