It was Nana’s turn to frown as her gaze spun to me. “That’s odd, because we’ve always found her to be a straight shooter, just like her Dad.”
“Maybe it’s just us guys she likes to play ’round with.”
My hands found my hips. “Maybe she’s in the fucking room and you should both stop talking about her like she’s not.”
“Phoebe!” Nana exclaimed.
Beau’s gaze was fixed on me, his lips curled up into a snarl. He dropped the expression a second later when he turned back to Nana. “Don’t worry about it, Ms Reede. I’m used to her gutter mouth. She’s turned it on me often enough. Haven’t ya, darlin’?”
I wanted to turn it on him again. My fingers clenched and unclenched at my side. “If there’s nothing else you wanted, I think we’ll be going now.”
“Actually, I was hopin’ to have a word or two with ya alone.” Beau’s gaze turned from me back to my nana. “If ya don’t mind. It won’t take a minute.”
I could feel Nana’s gaze passing between Beau and me. “Not at all,” she said after a moment. “I’ll go sign myself out and wait in the car.”
It would have been so much easier if she’d said no. If she’d demanded my undivided attention while she was in the country. Instead, a minute later I was face-to-face with Beau.
Alone.
“What is it?” I crossed my arms in front of my chest.
“We never finished our conversation, and I haven’t been able to find a minute alone with ya. Xavier is always ’round.”
“Well, we are going out.”
He huffed out a breath. “Yeah, I know. Ya don’t need to tell me twice. I just wanted to apologize for my phone call that night. I was drunk. It was stupid.”
“Forget about it. I have,” I lied.
“So, can we still be friends?”
I shrugged. “I honestly don’t know, Beau.”
“Why’s that?”
With a sigh, I turned away from him and leaned against my desk. Nana was right. I never used to be one to beat around the bush. Maybe it was time to shoot straight from the hip. “Because I can’t look at you without every moment of the time we spent together replaying through my mind. I can’t listen to any country song without thinking of the way we fit together the first time we screwed each other.” The words making love had struggled to be freed, but I stomped on them, reminding myself that it was only ever screwing for him. “I can’t hear your voice without it echoing the sweet nothings you once whispered to me.” Pushing off the desk, I spun back toward him. Three or four steps would have been all I needed to throw myself into his arms. It took everything I had to stop myself. “And I hate that I feel that way.”
He stared at me, his breath choppy and his eyes wide. Something burned within his gaze that I tricked myself into believing was hope.
“It’s pathetic, isn’t it?” I continued. “Pining away for something that’s long gone and impossible to get back. I can’t lie, Beau. I still want you. I’ve never stopped wanting you.”
He took one step toward me, lifting his hand as if to reach for me. A moment later, his fingertips traced my cheek.
“If things had been different . . .” I trailed off, unable to admit just how in love with him I had been. Or still was. As his fingers caressed my jaw, my eyes drifted shut and I leaned into his touch. I could feel him shift closer, and almost anticipated the touch of his lips.
A moment later, his hand was gone and my eyes shot open.
His expression fell and he retreated, his lip curled up into twisted version of a smile. “I knew it.” He grabbed his phone out of his pocket. “Do you wanna call Xavier, or shall I?”
“What?”
He took a handful of steps toward me, and I retreated just as fast until my arse hit my desk. His lips ghosted the skin of my cheek. “Will ya tell him that ya still want me? That you’d kiss me if I let ya. That you’d share my bed ag’in without a second thought.”
I shoved his chest, and he backed away. Arsehole. Why was he determined to play with my heart like a goddamned cat plays with a mouse? “Get over yourself, Beau. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m saying I haven’t forgotten the things we did together. That it’s not easy to be friends with you because of them.”
“If ya say so, darlin’.”
“I can’t help the way I feel about you, but that doesn’t mean I have any intention of acting on it. Not again. I made that mistake once already.”
“So you’re stickin’ with the story of being exclusive to Xavier, that’s what you’re tryin’ ta tell me?”
“Yeah.”
“If ya say so,” he repeated. For a moment, I thought that was the end of it, but then he snarled at me. “But one day, you’ll screw up. Just like you did with me. It’s inevitable. And when that happens, darlin’, I’ll be there to dance in the destruction.”
My heart hammered against my ribcage as his words echoed my fears. For so long, I’d worried I was poison, and unable to love and unwilling to try when I didn’t know what the future held. Now, that fear had turned around and was attacking me from the other side. Maybe I was unlovable.
Beau hadn’t wanted me.
Not to the exclusion of all others at least.
Was he right that it was only a matter of time before I did something or said something that pushed Xavier from love to hate?
“Get out,” I said, cursing my traitorous throat when my statement ended in a sob.
“With pleasure.”
When he wheeled around and left, I dropped to sit on the edge of the desk, one hand clasped to my throat as I struggled for air.
I was ready to return home. To go back to the naive teenager Beau had accused me of being. To pretend I’d never grown up and become Daddy’s little girl again. To go back to knowing the world was full of good guys and bad guys, not the multitude of shades in-between. Where the people you loved the most were your family, and they would never hurt you.
