Apocalypse Next Tuesday

by Safier, David; Parnfors, Hilary;

‘It means, “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?”’ Joshua said quietly.

  ‘That… that… sounds sad,’ I said.

  ‘I shouted it on the cross, just before I died.’ His eyes were now filled with pain.

  In this moment I felt sorry for him again. Immensely sorry. So much that I once again stretched out my hand to touch his. But this time he did not immediately pull back. I carefully touched his hand. He still didn’t pull back. Then I clasped it. Tightly.

  So we sat there – Joshua and I – hand in hand on the pier, without saying a word, watching the sun rise over the lake.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  A couple of hours earlier…

  For the first time in ages, Satan felt a fire burning within him. The final battle would now finally begin. Existence suddenly made sense again.

  He decided to start by recruiting those people on whom he could confer supernatural powers, so that they would become his Horsemen of the Apocalypse. For the first horseman, ‘War’, the forty-third president of the United States was at the top of the list of candidates. He was currently bored to tears in his holiday home in Kennebunkport. For the second horseman, ‘Pestilence’, he had a cardinal who told Africans that it was a great idea not to use condoms. And for ‘Famine’, Satan had selected that supermodel who presents that show for aspiring models and tells skinny girls that they are flabby monsters.

  The fourth horseman, ‘Death’, did not need to be recruited. He’d been working on earth since the beginning of time. Satan decided to wait as long as possible before looking him up. He was the only being other than God whom he did not like to meet in the dark.

  But he was still not entirely satisfied with his candidate list for the first three horsemen. He needed the best companions to be able to win against God. This time it was essential, since it was going to be the final battle for the fate of humanity. And Satan was the underdog. The Almighty had always been a whisker (metaphorically speaking of course) ahead of him. Pensively he sat down on a bench by the lake, next to a woman who was drawing.

  ‘You’re blocking my light,’ the woman complained.

  He engaged his George Clooney smile. ‘But I’m George Clooney.’

  ‘You’re quite similar, be happy about that. But don’t get too excited,’ she replied. ‘Anyway, I’m a lesbian.’

  Then she told him to get lost.

  Satan had always had a thing for strong-willed women. He particularly enjoyed breaking their will. Of course he knew that it was because of his envy. Yes, he envied people’s free will. What wouldn’t he do, to have this himself? He would then give the key to hell to some lowly demon and make himself comfortable on a tropical desert island, without having to be annoyed by people’s thoughts, desires or sins. He would never again have to listen to strange sexual fantasies that people were willing to sell their souls for… That really would be paradise.

  He called himself to order. He urgently needed to stop dreaming. After all, he had no free will and had to fulfil his destiny, and for that he needed to gather the troops for the final battle. Then his gaze fell on the woman’s sketchbook, and he saw that she was drawing a comic strip.

  It seemed that she had similar feelings about God as Satan did himself. He looked at her more closely and saw the tumour in her head – a disease that he hadn’t thought of, would never have thought of, and hadn’t really ever understood. Maybe Death had been involved. That guy was seriously unpleasant.

  One thing was certain though. This strong-willed woman didn’t have long to live. No more than a month or two.

  And she was filled with anger towards God. What a great candidate for Pestilence.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  As we sat hand in hand on the pier, and the first rays of sunshine shone down on us, I felt close to Joshua. Joshua. Not Jesus.

  As Joshua was gripping my hand, both tightly and gently, it seemed as though – this much I dare to hope – he felt the same.

  Here and now, during the sunrise at the lake in Malente, we were just Marie and Joshua. Not M.O.N.S.T.E.R. and Messiah.

  But I had an extraordinary talent for destroying special moments, no matter how lovely. Because when something was lovely, I wanted it to last forever. As that’s impossible (at some point we all have to go to the loo), I wanted lovely experiences to be repeated over and again.

  ‘Do you think that we can have another lovely evening like this together?’ I asked cheerily.

