by Tia Lewis
I took one step closer to the sound, then another. It was coming from the back of the house—the kitchen, maybe. I looked around at the big, messy living room—it was filled with sports equipment, dumbbells, empty water bottles and pizza boxes. I had never been inside a frat house before. It sort of smelled like feet and moldy socks. Didn’t they ever clean when there wasn’t a party going on?
And still, I walked, closer and closer to the voices. They were making fun of somebody. Get out. Go. Before they know, you’re here. Only I couldn’t make my feet move away from the voices to the door.
“And who’s he sitting with? One of his usual hotties? Nope.”
“Shut up, man.”
That was Jake. I would know his voice anywhere.
And that meant…
“Come on. Admit it. The girl needs to learn when to push back from the table.”
I froze solid. No. It couldn’t be me he was talking about, whoever he was.
“She’s curvy.” He sounded so pathetic. He should have stuck up for me, but instead, he sounded like a coward.
“Curvy?” A round of laughter. Oh my God. How many people were in there? My cheeks burned hot. “The girl is fat, okay? No wonder you never brought her around to meet any of us.”
I clamped my hands over my mouth. I needed to leave, fast. Right at that very minute, before I heard anything else. Only I couldn’t leave. I had to know if Jake would stick up for me.
“So, have you fucked her yet?” Another voice.
“Nah, that’s not his type. She’s the kind of girl you hang out with when there’s nobody else around. What is it about her, huh? Does she have money?” More laughter.
Another one of them spoke up. “Come on, I’ve been with one of those bigger girls before. They’re the best.” A chorus of boos. “I mean it! They’ll do anything you ask them to. They’re so fucking grateful you’re even touching them! They’re desperate!” More laughter.
I didn’t hear Jake. I didn’t hear him say a word. My fists are clenched, and I shook with rage. I wanted to go in there and claw their eyes out, to scream at all of them that I was a better person than they were, that just because they played football didn’t make them hot shit. They were nothing. They were pathetic. I hated them.
Including him. Oh, God, including him.
“Be honest, Jake. You have a little crush, and you didn’t want to tell us? You tired of getting all the hot pussy, so you decided to step down?” The first voice. He was the worst. He was cruel. His words tore at me.
“Zack, shut the fuck up.” That was the best he could do? He should have killed him for me if he cared about me!
“Oh, that’s it! He fucked her!” A round of cheers and laughter. Tears rolled down my cheeks.
“Was that your charity work for the semester, Jake?”
“Did she let you put it wherever you wanted?”
“Did you have to look around for the hole?”
On and on. I tortured myself, listening to all of it. Every word. I wanted to remind myself of how cruel they were when Jake came to me. I would never let myself forget it.
I remembered at the last second that Hamlet was still tucked under my arm. I left it on a table, then turned and fled. The sound of their howling followed me out the door.
I probably shouldn’t have driven with tears in my eyes the way they were, but someone up there must have been watching over me. I made it back to my dorm room and stumbled inside, then threw myself on the bed and let loose the emotion I’d only barely held back until I was alone.
Flashbacks of the horror I went through in high school flooded my mind. The voices of the football players might as well have been those of the kids I went to school with. Mocking me, laughing at what were the most intimate moments of my life. I couldn’t believe I let myself go through it again.
It was all his fault. He had set me up for it. He never cared about me—all he wanted was for me to tell the coach he did a good job, so he could keep playing football. He did whatever he had to do to keep me happy. Even sleeping with me.
I cried until I could hardly breathe, and still, I kept crying. It seemed like there was no end to the tears inside me. I realized my head rested on the pillow his head had rested on, and I threw it across the room with a scream of heartbroken rage. Fuck him.
And I had been so happy, too. I hugged the remaining pillow to me, holding it tight, pressing my face into it to muffle my sobs. I had already screamed—the last thing I needed was for the other girls on the floor to think I was having a fit and come knocking. Though I was sort of having a fit. They couldn’t help me. Nobody could.
I felt so dirty and foolish. Ashamed of myself. I would never forgive myself for being so stupid, I was sure. And to think I had defended Jake to my friends. My actual friends. I had pushed Adam aside for him. Would he ever forgive me? I doubted it, and I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t. I didn’t deserve it. I was a terrible person, terrible and shortsighted and naïve.
I remembered watching the movie Carrie with my brother when we were kids. That climactic scene at the prom had haunted me for ages—to think of the possibility that somebody would do that to get revenge. I understood the impulse. I hadn’t even understood it in high school as much as I did then. If I could have brought that entire wretched house down over their laughing, mocking heads, I would have. The world would have been better off without them.
Stop this. You’re thinking crazy thoughts. Who could blame me? My heart was broken. I was humiliated.
I’ll never let it happen again, I vowed. Not ever.
21
Jake
I waited until the cheering died down before I said anything else.
“You fucking bitch!”
“Uh-oh! Look who’s getting all angry,” he chuckled, sitting on a backward chair. “Tell me how it really is, then. Come on. What is it like fucking fat chicks?”
