Martin Crimp, Plays 3

by Martin Crimp

  Pause.

  She’d got such a lovely tan as well. Irene’s so lucky the way she tans like that. Of course she’s got the sunbed too. Having a sunbed must help. Provided you don’t overdo the ultra-violet. (Slight pause.) Where are those pictures, Frank? We’ve got some nice ones of them somewhere. Weren’t you going to get them out, Frank? He told me he was going to get them out. (Slight pause.) I won’t be a moment then.

  Silence as Milly goes.

  Frank (more relaxed in Milly’s absence) It was quite definitely the Bahamas as a matter of fact. Oh yes it’s perfectly true that Max and Poppy moved to Tenerife – Mike and Max met up while they were out in Cape Town by the way – because of course they went there, Tenerife I mean, when their dog was killed.

  Milly (from another room)I can’t see them, Frank.

  Frank Because they’d always felt like having a stab at Tenerife, but while they still had the dog –

  Milly (as before) I said I can’t see them, Frank.

  Frank (raising voice) Didn’t you have them out when Joan was here? (Slight pause. Relaxed again.) Where was I? Oh yes I was saying, while they still had their Doberman there was no question of moving on account of the additional cost, not to mention the sheer size of it. And Max had a passion for that animal evidently. Mike said he wouldn’t’ve left her behind for anything. But anyway it was rather gruesome as it turned out, because when they eventually found her, the Doberman I mean, the head had been hacked off. And the interesting thing was was it wasn’t an isolated incident, because –

  Milly (as before) You’re not talking about that dog are you, Frank?

  Slight pause.

  Frank It wasn’t an isolated incident because drugs were involved and when the police finally cracked down on them –

  Milly (as before) You know I don’t like you talking about that dog.

  Slight pause.

  Frank When they finally cracked down on them the interesting thing was was they were only children. Eight years old I think the youngest was. Max told Mike they were getting ‘high’ on these drugs and drinking the blood or something of the kind, I’m not sure of the exact details. Anyway it meant the two of them, Max and Poppy I mean, were very keen to move away, particularly with this ‘cult’ or whatever it was right on their doorstep so to speak. And since they’d always fancied a stab at Tenerife as I say, they were out by the end of the month. And I believe they’re very happy there. They’ve got several acres, and a pool. At least I think there’s a pool. Mill will know if there’s a pool or not.

  Milly (entering room) What will Mill know?

  Frank If there’s a pool.

  Milly Oh yes there’s quite a big pool.

  Pause.

  He knows I don’t like him talking about that dog.

  Pause.

  I’d love a pool you know. Frank says what’s the use of a pool when I can’t swim but I’ve told him if I had a pool I’d learn. And I don’t know why he’s looking at me like that because I would Frank if I say I would. Marijke could’ve taught me for one thing. (Slight pause.) And besides you don’t have to go in. There’s no one making you go in. I’ve said to Frank surely one of the pleasures of having your own pool is sitting on the side, just looking at the water. I could spend all day looking at water.

  Pause.

  And of course Marijke could’ve used it. She could’ve brought her friends. Because sometimes I worry about her going on her own to the public baths. Because let’s face it you never know what sort of people you’re going to find in a place like that, do you Frank.

  Pause.

  Frank says he’s getting too old to dig a pool, but I’ve told him why don’t we get a man in, I really can’t imagine what he has against having a man in. Because Irene doesn’t think twice about having a man in. And it needn’t be heated. Irene’s isn’t heated but she manages.

  Long silence.

  (With enthusiasm.) That’s Irene barbecuing the chops. It’s a good one of her, isn’t it Frank. It’s very typical of Irene, that smile. It’s so natural. That’s me in the background behind the smoke.

  Slight pause.

  (Faint laugh.) That’s Michael being stupid showing off his tan. Where had they been, Frank?

  Frank Wasn’t it South Africa?

  Milly Yes that’s right, they’d been back to see friends in Cape Town. Because of course they made a lot of friends over there in their South African days.

