Jax Mitchell

by Jennifer Foor

  I took a deep breath and thought of what I could say to make her feel better. “Are you sad because I took your shorts home with me? I’ll be honest, I don’t think I want to give them back.”

  Her giggles were like an instant high. “You can keep them.”

  “Can friends miss each other?”

  “Why?” She was smiling. Her voice changed to a higher pitch.

  “I was just wondering if you missed me yet?”

  “My mom wants me to come home and help her pack up some of my old things, because they want to move. It’s not just my things though. It’s my sisters; the one that died.”

  “Oh shit. I can see how that would be hard.”

  “Jax,” she started bawling so hard that she couldn’t continue.

  “Please don’t cry. I hate hearing you so sad.”

  When she wouldn’t stop, I knew there was only one thing to do. I jumped off my bed, slipped two shoes on my feet, grabbed my keys and flew out the door. “Shh, try to calm down. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

  “No. Jax, you don’t have to come over. This is silly. I’ll calm down.”

  “I’m already in my car and I’m not turning around. We don’t have to talk about it.”

  “Okay,” her sadness beckoned me as if I was her only hope. I knew the superhero complex was probably all in my head, but I yearned to feel needed. Once I hung up to focus on driving, I drove as fast as possible to get to her house. I didn’t even realize what I was wearing, or lack there of, until I hopped out of the car. In a pair of shorts, no shirt, and two fucking different shoes, I skipped steps to reach her apartment.

  My knuckles hit the metal door twice before it opened. Her puffy eyes were so discerning. I couldn’t resist taking her hand and pulling her into my arms. It felt right, and when she didn’t fight me I only held her tighter. While closing the door with my foot, I felt her arms coming up behind me. Even though I could tell she was glad I’d come back, she still hadn’t let up with the tears. Her sobs made me feel horrible, because I honestly didn’t know what to do. I simply stood there, rubbing her back as some kind of reassurance that she didn’t have to go through it alone.

  After a little while she pulled away and wiped off her face. My naked chest was soaked and I had mascara marked where her face had been.

  Amber gave me a once over and smiled through her pain. “What are you wearing? Oh my god, Jax. Your shoes don’t even match.”

  “I was in a hurry. It broke my little black heart to hear you so upset.”

  “You’re crazy. I would have been okay. You don’t have a black heart, Jax. That’s a little dramatic.”

  I reached for her arm and caught her attention. It was obvious that she was distraught. She was shaking profusely and looked like she’d been crying since I left. “I didn’t just come here for you, Amber. Yeah, I rushed out when I heard how sad you are. It was obvious to me because I was experiencing the same bullshit tonight. I told Jake to leave. He agreed to go home without me. It damn near killed me to look him in the eyes and tell him I couldn’t let go. The way I see it, we need each other. I can stand here and say I’m tough, and that nothing bothers me, but to be perfectly honest, I’m fucking falling apart.”

  “I killed my sister,” she whispered.

  Then the room was silent. She bobbed her head up and down a couple times. “I know, I know it’s horrible, and maybe you’ll hate me too, but it’s true. I did it. I’m the reason she’s gone. I’ve relived that day over and over again, and it never gets easier. They’ll never stop blaming me for taking her away. It’s all my fault Jax, and now I have to go help my mother pack up her stuff and pretend that it’s not the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” She shook her head. “I know you don’t need my drama, and I’ll understand if you don’t want to go with me this weekend, but I needed to tell you. I needed to tell someone. It’s eating me up inside. Even Christian doesn’t know about this. I know I’m rambling, and maybe you weren’t even prepared for what I just laid on you, and I’m sorry, but -.” I put my hand over her mouth. She had to slow down so I could comprehend what the fuck I was hearing. Could this be possible? Did she just say she killed her sibling? I had to have heard her wrong. This kind person couldn’t be capable of something so heinous. “I’m sorry, but could you repeat that?”

