The Consequences of Forever (Lainey)

by Kaitlyn Oruska

  “I had a big breakfast,” I defended myself. “And I’m at the weight I need to be. I go to my appointments regularly.”

  She nodded. “A midwife, right? Going the all-natural route? Well, more power to you. I had a C-section, in case you were wondering.”

  I hadn’t been, so I said nothing. “Why are you here?” I asked instead.

  Lila picked up her straw and stirred the ice in her glass, watching it as it moved around and around. “I told you last night, Ala- Lainey. I’ve been away long enough.”

  “I haven’t seen you in nine years. Why, all of a sudden, are you interested in being a part of my life?”

  “Because this is the time in your life when you need me the most, Lainey, whether you believe that or not. Maybe I haven’t been much of a mother to you in the past, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am your mother. I gave birth to you. All that discomfort you’re going through? I went through that, with you. For you. You can’t tell me that doesn’t count for anything.”

  “It doesn’t,” I replied. “It takes so much more to be a mother than just giving birth.” I’d already known that, but hearing the words sent a shockwave of panic throughout me. Suddenly, labor and birth seemed like the least scary things in the world.

  “And you’re an expert in this?” She asked. “Lainey, I was twenty years old when I had you. Maybe that doesn’t sound so young, considering your age, but believe me, it was. And your father was thirty! There’s a lifetime worth of difference in ten years. I wasn’t ready.”

  “Then why did you have me? There were other options, Lila.”

  She looked shocked that I would even bring the possibility up. “How could I not have you? Contrary to what you might believe, I was madly in love with your father, and I loved you from the minute I found out you existed. I still love you. Something like that doesn’t just go away, despite my actions. You’ll see.”

  The similarity in our situations struck me. She’d chosen to have me because she claimed to love my father. Was that not the reason I’d chosen to have this baby? I was too strong-willed, too stubborn to do something simply because Adam wanted me to. If it weren’t for the fact that I loved him so much and wanted every part of him I could have, I might not be in this situation right now. The realization was unsettling, and I didn’t want to think about it.

  Our food came, but neither of us made a move to eat it. I didn’t want to be there anymore. I looked out the window, but Adam was gone.

  “I’m not expecting you to forgive me overnight, Lainey. I know that isn’t possible. But this can be a start, can’t it?”

  “I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. “I’ve been through so much lately…”

  “I know,” she said. “Believe me when I say I know.” She reached across the table for my hand, and for whatever reason, I didn’t try to pull away or stop her.

  “One chance, Lainey. Once chance is all I’m asking for. Deep down, I know that you’ve wanted this for a long time, a chance to get to know me, to understand why I did the things I did. Let this be that chance. If you decide that I’m not worthy of being a part of your life, then fine, I’ll completely understand that. But promise me that you’ll at least try, for a little bit. Okay?”

  I stared into her deep blue eyes and tried to find evidence that she was toying with me, trying to gain something from this. Maybe she was here to relieve herself of some guilt she was experiencing. Maybe she wanted to see me in person to realize I was a failure, and there was probably nothing she could have done to prevent it anyway.

  Or maybe she’s here because she regrets not being the mother you wanted, and she misses her daughter. The thought crept into my mind without permission, and stuck there.

  I forced a smile, and it felt as awkward on my face as her hand felt pressing on mine. “Okay,” I agreed, hardly believing the words that left my lips. “One chance. That’s all.”

  She squeezed my hand, a light shining bright in her violet eyes. “Thank you, Lainey. You won’t regret this, I promise.”

  Something inside me feared I already did.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  “I have to admit, I don’t know what exactly I was expecting, but it wasn’t this,” Lila said, flashing me a small smile.

  “What do you mean?” I asked. We had finished lunch about an hour ago, and were now taking a walk along Haven’s main beach. The mid-May sun was beating down on us, and it felt refreshingly warm. A few feet ahead, a young mother chased her daughter away from the ocean, their laughter ringing loudly in my ears.