  Frank And a lot of money.

  Milly Oh yes they made a lot of money because they worked hard and they went at the right time. But it hasn’t changed them, has it Frank. Because of course Michael has a head for business. If he didn’t have a head for business he wouldn’t be where he is today. But do you know he’s still a romantic at heart, isn’t he Frank. Whenever he rang home he was always enthusing about the beautiful scenery they have over there. The mountains. The wildlife. We’ve got some pictures somewhere.

  Slight pause.

  This is me next to the pool. Irene’s flip-flops gave me blisters. That’s why I’m pulling such a face. Really Frank, you could’ve waited till I’d made myself decent.

  Slight pause.

  Now this is meant to be Michael diving in, but Frank missed him, didn’t you Frank. Still, it’s a nice one of the pool. The black and orange tiles were Irene’s idea. They’re rather effective actually.

  Slight pause.

  Oh now this gives you some idea of the grounds. Everything you can see is theirs, up to the barbed wire fence.

  Slight pause.

  That’s Frank trying Michael’s snorkel on. It’s funny, Frank never comes out well in pictures. Do you Frank.

  Slight pause.

  What’s this one, Frank?

  Frank (slight pause as he looks) Isn’t it Michael with Marijke?

  Milly I didn’t know we had one of Michael and Marijke.

  Frank It must be when Michael and Irene were here for Easter.

  Milly I didn’t know we had a picture. (Faint laugh.) Just look at them. I didn’t think it was warm enough for sprawling on the lawn like that.

  Slight pause.

  (With enthusiasm.) No I didn’t realise we had a picture of Michael and Marijke. Irene must’ve taken it. It’s a nice surprise, because of course the two of them hit it off rather well when they were up for Easter. Michael’s been to Germany, you see. He’s been all over on business.

  Frank Marijke’s Dutch.

  Milly I know Marijke’s Dutch. Of course Marijke’s Dutch. But she’s been to Germany and she understands German, that’s my point. They all do, the Germans I mean the Dutch, they all have a wonderful gift for languages. Marijke’s Dutch for example is quite remarkable.

  Frank You mean her English.

  Milly I said her English.

  Frank You said her Dutch.

  Milly Well I meant her English. Obviously she speaks Dutch. She is Dutch.

  Frank I’m just saying what you said.

  Milly Well does it matter, Frank? Does it really matter what I said? Of course, I meant her English. Obviously I meant her English.

  Frank And it wasn’t German.

  Milly I know. It was English. I made a mistake that’s all.

  Frank It wasn’t German, it was Afrikaans.

  Milly Afrikaans?

  Frank Yes.

  Pause.

  Milly Well anyway what was I saying, oh yes she and Michael hit it off like a house on fire what with both of them being able to speak German or whatever it was – I really don’t see that it matters, Frank – which was very nice for Marijke, because she often seems a little sulky, and sometimes I don’t think she finds it easy to make friends over here, probably on account of the language problem as I say, which is a shame because she’s such a pretty girl really, or at least she could be if she didn’t wear those dreadful skirts with a slit all the way up the side, couldn’t she Frank.

  Both with mounting amusement.

  Frank But the funniest thing was the flowers he bought her …<
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  Milly Oh those flowers were a scream. I nearly died, didn’t I Frank.

  Frank Because he bought her a huge bunch of tulips …

  Milly Tulips, can you imagine …

  Frank Mike can be a real comedian when he wants to be …

  Milly It was so nice to see Marijke letting herself go for a change …

  Frank I really didn’t think that sofa was going to be able to take it …

  Milly And they were both in such a state with the giggles I don’t think they even realised we were watching. There were flowers all over the place …

  Frank (with relish) It looked for a moment as if the whole thing was going to collapse … (Laughs.)

  Milly (with relish) It’s a wonder to me they didn’t both end up on the floor … (Laughs.)

  Frank and Milly laugh at length. Laughter ends.

  Oh dear … (Faint after-laugh.)

  Pause.