  Chapter 16

  Amber

  How could I have assumed that I’d be able to explain things easily? I’d held onto this burden for way too long. Even therapy couldn’t help me cope with sharing such a devastating circumstance. Jax looked to me for an explanation, and I suddenly wondered why I’d brought him, of all people, into my lost past.

  While sniffling, I looked up into his eyes; the eyes of a very confused man. He was holding my hands and I refused to pull away. I needed him, more than I’d needed anyone in a long time. I don’t think it was him, per se, but the idea that he showed up when I desperately needed someone.

  Don’t get me wrong. I liked Jax. He awakened a part of me that had been dormant. In some ways he was like a savior. I know how ridiculous that sounds, especially when he joked about everything. I hadn’t known him long, though our connection was undeniable.

  “Amber, did you hear me?”

  My head moved up and down. “Yes. I did.”

  “You don’t have to tell me. We can forget about it if you want.”

  “No. I need to tell you. I want you to know before we see my parents. I won’t let my mother force you to change your mind about me. She thinks I don’t deserve to be happy. She says that my negligence has prevented me from ever being allowed to enjoy my life.”

  “That’s terrible.” He squeezed my hands, reminding me that he was there, waiting patiently to figure this all out.

  I led him over to the sofa and we sat down together. Jax put his arm on the back of the couch. I pulled my legs up under my butt and focused. “Meg and I used to do everything together. We were nine months apart, both planned. Nothing my parents do is by accident. They strive to live by an organized schedule. First college, then marriage. Next they bought a home, and started a family.” I paused for a moment. “Meg was my very best friend. When we got into high school she would follow me around, mostly to hang out with my older classmates. When I got my license our parents bought me a car. Every weekend we’d go out with our friends. We didn’t get into trouble.” I smiled, thinking back to a time when we let the top down on the convertible, allowing our hair to blow in the crisp breeze. It wasn’t warm, but we didn’t care. “Anyway, one particular night we were meeting up with some of my friends at a nearby lake. I’d lied and told my parents that we were going to a church lockdown right down the road from where we lived. Instead we were supposed to be camping with these two guys we both really liked. Other people were going to be there, but you’ve been in high school. I obviously had a one-track mind when it came to a crush.”

  Jax smiled. “Yeah, I’ve been there plenty of times. There’s this old barn people have been going to for years.”

  “Halfway there my sister got on her phone and started taking pictures of us to post on her profile page. She was making funny faces and acting crazy with excitement about our night. The guy she was going there to meet was a senior. He was well known, and an all around good person. I was delighted for her, and a little apprehensive. Meg was a virgin, and she had made plans to rid herself from that title. When I missed my turn I thought I knew the area enough to pull out my phone and find a easier way to get there. I was plugging in the street address when we hit a sharp curve in the road. Meg didn’t see the truck until it was too late. Headlights were the last thing I remember. We didn’t even have time to scream. Everything went silent.” I began to bawl. It was impossible to be able to comprehend how hard it was to talk about the loss of my sister. “I woke up in the hospital three days later with no recollection of how I’d gotten there. I remember being all alone, wondering where my parents were, especially after a nurse told me how long I’d been sleeping. I asked for
my mother before realizing that Meg was with me, and we’d been in an accident. I could tell from the look on that woman’s face that something terrible had happened to Meg. She refused let her gaze fall on me. That’s when I knew my sister was gone. If I’d only been paying attention. If I’d listened to my parents. If we hadn’t snuck to go out to that lake.” My hands came over my face as I lost it in front of Jax. He was steady rubbing my shoulder, trying to be supportive.

  “Amber, it was an accident.”

  “No!” I shook my head, adamant to not let him sweet talk the event that took my sister’s life. “I wasn’t paying attention. I could have prevented it.”

  “You didn’t mean for it to happen, so that qualifies it as an accident.”

