Drowning in the East River

by Kimberly Pierce

  Shutting the door behind him, David looked around the room. The tables were sparsely filled with the late night remnants of the evening crowd. The smell of old alcohol hung heavily in the air and mixed with the thick smell of cigarette smoke. David crossed his arms, leaning against the back wall of the restaurant.

  The singer up on the stage looked worn and exhausted. She leaned heavily on the microphone stand, her virtually transparent, white dress hung snuggly on her seductive curves. Her hair was carefully curled into tight ringlets, and had been bleached an unreal shade of platinum blonde.

  Ma' he wants to marry me

  Ma' he's awful nice to me

  Ma' he's almost breaking my heart

  If you peek in, can't you see

  I'm goin' to weaken

  Ma, he wants to marry me,

  Be my honey bee

  Ma I'm meeting with resistance

  I shall holler for assistance

  Ma, he's kissing me…

  David scanned the crowd that was left in the restaurant. His eyes were drawn to a couple near the back of the house. A boy and girl, barely into their twenties, were curled up tightly in the far back of the booth. She leaned heavily against her beau's shoulder, her eyes squeezed shut in drunken exhaustion. He kept a secure arm around her shoulder, holding her tightly to his body. His fingers toyed lightly with the stem of the champaign flute in front of him. He swayed lightly with the music floating lazily over them.

  Feeling himself hovering near the point of sleep, David stood up and moved towards the doors which opened to the street.

  The sounds of the sleepy nightclub faded into the peaceful silence of the city streets. Despite being in the middle of the city, the ocean waves were the loudest audible noise.

  The boards creaked under their feet as they slowly moved down the boardwalk, the almost frenetic sights and sounds of Atlantic City whirled around them at a dizzying pace.

  David dropped his hand to his side, snatching Jessica's hand up in his. The sun was just starting to drop underneath the horizon. The street lamps lining the boardwalk flickered on as they slowly weaved through the Saturday night crowds.

  Jessica glanced down at Thomas, who had a look of wide-eyed wonder as he paddled along next to her. "Come here, Tommy," she said, scooping him up into her arms. She hugged the baby tightly to her chest. "You're going to get trampled little one." She followed his glance, as Thomas stared after the bright lights of Nino's Saltwater Taffy Shop.

  Thomas poked at his mother, pointing at the shop.

  "Do you want to go look?" Jessica asked.

  Thomas nodded excitedly.

  "Can we, Father?" Jessica asked, meeting David's eyes.

  David looked around, "Of course," he stammered.

  They turned and moved in the direction of the taffy shop. Jessica gently set Thomas onto the pavement, "Go ahead, darling." He put a gentle hand on his shoulder and guided the little boy toward the massive window. Thomas ran, overwhelmed with excitement as he thrust his nose right up against the window separating him from the thick stacks of round, brightly colored candy. Behind the counter, two burly men were pulling a thick strand of lemon yellow taffy.

  David turned to face his wife, who's eyes were glued to their son. The smile which had crossed her face as she watched him was almost angelic. She turned to face him, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I almost hate to say this, but I want another one."

  "You do?" David asked, honestly surprised to hear the answer.

  She shook her head, "Um-hmm." She pulled his cap off his head and rustled his hair before planting a gentle, but decisive kiss on his lips. "I love you, and I'd kinda like having another little you running around."

  "I love you too," David replied. He kissed her, before shifting his eyes back to where Thomas was trying to push his way through the candy store window. "It sounds like you're getting the short end of the stick, though."

  David stumbled into the hotel room and dropped into bed, sleep overtaking him before his head hit the pillow.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  "I can't keep doing this, David," Alexander said, looking over at him. He clasped his drink tightly between his fingers. Alexander forced out a centering breath as he took another puff of the cigarette.

  "What?" David asked, letting out an involuntary cough. He pulled his shaking hands back, protecting the glass in his hands. He ran his tongue over his chapped lips as he continued. "Excuse me? Where is this coming from?"

  "I understand being depressed," Alexander replied, setting the cigarette down. He turned in his stool and looked over at David. His eyes were hard and exhausted, lacking the soft and playful edge they always had. "Believe me. I do. It's just... Jessica wouldn't want you to live your life this way."

  "I know that," David replied. He leaned forward, running his hands through his hair. "It's doesn't feel that easy. I can't just snap my fingers and magically feel better." His words came cautiously, feeling as though he would loose control of his crumbling composure. "I keep hoping that one day something will just snap, and I'll come out of this fog I'm wandering around in."

  "You have to pull yourself out," Alexander said, his voice had a hard edge to it as he continued. "I've seen how much you're sleeping right now."

  David looked around the diner, collecting his thoughts. "If you had my dreams, you wouldn't sleep either." David said, biting his lip. He took a handful of nuts off the counter. "It feels like they're just getting worse."

  The truth was, he was lucky when he could sleep a few hours a night.

