Owning Regina: Diary of my unxpected passion for another woman

by Lorelei Elstrom

  I was bullshitting her about leaving her alone. But she probably thinks I really left for her house. Each minute to her must have felt like an eternity. Every heavy truck that rumbled by or vibration of the elevator must be a big event when all other senses are removed. She may be completely stressed about if I am ever going to return at all.

  The contrast of being relaxed in my chair while she strained to get through each minute was particularly erotic to me. I started to play with myself as I thought of her stuck up there. Strangely, I wanted to feel a bit of what she was feeling. I grabbed a clothesline rope from the garage, lied down on the floor and crossed my legs like hers, and then tied them extremely tightly together.

  I was pretending I was her. I was trying to be in her head as I massaged my vulva and clitoris. It was a vicarious torture. I rubbed and thrust into my hands. I was fully excited, dripping, and tingling with excitement over my whole body. My legs felt like Regina’s. With one hand, I played with my breasts while escalating my pleasure to mind-shaking rapture. I exploded in ecstasy, trying to refrain from being too loud. It was Regina’s orgasm I was feeling. I was her. She was mine. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

  It seemed like a good idea to take a peek at my little slave. I went upstairs and quietly peered in. To my surprise, she seemed to be asleep; her breathing was different and she was completely still. I could tell she was not in peril. Can you imagine how shocking it would be when she awakens to rediscover that she is completely chained and immobile? Sometimes that happens when I sleep with my feet bound; I forget while I’m asleep. Then when I awaken to rediscover it, my heart races and I jump straight into being fully turned on in an instant.

  One of these days I’m going to chain her up like that and wait as long as it takes for her to wake up. The second I sense she is realizing she is helplessly bound, I will shove a giant dildo in her mouth and ram it as far in as I can. Imagine waking up to that!! But that was for another time. I decided to go back down stairs, enjoy my wine and spend a good long while writing here to you, my dear Diary.

  It’s therapeutic to share with you, Diary. What started as a move to vent angrily about Boyfriend X has morphed into an unlikely love story. It has morphed into a wonderful exploration of my real self that was never able to have a truthful voice in the past. Thank you, Diary.

  Never has my sexual orientation been so guilt-free. Until now, my kink was to be hidden and shamed. In our culture, BDSM people are stigmatized to a high level. It is usually expressed in media and television as goofy and clown-like. We’ve all seen the countless clichés of a black vinyl clad dominatrix comically whipping a male slave who usually has on a diaper or a dress and gaudy makeup. Or she whips the backside of an unattractive male slave who is strapped spread-eagled to a wall of a cheesy dungeon featuring garish red lighting. Why are the slaves always portrayed as unattractive buffoons? Why do all the dominatrices wield a bullwhip and smile crazily while pretending to whip a guy? A real bullwhip would immediately cause blood and irreparable damage in the hands of a novice. So the “clown” is one shaming version of S&M.

  The other version is on the news: “Police discovered the kidnapped victim was held captive in a makeshift dungeon where there were implements of torture.” People tend to associate the real S&M with violent and nonconsensual abuse. That’s like thinking that making love is the same thing as rape; it is the same exact act. What difference does consent make? The shame of being kinky was always heavy for me.

  Like being gay, many people think it is merely a choice. Sure, there may be cases of homosexuality arising out of circumstance or exposure, but ninety percent of sexuality is proven to be determined way before any choice is presented.

  For example, it is not a choice to like chocolate. There is never a date when someone approaches with a Godiva bar and says, “You must now choose to like this or not to like it.” Straight people never have to make a choice to be straight. Kinky people never make the choice to be kinky. But the shame is overpowering.

  There is also inherent shame in hurting or degrading another human. In real life, I could never hurt a fly. I could never see myself abusing legitimate power over someone else. It would disgust me to the highest degree. The worst is when you hear about cops who cross the line and abuse their power of authority. It really repulses me to see cops hassling people for minor or nonexistent infractions. Police brutality or abuse is sickening.

  All these feelings need to be understood and reconciled somehow with my sexuality. That’s why it works best to have the role-playing game for a lot of kinky people. It is a way to set clear boundaries about real world versus play world experiences. Think of the actor analogy. In a movie or TV show, there is the time on the set and the time off the set. Each personality is a one hundred percent different mindset. As I have seen on the shoots for my production company, an actor can literally be irate or cry in the scene, feeling each emotion deeply. But when the shoot is wrapped, they are a different person entirely. Yet each mode carries its own set of emotions and rules.

  During a scene, the make-believe emotions can be every bit as real as the stresses found in real life, even though they are manufactured for the sake of the film. And that’s the same for the S&M game too. For once in my life I am able to get on the movie set and be a fucked up bitch without somebody being hurt in real life. I scream. I can look down my nose at someone. Once the director calls “cut,” I’m back in a different world. Nobody will judge me for being aggressive on the movie set. No feelings are hurt in real life.

  After having written quite a while, I wanted to check on Regina again. Plus, I was pooped and wanted to go to bed. It had been a fantastically full day. I thought maybe I would grab my pillow and sleep on the couch so that Regina would think I was still away for the night.

