by Tia Lewis
“Oh, Claire.” Vanessa’s hands were over her mouth. “I can’t believe it.”
“And he’s still alive? I would have killed him.”
“Who was it, the one saying all those terrible things?”
I shrugged. “I think his name was Zack.”
“Oh.” The three of them looked at each other.
“Oh?”
“He’s the biggest prick on campus!” Traci shuddered.
“I did it with him once. He’s such a freak.” Beth shook her head.
Vanessa nodded. “And he’s an asshole too. Remember when that one girl, what’s her name … she said she slept with him at a party, and he told her to put her clothes on and go back to the party after? And then she caught him making out with another girl later on!”
I gasped. “Ew!”
The three of them nodded.
Beth gave me a hug. “Seriously, don’t take anything he says to heart. He’s one of the biggest losers on campus. Everybody knows that.”
“He’s perfect for the NFL,” Vanessa said. “A bunch of arrogant misogynists.”
By the end of the night, I felt a lot better. They shared their own stories—some of which put mine to shame. It was incredible the things girls put themselves through sometimes.
Still, my heart wasn’t totally healed. I wondered if it ever would be.
On Monday morning, I did the unthinkable: I skipped class. It was for a good reason, though. I had to talk to Jake’s coach. There was no way I could tutor him anymore.
When I entered his office, it was like he knew what I had to say even before I said it. “What did that idiot do this time?”
“Excuse me?”
“Please, have a seat, Claire.” He took his cap off, running an arm over his forehead. “I know that boy. I knew he would cock this up somehow. Pardon, the expression.”
I smiled half-heartedly. “It’s really nothing I feel comfortable getting into, Coach.”
“I should have asked a man to do it,” he said.
“That’s a good possibility.” I shrugged. “Anyway, I’m here to respectfully request that I never have to see him again.”
“What about your work-study?”
“Thanks to your generosity, I don’t need the money—I’ve already made more than I would have in a full semester elsewhere. Thank you for that.”
“Not a problem.” He smiled warmly. “It was worth every penny.”
“You’re right,” I said. “Jake has gotten straight A’s all semester. Even if he … cocked up … the rest of his grades, he would still pass comfortably.”
“Do you think he will?”
I thought about it, all emotion aside then shook my head. “I don’t think so. He’s much smarter than he gives himself credit for. He has a real passion for learning new things. It’s surprising. I’ve asked myself more than once who he could have been if football hadn’t always been the priority.”
“Lucky for me, it was the priority.” He smiled.
“Lucky for you,” I agreed.
“Thank you, then. You’ve turned him around. I wish I could say you turned him all the way around, but if you had, you wouldn’t be here telling me you can’t be around him anymore.”
I shrugged. “We both got what we needed. Jake got the grades, I got the money. Simple as that.”
“I wonder if that was all he needed,” he said, his gray eyes sharp.
I stood and shook his hand. “Well, that’s not my problem anymore.”
Life PJ—post-Jake—was much like life had been before him. Hard for me to believe, but it had only been six weeks that we’d been spending time together. Seven, counting break. Seven weeks could seem like a lifetime if enough things happened over the course of them.
I got back into my normal rhythm. Up early for class, typing my notes afterward. Lunch in the student union while I studied. More classes. Studying in my room until dinner time. Then, even more studying after that.
There was something comforting in sliding back into a routine, but it only took a day before I discovered how boring my life had been before I met Jake. Everything was rigidly structured—even my bedtime, which I rarely strayed away from except on Friday and Saturday night. I was a creature of habit, sure. But being able to mix things up every once in a while, would have been nice, too.
With Jake out of the picture, that would never happen. I had no one else in my life like him. Who would I hang out with? Jess? Sure, she was always busy and always welcomed me to join her at parties and such. I didn’t know anyone there, though. I would stick out like a sore thumb.
There were Thomas’s boring Dungeons & Dragons games. No.
Marcie sometimes hung out with a group of her friends from one of her science clubs, but that didn’t seem like it would be much fun for me. I didn’t hate science, but I didn’t love it, either.
Adam? He was a lost cause. Even if he spoke to me, which he hadn’t done in weeks, all he did was study like a madman. More than I did.
The thought of making new friends was exhausting. And it would take more time than I had to give—there were still my grades to think about, my transcripts, and my pending law school applications. I had to be serious and focus.
I just wanted a little fun on the side. Was that too much to ask?
I mulled it over as I walked into the campus cafeteria on Tuesday evening. I had elected to stay in on Monday night, still licking my wounds. Jess and I had ordered dinner, and she had listened while I poured my heart out to her. It was getting easier to tell the story, which I knew was part of getting over something so heartbreaking.
There were my friends, sitting at our usual table. I wondered how they felt about me crawling back to them. Would they see it that way? Marcie wouldn’t. She understood. But the others? I would have to see for myself.
“Finally having dinner with us, huh?”
I glared at Thomas. He had a way of putting things in such a way that I wanted to slap him silly. He was so damned snide, so superior. I slid into my chair and ignored the comment. I didn’t care about what he thought.
