Memories of a Highlander

by Susan Bella Ikin

  “Eleanor, I am so sorry. I forgot that the newlywed couple are escorted to their chamber by the crowd, I would have spared ye that if I had remembered. They don’t know what ye suffered yesterday, and they don’t know what ye are afraid of, but I do. I know that ye are scared, and I understand why. Just know that I will not force ye, I am not Lachlan. What I am is tired, and I am sure that ye are too. The bed is big enough for the both of us to share without having to even touch. Tomorrow after a good night’s sleep, we can talk about our future, but tonight, I would just like to go to sleep in my own bed, secure in the knowledge that my wife is safe beside me. Do ye trust me to try that?”

  I saw at the sincerity in Donald’s eyes, then nodded. I looked around, wondering where I could get undressed with some privacy. Donald seemed to understand, and stood, turning his back. I quickly took off my outer clothing, leaving on only my chemise, and slipped into the bed, pulling the covers to my chin as I rolled over to face the wall. I knew that if Donald made a vow to me, he would honour it, so I didn’t doubt that he didn’t intend to insist on his conjugal rights tonight, and I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that another day would pass before I had to face my fears. I tensed as I felt the mattress dip under Donald’s weight, and the covers moved as he crawled under them. I stayed tense for a long time, wondering if he would change his mind, but eventually I became aware that his breathing had changed. It was even and deep. I risked rolling over, moving very gently so that I did not disturb him, and from the back I watched his chest expand and contract as he breathed. Donald had fallen asleep. I watched for a while longer, then must have fallen asleep myself, as the next thing I knew, it was morning, and the bed next to me was cold.

  I sat up in surprise, and then heard a soft knock, then a quiet voice, speaking low.

  “Eleanor, it’s me, Mary. Can I come in?”

  I shakily called out yes, and Mary entered, carrying a baby. She turned and closed the door behind her, before walking around the bed to where I was struggling to sit up, and sat down on the edge of the bed.

  “I’m sorry Mary, I’m just a bit sore…” I began, then my face flamed as I realised what she might be thinking. Mary smiled at me and placed her hand on mine, as she shifted her babe to her other arm.

  “You don’t have to explain to me. Donald told me that you were riding all day, and I remember how that is. You will be sore today until you get moving and stretch your muscles again. Look, I don’t want to embarrass you, but you should know that Liam told me what happened, and how Donald protected you. What Liam didn’t tell me, was what I need to know if I’m to help you. It’s only us here, you don’t have to be worried that I will tell any of the men if you don’t want me to. I might have to talk to Bridget, the healer, depending on what you tell me and what you want me to do, but we’ll talk about that later. Please don’t feel embarrassed at what I’m going to ask you, but it might be important. Did that man succeed? Did he actually rape you, or did Donald get there in time like he said?”

  My face flamed again, I seemed to be blushing a lot lately. I looked into Mary’s eyes, seeing nothing but kindness and concern there, and decided to trust her.

  “Donald told the truth, he stopped Lachlan in time. Do ye know where Donald is now?”

  “Donald and Liam are talking about what happened at your home. Liam needs to know if there could be any repercussions on the McGarrows, so he asked Donald for more details. I listened a little, but wanted to check with you to see if you needed my help, or Bridget’s help if it came to that.”

  “But why would I need any help now? What could ye have done that Donald didn’t already do?”

  Mary looked at me quizzically for a while, then rocked her babe as it started to fret. I reached out a hand towards it, and it gently grasped my finger with its little hand. I melted a little inside. The babe was a big one, and had red hair like its father, but a look of its mother around its face.

  “What is it?” I asked, pulling my hand back as it started to cry, worrying that I had done something to upset it.

  “It’s a boy. We called him Robert Edmund. Robert after Liam and Donald’s brother, the one who died when they were little boys. Edmund after my first husband. Would you mind holding him while I unlace my tunic? He is hungry and if he doesn’t get his food he will yell at the top of his little lungs, very like his father”.

  Mary passed the babe to me, and I awkwardly held him as she showed me, supporting his little head, while she prepared to nurse. Suddenly a strange thought occurred to me.

  “Ye named yer son with Liam after yer first husband? Ye were married before? Liam doesn’t mind his son carrying another man’s name?”

  Mary smiled as she took the babe and put it to her breast where it latched on greedily.

  “Yes, my husband died before I met Liam. Liam doesn’t mind at all. He knows that I loved Edmund, but I love him differently, and so much I can’t believe it sometimes. I know a few people thought it was odd when they found out, but Edmund had a lot to do with the person I am now, and it seemed a good way to honour him. Besides, since he is dead, it seemed harmless to name our child for him. Now, if I had called him D’arcy, that would have raised a few more eyebrows, I can tell you, but that’s a story for another day”.

  I looked at Mary with new interest. There was so much more to her than I had realised at first. It struck me then that we would probably be good friends. We were of an age, had both come to this house under strange circumstances, and then I remembered why Mary had come to see me, and wanted to find out more.

  “Ye said something about fetching a healer for me. Is it because of my face? I’ve had a few injuries before, been thrown from horses and such, and it will heal in a few days, ye don’t need to fuss over me for that”.