  It’s a shame Frank doesn’t have a flash.

  Frank Of course Irene wouldn’t have them in the house.

  Milly She’s got some terrible allergies, Irene. With me it’s cats.

  Pause.

  Where is Marijke anyway?

  Frank Isn’t she vacuuming?

  Milly I can’t hear the vacuum.

  Pause.

  No I can’t hear the vacuum. Are you sure she’s vacuuming?

  (Calls.) Marijke. Marijke.

  Pause.

  Michael invited her down which was rather charming of him. And he always mentions it when he rings. When’s Marijke coming down, he says. We’d love to see her again before she goes back to Holland. (Calls.) Marijke.

  Pause.

  Are you sure she’s in?

  Frank I thought she was vacuuming.

  Milly Yes but have you seen her?

  Frank She often vacuums on Saturdays.

  Milly Yes but I don’t think she is vacuuming, Frank. That’s my point.

  Pause.

  Of course it was after their first trip to the Cape that Michael started carrying a gun. Because Irene was nearly raped over there. I wish he wouldn’t but he says he owes it to Irene.

  Pause.

  Frank It wasn’t actually a rape.

  Milly Well it was nearly a rape.

  Frank What happened was this black chap knocked her down in a street and snatched her handbag.

  Milly Well if that’s not nearly a rape I’d like to know what is. Because it’s certainly violence of the lowest kind.

  Frank It was registered as a robbery.

  Milly Yes but that’s the police. What do the police know? They’re too soft if you ask me. And the unfortunate thing was she’d only just been to the bank.

  Frank They think he followed her.

  Milly Well of course he followed her. It was quite premeditated. And this was broad daylight, can you imagine? Nearly raped in broad daylight. Where were the police, that’s what I’d like to know. Why didn’t they catch him, that’s what I’d like to know. I really think they’re too soft on these sexual offenders.

  Frank There doesn’t seem to’ve been a sexual motive.

  Milly Well I really don’t know how Frank can sit there and say there wasn’t a sexual motive. Because why did he knock her down if there wasn’t a sexual motive? Why didn’t he just snatch the bag and run? No it’s quite clear to me he knocked her down because of the sexual motive and then perhaps he thought he heard someone coming because it was broad daylight after all and decided to run off with the bag instead. Because Michael’s been in this very room and he’s told us, even if Frank now chooses to forget, but he’s told us how it’s a psychological fact that the only thing a black man wants to do over there is sleep with a white woman, which is why of course there used to be laws against it before all these reforms.

  Frank I think you’ll find that view of Mike’s is rather extreme, Mill.

  Milly Well maybe it is Frank. Maybe it is extreme. But I really don’t see what position you’re in to argue with a psychological fact, because you’re not a black man or a white woman are you, and it’s all very well to say it’s extreme but I can remember Irene telling us, in this very room, although perhaps Frank wasn’t paying any attention, but I can remember her saying how she felt when she saw the look in his eyes. Like meat on a slab, that’s what she said.

  Frank It’s actually what Mike said.

  Milly (decisively) Like meat on a butcher’s slab Frank, I don’t care who said it.

  Long silence.

  Marijke (from the doorway throughout) Did you want me, Mrs Taylor?

  Milly Ah there you are Marijke. We were just having a debate about where you were.

  Pause.

  Where did you find that towel?

  Marijke It was in the airing cupboard.

  Milly But isn’t it one of Frank’s? Really I wish she wouldn’t just pick up the first one that comes to hand. It’s a terrible habit she has.

  Marijke I didn’t realise.

  Milly Because maybe I could understand her taking one of mine, but surely she can see the writing on it. ‘His’ is Frank’s, Marijke.

  Pause.

  We thought you were vacuuming.

  Marijke I’ve been to the baths, Mrs Taylor. Then I washed my hair.

  Milly She wasn’t vacuuming Frank, she was washing her hair. (Slight pause.) Was it nice at the baths?

  Marijke Yes it was nice at the baths, but there was a great deal of activity.