  “I can’t think that way. I took her life. If I weren’t her family my parents would have sued for manslaughter. That day, when they finally came to see me, the day I woke up, was the same day that my sister took her last breath. They had been keeping her on a ventilator, but after three nights they declared her brain dead. My father made the final decision, and I don’t think my mother ever forgave him. She knew Meg was gone, but was clinging to some kind of hope.”

  Jax pulled me up against his chest. I felt his strong arms keeping me in that position. His lips kissed my forehead while I sat there losing control. “Shh, she wouldn’t want you to live with this kind of guilt. Turn the situation around. What if Meg were driving. Would you want her to live a solitary life where she constantly tortured herself?”

  I shrugged but didn’t pull away from him. “I don’t know. The doctors said the same thing. I just don’t know. The fact is that she’s gone. It’s why I want to be a psychiatrist. I feel like if I can help people, maybe it will somehow help me pay for my terrible sins. I put myself in danger at my job, because I feel like I don’t deserve to be safe. I seclude myself from my family, because I can’t look at them without feeling like I ruined their lives. That’s why…” I stopped myself before I said too much. I couldn’t tell Jax about being sexually assaulted. I may have jumped a hurdle by finally opening up about Meg, but that door was closed. Thinking about Seth made me think of my baby that I lost. She was just another reminder of how I didn’t deserve to be happy. I would have named her after my sister, had she been born healthy. She would have given my parents hope again that our family could heal. Instead she was ripped from my womb before I was able to know her. It was a tragedy I recalled vividly.

  “Why what?”

  “Nothing.” I kept my head down against his chest. “It doesn’t matter. Now you know why my mother hates me. You know why I don’t want to go home alone.”

  “You don’t have to, Amber. I’m going with you. I’ll do my best to make you smile, even when you feel like you’re so far down you can’t get back up.”

  “I don’t even deserve your friendship,” I admitted.

  “Don’t say that. I’m an asshole. It’s me who doesn’t deserve a friend like you.”

  Did he not know how amazing he was? What other guy would come running just because they heard me upset? Women cry for ridiculous reasons all the time. Surely he’d heard it enough to know we were dramatic about things. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  “Thanks for trusting me. It means a lot. I don’t know the first thing about being friends with a woman. Usually that comes after the sex part, if it’s good enough to want more.”

  I giggled in between tears. “This is nice, though.”

  “Yeah, it’s nice to feel needed again.”

  I lingered in Jax’s arms for a while without saying anything. Eventually I closed my eyes, feeling safe and comfortable. The next thing I knew I was being carried into my bedroom. He laid me down on the mattress and covered me up, not noticing that I’d woken up. Just as he turned to leave the room I grabbed his hand. Jax twisted back, and faced me in the dim lit room. “You okay?”

  “Don’t go.”

  “I’m not. I’m just going to crash on the couch. If you need me call me.”

  He attempted to walk away, but I wouldn’t release my hold on him. “Please don’t go.”

  “I told you, I’ll be in the other room.”

  “Jax, I don’t want you to sleep in the other room. I want you to stay in here with me. Please, will you hold me?”

  He didn’t hesitate climbing in beside me under the covers. I felt his arms pulling me close, and the heat of his bare chest when I was all the way in his hold. “I finally got you in bed,” he teased.

  “Don’t be poking me with that weapon of yours. I’m liable to scream.”

  He chuckled and it vibrated off his body to mine. “I have little control over the Jaxinator. I’m just warning you now.”

  “The Jaxinator? You’ve got to be kidding me.” I hurt to laugh. My heart was pounding in my head, and felt like at any moment I could vomit. “I don’t even want to know.”

  “It’s not everyday that I’m asked to sleep next to the sexiest woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

  The compliment filled me with warmth. It wasn’t just being told I was attractive. Jax made me feel beautiful. He respected my wishes, which in turn allowed me to appreciate him so much more. This man was going to be the death of me, because every minute I spent with him was making me fall for him harder. My only hope was that he would get out before I ruined his life too. Though I appreciated his friendship, I knew I didn’t deserve it. He needed someone who could give him everything, and I was just a broken mess. There’s no way I could ever allow myself to feel hopeless about someone.