  Mary looked at me a while longer, seeming to struggle for words.

  “Well, as it turns out, you didn’t need my help, because you said that Donald chased off that man before he hurt you any more than a few bruises around your face, so we can probably leave it go then?”

  Now I was really curious, and more than a little afraid. Mary had obviously thought I needed help, and now didn’t, but what sort of help was she talking about?

  “Mary, can ye please tell me what ye want to know? Yer scaring me a little. Why did ye need to know about, well, yesterday? And what could Bridget have done for me that ye could not? I remember when I was here last, ye used the herbs to keep down the bruising after Donald tackled me to the ground, is that what ye were thinking? Because I am a little sore, I did get some bruises in the struggle, but I didn’t want to tell Donald that because he was angry enough already and I was afraid he would go looking for Lachlan if he knew how much he hurt me”.

  Mary looked at me quizzically for a bit longer, then looked down at her babe, detaching him from one breast and swapping him to the other. I looked away, unused to seeing such things. I had not been interested in bairns before, so my experiences of them were very limited. I looked back at Mary to see her watching me.

  “Eleanor, you can tell me if I’m being too nosy here, but I have to ask this. Last night, did you and Donald consummate your marriage? Are you still a maiden?”

  I blushed again and then stammered out my responses.

  “But why, Eleanor? When you were here before, I could have sworn that I saw you looking at Donald with interest, and he seemed to like you, I must have misunderstood or something, forgive me”.

  “No, no, there’s nothing to forgive Mary. Ye must have misunderstood though. Donald only married me to be kind. He is a man though, I’m sure if I was willing he would, well you know. But I’m too scared. What Donald didn’t tell anyone last night was how close Lachlan was to violating me. He was trying to force my legs apart, and I could feel his, I could feel him pushing against my leg. A few more seconds and he would have-“

  Mary patted my arm as I began to tear up again, but I shook my head and kept talking.

  “Donald has been so good, and doesn’t dese
rve to have a wife who is too scared to let him near her. Now he’s stuck with me, and he deserves better”.

  At this I pulled the sheet over my head and began to sob. I heard rustling, then a loud belch, then Mary moved closer to me, putting one arm around my form under the sheet and rocking me as if I was her babe too. After a while I quieted, and after wiping my eyes on the underside of the sheet, pulled it down off my face to see her quietly sitting near me, watching me, with her babe now asleep in her arms. She spoke gently.

  “The reason I was asking you all those questions, Eleanor, was that I didn’t know if Donald was not telling us the whole truth, to spare you some embarrassment, or shame. What I have to say to you first is that if a man forces you, then it isn’t your fault. A real man would never do that, only a cruel beast who enjoys hurting women. You are probably feeling a lot of bad feelings, even if he only came close, and you have to change your thinking. It was not your fault, and no-one here would think differently of you anyway. I was concerned about your health, if he had forced you, you might be feeling some soreness, or have some intimate injuries that might need doctoring. Do you understand what I’m saying, Eleanor?”

  My eyes opened wide as I realised what she was saying. Now I was worried about something else.

  “Does it hurt, Mary? Even when ye want to?”

  Mary sighed.

  “I won’t lie, it can. It doesn’t have to, but you have to be honest with Donald, if the time ever comes. Does he know you have never been with a man before? Because that’s something he should know – otherwise he probably will hurt you. If you aren’t really ready to receive him, then it can be very uncomfortable. That’s why I was worried about what might have happened to you, you could have been injured and weren’t telling anyone. But since that isn’t the problem, that’s one thing you don’t need to worry about. The injuries to your body are only a few bruises around the outside, which you are right, will heal. What is bothering me, are the injuries to your mind. You had a very frightening experience, but you mustn’t think all men are like that. If you don’t come to terms with that, how are you and Donald going to have a future together?”

  At this point, Mary put the babe in my arms again so that she could retie her laces. Instead of taking him back when she was done, she left him there, and I brushed his little face as he slept, seeing his little red-gold eyelashes flutter as he dreamed, and wondering if Donald’s child would look similar to this. I then realised what she had done, looking up at her and smiling at her.

  “Ye are a crafty one, Mary. Ye did that on purpose, didn’t ye?”

  Mary smiled back. Then she leaned forward and spoke to me quietly.

  “What I am about to tell you is between you and me. The only person here who knows this is Liam. My first marriage was loving, but loveless, if you know what I mean. My husband and I never laid together as man and wife, and it was very difficult to live like that, living a lie in front of other people. Don’t misunderstand me, I loved my Edmund, and he loved me, but there were reasons, which I don’t want to discuss, for why he never could make love to me. It was only when I fell in love with Liam that I realised that what I had with my late husband was only half a life. It’s not just about making love, it’s the intimacy of being together, and the joy of bringing a new life into the world, that’s what makes me feel complete. I don’t know if you love Donald, or if you will ever love him, but I think you like him, and that is a good start. Get to know him, and don’t shut him out of your life, that would be wrong for both of you. Now that we’ve spoken, I understand why Donald seemed so odd this morning. If he thinks you are scared of him, he will hate that. No matter what you might think, he does like you. Did you ever ask him what he was doing on your lands yesterday?”