  “I don’t know,” Lila admitted. “I suppose I kind of expected you to be depressed and maybe a little listless. Not so positive and ready for everything.”

  I thought back to the beginning of my pregnancy. The sleepless nights, the constant worry. “I was, at first,” I told her. I didn’t know why. The last thing she deserved was for me to truly open up to her, but I did it anyway. Maybe a part of me wanted that, wanted the connection mothers and daughters were supposed to have, especially now that I was going to be playing the opposite role.

  “But you’re not now,” Lila observed.

  “No, now I’m just accepting everything that happens. Obviously this isn’t a situation I ever thought I’d find myself in, but it happened and the only thing I can do is deal with it and make the most of the situation.”

  Lila smiled, and for the first time I saw myself in her. I quickly looked away.

  “You’re so mature for your age,” she remarked. “I’m proud of you.”

  I wanted to tell her she had no right to be proud of me, that she hadn’t had a single thing to do with the person I’d become, but I refrained. A part of me wanted this.

  I could deny it all I wanted, but if a part of me didn’t want to be here, talking to her and trying to get to know her, even a little, then I wouldn’t be. I owed her nothing, but maybe I did owe this to myself.

  “How did Adam react when you told him?” She asked a few minutes later. I found myself thinking back to that night of the fundraiser, in my bedroom. Tossing the pregnancy test at him, letting him see the evidence for himself.

  “He didn’t,” I answered. “He just accepted it.”

  Lila raised her eyebrows. “He was completely okay with it?” She didn’t look convinced.

  I shrugged. “Probably not, but he knew I was upset and I guess comforting me was more important to him than freaking out.” I remembered that it wasn’t the first time around for Adam, and the dull pain resurfaced that always came with that realization. I hated to think about it, about his secret and the way he’d hidden it from me for so long, but sometimes I still did.

  “Your father freaked out,” Lila said, laughing a little. “He’d never admit to it, but he most definitely did.”

  “I can’t picture Dad freaking out.” He’d always been so mild-mannered, my entire life. He never seemed to have a strong reaction about anything, good or bad. I pictured him the night of my sixteenth birthday, calmly staring at me as I made my announcement, then calmly watching Nora leave the restaurant before following her out.

  “Well, he did. I don’t think he really wanted to have more kids. Not to say that he didn’t want you, because it isn’t that at all. He’d just had such a bad experience with Mason, all the responsibility and then his leaving and knowing another man had stepped in. He was afraid it would happen all over again with you.”

  “But it didn’t,” I observed. “You walked away first.”

  Lila stopped walking, staring directly ahead. I followed her gaze, and found nothing. Looking back at her, I noticed she seemed to be struggling with herself, trying to find the next words to say.

  “You’ll understand,” she said after a few minutes of silence. “When you have this baby and you’re overwhelmed with the responsibility, you’ll understand why I did what I did.” She turned to me, her eyes softer than they’d been this entire time. “Pregnancy and birth are the easy parts, Alaina. You’ll see.”

 
“Lainey,” I whispered in correction, but the wind carried my words away. We resumed walking.

  “I’d like to get to know Adam better,” she informed me, her voice back to normal. “He seems like a great kid, but I’d still like to properly introduce myself, get to know more about him.”

  “You should meet his parents, too,” I said without thinking. But it made sense. Ned and Julia were my family now, more than Lila and my dad were. If she was serious about reentering my life and trying to be a part of it, then she needed to meet them. She needed to meet their approval first, and then maybe she’d meet mine.

  Lila looked surprised at first, then pleased. “That would be wonderful.”

  I tried to imagine Ned and Julia’s reaction to Lila. Julia would be kind and considerate, like she always was, but Ned was hard to predict. He usually stayed quiet, but Adam had told me some stories about where he hadn’t remained quite so reserved. Family meant a lot to Ned, it was the one reason why he was okay with Adam not attending college; he knew being here to support his family was more important. I couldn’t imagine what he might think of a woman who willingly abandoned her own daughter, just to come back years later and try to fix things, after they were assumingly beyond repair.

