I was almost afraid to move. Watching her bringing a mirror toward me was like seeing my own death playing out. This was sickening. Then I saw it; my reflection in the mirror. “Damn, I look hot,” I played.
“I know, right? I’d totally dyke out with you.”
“Whoa!” I stood up and looked right at her. “Are you a lesbian?”
She winced. “No!”
I clicked my fingers together. “Damn. I got excited for a second.”
While I pondered on the lingering idea, I saw her as if it were slow motion, putting her face next to mine and clicking a picture.
She pulled it out of my reach and ran toward her bedroom, closing the door so I couldn’t catch her. I banged it several times. “Seriously. This ain’t funny.”
“I’m only keeping it to remember our night together, that’s all.”
“Then come out here and I’ll give you something else to remember it by.”
“Keep talking like that and I’m not coming out at all, Jax Mitchell.”
I was pacing, silently freaking out. She was going to send that to Chris, I just knew it.
“If that picture gets sent to anyone you owe me sex. I’m just putting it out there.”
When she opened the door her phone wasn’t in her hands. She held them up. “I come in peace. It’s put away.”
“Let me see it. It needs to be erased.”
Then I watched her boob light up. She covered her chest with one hand like I hadn’t seen it. I darted after her, reaching for the phone to erase the evidence. In doing so I may have touched her breasts a few times. While I struggled she spun around so her back was turned to me. In the way we were standing it appeared like I was hugging her.
Then I stopped fighting. I had her in my arms, and the last thing I wanted her to do was pull away. With my face near her I softly whispered. “I didn’t deserve that.”
She spun around, but didn’t move back an inch. Now face-to-face, I struggled with what to say next. She was so close to me, so beautiful. I wanted nothing more than to lean forward and kiss her lips.
Instead I closed my eyes and pressed my mouth on her forehead. When I pulled away, I knew I had to step into the bathroom. The moment had gotten the best of me. Being that close to her was dangerous. If I wanted her like I felt I did, I had to respect her wishes and be patient.
They say the best things come to those who wait, well that better be true, because being with her was going to be the best moment of my entire life.
Chapter 14
Amber
I would have let Jax kiss me, because in that moment I was ready to let myself fall into whatever was happening between us. While I was frazzled, he pulled away and sat back down on the couch. This guy was unpredictable. One minute he was taking off his clothes throwing himself at me, and the next he was a perfect gentleman.
Thankfully, his decorated face helped me cope with being shot down. Apparently our almost kiss had left him forgetting that he looked like a clown. Deciding that it was best to let us both calm down, I sat beside him and pulled my legs up under my butt.
Jax stared at the show, paying me no attention, even though it was obvious I’d joined him. It may have been a long time since I’d been around a man, but I was able to read this with little effort. He was trying to settle down. The idea of him getting worked up over something so small made my body tingle. The excitement only continued when I glanced over and caught him gazing at me. “You’re so pretty right now,” he whispered.
I didn’t mean to ruin the moment, but I couldn’t help myself. “So are you.” I held in my giggles until he’d run toward the bathroom.
“Shit! You made me forget.”
I ran in after him, seeing that he’d need help removing it. Instead of immediately washing off his face, he stood in front of the mirror looking at himself.
I had to look away for a second. Jax was still in the little white shorts, without a shirt. His eyes were done smoky, and I may have put a little too much blush on his cheeks. He appeared hideous.
The expression on his face was priceless when he turned in my direction. “You did this to me.”
I rushed in, still holding in the humor so he wouldn’t get mad. “Okay, okay. I’ll help you get it off. Just don’t look at me.”
“Why?” he asked.
“Because you’re so funny, I can’t stop laughing.”
He closed his eyes and then batted his lashes. “You did this to me,” he repeated.
I located a washcloth and ran warm water over it. Then lightly, I started dabbing his face. We were so close. I could feel his breath on my face while I tried to stay focused on removing the makeup. When it wasn’t working, I pulled out the remover and used it to clean off the rest. “It was all in fun.”
“I should leave. You’re abusing me.”
I could barely catch my breath standing this close to him. “I don’t want you to go.”
He licked his clean, needy lips. “Give me a reason to stay, Amber.”
I looked away. “I want to, but I’m scared, Jax.”
He captured my hands into his. It was so gentle, so kind. For the first time in forever I wasn’t afraid. My trembling hands were from being nervous. This man was breaking my wall, and I was contemplating letting him. “You don’t want me to leave?”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t.”
“Am I crazy for thinking you want to kiss me? I mean, am I being ridiculous, or are you giving me sexy vibes?”
“I’m trying not to.” This was impossible to sort out in my head with him standing so close to me.
“I’m not complaining.”
“Jax, I-.” He put his finger over my lips.
“I’ve got two choices. I can kiss you right now because it’s what I’ve wanted to do since I laid eyes on you, before the strip club, by the way. Or…I can walk away and keep this friendship going, because let’s face it, I don’t have anyone lining up for the title.”