  But when I got upstairs to check on her, Regina was squirming and violently thrashing about trying to get free. She looked in distress and I was immediately concerned on a high level. When I put my hand on her chest to let her know I was there to help her, she jumped with a major start!! I’m positive she thought I was nowhere in the house. So imagine if you think that and then all of the sudden a warm hand touches you out of the blue. I quickly removed her gag and pulled off the opera headphones. The second she was ungagged, she started blabbering in a frenetic desperation, “I love you. Thank you. I love you. Thank you. Thank you.” I wanted to leave her blindfold on until I figured out what was going on with her. I needed to take her back to reality slowly. We had the following exchange:

  ME

  Hey. Hey, babe. You’re ok now. I’m here. Everything’s ok.

  REGINA

  Thank, you Mistress. I’m so sorry to make you come back.

  ME

  Huh?

  REGINA

  You saw me squirming on the webcam and got concerned.

  ME

  Tell me what’s going on with you?

  REGINA

  I’m sorry, Mistress, but I can’t take anymore punishment. This is a very uncomfortable position and I really need to stretch my legs out. I just can’t take it anymore.

  ME

  I have to leave now. Your dear friend Meg is going to take good care of you. I love you, slave.

  REGINA

  Thank you, Mistress. Thank you for punishing me as I deserved. I will always love you. Will you please kiss me, Mistress?

  I leaned over and softly kissed her a long and gentle kiss. She relaxed in the kiss and gave her whole body over to a sigh.

  ME

  That was some kind of crazy day I had.

  After a moment of letting her digest the transition, I came back as Meg with:

  ME

  Wow. Looks like you are in quite a fix for some reason. Let me figure out how to get these chains off you so you can stretch your legs out.

  I began unchaining her and taking off the handcuffs.

  REGINA

  Meg! Thank God you’re here! I was almost

  go
ing to lose my freaking mind! That was impossibly uncomfortable after about two hours. I started getting really scared. I thought you wouldn’t come back for several more hours and I went into panic mode.

  ME

  Baby, it’s ok. I’m here.

  Once she was unrestrained, she stretched out with all her length. I lied down next to her and took off her blindfold. There she was staring at me with trust in her eyes. We kissed softly and hugged and caressed away the bondage stress. She started to cry quietly. The conversation continued:

  ME

  Can you share with me what you’re feeling? Did I cross the line by leaving you so long?

  REGINA

  (Between crying)

  No. No. It’s was insane! I mean, “insane” amazing. I think this is just a reaction of relief. It was really hard to be left like that. I was afraid being alone.

  ME

  Yeah, I never should have done that.

  REGINA

  No, I liked it. I’m serious. Being that helpless and under your complete control… being at your complete mercy… was the hottest thing in the world!! Even though I was scared, I wanted to be tortured by you.

  ME

  You mean, by your Mistress.

  REGINA

  Yes, by the Mistress.

  ME

  I kind of freaked out when I saw you in such distress. Do you feel ok about me?

  REGINA

  Meg, this is the most exciting time in my life.

  ME

  Me too. I lose myself in the game with you. I literally want to hurt you and piss on you.

  Regina broke into a laugh

  REGINA

  We are so kinky! It feels amazing!

  But if you ever make me listen to that opera music again for hours on end, I will fucking kill you!! Oh my God, I thought my head was going to explode!

  We laughed for a moment and then she continued:

  REGINA

  Did you really go to my house?

  ME

  Maybe you should ask your Mistress friend.

  REGINA

  No, it would probably piss her off and I would get in trouble.

  ME

  Judging from the way I found you just now, I don’t think it would be too wise to piss off your Mistress.

  REGINA

  Can we sleep in your bed together?

  ME

  Under two conditions: One, you don’t try to take advantage of me… and two, take off those damn boots. You’ll get dirt all over my sheets for Chistsake. Why are you always in boots anyway? It’s almost like you have some kind of fetish.

  REGINA

  (Laughing)

  Fuck you! You need a spanking now!!

  And she lunged for me and tried her best to give me a playful spanking. We were both laughing so hard as she was chasing me around. Finally, I threw myself over her lap and stuck my ass up for fun. She started swatting it in a crazy, silly way. I was pretend screaming. She started seriously getting into it and her laughing subsided. The spanking was actually starting to feel good.

  REGINA

  Now who’s your daddy, bitch?

  She started laughing again as she was delighted to be spanking me. But from inside me came:

  ME

  Can you believe how blue the sky is today?

  REGINA

  (Still laughing)

  What the fuck? You can’t take a little spanking and have to call for backup?

  Jumping with both feet into the Mistress character, I turned the tables on her, jumping on top of her, and starting to choke her with both hands with:

  ME

  Don’t you ever disrespect me again by not recognizing my arrival with a proper greeting. Understand????!!

  Her smile shut off and she became slave Regina, fear in her eyes.

  REGINA

  Please, Mistress. I beg your forgiveness. It won’t happen again.

  ME

  Close your eyes.

  She closed them and waited for something, a command or a slap. After a hefty pause, I told her:

  ME

  That was some kind of crazy day I had.

  I could see her let out a sigh of relief. I think she had already been through too much during the evening to endure another session from the mean mistress lady.