  I needed to be punished, and so I knew I’d spend the rest of my life alone. It was the sad truth to my fate.

  Chapter 17

  Jax

  I didn’t know how it was happening, or even why, but I couldn’t stay away from her, especially now. Her desperate need for support was only giving me more reason to reach out and offer. I didn’t have to look for reasons to be around her when they were piling up without effort. My only regret was not knowing if this new friendship could ever be more.

  As we lay there in each other’s arms, I tried to recall a time when I felt so content being with someone of the opposite sex without knowing I’d be rewarded sexually. I’d been shallow, and selfish my entire life. Now I’d met someone who not only challenged me, but was forcing me to be a better person.

  If that wasn’t enough reason to be crazy about her, our emotional pull was hard to ignore. I didn’t care if we stayed in this position all night. The fact that we were together in the first place was enough for me.

  It boggled my mind. For so long I’d lived in the moment, for myself only. Sure, I’d cared about Reese, but she always gave in when I wanted something. Amber made everything a challenge. She was hard work, and apparently enough to allow me to see that there was so much more to a relationship than something physical.

  Throughout the night she would spontaneously wake me up crying. At one point she apologized and said her time of the month was coming and she knew she was being over-emotional. I didn’t care. Any reason to hold her this way was perfect for me. She could be on the rag three hundred and sixty-five days out of the year and I’d be content with being at her side.

  That’s when I really knew I had it bad. Her beauty had pulled me in, but everything else was begging for me to stay. This type of connection was new. It scared me in some ways, because while I wanted to seem tough and in control, I didn’t know the first thing about what was really going on. I wasn’t even sure if I knew how to have an emotional relationship with a woman.

  I woke up the next day and left for work, after placing a small note next to her bed.

  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t stand there looking at her sleeping for a few moments. She captivated me. Her essence put off pheromones that kept drawing me in closer, hoping to somehow penetrate the defense that was preventing her from seeing what was happening between us. I only wished I knew a way to make her realize without being blatantly obvious about it, and ruining every chance I might or
might not have.

  Since I was late for work on the ranch I had to hear a bunch of shit from Noah, who in turn used Shalan’s pregnancy as an excuse to rip me a new ass. He wanted to know where I’d been, and I couldn’t bring myself to admit it out loud. I feared that if he heard the truth from my mouth he wouldn’t let it go. Since I didn’t know where we stood, I couldn’t exactly explain what was going on between us. All I did know was that in a few days I’d be spending a whole weekend with her. Even if I was only pretending to be her boyfriend in front of her parents, I knew it gave me a chance to maybe show her that we could be so much more if she only let it happen.

  All day long I thought about her, to the point where I almost cut my arm off twice. Noah had been chopping down branches, and while I stared out into the distance imagining her creamy skin, the chainsaw slipped and almost hit my skin. It was so close that it touched the hairs on my arms.

  After that I tried my hardest to stay focused.

  By lunchtime I decided to head to my place and get something to eat. On the table, where I’d be sure to see, was a note from my brother. I’d recognize his chicken scratch anywhere.

  I tossed the message down and walked to the refrigerator to get a beer. After checking every part of it twice, I realized I was out. Feeling defeated, I called Amber, hoping that her voice would cheer me up.

  When she answered I heard the sound of loud music playing and realized she was at work. For some reason that bugged me. It was her job and she was good at it, but I was overwhelmed with terrible thoughts.

  “Jax, are you there?”

  “Yeah. I didn’t know you had to work today.” We hadn’t talked about it, because I was too busy trying to console her.

  She sounded like she didn’t like the place. It wasn’t my business to enquire about it, even if the image of a bunch of perverts watching her was burning a hole in my brain. I could only hope they weren’t paying for private dances in the back booth. The idea made my blood boil.