Promise of Redemption

by Ellie St. Clair

  No, it was worse than that. For rather than simply ignore her, he had spoken to her words that had cut her to the core. She thought back to the first time they had talked, when he had told her that now he understood why she was unmarried. It seemed her father was right. Her bluestocking ways, her practicality, her penchant for saying what needed to be said in order to come to the reality of the situation — it was more than a man could handle in a wife.

  She allowed herself this moment of weakness, this sorrow at her situation and what the rest of her life was going to apparently become. She wasn’t sure how long she sat there with tears falling down her face until finally she stood up, wiped her face on her beautiful white glove as she could find nothing else, and looked bleakly around her. This was her home now. This was her life. And she wasn’t going to let a man who refused to allow her entry into his heart or soul to darken the rest of her days. She would find her own happiness. With new resolve, she set her shoulders, wrenched open the door, and marched out to face whatever was waiting for her.

  12

  He never came.

  Christina had spent the rest of the day acquainting herself with her new home. Despite the fact that Daniel had told her he meant to be away from here as soon as possible, she knew that in all likelihood they would require a London residence. She could tell the house had been decorated rather quickly, and there were some changes she would like to make, but they could wait for another day.

  More importantly, she tried to better get to know the staff who greeted her. Besides the butler and the valet, most were newly hired and therefore had no allegiance to Daniel nor to the family. It was up to her to ensure they were properly treated and trained. Having run her family’s home in the country for years now, she had no problem with this, and she set about things quickly. Her lady’s maid had accompanied her, thankfully, which meant that Christina needn’t bother herself with unpacking her own essentials, and before long she was satisfied that all was in order.

  She changed from her beautiful gown into a blue day dress that was much more comfortable. She vowed she would find an occasion to wear the fine, expensive dress once again — hopefully at an event that proved to be much happier than the one she’d worn it at this morning.

  The manor wasn’t particularly ornate, which suited her. The aesthetics were lovely, of course, but what was more important was that the home flowed — that there was an ease in which the servants could move from one room to another, from the kitchen to the dining room without the food becoming cold, and that it wasn’t far for guests to travel from dinner to the drawing room.

  For that, Christina applauded the architect of the home.

  While she was pleased when she had found things to be in order, the lingering unease in the pit of her stomach remained. She wondered when she would see Daniel, whether he would have cooled some from their heated exchange. Would he apologize? Would he realize she was only trying to help him live a life that had some brightness, some joy?

  And tonight — would he come to her bed? As much as she dreaded seeing him again and was nervous about the marriage act, when she thought of their previous kiss, of the time they had touched before … a tingle of desire coursed through her, one she cursed as a betrayal of her body. She should hate Daniel for what he’d said to her, and yet she had seen moments of who he was, who he had been underneath the layers of pain, vengeance, and anger that he had cloaked himself with in order to keep everyone out. She wanted to peel back those layers, to find the man underneath.

  Daniel had not appeared at supper. His butler told her he had gone out, for what reason he’d never revealed. She tried not to think of where her husband might have been. She hoped it was to do the work he told her of and refused to think he might be at a gentlemen’s club or some other establishment. She didn’t begrudge his time away — she only wished he would share with her what he was doing, for perhaps she could help in some way. His work seemed valuable, though she questioned some of his … methods.

  Well, she thought as she prepared for bed, he had to come home at some point, and she assumed he would want his wedding night, to consummate this marriage. If nothing else, he had certainly expressed his desire for an heir. She had changed into her practical nightgown, had sat on the edge of the bed and waited for him.

  Until eventually she grew too tired, and climbed underneath the covers of her new bed, finally falling into a fitful sleep.

  Daniel finished his tour of the house that Hudson had found, the one that was to shelter additional women and children who needed his help. Satisfied, he turned on his heel and exited, his friend following close behind.

  “Ravenhall,” Hudson began, but before he could say anything, Daniel raised his hand.

  “Do not say what I think you are going to say, Hudson,” he said, fixing a scowl on his friend before continuing down the stairs.

  “Why, because you know very well yourself where you ought to be at this moment?” Hudson asked, his eyebrows raised. “You have a very lovely bride waiting for you at home on your wedding night, and here you are, with me, in an abandoned house. I’m not sure what that says about you, Ravenhall, but I question your choice.”

  Daniel gave a slight growl before hauling himself up into his coach. “Never fear, Hudson, I am returning home now.”

  “And what was that earlier at the wedding breakfast? Why, you stormed out of there so fast I thought your coat was on fire. I feared your mother was going to have an apoplexy. It is not as though we expect impeccable social graces from you any longer, but I had thought at the very least you would have more respect for your mother and fath—”

  “I said enough!” Daniel ground out, but Hudson was not affected. He simply shook his head at him, further angering Daniel.

  “I know there is nothing you will do to me, Ravenhall,” he said. “You are angry only because I speak the truth — a truth that you know well inside you, although you are loathe to admit it. Is this how your Miss Churston would have wanted you to live the rest of your life?”