Without thinking it through, I shoved my hand into my pocket and pulled out my phone. A second later, I had Xavier on the line.
“Do you love me?” The question was desperate and needful.
“What?”
“I need to know. Do you love me? Are you capable of loving me, and only me?” Fear raced around my body, twisting my heart and rattling my bones, shaking loose the words that I’d never issue otherwise.
“Of course, Phoebe,” he soothed. “Of course. It’s you. Only you. Always.”
I closed my eyes and drew down the desire in his voice. Absorbed the words that I needed more than any others. “Say it again, please?”
“What’s wrong?”
“I—I—” The thought of how ridiculous I was being finally caught up to my brain. “Oh my God, Xavier. I’m so sorry. I just . . . Beau was . . . I needed to know that I’m not unlovable.”
“Has Beau been causing you trouble again?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. My mind is just all over the place right now. I think I need to spend some time away from work. Away from everything. I’ll call you when I get my head on straight.”
“Phoebe, I—”
I didn’t hear the end of Xavier’s statement because I’d hung up the call and turned off my phone. It would stay off until Nana had left. She didn’t need to see me break down. Especially not when Dad was apparently just waiting for the one disaster that would give him an excuse to drag me home.
After taking a moment to let my heartbeat return to normal, I made my way to the back exit—turning off the light in the garage as I went—and found Nana’s car.
“I hope that was nothing too serious?” she asked when I climbed into the passenger seat.
I shook my head, but didn’t trust myself to say anything.
“Phoebe?” Nana’s voice held all the questions I didn’t want her to ask.
Turning my head away, I swiped at my eyes to ensure I had no traitorous tears in my eyes and swallowed down a breath. “Yeah?” I replied as brightly as I
could manage.
“Is everything okay?”
“Y-yeah, of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be?” I swallowed down the lump in my throat and picked at my nails. “Duke’s is just down the road a little if you still want to check it out?” It was close enough to walk, but I wanted to be able to make a fast exit when we were done.
“Do you want to?”
I nodded. “Sure.” The word was barely out before I had to twist my face toward the passenger window again to hide the emotion building within.
“Are you sure everything is okay?”
“Yep.” I sank my teeth into my top lip and closed my eyes.
Thankfully, Nana had learned enough from her dealings with Dad to understand I wasn’t going to talk no matter how hard she probed, so we managed to turn our lunch around to something almost positive. At least until she tried to tell me she believed Beau still felt something for me as well. Her argument was that the sort of passion and level of hatred he showed was usually tied to strong emotions. When her comments caused me to clam up again, she retracted them. It left me feeling a little more hopeful about Christmas.
At least until we arrived at my apartment and I drove past Xavier’s car on the way to the parking garage.
PASSING MY HOUSE keys to Nana, I headed outside to meet Xavier. When I saw him slumped behind the wheel, I tapped on the window. He startled and then glanced up at me. A frown marred his brow as he climbed from the car.
“What the heck was that phone call?” he asked as he rounded the car.
A second later, he’d pinned me against the passenger door. His hands were in my hair and his lips were on mine. The kiss was as punishing as the one he’d given for Beau’s benefit. I pulled away to catch my breath and stop the assault.
He used his hold of my hair to guide my head closer to his until his lips were against my ear. “I was so worried. You didn’t answer your phone and then you didn’t answer your door. Where have you been?”
“I went to get some food with Nana, that’s all. At Duke’s.”
“Was Beau there? What happened?”
“Xavier, don’t worry about it. I’m sorry I worried you, but I’m okay. Really. I just want to spend some time with my nana while she’s in town.” I gave him a soft kiss on his lips. “I’ll probably leave my phone off, but we’ll catch up in a few days, okay?”
His frown deepened, but he nodded. “If you’re sure?”
“I’m sure. Go spend some time with your family. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Phoebe?” He cupped my cheek.
“Yeah?”
“I do love you.”
It was exactly what I’d wanted to hear earlier, but now it settled over me in an odd way. I didn’t want it to be something he felt compelled to say, or something he thought I should be compelled to return. Instead of replying, I kissed him again. “Thank you for checking on me.”
I moved out of his hold and away from him before he had a chance to press me for a response to his declaration. When I reached the door, I pressed the intercom for my apartment and waited for Nana to buzz me up.
“Today has certainly been interesting,” Nana said when I’d found my way inside. She held a fresh red rose, just like the other one that had been left for me. “Is it always like this?”
“Not always. Sometimes I get bacon on my burger.” I gave a dark, mirthless chuckle.
“This was waiting by the door.” She offered me the rose.
I grabbed the glass I’d used for the last rose and set some water up for the new one.
“Who’s it from?” she asked.
“I have no idea. I think I must have garnered a secret admirer in the building.”
“Secret admirer?”
“I can’t think of any other explanation. Only someone with a key code to the building would be able to get near my door.”
“You’re not worried about it?”
“Why would I be worried? It’s flowers and some chocolates.” As soon as the words were free, I held up my hand. “Don’t worry, I didn’t eat them. I’m not that silly.”
“You will be careful, won’t you?”