  “Maybe we can set something up,” I suggested, going with it because I didn’t know any other option at the moment. “Dinner or something.”

  “I’ll invite them out,” she decided. “I’d hate to expect anyone to cook for me. I’ll pick up the entire tab.”

  “You can afford to do that?” I realized I had no idea what Lila did for a living. I’d more or less assumed she had done something in the entertainment industry, but I hadn’t really asked.

  “I can,” she confirmed, smiling. “I have a pretty good job, back home. I was working at a boutique for a few years, and then the woman who owned it wanted to retire, so she sold it to me for a very good price. It’s been more successful since I’ve taken over than ever before.” There was pride in her voice.

  “Los Angeles?” I asked, trying to remember my life there, but it was pointless. My father and I moved out of California when I was two. Memories didn’t go back that far.

  “No, I’ve been living in San Francisco for a few years now.”

  “Oh.” So I’d gone on all this time, picturing my mother living her life in the last place I’d known her, only to find out now that all my visions of her were completely wrong. Maybe I was wrong about everything when it came to her, but I didn’t think that was really possible. I just kind of hoped it could be.

  “I’d be happy to tell you about my life, if you want to know,” she offered.

  Part of me did. Part of me wanted to know every reason she had for not being a part of my life; part of me wanted to know what had been so important that she couldn’t have stopped every once in a while and acted as a mother, even for a few hours.

  “I don’t know,” I replied. “Not right now.”

  “I completely understand,” she agreed. “So, then tell me about yours.”

  “I’m pregnant,” I replied. “What else is there to say?”

  Lila laughed again, a light sound that bubbled from deep inside her throat. “Plenty. How did you meet Adam? How long have you been together? I see a ring on your finger, does that mean you’re engaged or just committed or what? How do you like living so close to his parents? Are you happy to be rid of that witch Nora?”

  “Nora isn’t a witch,” I said immediately, though deep down I wasn’t so sure I agreed with that anymore. “She just doesn’t support me.”

  “The one time you really needed support,” she continued. “That, to me, defines a witch.”

  “You haven’t been around my entire life. Nora was there for nearly four years of it. I don’t think you have any right to judge.” My voice came across as bitter, and I hated it, but I couldn’t seem to regret the words. They were true, after all. Maybe Nora had left the same way my mother had, but at least she’d tried for twice as long.

  That silenced Lila, at least momentarily. “You’re right,” she said when she finally spoke again. “You’re completely right.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to ignore the guilt that washed over me. I shouldn’t feel bad for talking to her like that; she’d done it to herself. Everything that happened had been her doing, and I shouldn’t feel guilty for reacting to it. But I still did.

  “I met him in June,” I said. “June fifteenth, to be exact. At a party, kind of.”

  “Kind of?” She seemed intrigued.

  “I went with Hannah, but it was boring and too loud so I went outside, to the beach, and he followed me. We kissed that first night, and that was kind of the start of everything. And this is an engagement ring. He gave it to me on Valentine’s Day. It’s alexandrite, the birth stone of June, since that’s when the baby is due. It changes colors, depending on the light. And I love being close to Ned and Julia, sometimes I feel like they’re the closest thing I’ve ever had to real parents.”

  Lila looked hurt for a second, but the emotion disappeared from her face almost as soon as it had appeared, making me wonder if it had ever really been there in the first place. “I’m sure they’re great people,” Lila agreed, placing a hand gently on my shoulder.

  “They are. Julia welcomed me right away. She wasn’t even mad about the situation at all. Ned was, at first, but he got over it. I don’t know what would have happened if they hadn’t been.”

  “You would have been okay,” Lila said with confidence. “You could argue that I don’t know you well enough to know that, but you’re still my daughter. You lived inside of me for nine months. You’re strong; you would have found a way.”