The person I cared about was Adam. He didn’t seem to have much to say. He didn’t even look at me. How much did he know? Probably a lot—word got around pretty fast when a star football player got his ass chewed in public.
“How was break?” I asked Adam.
He shrugged. “I studied the whole time.”
“Did you do any studying, Claire?” Thomas took a bite of his pizza.
“Yes, of course. Every day. You know me.”
“Any tutoring?”
“Not today, Thomas,” Marcie hissed. “Why are you such a troll?”
“Oh, come on. It’s not every day that one of us makes a fool out of one of them.”
“One of whom and one of who?” I asked. “You're being cryptic.”
“A person like one of us. You know what I mean. The ones who don’t exactly play sports or go to parties.”
“Oh. Gotcha. I still see you’re not over your daddy issues.” I stood up and picked up my tray. Marcie tried to stop me.
“Claire.”
“What? I won’t sit here with him.” I glared at Thomas. “You know, you’re just as bad as any of them. Except in their case, it’s ignorance. In your case, it’s jealousy. Fuck off!” I found another table and sat alone—not for long, though, as Marcie joined me.
And so did Adam.
“He’s been getting on my nerves lately, anyway,” Adam muttered. I smiled at him. Finally, he gave me a small smile in return.
After we had finished eating—I had no idea where Thomas went once we left him alone, and I didn’t care—I pulled Adam aside.
“Listen, Adam I’m sorry,” I said. “I really am.”
“Hey, there’s nothing to be sorry about.”
“Are you sure? Because I feel completely awful for leaving you hanging the way I did.”
“It’s all right. I get it. You and me … it would have been nice. But I’m no match ag
ainst UM’s top football player. I’m just an average dude—”
“Adam, stop.”
“And I wouldn’t have made you scream at me in the middle of the hallway. I heard about that.”
“I figured you would.” I blushed. “Everybody is talking about it.”
“It wasn’t meant to be between us. I’m glad we can chat about it, though. I’ve missed you.” He opened his arms, and I walked into them.
“I’ve missed you, too.” Then I patted his back, his sides. “Skinny. You’re too skinny. Why aren’t you eating enough?”
“I’ve been busy.…”
“Nonsense. I’m glad we’re eating dinner together again. I can keep an eye on you.”
He sighed, but it was with a smile.
23
Jake
All I had to remember her by was the program from the play we saw together, and the study habits she taught me. It was the most ridiculous thing in the world. I would never be the same, all because she showed me how to study. Of all the reasons to remember a woman.
It was more than that. I remembered the way she made me laugh. The way she made me see things, in ways I never had before. She challenged me to be more than I thought I was. There was no way for me to ever thank her for that. Not that I would ever get the chance since she had kicked me out of her life. I couldn’t blame her.
I could blame Zack, though, and I did. I made it a point to never be in the same room with that piece of shit if I could help it. I exercised away from the rest of the team and only gave them my full attention during practices and games. We kept winning, but my heart wasn’t in it. I took meals in my room, studied in my room. I didn’t party with them anymore, which was the biggest shock to the system for my friends. They couldn’t believe Jake Jennings would rather spend the night in his room, reading, than banging new tail.
“Are you sure?” Preston asked once, sitting on the edge of my bed. I was on my back, reading Pride and Prejudice.
“Yeah, I’m sure. I have a ton of school stuff to do. Finals coming up and all.”
He grinned. “I never thought you would become such a serious student. Check you out.”
“Yeah, check me out.”
“She changed you. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, she showed me how to study. Big deal.”
“More than that, man. She showed you how smart you are. You didn’t know that, did you? I knew it. I always knew you were smart. You never gave yourself credit.”
I didn’t answer him. He got up and left, closing the door. When I was alone, I put the book down on my chest.
He was right. That was another thing Claire gave me. Faith in myself. I had it in me to do something more than play football—that was probably what I would do for as long as I could, anyway, but at least I knew that once I got too old to play, I could always do something else. I wasn’t going to fall apart when football wasn’t a choice anymore.
I wished I could thank her.
I couldn’t imagine another semester at the UM, knowing she was there, not being able to be with her. Our paths probably wouldn’t cross—pre-law students and English students didn’t mix, usually—but with my luck, something would happen to throw us together again. And I would have to look at her face and remember the pain I caused her. I already remembered it. I could close my eyes at any moment and see her face in front of me. The hatred and shame all over it.
She didn’t hate me any more than I hated myself. I was a coward. Everything she’d said was right. I didn’t have the balls to stand up for her right away when I should have. To think, if I had only opened my mouth sooner, she would have heard something different. She would know how I wanted to put Zack’s head through a wall for what he said about her. Instead, I had to spend the rest of the semester—and the one following—trying to avoid her. I didn’t want to her hurt again.
A knock on my bedroom door.
“Yeah?” I didn’t look up from my textbook. The door opened, and I heard a cough. Even from that sound, I knew who it was.
“Come in.” I stood and shook his hand. He and his girl had gotten back together, and I’d just heard that he’d already been invited to the Combine in Indianapolis in February, where the scouts and trainers put prospects through workouts and tests before the draft in April. I was still waiting on my invite.