It was as if I saw him for the first time. I didn’t know he could be such a fucking piece of shit. I looked around at all of them—they were all being assholes, too, but they weren't as cruel, the way he was. And I had thought he was changing, too. I had thought he mellowed out after getting injured. When he knew he wasn’t untouchable, that he was only human.
“Fuck you!” I roared, feeling sweat roll down the sides of my face.
“Calm down, bro! Take it easy. Just tell us what’s going on.” Zack replied.
“I needed a tutor this semester, all right!” I looked around the kitchen. “I didn’t want any of you to know. My GPA was shit at the end of last semester, and Coach got nervous, so he gave me a tutor. I’ve been meeting with her every night, at the library. Got it?”
“Oh, so that’s where you’ve been. We were wondering,” Zack said. “Why didn’t you tell us? It doesn’t matter that you had a tutor. Jesus, and I thought you fucked her. I didn’t mean to insult you like that.”
I glared at him, trying to slow down my breathing. “What’s so bad about her, huh?”
“For starters? Everything. Doesn’t she hang out with that weird Dungeons & Dragons crowd?”
“How would you even know, if you don’t play yourself?”
A few snickers from the rest of the room.
“Everybody knows who those nerds are. And I think I know her roommate. She’s been to a few parties here. A theater geek.”
“Geeks and nerds. That’s all anybody is to you. Oh, and pussy. That’s women in general.”
“What the hell happened to you, bro?” Zack stood. “You used to be cool.”
“And I thought you were getting to be chill. You're a fucking bitch! So what if I was at the diner with her? So what if I fucked her?” I stared him down, ready to fight. “Who’ve you fucked lately, huh? Oh, that’s right. The chick from the therapy program. She doesn’t want to have shit to do with you anymore, does she? What happened? Did she finally figure out what a piece of shit you are?”
Zack launched himself at me, taking me by the collar and throwing me against
the wall. About a dozen guys got between us before I could swing and knock the shit out of him. I saw the truth in his eyes, though.
“You’re only on my case because you screwed it up with your girl. Admit it,” I spat, struggling to get to him. I wanted to kill him.
“Mind your own business if you know what’s good for you, Jake!” He tried to fight off Brad and another two players, but they held him back.
“You started this, man! You made a joke out of her!” I shook off the hands holding me back. “She’s a good girl, and she deserves better than that. I actually like hanging out with her and yeah, I did sleep with her. We’ve been sleeping together for weeks.”
“Oh, shit, dude.” Brad looked apologetic. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed.”
“None of you should have,” I shouted. “This is bullshit! I’m out of here.” I didn’t know where I was heading, but I had to get the hell out of that house before I lost it, fought Zack and risked the possibility of getting the cops called on me. If the UM or Coach found out, then I could kiss football goodbye.
I stormed out the kitchen before giving Zack one last glare and walked through the first floor, toward the front door. I passed the coffee table in the living room when something caught my eye and made me double back.
Hamlet. Not just any copy. It had the same post-it note Claire had stuck in it to hold my place when we were going through it together. I hadn’t left it on the table.
A cold pit of fear lodged itself in my stomach.
“Jake, wait up!” Brad came running behind me.
“What the fuck?”
“You okay, man? Zack can be a real piece of shit, and I apologize for laughing—”
“Did you hear anything out here?” I interrupted.
“What do you mean?”
“Like noises, anything?”
He shook his head. “It was too loud in there with you guys fighting. Listen, man, I really am sorry—”
“It doesn’t matter right now.” I held up a hand. “This book. I didn’t bring it in with me. I left it in her car.”
“Wait, what?”
“I left it in her car. I remember putting it in the center console, and I left it there.” I looked at him. “She was here.”
Understanding crossed his face. “No way. You must have brought it in when you came in. You just forgot.”
“No. I wouldn’t have just left it here like that. She did it.” How much had she heard? I couldn’t wait there, thinking about it. I had to know. I ran out of the house and straight to my car.
It wasn’t until I held the book in my hand that I knew how I felt about her. When the ice filled my stomach, I knew. I cared how she felt—she meant everything to me. She didn’t deserve to be hurt. Fuck, why hadn’t I said anything to Zack sooner? There was no telling what she might have heard him say.
I pulled in at the dorm. Her car was there. I ran inside the building and straight to her room.
“Claire? I have to talk to you! Claire!” I put my ear to the door, and all I heard was what sounded like muffled crying. Pain ripped through my chest. “Please, Claire, if you’re in there, let me explain. I’m begging you!”
I had attracted attention—five or six girls hung out of their open doorways, watching and listening. I even recognized one or two of them from parties, and I hated myself for it.
“Claire, please. I don’t know how much you heard, but if you had stuck around long enough, you would have heard how it turned out. Let me tell you. Please.”
The door flew open, and she was there, in front of me. Her face was red, swollen, and her shirt was soaked with tears. There was so much rage in her eyes. “Fuck you! Like I care about anything you have to say! I was right about you all along! You’re just like the rest of them! Standing there laughing at me!”