  "What the hell, David?" Jessica asked. She turned around from where she was bent over the stove. She braced a hand against her back. A frying pan of something greasy was simmering on the boiler.

  "What?" David asked, slinging his jacket over one of the dining room chairs. With the heat, and the baby, she had been having vicious mood swings.

  "Is it true?" She snapped. She dropped a container of flour heavily onto the counter. She began scooping cups into the frying pan, sending puffs of flour into the air around her.

  David stopped, staring at her in silence. Her hair was tucked into a frazzled bun. The flour streaked over her cheeks, she had been fighting with dinner, and was probably loosing the battle.

  She turned around. Her eyes were harsh and puffy as they bore into him, waiting for an answer to a question he didn't know. Her cheeks were a startling shade of pale.

  "What's wrong, Jessica?" David asked, walking into the kitchen. He exhaled sharply, forcing a soothing tone into his voice. He held out an arm, moving to wrap his arm around her.

  "Do not fucking come near me," Jessica said, taking a step away from him. Her hands flew up in front of her, creating a barrier between them.

  It had been years since he had seen her so angry."What the hell is wrong?" David asked, his voice scoffed at the suddenness of her outburst. His mind cycled through the last twenty-four hours, trying to remember of what he might have done to set her off. He paused, forcing his voice down an octave, trying to bring an element of calm to the situation. "Talk to me, Jess. Please. I can't fix things if I don't know what is wrong."

  "Whores, David?" Jessica asked. She took off her apron, throwing it on the floor as she stormed into the sitting room. She spun around to face him, her cheeks streaked with angry tears. She spat out the words as she continued. "Is this really how little you respect me?"

  "What?" David asked, honestly taken aback by the question.

  "Is that all you can say?" Jessica asked. Her hands were shaking noticeably as she stared him down. Her Irish accent flared with her building anger. "Anna told me about that girl you go see on the Upper East Side. Am I not enough for you?"

  David took a quick step in her direction, "Jess, please sit down." He reached out for her arm.

  She slapped David’s arm back, taking a step away from him. Her voice quivered with forced restraint. "I'll sit down when I damn well feel like it. I think I know my own body and what I can handle."

  "
What did she tell you?" David asked, taking a gentle step back, giving her space.

  "So you're admitting it?"

  "Jessica, please don't get too excited," David said, deliberately keeping his voice quiet to diffuse her anger. "The baby..."

  "Can you even comprehend how much I've given up for you?" Jessica stopped, and looked down at her stomach, "Because of this? Do you have any fucking clue?" Her voice hitched, as she did her best to choke back her frustration. She ran her fingers through her hair, flour sticking in her dark hair. "My writing, my politics... all of that down the fucking drain so I can be a goddamn housewife?”

  David sat down on the sofa heavily. He was aware of how much she had given up for him. Every day since they were married, he struggled with the feeling that he wasn't good enough for her. She could have easily done so much better than living in a Murray Hill tenement with him. "I'm sorry Jess..."

  They lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. David spoke softly as a pang of guilt jolted him in the stomach as she looked up at him. “Jess, there was a girl, but it is the honest truth that I haven't seen her in at least six months." He reached out for her hand and looked up at her.

  "Six months?" Jessica asked, running a flour streaked hand through her hair. She looked up at the ceiling, as she fought to keep her emotions in check. "Six fucking months?"

  David jumped in, he spoke quickly,"It's no excuse, but I've known her a long time, since I was still in school. My priorities were fucked up, but I've straightened everything up. I ended things."

  "So, you've seen her since we've known about the baby..." Jessica said, her voice starting to trail off. She turned away from him, her eyes were wide in disbelief. She placed a steadying hand on her stomach, forcing out a sharp exhale. Her voice trembled as she continued. “Are you seriously telling me this, David?"

  "When we found out," David replied, squeezing his eyes shut. "She helped me work through some of my feelings. I've known her for a long time. She's an old friend."

  "You fuck all your old friends?"

  "I'm sorry you had to find out this way," David said. "She means absolutely nothing to me. I swear."

  Jessica spun around, wiping the collecting tears out of her eyes. She swallowed, reining in her composure. "Get the hell out, David."

  "Excuse me?" David asked.

  "Get the hell out," Jessica said. Her voice was even, looking her in the eyes, she wasn't speaking out of emotion. She grabbed a tissue from the pocket of her apron."I can't look at you right now."

  "What do you..." David stammered.

  "Get out. Go find somewhere else to sleep tonight. I need some space to figure things out.”

  "I love you, baby." David said. He took a timid step towards where she was standing in the living room.

  "I'm not going to have this baby tonight. I really need to not see you right now. Get the fuck out," Jessica said, once again pulling back from him. She abruptly turned and stormed into the bedroom, pulling the door sharply behind her.

  "Fuck!" David said. He grabbed his jacket off the chair and rushed from the room. As he stepped into the hallway, he slammed the door loudly behind him. He stood in the dingy hallway, which was weighted down by shadows from a burned out bulb over his head. Every muscle in his body twitched from the adrenaline pulsing through his body. He rammed his fist into the wall.