“So you’re talking to me,” Zack said.
“Listen. Don’t be an ass again, okay? I’m over it. Besides, I wanted to congratulate you, man.” I sat back down.
He laughed a little. “I don’t know how not to be an ass. Don’t you know that about me by now?” He leaned against my dresser, arms crossed over his chest. “I wanted to say I’m really sorry for everything. I mean it. I fucked up and everything is my fault.”
I didn’t answer right away. Who was this person? Zack never apologized for anything he did. It wasn’t his style.
“So, what brought this on? What’s the catch?” I turned in my chair to look at him.
“There’s no catch and a lot of things have come up. Mostly the way Sam and I made up over the weekend.”
“That’s cool.” The words sounded hollow, even to me.
“Yeah, I know. I’m not trying to rub it in, I swear. That’s the last thing I want to do. I wanted to tell you you’re right. I acted out because I was so pissed at Sam and myself. It fucking killed me to see you with somebody, because I couldn’t be with the person I wanted. It sounds so childish, and I know it does. I hate the person I was when I said those things. If there’s anything I can do, please, let me know.”
“Are you being serious right now?”
“I’m telling the truth, bro. I really fucked up, and I’m sorry.”
“You want to call up the folks at the Combine and tell them I’m waiting to hear from them?”
He chuckled. “You’ll get the call. Don’t worry.”
“Other than that, what can you do? Turn back time? Like I said I’m over it, and I know she’s over it too. She probably has already moved on, and I don’t blame her.”
“Well, I could talk to her for you,” he suggested.
“No. I don’t want to bring it all back up for her. It’s not worth it. Just let it go, man.”
“It is worth it, though. That’s what I figured out. It’s all worth it. I was too proud to go to Sam and tell her I was sorry. She reached out first, and that was the open door I needed. If she didn’t text me to say hi one night, I don’t know what would have happened. I’d be fucking miserable still, I guess, making myself feel better by making everybody else around me just as miserable.”
“Whoa. What did Sam do to you? Where did the old Zack go who didn’t give a fuck?”
“I know, right? It’s weird.”
We both laughed.
He stood up straight. “I mean it. If she’s worth it, just say the word, and I’ll go talk to her.”
“Congrats, Zack but it’s a little too late.”
“Okay, bro.” he replied heading out my room.
Alone. Like I would always be. No way could I let him talk to her. How pathetic was that? She would see right through it, too. Like I was trying to manipulate her or something. I knew her well enough already. That was the way she thought.
I was glad things worked out for Zack and Sam, but it didn’t work that way for everybody. He just got lucky, was all. I was never lucky. I used up the little bit of luck I had when I met Claire.
“You wanted to see me?” I stepped into Coach’s office.
“Hell, yes, I wanted to see you before everybody ran out of here for Thanksgiving.” He waved me in.
I took a seat. “What is it, Coach?”
“I wanted to congratulate you, boy. You know me—I don’t believe in praise where it isn’t due. But I heard you maintained an A average all semester. I’ve got to admit, you were right. You had it in you to do it on your own.”
“Oh, so Claire told you I was alone, then?”
“Of course, she did. She’s an honest wom
an. She wasn’t going to take my money, though she could have. I wouldn’t have known since you kept up your grades anyway.”
“Did she say anything else?”
“What do you mean?”
“About how things ended up, I mean.”
“Nah, she didn’t have to. I called it right away. You cocked it up. Right?”
I laughed ruefully. “Right on, Coach.”
“What did you do?”
“It’s really nothing I can explain.”
“Can you un-cock it?”
“I don’t think so. It wasn’t meant to be, you know? Besides”—I laughed— “she hates football. No way we could have lasted. Football’s my life.”
He nodded, his head tilted to the side. “You want to see something?” He pulled a framed photo from his cluttered desk, handing it to me. “My wife. My daughter. My two boys. They’re my life. They’re my whole world. Football’s just a game, son. It’s just a job. That’s not life.”
“But you never fucked up as badly as I did,” I told him.
“Bullshit. We all fuck up sometimes, son. That’s part of life. You make mistakes, and you learn from them.”
“I guess.” I shrugged.
“Man, do you know the number of times my wife, has screamed at me? And I screamed back just as hard, let me tell you. We’ve had some knock-down, drag-out fights in twenty-five years. Sometimes she has to say she’s sorry, sometimes I do. But we are, at the end of the day, still together. Stronger than we’ve ever been. Not because we don’t fight, but because we do, then put it back together.”
“Aren’t some fights too much? The sort of thing you can’t come back from?”
“There are some fights like that. Where things are said that can’t be unsaid. Was it really that bad, though? I mean, did you say anything that was unforgivable? Did she?”
“She was right about everything she said. She sees right through me.”
“All the good women do. What about you? What did you say?”
I sighed. “It was what I didn’t say. I should have defended Claire, and I didn’t. She heard it. I didn’t know she was there at the frat house. She missed the part when I stood up for her, but I should have done it sooner right when the boys started making fun of her.”
