Noelle's Golden Christmas

by Tamie Dearen

  Noelle pulled one foot out and used it to rub Abby’s head. “I guess he felt pretty guilty about kissing me like he was interested in me and then blasting my hopes to smithereens when he announced we were only friends. But he’s so nice, I’ve already mostly forgiven him.”

  Abby nudged her foot with her cold nose.

  “I’m worried, though, that Shara may have noticed me driving his car today. She was especially cold to me. I could explain that we’re only friends, but that might make things worse. I wish God would just tell me exactly what to do. Sometimes life can be so confusing.”

  Noelle slid to the floor beside Abby and hugged her neck, reveling in the softness and warmth of her fur.

  “Burrrrr…! It’s so cold in this apartment, but I can’t afford to keep it warmer if I’m going to have money for Christmas presents. It’s a good thing I have you to keep me warm, Abby.”

  •••••

  “You are planning to attend the company Christmas party, right?” Lisa breezed into Noelle’s apartment, making a beeline for the refrigerator that held all of her photos, cards, and invitations. “Ah, here it is.”

  “Ughh! When is it?”

  “Look on your invitation. It’s next Saturday, December twenty-first.”

  Scrambling for any possible loophole to escape the torture, Noelle’s mind sorted her possible excuses. “I’ve already been to one company Christmas party—the one at your house. Can’t I skip this one?”

  “That was just a division party, and you know it. You’ve got to come, because Dad’s making some big announcements, and he wants the family there.”

  “As long as you and Reece are there, no one will notice if I’m missing.”

  Lisa’s mouth dropped open as a crease marred her forehead. “Dad will notice, Noelle. He’s already so hurt that you never come see him anymore. Please don’t do or say anything that will hurt him more. If you’d give him half a chance, you’d see how much he loves you.”

  Bending over to hide the tears that sprang to her eyes, Noelle retied the laces on her boots. She knew her father loved her little sister and brother more than her. She’d accepted it long ago and didn’t hold it against her siblings. She suspected it was because, with her blond hair and green eyes, she resembled her mother. It must hurt her father to see a daughter who constantly reminded him of the wife he’d lost.

  “I’ve given him plenty of chances, Lisa. The only time he was ever off my back was when I was engaged. It’s like he wants to prove to the world that his children are successful.”

  “Have you ever considered maybe he doesn’t care about what the world thinks? Maybe he simply wants to see his kids happily married.”

  “I can’t get married again until I manage to pay off the first marriage.” Noelle knew her voice sounded sullen, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself.

  “What are you talking about?” Lisa asked. “You’ve never been married.”

  “I’m talking about paying Dad back the money I owe for the wedding plans with Carl.” Noelle’s lower lip pushed itself forward as if it were attempting to get attention.

  Lisa sobered, chewing on the inside of her cheek. She shook her head slowly from side to side. “Noelle, you know how I’ve come to you a million times when I need spiritual wisdom?”

  At her nod, Lisa continued. “I’m going to ask a question you once asked me… Is it possible your behavior might glorify God, while your motivation might not?” She raised her hand. “Don’t answer yet—it’s between you and God—but think about it.”

  “I’ll try.” Her noncommittal response was all she could muster without breaking down in a sobbing fit in front of her sister. Her pain was simply too raw and exposed. She realized, despite her hopes to the contrary, this Christmas wasn’t going to be any better than all the others since her Mom passed away.

  However, for now she knew a great way to distract Lisa from an uncomfortable subject. “Hey Lisa… how’s the baby?”

  Lisa’s entire face lit up like a thousand candles. “Great. Let me tell you what the book says…”

  *****

  “Wow, that’s tough. You’ve been through a lot. I can’t believe how much of this you’ve shouldered all on your own. Especially since you lost your mother at such a young age.”

  As had been the case the entire evening, David’s words seemed to lessen Noelle’s pain in some incredible, almost magical way. When he’d suggested going ice skating, she’d jumped at the chance, especially when he played up the friendship angle.