  Daniel was silent for a moment as he contemplated Hudson’s question. The truth was, he wasn’t entirely sure how Laura Churston would want him to live his life. He had thought he loved her, and he was attracted to her sweet beauty, her quiet charm, and her grace, but as Christina and now Hudson were questioning him all the more about his past, he was beginning to realize that he hadn’t actually known her quite as well as he thought he had.

  It was part of the reason why he’d stormed out following Polly’s storytelling, why he had become so very angry with Christina. The feelings he had thought for so long he felt for Laura were beginning to fade. The anger and hatred had consumed him so that he had forgotten what it felt like to be happy. And to let go of that, to forget her, made him feel like he was tarnishing her memory, was doing nothing to avenge her death, a death that he, indirectly, had caused.

  “I don’t know Hudson,” he finally said. “I just do not know.”

  After bidding farewell to Hudson and entering his own home, Daniel slowly walked down the corridor and stopped in front of what he knew to be Christina’s room. He paused for a moment outside the door, raising his hand — whether to knock or open it, he wasn’t sure — but he stopped himself. He couldn’t go to her, not like this. It wasn’t fair to her, nor to himself. So instead, he continued down the hall, entered his rooms, poured a brandy, and sat there in silence, staring at the flames that licked at the grate in front of him.

  13

  One month later

  “Daniel?”

  Daniel held his breath as Christina walked into the study, for he found her presence to suddenly overwhelm the room.

  “Yes?” he murmured, shuffling about some papers on his desk as he tried to ignore the way his heart had quickened its pace. “Is something wrong, Lady Christina?”

  There was a short pause. “No, Daniel, there is nothing wrong. I was just wondering if, perhaps, you would wish to walk with me this afternoon?”

  Da
niel shook his head firmly, thinking to himself that the last thing he wanted was to be out with his wife so that all of society could see them. It had been a month since they had been married, a month which involved them basically ignoring one another. They often had supper together or occupied the same room, but they spoke primarily out of politeness. He knew this was of his own doing. He had said things to her that were unpardonable, for which he didn’t know how to go about asking her forgiveness. For while he knew he had been in error, he also knew that he was not going to change his mind. He would continue his work, continue his search for Northcliffe. If he did not, he didn’t think he could live with himself.

  “No, I don’t think I have time for a walk today,” he said, not looking at her. “I have a great deal of business to attend to.”

  She did not say anything for a moment, and Daniel wondered whether or not she was about to grow angry with him, but instead of becoming upset, she simply sighed. Her eyes met his as he raised them but he looked away at once, hating the sadness written in her expression. It was not his fault that she was so lonely. This was, after all, what they had agreed to. And yet … her quiet presence, her practical manner, the way in which she seemed to make everything flow so effortlessly around her, drew him to her in a way he couldn’t entirely explain.

  “Might I inquire what it is you are doing?” Christina asked softly, coming a little closer to his desk, and the fresh, clean scent of the lavender soap he knew she used swirl about him. “Is it about Lord Northcliffe?”

  Daniel sat back in his chair, looking up at her, trying not to be affected at her nearness. “No, Lady Christina, it is not about Lord Northcliffe. I have not seen the man for some time which perhaps means he has left London.”

  “But you intend to pursue him regardless?”

  A wave of irritation crashed over him as he saw the questions in her eyes. This had nothing to do with his wife, even though she clearly wanted to be involved. This was his battle, his revenge to take. It was best that she kept to herself and left him to do whatever it was he intended.

  “Lady Christina, please allow me to work things out for myself, as regards Lord Northcliffe,” he said firmly, ignoring the way she frowned as he spoke, at the disappointment that flashed in her eyes. “This is not a matter with which you need to concern yourself.”

  “You are my husband now, Daniel,” she replied, her lips thinning, as clearly, her patience was beginning to wane. “I have every right to ask you what it is you are doing and to offer you my aid.”

  “And I have every right to refuse it, as I always will,” Daniel said quickly, wanting to keep the distance between the two of them. “I hope you have not forgotten the agreement we made when we entered this marriage, Lady Christina. I would not want you to be under the illusion that I intend to share my life with you.”

  She flinched as though he had struck her, and when something flickered in her gray eyes, he pushed away the rifling in his gut. This was what they’d agreed to and, even though they’d been married now for over a month, he had no intention of changing his ways. All in all, he’d made very few changes to his life, and while Christina now resided with him, she lived her life, and he lived his.

  Daniel did not want to allow any feelings to continue growing for his wife, which meant that the less he saw of her, the better. If she were not in his company, then he would not have to battle the unwanted, unwelcome feelings that had been rising of late. Although he sorely wished her eyes were not such an unusual shade, that they were not so mesmerizing.

  He had always thought, since their first meeting, that Christina was not a particular beauty but, ever since the day he’d seen her step into the church in her wedding finery, he’d struggled not to think of her subdued beauty during quiet moments — and he hated that weakness within him.