  "Shit!" He said, breathless as he pulled his hand back from the hole in the wall. His knuckles were bleeding.

  "You've never been through this," David shot back, his nerves starting to fray. He pushed an unruly bang back from his eyes, as an unruly bang slipped down into his eyes. He squeezed his eyes closed. A pounding headache throbbed just behind his eye. "You have no idea how hard this is."

  "I do..."

  "I lo-," David snapped back. He stopped, and shifted his eyes towards the bar in front of him, taking a long drag from his cigarette. He refocused his attention, balancing the cigarette on the edge of the ash tray as he turned back to look at Alexander. "I loved her, you know. How am I just supposed to get over that?"

  "You just-"

  "It hasn't just gotten better like everyone seems to think it will."

  Alexander was seething. With a grunt, he took a shot of the drink in front of him. He stood up, and looked down at David. He spit out the words which flew into his mind, "You can't keep doing this to yourself. Figure shit out." With that, he slammed the drink down on the table and moved in the direction of the door, leaving David sitting alone at the bar.

  Resting his head in his hands, David could hear the chugging of a motor just outside of the bar. He could hear the muffled shouts of delivery men making their rounds.

  "You had one of your nightmares again last night," Jessica said as she looped her hand through the crook of his arm. She looked over at David as they stepped up into the streetcar which had rumbled to a stop in front of them. She looked over at him, concern hanging in her eyes. "It sounded like a really bad one."

  "I guess. I never really remember them." David replied. He shifted his eyes down the car, searching for a seat near the back for them. He dropped his voice to a whisper in the crowded car. “C’mon, sweetie. Right back here."

  He led her towards the back of the streetcar and waited as she slid into the open seat. Most of the benches were filled with people mulling around the course of their daily lives.

  "You know you can talk to me about everything right," Jessica said as she adjusted herself on the hard bench. She draped her hand on her stomach, breathing heavily. "You honestly don't have to worry about protecting me. I want to help. We'll get through this together."

  Glancing in Jessica’s direction, David could see that she knew he was avoiding the subject.

  He'd never told Jessica that the nightmares were always the same. Usually he was in the hospital, his body searing in pain. It was always the most terrifying just before he woke up, bathed in a cold sweat.

  "Are you all right?" David asked sitting down next to her on the bench, changing the subject.

  "I'm fine," Jessica replied. She let out a small sigh as she let her head slip onto his shoulder. Her face had turned pale; she squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, exhaling deeply as she collected herself. "I'm just a little tired with- you know, considering everything."

  She opened her eyes and looked up at him, her eyes registering a striking moment of clarity in her tired haze. "How do you feel... with everything?"

  David thought for a moment, "I suppose I shouldn't be saying this, but I'm scared to death."

  "That's actually really good to hear," Jessica said, cracking a small smile. She shuffled, pressing her body into his. She looked up at him and chuckled. "I was starting to think I was the only one."

  "You aren't," David said, brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes. He smiled, and shifted his glance down to the floor of the street car. He continued slowly, trying to force back the emotional frog he could feel building in his throat. "You know, I'm worried I'm not going to be good at it."

  "You're going to be a great Father," Jessica replied, bracing her hand on his giggling knees. Even though she was on edge, Jessica had the uncanny ability to calm him down. She smiled up at him, as she ran her free fingers down the length of his scruffy jawline. Her voice was low, just above a whisper as she continued. "Truthfully, David. You're going to do fine."

  "I get nervous," David said, forcing out a chuckle to defuse the tension knotting his stomach.

  "So do I," she said. She laid her head on his shoulder, gently fanning herself with her hand. She paused as a wave of emotion briefly overwhelmed her voice. "I like to think that as long as the two of us stick together, we'll get through this." She squeezed her eyes closed, quickly collecting herself.

  "Well, what makes you nervous about- it?" David asked. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder as she curled her body into the crook of his.

  "The same things as you I’d expect," Jessica replied, chuckling softly. She glanced out the window as they passed a group of suffr
agettes protesting on the corner of 23rd Street. David watched her eyes follow the women. She missed being with them. Turning back to face him, she smiled. "If I've learned one thing growing up, I really am the furthest thing from maternal. I'm not sure a screaming infant is really in my skill set."

  David looked down at her. He rested his hand on her stomach. He could feel the baby kicking under the skin. Leaning back in the seat, he pulled his cap off his head, fanning himself slowly. "It's strange."

  "What's that?" Jessica asked, relocating his hand to her knee. He closed his eyes, inhaling deeply. She jumped in after a moment of silence, a small smile spreading across her lips. "Tell me."

  "I'm not used to you being the insecure one," David said, opening his eyes once again. Jessica had always been the strong one. She was the rock there to cradle his insecurities. "Usually you're telling me that I’m the one being silly and irrational."