  “I can’t believe I just opened my mouth and blabbed out that whole story to you. Some of that stuff I’ve never told anyone before.” Noelle bent down from her perch on the bench, struggling with numb fingers to tighten her ice skates enough to provide support for her ankles

  “Then I’m honored to be the first,” David remarked before kneeling on the ground by her feet. “Let me get those tight for you. It’s easier from this angle.”

  Surprised at how comfortable he made her feel when he did things for her, she allowed him to perform yet another service. How did he manage to get past her stubborn insistence to do everything for herself? And yet she didn’t feel even a tiny bit frustrated… go figure!

  He tightened one skate, then the other. “Got it,” he announced, standing up on his skates and offering his hand to help her up.

  “Thank you.” As he helped her to her feet, she wobbled, falling against him. For an instant she considered staying right there in his arms, warm and safe. She inhaled his clean, heady scent, wishing for things that could never be. But she wouldn’t ruin their relationship as friends by revealing her desire for something more. “Thank you for everything―for the hot cocoa, for listening, for sympathizing and not judging, for helping with the ice skates―for everything. I guess that’s what friends are for, right?”

  “Uhmm, about that…I have a confession to make.”

  Standing close as she was, she could hear his voice reverberating in his chest. “What kind of confession?” The question squeaked out of her tight throat.

  “I never wanted us to only be friends.”

  “You didn’t?”

  “No. Not tonight. Not last week. Not that first Friday night when I kissed you.” He chuckled. “Especially not that night I kissed you.”

  She didn’t dare to look at him and become lost in the depths of those blue oceans. “But… but you said—”

  “I know what I said, but that was because you were pushing me to be with Shara. I don’t want to be with Shara.” He whispered the words, his warm breath tickling her ear. “I want to be with you.”

  She replied, “Oh.”

  Wow… great job, Noelle. Snappy comeback. I’m sure you can hold his interest for a long time with wit like that. Maybe fifteen seconds or more.

  “Noelle?”

  “Huh?”

  “Can I kiss you again? Just one little kiss?”

  “I… uhmm…”

  Those words must mean yes on whatever planet David was raised, because he didn’t wait for more affirmation. His hands cupped her face and lifted her chin as he lowered his mouth to hers. She saw streetlights twinkling in his brilliant blue eyes before her eyes closed. When their lips met, an explosion of color covered the inside of her eyelids. Her head swam and her hands trembled. Tender entreaty, his mouth caressing hers. First, like the softest feather. Then, as a gentle touch. Growing stronger until his lips were firm. Demanding. Taking her breath away. Pushing the world away. No one else existed in the entire universe. One incredible kiss, lasting only a few short seconds, to carry her all the way to eternity and back again.

  As he pulled his lips away from hers, she almost cried out at the loss. And she knew in that moment, losing David, when it came to pass, would be the most painful loss of all she’d experienced. She pushed the thought from her mind, determined to enjoy whatever time she had with him. Her oh-so-much-more-than-a-friend.

  ∞ 8 ∞

  “I DON’T GET IT.” Nancy hand
ed her yet another tissue, with a helpless shake of her head. “Why are you crying? It seems like everything is working out perfectly, right?”

  “That’s just it, it’s too perfect.” Noelle sucked in a shuddery breath as she wiped off the very last remnant of makeup from her tear-streaked face. “It can’t possibly last.”

  “Sure it could. This could be him. This could be the one. It could last until death do ye part.”

  Noelle was already shaking her head as another sob racked her body. “I can feel it. Something awful is going to happen. It’s that sense of foreboding. It’s always worse at Christmas.”

  “Okay, okay. Maybe you’re right, but it won’t do any good to worry about it ahead of time. And what if, by some weird circumstance, you’re wrong? You could miss half the joy while you’re waiting for the worst to happen. Let me pray for you, okay?”