  Milly Well there would be, wouldn’t there Frank, there would be a great deal of … activity, on a Saturday morning.

  Pause.

  We were just saying how well you and Michael hit it off at Easter. We found a photograph.

  Marijke Hit it off?

  Milly Yes, you remember Michael.

  Marijke May I see?

  Pause.

  Milly I was saying to Frank I didn’t know the weather had been good enough for lounging on the lawn like that, but I suppose it must’ve been.

  Marijke (in the room: faint laugh of recollection)

  Milly Try not to drip over it, Marijke. (Slight pause.) It’s a shame it’s not clearer, but I don’t think Irene understands Frank’s camera. Mind you nor does Frank all the time, do you Frank. (Slight pause.) And talking of dripping. Marijke. Marijke please don’t walk off while I’m speaking. It’s a terrible habit she has walking off while you’re speaking. (Slight pause.) I say talking of dripping, please mind where you put your wet things. She has a habit of leaving her wet things all over the place. (Slight pause.) Off you go then.

  Silence as Marijke goes.

  You see she really could be quite presentable if she didn’t insist on dressing like that. Because there’s nothing uglier to my mind than seeing all of a girl’s thighs, don’t you think. Don’t you think, Frank. (Slight pause.) You know I don’t think he even notices. Do you.

  Frank What’s that?

  Milly Marijke’s legs. You don’t even notice, do you. You see, he doesn’t even notice.

  Frank (absently) What’s wrong with her legs?

  Milly You see.

  Pause.

  (Faint laugh.) Activity. Really, Marijke does have an odd way of speaking sometimes, doesn’t she Frank. (Slight pause. With concern.) Are you alright Frank? You look a little peaky. Doesn’t he – look a little peaky. Is it your nerves again? Frank suffers with his nerves. Don’t you Frank. So does Irene funnily enough. They’ve both been through hell and high water with their nerves. And do you know it turns out they both have the same pills. It was such a coincidence wasn’t it Frank. But really of course it’s a blessing for all concerned, because it means if we go to visit or they come here and one of them’s forgotten their pills, then it’s not the disaster it might’ve been. Is it Frank. (Slight pause.) Do you want to go and lie down for a while? (Slight pause.) No? Are you sure? Have you had your pill? (Slight pause.) Of course I think this year the weather’s had a lot to do with it. Because the winter was bitter here, really bitter, and then when spring came we
ll it never really warmed up did it Frank, it was one dismal day after another except perhaps for one or two fine April mornings when the rain held off, but even then you couldn’t go out without tights on, could you Frank. And so not surprisingly we’d set our hearts on having something of a summer but now look here we are it’s nearly the end of August, and do you know I don’t think we’ve had so much as one really fine day, have we Frank, not one really glorious summer’s day in all these months. And I know what you’re going to say Frank: what good would it’ve done me to have a pool. But the fact is a pool would’ve been some compensation.

  Pause. Having started during the previous speech, a telephone is very faintly audible, ringing in another room.

  Is that the telephone, Frank? (Slight pause.) Frank.

  Frank Yes?

  Milly It’s the phone.

  Frank Do you want me to go?

  Milly Won’t Marijke go?

  Frank I’m quite happy to go.

  Pause as Frank goes. Faint ringing persists.

  Milly Really he didn’t have to go. She’s quite capable of answering the phone. More often than not it’s for Marijke these days. Not that I’m complaining. Because she could be worse. Frank and I thought it would be far worse to have a teenager always under our feet. Loud music. Boyfriends. Long baths. Needless scenes. But in fact she’s turned out far better than we’d expected, even if she is a little sulky sometimes. And of course it’s been very useful to have someone to help with the house when she’s not at college. I’ve said to Frank, we’ll be quite lost when she goes. (Slight pause.) Because the fact is we would’ve liked a bigger family. We never intended to stop at just the one. Not that we didn’t try. Well I tried. Well what I mean is of course we both tried, only … (Slight pause. Raising voice.) Who was it Frank?