  “I understand, Daniel,” Christina said, slowly, her eyes searching his own as her anger seemed to fade away, replaced with a deep sadness that Daniel knew he was responsible for. “I just wondered if we ought to be seen by the ton since we have not been out together yet.”

  He shrugged. “I care very little for the ton and what they think, Lady Christina,” he replied, turning his head away from her so that he could pick up one of the many sheets of paper on his desk, letting his eyes fall on the words but not managing to read it while Christina was in the room with him, distracting him. “Besides, I am sure they will believe us to be enjoying one another’s company, if you get my meaning.”

  He hated the heat that climbed up his spine and rushed into his neck and face as he spoke. He had intended to be matter of fact but now, it appeared, he was embarrassed to be mentioning such a thing to his wife. Slowly, he let his gaze slide from the paper up toward her, only to see that she had dropped her eyes to the carpet, her cheeks a dark pink. Perhaps this would be the end of the matter. Perhaps he had embarrassed her enough that she might take her leave of his company. He could only hope. Alas, Christina was a straightforward sort of woman.

  “And when are you going to enjoy my company, Daniel?”

  Her quiet words stunned him, the paper sliding from his fingers as he stared at her in shock.

  “I have been waiting for you,” she said, frankly. “It has been weeks and you have still not come to consummate our marriage.”

  Daniel felt his mouth go dry as he stared at his wife, seeing the steadiness in her gaze as she spoke. He certainly had never expected her to discuss this with him, and he wasn’t quite sure what to make of it or how to respond.

  “I want you to come to my bed, Daniel — or, if you wish, I will come to yours, you need only ask me.”

  “Why?”

  His voice was hoarse, his palms growing sweaty as he pressed them together under the table. The thought of having Christina in his bed had, of course, occurred to him more than once. He had wanted to go to her, had found himself thinking of her, desiring her, but he had never acted on those thoughts. It would be wrong, he’d told himself, for he was beginning to feel something for her, something he didn’t want to admit. To love her physically would not only draw her closer, but it could push Laura out of his heart entirely.

  Recently his thoughts of her were slowly fading. A couple of days would go by and he’d be sitting by the fire, drinking brandy, only to realize that he couldn’t remember her face anymore and that he’d not had a single thought about her in as many days.

  Shame burned through him.

  “We are husband and wife,” Christina began, spreading her hands as though this ought to be a simple matter for him to understand. “It is something I expect and something I believe you confirmed to me would occur should we marry. How else are you to beget an heir?” She looked at him carefully, her eyes narrowing just a little. “Is there something wrong with me?”

  “No, no,” Daniel exclaimed, his gaze traveling down the length of his wife, taking in her gentle curves and finding himself wondering what she would feel like underneath his hands. “No, it is not you. It is just that I have not wanted to …importune you.”

  Even as he made his excuse, Daniel knew it was a poor one and, from the look in Christina’s eyes, she knew it was a lie.

  “Whatever your reason, Daniel, I would like to have this marriage consummated, so that there can be nothing to separate us. I would … I would like to bear a child.” She gave him a small, shy, imploring smile, her cheeks still reddening as she spoke. “I thought that, perhaps if we spent a little more time together, got to know one another a bit better, you might be more willing to come to my bed.”

  The hope in her expression poured guilt onto him in waves. He had neglected her in so many ways but even still, the thought of going to her, to make love to her, terrified him. He didn’t want to feel anything for her, didn’t want to forget Laura or to open himself up to the risk of losing someone he loved again. And yet, she was right in that it was his duty to consummate this marriage and to hopefully conceive an heir.

  He hated the desire that began to pool in him
as Christina looked at him with those gentle gray eyes of hers, a few tendrils of her fair hair whisping around her temples as she studied him.

  “Y-yes, well,” he stammered, clearing his throat. “I will certainly think about it.”

  It was clearly not the answer she’d been hoping for, and the light in her eyes faded to nothing.

  “If you will excuse me,” Daniel muttered, leaning forward over his papers and knowing full well that he was pushing her away. “I am sure we can talk another time about these matters, Lady Christina.”

  “Very well, Daniel,” she murmured, turning away from him and making her way toward the door. “As you wish it.”

  “Enjoy your stroll.”

  She paused. “I will, thank you. And, Daniel…”

  There was a pronounced silence and, despite his determination not to do so, Daniel looked up at his bride. She was standing at the door, one hand on the handle and the other loose by her side. There was something like pain burning in her eyes, but also a glint of determination. There was no smile on her lips as she looked at him steadily.

  “You are my husband, Daniel. I will be ‘Christina’ to you, not ‘Lady Christina.’ It is much too formal and certainly not something that I will tolerate any longer. You are trying to keep me at arm’s length, I know, but there is no need for such formality.”

  It was not a question but a statement, and Daniel found himself staring after his wife as the door closed behind her. She knew what he was doing, knew full well that he did not want her company nor her support in his endeavors, and yet she was bearing it with good grace, and quite fairly pushing him for more.