  Filled with hopelessness, Noelle scoured up the strength to lift her shoulders. Her hand was grabbed, gripped tightly. When Nancy’s gaze connected with hers, she was surprised at the ferocity of her expression. I guess I better pray with her.

  “Father,” Nancy began, “we know that perfect love casts out all fear, so I pray Your love would take Noelle’s fear and cover it with peace and joy. And we aren’t guaranteed a single day of happiness or even another day of life in this world, so I pray You would help Noelle live in the present, seeking Your will, and not worrying about what will happen tomorrow. In everything we do, help us bring glory to You and not focus on ourselves. In Jesus’ name… Amen.”

  No longer feeling her heart pounding in her chest, Noelle realized the panic attack was over.

  “Thanks, Nancy. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  “Obviously, you’d run completely out of tissues.” Nancy chuckled. “You scared me pretty badly. I’ve never seen you lose control like that. Even two years ago when Carl broke up with you on your birthday.”

  “I’m good now, I think. I guess part of it is knowing I’ll have to tell James about me and David. I’m really nervous about it. We’re having lunch today, and I was going to tell him then.”

  “Can’t you make David tell his brother?”

  “No way. They might kill each other. I’ll figure some way to let James down easy.”

  “Look on the bright side. You just cried all your makeup off, and your eyes and nose are bright red. He’ll probably be glad to be rid of you when he gets an eyeful of you.”

  “Thanks so much, Nancy.”

  Nancy grinned. “There’s my sarcastic girl. I thought you’d died and been replaced by some crazy clone.”

  “Some days I really wish that were true.”

  *****

  “You know, I really enjoyed the church I visited yesterday.”

  There was no mistaking the genuine enthusiasm on James’ face, and Noelle did a secret happy dance inside. Returning to The Soupery had been James’ idea, but Noelle hadn’t objected, thrilled to have another scrumptious bowl of veggie chili.

  “What was it you liked about it?” she asked.

  “For one thing, I liked the music. We sang Christmas carols with a modern, rock feel to them, and the band was awesome. But when the preacher got up to speak, he talked like he was one of us instead of better than the rest of us. And the message was about how we can be forgiven no matter how many times we screw up. It just felt like it was okay to be kind of messed up like normal people. You didn’t feel like you were being judged by a bunch of perfect-acting hypocrites who were pretending they didn’t make mistakes.”

  Noelle nodded, smiling. “That sounds like a pretty good church.”

  “You know I even feel bad about giving David such a hard time. I know he’s been really lonely since he lost his dog, and I haven’t offered to spend much time with him.”

  With her chest clenching at the thought of losing Abby, Noelle’s heart went out to David. “I didn’t realize that had happened. When did his dog die? What happened?”

  “It was just a couple of weeks ago. When David came home after work on Friday, she was missing. She’d pushed her way through the fence, and she never came back.”

  “Oh no! She didn’t have a chip?”

  “No, and of course he’s kicking himself for that, now. He doesn’t know if she’s dead or if someone picked her up. Someone might have just kept her. She was a beautiful Golden Retriever.”

  The spoon slipped from Noelle’s fingers, clattering to the floor. With a mouth as dry as chalk, she barely managed to eke out her words. “What was her name?”

  “Her name was Abilene—that’s where he grew up—but he called her Abby. Hey, didn’t you say you volunteer sometimes at a shelter? Maybe you could keep a lookout for her. I should’ve thought of that before.”

  Staring straight ahead at nothing, tears filled her aching eyes to spill out and flow down her cheeks.

  “Noelle?” James’ voice shook as he grasped her hand. “Are you crying? What’s wrong? What happened?”

  “Nothing,” she rasped in a robotic, emotionless tone. “Nothing I wasn’t expecting. Not really.”

  *****

  She didn’t tell a single soul about discovering David was Abby’s owner. She couldn’t. Not tonight. Tomorrow she would take Abby to the shelter and have them call David to pick her up. She would make Garrett promise not to reveal who’d been Abby’s caretaker, so David would never know.