  Joshua looked at me with sadness in his eyes. What was wrong? Was the Son of God not allowed to be together with a mortal woman? Had we done something that was forbidden? Why didn’t I have an inbuilt gag that would stop me from talking every time I was about to ask something stupid?

  ‘It really was a wonderful evening.’

  He had a nice evening too! No, a wonderful evening!

  ‘But unfortunately we will not be able to experience another one together.’

  That cut me to the quick. ‘B– but why not?’ I asked wistfully.

  ‘Because I have a task that I need to complete.’

  He didn’t sound very happy about it. And I was confused. A task? Wasn’t he just on a little holiday from heaven?

  ‘What kind of a task?’ I wanted to know.

  ‘Haven’t you read the Bible?’ he asked looking surprised.

  ‘Yes, yes, sure, of course…’ I stammered. I didn’t dare to tell him that I had no idea that I felt that it needed a stylistic update.

  ‘Then you’ll know why I am walking the earth.’

  He pulled his hand away. I felt a twinge in my heart. Then he took his shoes and got up. ‘Farewell, Marie.’

  ‘Farewell? Are we… never going to see each other again?’ I asked. This was getting harsher and harsher.

  Instead of giving me a straight answer to my question, Joshua said something truly wonderful. ‘You have given me a lot.’

  I had given him a lot? I could hardly believe it.

  Then he gently stroked my cheek.

  I was on the verge of a coma induced by an enormous sense of wellbeing when he removed his hand from my face.

  I suddenly felt very cold.

  And Joshua headed back to the shore.

  I wanted to call out ‘Stay!’, but I was unable to make a sound. I was too choked watching him walk out of my life along the edge of the lake.

  Of course, any hopes of spending another evening – thousands of evenings – like that with Joshua had been absurd. But knowledge does not protect you from pain.

  My sorrow almost overwhelmed me completely. Then a thought crossed my mind. Task? What kind of a task?

  Shortly afterwards I was frantically ringing the doorbell at Michi’s video store. He opened up, even more bleary-eyed than the day before. He was wearing a T-shirt that said, ‘There’s nothing to see here!’

  ‘What is Jesus’ task?’ I just blurted out.

  ‘Eh?’

  ‘What is Jesus’ task?!?’

  ‘Don’t yell at me.’

  ‘I’m not yelling!’

  ‘Then I don’t want to know what it’s like when you are.’

  ‘Like this!’

  ‘You have a great career as a foghorn ahead of you,’ Michi replied.

  I was annoyed.

  ‘Come in and I’ll explain it to you,’ Michi said.

  He sat down at the counter, drank a black coffee and told me of the prophecies about Armageddon in the Bible. There were some in the Book of Daniel and even Jesus himself had predicted the end of the world in the Gospels. But it was described in most detail at the end of the Bible, on the last pages, in the Book of Revelation. I was spellbound as Michi told me about the final battle of good against evil. And about the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, about Satan, and about how Jesus conquers them all in a battle and creates a Kingdom of Heaven on earth, in which believers can live in peace for all eternity. Without hardship, without sorrow and, above all, without death. I now knew why Joshua was here.

  ‘You’re paler than
Michael Jackson,’ Michi declared. ‘What’s wrong?’

  Should I tell him? Would he believe me? Not likely. But it didn’t matter; I just had to tell someone what I’d experienced.

  I told Michi everything. About how I’d been rescued in the lake, about the miracle healing of the little girl, about the scars on Joshua’s feet and about his task. The only thing I didn’t tell him was how I felt about Joshua.

  When I was finished with my tale, Michi gasped. ‘Wowzers.’

  ‘You… you believe me then?’ I asked hopefully.

  ‘Of course I believe you,’ Michi replied, in a tone that you normally use to explain to children that the horse they’ve drawn is really, really good, although it actually looks like a giraffe.

  ‘You don’t believe me,’ I said flatly.

  ‘Well, you’ve had a rough time, with the whole wedding fiasco and stuff… so you’re probably trying to suppress your feelings for this carpenter, so as not to get hurt again, and that’s why you’re imagining that he’s Jesus…’

  ‘I am not mad!’ I interrupted him.