She sounded more like Dad than she’d probably ever care to admit. “Always.”
CHRISTMAS CAME and went. Then two days later, far too soon for my liking, it was time to say goodbye to Nana. True to my resolution, I’d spent the days ignoring my phone. Ignoring everything to do with Richards Racing. The only contact I’d had with anyone else had been to Skype home on what was their Christmas morning. It was great because we left the line open while they all opened their presents.
It was only after I’d returned home after going to the airport to see Nana off that I finally turned on my phone to what was my real life.
There was a stream of messages from Xavier. Feeling guilty that I’d ignored him, I sent him a text letting him know I was alone again and trying to set up another date for New Year’s Eve. He was good to me, and didn’t deserve to be dragged through the mud because I was tangled up in knots over Beau.
As well as the messages from Xavier, there were three from Angel. Each one made me miss her that much more. We hadn’t talked nearly as much as usual, and it was like trying to get through life missing a limb. Other than my trip to the States, I couldn’t remember a time when we hadn’t spoken at least once a week.
The first of her messages was to wish me a Merry Christmas. The second called me a bitch for not wishing her a Merry Christmas. The last confirming her trip was definitely on and letting me know she’d be hiring a car. Not because she didn’t trust me on the bike, but because she didn’t want to be getting around at night exposed to the cold.
She also let me know that Dad had insisted she leave the car with me when she left. I texted her with an apology and a willing acceptance of whatever plans she had in store as penance. According to her, I’d be making it up by taking her on a getaway she had planned for us.
Finally, there was a message from Beau. He reminded me about a sponsors’ function on New Year’s Eve. As if I couldn’t read a fucking calendar. I ignored his text.
Xavier texted back to confirm he’d be attending the New Year’s Eve function with me. At least I wouldn’t have to face the crowd alone.
For the next few days, I went over my track notes again and again, trying to force them all into my memory. There were so many more races in the sprint car season than the ProV8 series. So many more tracks to learn. It was starting to stress me out. Partly because, unlike at home, I’d never driven on any of the tracks, had never seen most of them outside of the photos and video, and partly because I hadn’t had enough time in the car to really have a feel for it. I would be driving back-to-front to what I was used to, and I had no idea how I’d cope under race conditions.
I’d called home again, partially to check that Nana got back safe and sound, but also to get my head around the tracks. Dad sat with me and watched while I took on a few practice laps on my simulator, helping me iron out some bugs in my technique. He was as uncertain about racing with the left-hand drive controls as me, but he gave me a few pointers on keeping things in check. Having his guiding voice in my ear was almost like being at home again.
By the time New Year’s Eve rolled around, I was ready to shake off my worry and have a night out. Because it was a sponsor event, I splurged on hair and make-up again to go with the new dress I’d bought during a shopping trip with Nana—along with a thicker coat for the weather. I hadn’t expected it to be quite as cold as it was. To ensure I didn’t ruin my carefully put together look, I caught a taxi to and from the salon. The cab was delayed and then slow, so I was late getting back. Just as I arrived back home, Xavier pulled up behind me.
Because it was easier than just buzzing him up later, I waited for him to park so we could go up together.
“Hey, Xavier,” I said as he climbed from his car.
He did a double take when he saw me. “Wow, Phoebe, you look absolutely stunning.”
I touched my ne
wly styled hair. “Thank you. You should see the dress that goes with it.”
“I can’t wait.”
I pointed at my building. “Wanna come up and wait while I get dressed?”
After agreeing, he followed me into the elevator. Because it was the first time we’d seen each other since Christmas Eve, there was a little bit of awkwardness between us that had never existed before.
“About last week,” I said as soon as we were alone in the elevator. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.” He moved closer to me. “I did mean what I said, though. I love you, Phoebe.”
Even though it was probably the perfect time to return the sentiment, I couldn’t. It wasn’t that I didn’t care for him, I just wasn’t entirely sure it was love. Not yet at least. Even hearing him say the words made me retreat from him. He followed me until I was pinned against the wall of the elevator.
His gaze was locked with mine. “Do you feel the same way?”
“I—I think so.”
His brow dipped and one eye twitched. “But?”
A sigh slipped out as I slumped back against the wall. “I don’t want to be hurt again.”
He chuckled and his expression relaxed. “I ain’t gonna hurt you. I’m not like him. I won’t leave you.”
I put my hands on his hips and leaned my forehead on his chest. “Just give me some time.”
“For you, I have all the time in the world.”
When the elevator doors slid open, I saw there was a parcel in front of my door. It was another heart-shaped box of chocolates.
“Who’s that from?” Xavier’s tone flattened and his body grew rigid.
“I’m guessing the same person who sent me the roses and the last box of chocolates,” I muttered. The series of gifts, and their random arrival, was starting to get creepier. “In other words: I have no fucking clue.”
Xavier snatched the box from me and turned it over in his hands. “So you don’t have any ideas at all?”
“The best idea I have is that it’s someone in the building. Otherwise, how can they access my door?”
“Maybe you need to leave a note stating you’re not interested. That you have a boyfriend.”
Phobic (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story #2) Page 17