  I asked her to open her eyes. When she did, I was lovingly gazing at her. We kissed and hugged tenderly. Then we brushed our teeth, washed our faces, and settled into bed next to each other. We were completely nude. She spooned me. I will never forget the feeling of her bare breasts on my back. They were warm and soft and they felt like love itself. If love could be physically present, it would be in the form of her breasts pressed against my back in the sheets. I reached over to her bum and softly stroked it over and over. We were together in a way I have never felt before. We were sexual, dangerous, friendly, trusting, and loving. It was like all my life of dating and experiencing others was designed to clarify that Regina and I were made for each other. Kinky little troublemaker.

  --- SATURDAY MARCH 31 --- Balance of worlds

  Last night, after Regina spooned me in bed, we were both asleep within 2 minutes and never woke up until morning. It had been a stellar day together and sleeping never felt so natural. The sleep really did its job. I woke up first and quietly started writing here about yesterday while it was still fresh in my head. After a while, Regina awoke and ambled downstairs to see me. We both stared at each other in a warm buzz. It turned in to a giggle, drawn from all the crazy feelings we had both been having. When she laughed, her nose crinkled in the cutest way possible. We both felt entirely refreshed and anew.

  We decided to go out for a morning-after-fuck coffee. That’s when lovers and one-night standers hit the café to relish the night before and get reacquainted in the daylight (usually in the same clothes as the night before). You know, two people with bedheads radiating afterglow towards each other.

  I asked her as myself (not as the mistress) if she would wear my thigh high boots and a casual solid olive dress from my closet. She loved the idea and immediately got changed into it, looking like a Seattle vibe, kind of grungy and cool, but feminine. The thigh boots were a great accent, sexual but not sexy or clubby. They had a rounded toe and a heavier heel. (I generally hate stilettos because they always seem like trying too hard). The dress just barely covered the top of her boots, such that if she sat down and crossed her legs, the dress hemline would rise up just enough to reveal a slash of her buttery skin between the boots and the dress. The outfit gave her the look of a Paris model on her day off.

  As for me, I wore the same jeans and black top as last night, but instead of the flats, I tucked my jeans into our brick boots. And to tie both our outfits together, I came up with the ultimate accessory: Her Vespa! Imagine two cool girls zipping around San Francisco in high boots on an electric Vespa! It’s the photograph in Vanity Fair or Interview Magazine that we all want to be in. And now it was happening. When we got to her bike, she looked every bit as cool in real life as the picture was in my mind’s eye. I got on the back of her bike and held her tight around the waist to complete the image.

  We were going to hit Rose’s café on Union St. But once we started zipping around the city, by the time we got there, we didn’t want to stop riding so soon. We were having a blast and being all goofy together. We decided to cruise the city for a while.

  For kicks, we asked a few tourists where the Golden Gate Bridge was. We made faces to kids in car seats to crack them up, switching to a normal face when the parents would turn toward us. We got a few odd looks from people too. Maybe they thought we were best friends zipping to an acting class. I wondered if anyone thought we were, in fact, a couple.

  When people see two women riding a motorcycle together, or holding hands for that matter, they generally think that the two women are best friends out having a fun time together. I doubt “lesbian” comes to mind right away. Even for me… wh
enever I would see two women out having a happy time together with a little physical contact, I would never think that there is more to the story. But that was before I met Regina!

  Now, when I look around at paired girls in the city, I run scenarios in my head; Does that little one lick the bigger one’s pussy while she is handcuffed and gagged? Are they straight like me and got hit with the love bug that suddenly turned them gay? Do they like it rough and nasty? Do their parents know about them?

  As of today, it has been exactly one month to the day that Boyfriend X stood me up on my birthday. Fucker. It has been one month since I learned that I meant nothing to that self-absorbed douche who never got turned on by me. It was strange because wherever I went, guys would always flirt with me and light up when I walked into a room. Then once they started talking to me, understood that I have a career, understood that I make money, understood that I have a brain, my appearance suddenly seemed to dip on their rating scale. Sexy and feminine is hot… unless the woman is independent, enthusiastic, and thriving. Then she’s just a plain threat to the penis.

  With BX, I never felt beautiful or desired. In a relationship, that sort of apathy toward a woman makes her play all kinds of mind games with herself. Am I ugly? Does he want someone younger? Do I have some lines or cellulite that turns him off? Do I deserve a guy less handsome that is more of a match for my appearance? Am I dating out of my range?

  Cut to Regina! She adores me and worships me. Well, maybe she adores me and worships her bitchy mistress. It is the exact opposite of BX’s apathy. It is full-pathy! Suddenly I feel beautiful again. I feel sexy and self-assured. One month ago my self-esteem was in the toilet. I doubted myself in a terrible way. The only partial remedy was to throw myself at my work and fill up every dark place with compliments from my co-workers and bonus paychecks from my inspired account handling.

  Now I’m a different person. My whole life is glowing! When I look in the mirror, I still see my flaws, but I see a face that somebody loves and wants. My imperfections become part of the rich experience of Meg, instead of shameful reminders of her inadequacies. Regina makes me love myself.