  ‘Mad is a strong word…’

  ‘I’m about to punch you.’

  I was angry and disappointed. I really could have done with someone to share the madness of the last couple of days with. Michi went quiet for a moment, then gently explained: ‘I don’t really want to believe all this either.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Our world being turned into a Kingdom of Heaven would have disadvantages for some people.’

  ‘Why so? I thought that there’d be no more death, no more shortages. And it sounds like there mightn’t be any heartache either. Or acne.’

  ‘Well yes, but not everyone will be getting an invitation.’

  I stared at him in bewilderment.

  ‘All people,’ Michi explained, ‘will appear before God. Even those who have already died. They will be brought back to life. God will open the so-called Book of Life, which details what every single person has done.’

  ‘Must be a pretty thick book,’ I said feeling pained.

  The idea that everything I’d done in my life was written down did not please me greatly. Were God’s angels monitoring my every step? Even when I showered? Or when I had sex? Or the sex I had alone? If so, I’d like to give those Peeping Toms a piece of my mind.’

  ‘People will be judged on all their deeds. Those who’ve been good will be allowed to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.’

  ‘And the rest? What will they do if the world no longer exists?’

  ‘The rest will, according to the Book of Revelation, be cast into the lake of fire.’

  ‘Sounds unpleasant,’ I said shuddering.

  ‘I guess that’s the idea.’

  ‘And the Bible really says all that?’

  Michi nodded.

  ‘But I thought God was benevolent,’ I asked hesitantly.

  ‘He is the same God who flooded the earth at the time of Noah, completely destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, and hurled the Egyptians into a major recession to make them free the Israelites.’

  ‘I’m not sure I like this God,’ I said gloomily.

  ‘If the Book of Life really exists, it will include what you just said.’

  ‘Oh no!’ I exclaimed.

  ‘I also prefer the God who helped David against Goliath,’ Michi said.

  ‘Isn’t he the same one?’

  ‘This question has been giving theologians a migraine for centuries.’

  ‘And what do you think? Who is the true God?’

  ‘I’m hoping for the benevolent one, but when you look around at the world…’

  He didn’t say anything more. He did not want to articulate any doubts he had about his faith, so as not to acknowledge their existence.

  The facts, as they were presented, were unpleasantly clear. Jesus was walking the earth and said that the task that he was now preparing for could be found in the Bible. That thing about the Day of Judgement was probably his task then. The world, as I knew it, would end. And there were probably loads more awful things about me in that stupid Book of Life. So was I going to end up in the lake of fire for all eternity?

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Meanwhile…

  Gabriel had been worrying about Jesus the whole night. He wasn’t worried that something might have happened to him, but rather that that wretched Marie would have turned his head and messed up God’s plans. He felt so guilty that he’d let the Messiah go and that he hadn’t gone after him. But the night with Silvia had just been too wonderful. His flesh was not just old – it was weak and exceedingly willing.

  When Jesus finally came into the vicarage at seven o’clock in the morning, Gabriel had a hard time not treating him like one of his students at confirmation camp. As calmly as possible, but still somewhat sternly, he asked Jesus: ‘So where were you?’

  ‘Dancing salsa,’ he replied.

  It took a while before Gabriel was able to close his mouth again.

  ‘It was very nice,’ Jesus declared, smiling misty-eyed.

  My God. Gabriel asked himself again whether his absurd suspicion was true – did the Messiah really have feelings for Marie? That girl whom Gabriel had almost advised to change denominations after listening to her moaning on about heartache during confirmation class, only so as not to have to endure her anymore?

  Gabriel just needed to know what was going on. Jesus had a task to fulfil – there was no room to allow his feelings to get in the way of that.

  ‘You… you have feelings for this woman?’ Gabriel asked carefully.

  Jesus clearly found this question awkward. He didn’t want to speak about his emotions. But since he hadn’t ever lied before and didn’t want to start now, he said: ‘She affects me, unlike anyone else has done for a long time.’