  I wanted to believe that, but coming from a woman that had disappeared from my life almost in the same amount of time it took to create me, I wasn’t sure it held much substance.

  “Do you think tonight is too early to invite them out?” Lila asked.

  I nodded. “Yeah, I think it would be. But we can try to plan for tomorrow night.” I tried to remember if Julia and Ned had mentioned other plans, but couldn’t come up with any.

  “That would be wonderful,” Lila beamed. “I’ll do some research and try to find the best restaurant.”

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “I most certainly do.” She put her arm around my shoulder, and for whatever reason, I let her. “Of course I do.”

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  “Are you sure about this?” Adam asked, looking like maybe he wasn’t. He leaned against the doorway of our bedroom, watching me carefully as I moved around the room, trying to get ready as quickly as I could. The warm May weather had forced him to trade in his leather jacket for a simple black t-shirt, which clung to him, showing off his lean but muscular stature.

  Lila would approve, I found myself thinking for whatever reason. “No, I’m not, but the plans have already been made.” That wasn’t entirely true. I’d found myself actually looking forward to this, earlier that day.

  It hadn’t been hard to convince Ned and Julia to go out to dinner with Lila. Ned had seemed skeptical at first, but Julia was quick to jump in and announce that it was a great idea. I think she knew it would mean a lot to me, and strangely enough, it did.

  “I’m not,” Adam admitted, even though he didn’t have to; it was written all over his face. “I feel like I shouldn’t have pushed you to get to know her better.”

  “You didn’t push me to do anything,” I reassured him. “It was my decision.”

  “Yeah, but you were nervous about it, and now I’m the nervous one.”

  “It’ll be fine. The worst that can happen is she leaves again, and I already know that’s going to happen. She has a fantastic business in San Francisco; she can’t just up and leave that to be near me.” I ignored the tiny voice in my head that couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that were a possibility.

  Adam walked over to me and slid his arms around me from behind. “I just don’t want to see you hurt.�
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  “I won’t be,” I promised, spinning around, or at least attempting to, and smiling up at him. “I promise.”

  “Well, as long as you promise,” he said, half-jokingly, leaning in and brushing his lips across mine. “I love you, you know that?”

  “I think I’ve gotten the hint.” I extracted myself from his arms and headed to the door. “We’d better get going or we’ll be late.”

  We walked the brief pathway from the guest house to the main house, where Julia and Ned were already dressed and waiting. Adam was the most underdressed in just a t-shirt and jeans, but I was pretty sure he was doing that to make a statement. Ned wore a suit, which wasn’t surprising since I didn’t remember ever seeing him in anything else, and Julia wore a simple white dress, her color of choice. I’d put on a light pink dress Julia had insisted on buying me a week earlier. It wasn’t quite my style, but it fit pretty well and it was comfortable, and lately that was what mattered. Dresses seemed to be much easier to wear these past few weeks.

  We didn’t talk much on the drive to the restaurant, which seemed strange, because normally the four of us never ran out of things to say. Ned was always the quietest anyway, but his silence that time felt heavy.

  Telling Ned and Julia about how my mother had suddenly resurfaced had been scary to me. I’d told Julia all about it before, a few months ago after I’d first moved in, about how I’d never really known my mother, and we didn’t keep in touch. How she’d chosen her career over me, and never turned back. I’d told her about the one Christmas when I was seven, the only one we’d spent together. I’d admitted that even though I was still hurt and angry, and maybe always would be, part of me wanted her to come back, to make things right. I just never expected that to actually happen.

  Lila had chosen a steak house, one of the premier ones in Haven, one that I’ve never been to before. We gave our name to the host, and he led us right to the table, where Lila already sat. Her face lit up at the sight of me, and she immediately stood, outstretching her arms. Not knowing what else to do, I stepped into her embrace. She smelled like honeysuckle, and my mind was suddenly full of memories I didn’t remember having.