  With that, Mary plucked her babe from my arms and headed to the door. Reaching the door, she turned back with one hand on the knob and reminded me of a disgusting tradition I had heard of before.

  “By the way, if you don’t want tongues wagging, and want everyone to believe that your wedding night was as expected, just make a small cut somewhere, somewhere that people can’t see, and drop a few drops of blood on the sheets. Not a torrent or they’ll send for Bridget mind you – just a few drops”. She winked at me and left the room.

  Donald

  I had been roundly beaten in the lists in every practice I had fronted up for. The other men laughed at my discomfort, many making ribald jokes about how I must have used too much energy last night pleasuring my new wife. I let them go, letting them think what they liked. I had drawn Liam aside privately and told him the truth about what had happened over the last couple of days. Liam was still simmering with anger over Eleanor’s treatment. He had always hated the thought of men forcing women to their will, and as he now considered Eleanor part of our family, he felt the injury doubly. I leaned against a shed wall, tired out from being beaten by men that I knew I could usually best, and then I saw them, watching on the hill. Eleanor and Mary. Mary waved as she realised I had seen them, and I waved back. A few men turned to see who I was waving at, and then the jokes began afresh.

  “Is that yer arm sticking up in the air at the sight of yer wife, Donald?”

  “I don’t think ye will be any good to her, ye couldn’t even best me, ye won’t be able to put any real effort into a tumble.”

  “No staying power, that’s the problem”.

  Liam growled at them to knock it off, but it continued as I turned from them and walked over to the women, flicking an arm up over my shoulder as if to wave them off. I approached the women and stood there for a moment, unsure what to say. Thankfully Mary filled the awkward silence.

  “I thought I’d bring Eleanor to show her where you men often spend your days. But you shouldn’t be here the day after your wedding. Why don’t you go out for a nice ride or something? Or maybe you don’t want to get on a horse so soon, why don’t you take a walk by the lake? It’s such a lovely day, you two should spend some time here away from all these idiots”.

  I flushed as I hoped that the women hadn’t heard what the men had been saying to me, but then realised that Mary had been around us long enough to have overheard enough to know what was often said when men thought that women weren’t around. I looked at Eleanor, and realised that she didn’t know anything about the place that was to be her home, so decided that Mary had a good idea. I held out my arm to Eleanor, and she took it, smiling.

  “The loch then? Even though Mary does not know what it is”, I said as I turned and glared at Mary. A lake indeed.

  Mary laughed and walked back into the keep. As I walked away, a movement out of the corner of my eye made me look back. My movements made Eleanor look back as well, and we both saw Liam stride towards the keep, trying for all the world to look as if he was on business, but clearly he was in pursuit of Mary. I smiled as I thought that even after more than a year of marriage, and a babe, my brother and his wife still behaved as newlyweds. I kept my eyes forward as Eleanor and I walked, not wanting Eleanor to feel any discomfort at this obvious display of affection. She surprised me by her next words.

  “They really love each other, don’t they?”

  “Who, Liam and Mary? Yes, they always have. It just took them a while to see what everyone else could”.

  “What do ye mean?”

  I considered my words.

  “Well, everyone could see that there was something growing between them, Liam could not keep his eyes off Mary, nor she off him. Ye know that we took Mary from her family to ransom her, did ye not?” At her nod, I continued. “Well, before long, Liam was hoping that the ransom would not be paid, I knew that almost as soon as he did. Even Ma could see that Liam was head over heels for Mary but would not admit it to himself. When we found out that the ransom would not be paid, Ma suggested to Liam that Mary might like to marry one of us, and said she thought that Mary and I would make a good match of it.”

  “No, she didn’t? Did she mean it? Would ye have gone through with it?”


  “Yes she did. Ma has always known how to get under Liam’s skin, and she was trying to make sure he knew how he felt, by making him face up to the possibility of losing Mary. She didn’t really mean it, and I never could have married Mary. It was obvious from the start that Liam was in love with Mary, and I could never have come in between them”.

  She patted my hand as we walked.

  “Ye are a very good man Donald. Yer family is lucky to have someone like ye, someone so fine and honourable. Yer right though, it never would have worked between yerself and Mary, she obviously loves Liam and they should always be together”.

  We reached the hill that led down to the loch, and started walking down it. The waters sparkled, clear but deceptive. Even now, in summer, it would be cool. I however, was still feeling sweaty and uncomfortable from practice, which wasn’t helped by my close proximity to Eleanor, so I hastened our steps a little, intending to have a quick swim. Eleanor giggled as she struggled to keep up. I laughed and swept her into my arms, which allowed me to lengthen my stride. It also allowed me to hold Eleanor in my arms, her squeals of pretend fear and combined mirth made me smile. I reached the side of the loch, and stood next to the water, pretending that I was going to drop Eleanor in fully clothed. She gripped me around the neck tightly, begging me not to let her go. Little did she know that I could not.