  But tonight… tonight she would have one last evening with the best friend she’d grown to love so much.

  She didn’t answer her cell phone when it rang that evening, instead returning phone calls with a text stating she wasn’t feeling well and had gone to bed early. It was partial truth—she felt awful. Like she was going to die. Like someone had ripped a huge hole in her heart. She’d felt it before. The first time, she’d been only six years old.

  It was her birthday, and the house was filled to overflowing with lights, holly branches, and every kind of Christmas decoration—especially angels.

  Instead of Happy Birthday, her mom always sang her own version of The First Noelle.

  The first Noel, the angels did say

  Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay

  The second Noelle, was on Christmas Eve day

  She was born to Diane and Gerard Holiday.

  And then her mom had presented her with a special red and green birthday cake and said, “My first Noelle is what makes Christmas so special for me.”

  But Noelle’s baby brother, Gavin, spilled birthday punch all over himself, and her mom left the festivities for a few minutes to take care of him. Feeling slighted at sharing attention during her special moment, Noelle decided to teach her mother a lesson. When she returned with the newly changed Gavin, Noelle spilled her own punch accidentally-on-purpose, splashing it on her mom’s white blouse. Her mother never scolded her, cleaning up the mess and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

  “Happy Birthday, Noelle. I’ll be right back as soon as I change shirts, and we’ll open your birthday present.”

  Noelle’s eyes flew to the beautifully wrapped present, green paper with red and green ribbons and candy canes, which had been tempting her all day, and she bounced in her chair, her earlier irritation forgotten. “Hurry, Mommy. Hurry!”

  Her mother left the room, laughing, while Noelle, her dad, and her siblings finished eating cake. They waited and waited for her mother’s return. Finally, in her impatience to open her present, Noelle ran into her parents’ room searching for her mother.

  At first she only saw her mom’s feet on the floor, sticking out of the bathroom in an awkward position. She rounded the corner to find her mother lying on the floor. The water was running in the bathroom sink where the white blouse was soaking.

  “Mommy, come on! I want to open my present.”

  Her mother didn’t respond. Then Noelle saw the blood on the floor by her head.

  An eerie wail filled the house like a siren. On and on the shrill sound reverberated, piercing the air. Noelle h
ad no idea the sound came from her own mouth. She only knew her mother was hurt and wouldn’t wake up.

  Many hours later, after the ambulance came and the family went to the hospital, and her devastated father brought three children back to a home with no mother, it occurred to Noelle that her mother’s death was her fault. She knew from that moment on that God had punished her by ruining Christmas.

  The birthday present remained unopened for almost a year, until Noelle finally felt the courage to open it. Inside was a set of baking molds to make an ornate gingerbread house. The gift—now useless without her mother to aid in the task—served only as another reminder of her guilt and punishment.

  Of course, by the time Noelle became an adult, she no longer believed in such a notion, recognizing the truth of the events as they occurred and her lack of culpability in her mother’s death from an aneurism. Yet a shadow of that childish belief remained. A permanent scar. A self-fulfilling prophecy of Christmases to come.

  Noelle lay on the floor, her face buried in Abby’s fur as she sobbed on the dog’s neck.

  “What’s wrong with me, Abby? Why am I so selfish? Why can’t I be happy for David that he’s getting his dog back?”

  Abby whimpered, obviously upset by Noelle’s tears.

  “I bet you love him, don’t you? He was probably really good to you. Maybe he let you sleep in his bed.”

  Abby licked her face in agreement.

  “I’m going to miss you, Abby. I’ve only had you for two weeks, and already I don’t know how I’m going to live without you. But you understand I can’t come visit you, right? It would hurt so much I’d start crying, and that would make David feel guilty. He’s so sweet—I can’t do that to him. I know what it feels like to live with guilt, and I don’t want that for him.”