I felt defeated. Thinking it was what I wanted, I’d pushed him to this friend level. Now, of all times, he was respecting my wishes. We stared at each other for a second, until he closed his eyes and looked away, while lightly moving me to the side so he could get by. “I need to go before I change my mind, Amber.”
I followed him into where the clothes dryer was located. He opened the door and pulled out his shirt, slipping it over his head without saying anything. After he had his pants in his hands, he looked down at the white shorts. “If you don’t mind I’m wearing this home, because I’m afraid if I take them off my dick will be so fucking hard my pants won’t go up.”
I tried to smile, but disappointment wouldn’t allow it. “Are you sure?”
He leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. “I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun. Thank you for today, and even last night. It feels good to smile again.”
“What about next weekend? Should we cancel? I mean, you don’t have to feel uncomfortable just for my parents.”
He leaned on the doorframe. “I won’t let you down, Amber. Pretending to be your boyfriend isn’t going to be easy, but that’s what friends are for, right? They do things for each other. I’m trying to be the good guy for once, so let me at least try.”
I nodded. “Okay.” In actuality I wanted to jump up and down. A whole weekend with Jax Mitchell was going to make my trip so much better. He’d keep me smiling, no matter how hard it got. “Thanks.”
Jax brought his hand up to my chin. “I’ll call you this week so we can make arrangements to meet Friday.” He waved as he walked down the stairs in the direction of the parking lot. As soon as he was gone I felt empty.
This wasn’t bad, it was terrible. I liked him more than I should. Hopefully the next week would help me come back down from being on cloud nine, because I was about to run outside and ask him to return, just to be able to feel his lips on mine.
After about ten minutes of pacing around my apartment I decided to call Christian back. I could
n’t sit around pretending that this day hadn’t helped me. Not only had I let a man in my home, but I felt as if I could trust him.
“It’s about time you’re calling me back. What the hell is going on with you? First my cousin is scheming to have this elaborate get-together just so you’d show up, and then he cancels and disappears, only to show up where? At the club?”
“When you put it that way it sounds scandalous.” I tried to laugh it off. “Yeah, he came to the club, but he didn’t pay for a lap dance or even hit on me, not really. I finished my one dance and we went out to eat. After a couple of drinks, he followed me home. It was late, and I let him crash on my couch.”
“Are you crazy? Cousin or not, he’s still practically a stranger.”
“I locked my bedroom door. I took precautions. To be honest, I didn’t feel threatened. Chris, he made me feel safe for the first time. I liked him being here, and if I wasn’t so stupid he still would be.”
I could tell I’d left her speechless when she didn’t respond.
“Chris, nothing happened. We didn’t even kiss. I made boundaries and he respected them. I swear he did.”
“Oh this is worse than I thought. You mean to tell me that my cousin, Jax Mitchell, the womanizer, jock, who is known for sticking his pecker in anything with a vagina, didn’t make a move on you? Is that what you’re saying?”
She wasn’t describing the Jax that was in my apartment. “He didn’t touch me. Not in a sexual way at all. He was a perfect gentleman. We watched movies, and went running. He gave me a pedicure, and let me put makeup on him. He made me laugh, and if it were up to me he would have stayed again.”
“This can’t be happening. You totally like him, don’t you? He’s gotten under your skin.”
“I don’t know. Maybe, I suppose. He’s very funny.”
“So you said. Look, don’t get me wrong. I love my cousin, and he’s been through a lot recently. I don’t want to see either of you hurt. He’s on the rebound, and you’re still struggling to overcome, well I’m not going to say the asshole’s name.”
“Chris, I felt happy today. I didn’t have to get on the stage and pretend to be someone else. When I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror I smiled. Do you know how amazing that was to experience?”
“I do,” she finally agreed.
“Jax is on his way home now. I hope you’re not too hard on him. He didn’t know I’d ask him to join me for dinner. He didn’t invite himself to stay at my house. I did. He’s handsome and kind to me. Right now it’s what I need. We’ve agreed to be friends, and I feel content with that. I think he needs it too.”
“Just promise me that when the real Jax shows up you won’t take it out on me. I don’t want to lose you. I know I have Ethan, but you’ve become a great friend to me. I’d hate to jeopardize that over my cousin thinking with his crooked cock.”
I wanted to ask her if he really had a crooked penis, but figured she’d just get mad I was inquiring.
After we hung up I sat down trying to find flaws with Jax. I think that’s when I realized how bad I had it for him. I’m not talking love, because that’s just silly. I was infatuated with the idea of being infatuated with him, if that made sense. I was interested in him as a person, and the potential of how much fun it would be to have him as a boyfriend.
With the trip home getting closer by the minute, I found myself becoming excited. We wouldn’t have his family breathing down our backs. He wouldn’t be worried about his brother following him around. He’d distract me from the pain I was going to endure while going through my sister’s things, and after I found the courage to tell him about her, he’d be there as a friend to help me cope.