“I didn’t laugh—”
“But you didn’t stop them, either! You let it keep going! You didn’t stand up for me. I’ve always been a joke to you, haven’t I? That was why you always wanted to keep us a secret. Nobody could know we spent time together because they would know you were with a fat—geeky girl like me. Do you know how fucking pathetic you are?”
I heard a few snickers and slow claps from around me. The second time that day that I’d been humiliated. This hurt a lot worse. Tears streamed down her cheeks. All I wanted to do was wrap her in my arms and tell her how sorry I was, but I had the feeling she would rather die than let me touch her.
“You’re pathetic, you know? You act like this badass when you’re just a scared little boy who has to look big in front of all of his friends. Letting them treat me like a joke! Because that’s who I am to you, isn’t it? I’ve been a joke this whole time!”
“Claire, stop. That isn’t true!”
“Yes, it is. I am a joke for letting you do what you did to me. I’ll never forgive myself. I hope you remember that, and I hope it makes you laugh the way the rest of your boys laughed at me. You’re all a bunch of assholes, and you fucking disgust me.”
“Please, let me explain!”
“I’m sorry that I’m not a bimbo groupie who sleeps around. I’m sure you and your teammates would treat me differently if I was, huh?”
“No, Claire. Listen. I told him what a fucking asshole he was being, you didn’t stay long enough to hear that. I called him out and almost got into a fight defending you! I told them all about us and how amazing you are. I could care less about groupies. I want you. I’m attracted to you. I told my teammates that we were together.” I explained.
“Ha! Together?” She sneered. “Pfft, we were never together. Maybe I was using you. You ever think of that? Maybe I decided the money I was getting wasn’t enough. I wanted a little something extra. So I decided to let you screw me.”
“What?”
“You heard me, Jake!”
“Look, let’s talk about this inside.”
It was getting pretty intense in that hallway, as more and more girls came out to see what the noise was all about. I wished we could at least go into her room, but there was no way she’d let me in.
“Answer me! How does it feel, Jake? Huh? I used you. How do you feel about that?”
“Come on, Claire. Enough. I get it. I’m trying to make all this right.”
“You’ll never make it right. Okay? Not ever. So don’t waste your time and stop wasting mine.”
“Claire.”
“Lesson learned. I’m fucking done.” She went back to her room, and the slamming of the door made it all real. That was it.
I didn’t bother looking at any of the girls in the hallway, though I was glad a few of them went to Claire’s door to ask if she was okay. She needed friends to talk to.
I couldn’t have described what I felt if somebody offered me a million dollars. It was all a mess in my head.
I drove back to the frat house, and when I walked in, there was a lot less noise than there was when I left. Everybody looked embarrassed. Nobody would meet my eyes. Especially Zack, whose body language told me he was still mad at me for calling him out. His clenched fists and flared nostrils kept me away.
Brad saw me come in and came over. “So? What happened?”
“She heard everything.” Brad’s face fell, and he put a hand on my shoulder. I looked around the room. “She heard all of it. Every word you said. I don’t even care about how she feels about me now. She thinks I’m shit, and she’s right. I care about what you pieces of shit did to her. You’re a bunch of fucking cowards!”
“Chill, bro,” Brad replied.
“You’re lucky, Zack. You’re very lucky because I was this close to giving you another injury.” I threatened as I turned away and went upstairs, slamming my bedroom door.
22
Claire
One of the best possible things that could have happened after Sunday’s blowout was the support I got from the other girls on my floor. It was incredible. Three of them walked right into my room after I slammed the door and made themselves comforta
ble, even though they had never been there before.
“You’re not the only one, sweetie,” one of them told me, shaking her head. “Those assholes are the worst.”
“Which ones?” I asked, wiping my eyes.
“All of them,” they said in unison. I couldn’t help laughing a little. I recognized all of them after running into them in the bathroom, going into or out of the shower, that sort of thing. We had never really talked. I wondered why—they all seemed sweet.
“The worst is when they think they can just sleep with you and forget about you. Toss you to the side like trash. Like you didn’t even matter.”
“Has that happened to any of you?” I asked.
The three of them nodded.
One of them, a beautiful blonde named Beth, rolled her eyes. “Girl, please. The boys on this campus are nothing but a bunch of male sluts. All they want is one thing and will manipulate you to giving it up. They think because they play sports and everybody treats them like celebrities that it’s an automatic pass for pussy.”
“Beth! So vulgar!” Vanessa shouted.
“What? Am I wrong?”
“No. Actually, you’re right,” the third, Traci, added. She twirled her long brown hair around one finger. “I mean, get it while you’re young, right?”
“But it’s not cool when your feelings are involved,” Beth said. “Obviously, hers were.” She looked at me.
I nodded.
“So, what happened?” Traci asked. “What did he do to you?”
I looked around. “You won’t tell, will you? I mean, I would rather not have it spread around campus.”
“Sisterhood,” Vanessa said. “We keep secrets.”
I felt warm, all over. It was like the three girls accepted me. I felt like one of them. So with a deep breath, I told them the short version: I tutored Jake. We slept together. The last time we did it was earlier that day. I heard what his friends were saying about me.