  Gabriel wanted to scream! Go berserk! And use angelic powers to travel back in time to ensure that Marie was never born! But since he was no longer an angel, just a mere mortal, he simply asked, ‘How… how can that be?’

  ‘Since I was a young boy, everybody has only ever regarded me as the Son of God,’ Jesus explained. ‘But Marie… she… she sees something else in me.’

  ‘A salsa dancer?’ Gabriel snapped.

  ‘Just an ordinary person.’

  ‘But you’re not an ordinary person,’ Gabriel protested.

  ‘Yes, and I told her that too,’ Jesus grinned.

  ‘And Marie…?’ Gabriel asked.

  ‘Didn’t want to hear about it.’

  ‘Of course,’ Gabriel snorted.

  ‘For a very short time I felt completely unburdened,’ Jesus explained, smiling. Gabriel didn’t want to hear it and snorted again.

  ‘I even learned something from her,’ Jesus said.

  ‘How to swing your hips?’

  ‘That too. But the main thing that I learned from Marie,’ Jesus continued, ‘is that you can teach people to forgive themselves.’

  Gabriel stopped snorting. This was surprisingly wise, particularly coming from Marie. She… she had… really taught the Messiah something… unbelievable!

  ‘And she comforted me, too,’ Jesus said wistfully.

  Gabriel knew that expression. Jesus used to make that face around Mary Magdalene. It was that awful ‘I, too, need a person in my life’ expression.

  Jesus actually had romantic feelings for Marie! Perhaps he wasn’t entirely clear about them himself – he lacked experience in such matters, but Marie had touched his heart. That was now very clear!

  Love really was one of God’s more bizarre ideas. But that his own son would be hit by it twice – well, that can’t be something that the Almighty had reckoned with.

  Or had he? After all, he was also called the Almighty because he was omniscient. This was now all very confusing to Gabriel.

  ‘But…’ he asked hesitantly, ‘are you going to abandon your task for Marie?’

  ‘What?’ Jesus asked in surprise.

  Gabriel was annoyed at himself. Had he put this s
tupid idea into Jesus’s head? Would the Kingdom of Heaven on earth now not be realised because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut?

  ‘Are you asking that because of your love for Silvia?’ the Messiah asked Gabriel. Then he put a stupid idea in Gabriel’s head. If the Day of Judgement did not come, Gabriel could carry on living happily with Silvia. And sawing. And all the things she still wanted to show him. That Kama Sutra thing certainly sounded interesting…

  ‘Do you think it might be a good idea to wait a little while?’ Jesus asked nervously. It was obvious that he wanted to spend more time with Marie.

  Gabriel grappled with himself. He and Jesus were just being led into temptation. He had to fight these emotions. He had to remain steadfast. For God’s sake!

  ‘Travel to Jerusalem today,’ he urged the Messiah. ‘You have to create the Kingdom of Heaven on earth.’

  Jesus thought for a while, remembered his duties and declared: ‘You are right of course.’

  He got his toolbox and took his leave. ‘Farewell, old friend.’

  ‘Farewell,’ Gabriel replied.

  Then the Messiah left the vicarage. Gabriel watched him go, aghast that something as ridiculous as love had almost messed up God’s plans.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  When I’d found my voice again, I asked Michi: ‘And… and Jesus predicted that as well?’

  I still could not imagine that Jesus – that Joshua – would be a part of such a thing.

  ‘With the threat of the end of the world, he got many people to think about their actions and find God,’ Michi explained.

  ‘I… I don’t believe it.’

  Michi leafed through the Bible. ‘It says so in several places, look. In Matthew 25 Jesus proclaims: “Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels.”’

  ‘You know your stuff…’ I stammered. ‘Do you know what the admissions criteria are for the Kingdom of Heaven?’ I asked anxiously.

  ‘You actually believe that this man is Jesus,’ Michi realised. He was pretty shocked now. My fear slowly seemed to be transferring to him. Or maybe he was just really worried about me.