I wasn’t ready to let Jax in all the way. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to tell another man about what happened to me. My sister’s tragedy is one thing, but my sexual assault was another. In order to overcome I had to face my fears. What better way than to find someone who made me feel safe again? Jax gave me hope when I thought there wasn’t any left. That had to count for something.
Chapter 15
Jax
Could’ve.
Should’ve.
Would’ve.
That was how my ride back to the ranch felt. Doing the right thing was supposed to feel rewarding, but for me it lacked sparkle.
Upon arriving home, I was met by my brother in the yard. His arms were crossed and I’d seen his disappointed look a million times. “I came all this way to work things out, and you just leave without a single word.”
I scratched my head and climbed out of the vehicle. Immediately his demeanor changed when he set eyes on my shorts. “What the fuck are those?”
“Don’t knock them until you try them. I’m telling ya, they fit my balls like a damn glove. I may never take them off.”
“I wouldn’t wear those if they were the last article of clothing on the planet. You look ridiculous.”
“Well I feel amazing. I spent the night with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. We watched movies and stuffed ourselves with greasy food. Dude, I’m in serious trouble with this one.”
He flipped his arms in the air. “Oh great. You left me to get laid.”
I put up my finger to halt him. “Actually, we didn’t have sex. In fact, we never kissed. That’s what’s so crazy about it. I had an amazing time without having sex.”
“She must have shut you down. Chris told me Amber was weird about dating.”
I walked past my brother and entered the trailer, hoping he’d at least stay outside so I could have a minute to myself. The sound of his feet let me know he was only a step behind. I turned around to address him. “Look, Jake. I appreciate that you’re trying, but this ain’t working. I have a life here, and I don’t want things to change. Go home and be with Reese. Live your life. Maybe eventually I’ll get over the grudge.”
“I can’t believe you’re still salty over this. It’s been months. You’re the one who got us back together. I’m doing my best here. What more do you want from me, Jax? You’re my brother. I won’t give up.”
“That’s the thing.” I placed my hand on his shoulder. “What I need is for you to give up. You may not want to, but that’s how it has to be, at least for now. Go home and tell mom and dad whatever you want, but I’m not coming home.”
I hit a nerve, and to see him so distraught hurt me. I never saw our lives going in this direction. Jake was always the person I was sure would be in my life. Now, after all that happened, I couldn’t look at him without anger.
“I don’t know what to say,” he choked to get out. “I mean, I wish I could say that it never happened. I wish there was some way to go back and do it all differently.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done, bro. We need this time apart. I need it, because I know if I went home right now I’d hate you more.”
Jake nodded, but refused to look up at me. I knew he was hurt, because I felt the same exact way. Our bond, which should have stood the test of time, was severed, and I couldn’t seem to grasp how it could ever be mended back together. “I reckon I’ll go home in the morning then.”
“I appreciate you coming out, Jake. I get why you did it. I just wish I could feel differently about everything.”
When I walked back to my room I sunk down on the floor and covered my face with my hands. I felt heartless; like I was evil for not being able to see past this rift between us. Jake would never know how much I wished I could walk into the living room and drink a couple brews with him. Had things gone differently, I would have already packed my things and been riding shotgun on the way back to North Carolina. Everything had changed, in the blink of an eye. My ambitions were damaged, and I was left trying to piece together where I belonged, and how the pain would finally stop ripping me to shreds.
For a while I sat there, going through the motions in my head. I pictured Jake going home to Reese, and even though I knew he’d miss me, she’d make him happy. I wanted that for him
. I’d sacrifice my life for my brother, and even though I had regrets, I’d stand by that decision. In all honesty they deserved each other. Reese was never an ideal match for me. After spending one night with Amber I could see that. Reese would have expected me to change. There had to be someone out there in the world that wanted me for the clown I was. I happened to like myself.
The house was quiet for a while. After a shower, I finally turned on my now charged phone. A text message from an unknown number showed up. I opened it and realized right away who it was from.
I had a lot of fun with you last night. Thanks for being so great. – A
Right away my mood changed. She made me feel like a teenager with his first bonor.
I had fun too. Just wait until this weekend. – J
We should talk before then. I’ll need to warn you about a few things. – A
Is there a boyfriend waiting at home? – J
No – A
A girlfriend? – J
I snickered at the thought of that.
Then I got a hair up my ass and decided to call her. My mood had shifted the second I thought of her.
It rang one time and then the most beautiful voice picked up. “You didn’t have to call.” I could tell she was crying.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m okay,” she sniffled. “It’s just life stuff.”
“Like your period?”
“No,” she sort of laughed. “Not that.”
“I’m a good listener.” I didn’t really know if that was true, but I’d give it a try.
“That’s just it, Jax. I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about it. I want to. I just…I don’t think I can.”
Her sadness made me want to drive over there and pull her into my arms. I’d never felt so protective of someone before. “Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to tell me. We’re friends, right?”
“I think so.” The uncertainty in her reply made me feel small and unappreciated.
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