Martin Crimp, Plays 3

by Martin Crimp

  Pause. Frank and Milly continue to laugh.

  I don’t remember his exact words.

  Pause. Frank and Milly continue to laugh. Laughter ends.

  Milly Oh dear … (Faint after-laugh.)

  Silence.

  Marijke (with calm detachment throughout) I don’t remember the exact words he used. (Slight pause.) He came into the room silently and held the flowers between my face and the book. When I pushed them away he was laughing already and pushed them back again. Whenever I tried to move the book or the flowers he pushed them back in my face, laughing all the while. Everyone was laughing.

  Pause.

  Later that day when I mentioned I would be going swimming Mr Taylor said he would drive me. I said there was no need but he insisted he would drive me. I remember this clearly.

  Pause.

  I remember this clearly since it was in the car Mr Taylor invited me to stay with himself and his wife. He said wouldn’t I like to swim in their pool in return for speaking Afrikaansch with him. I asked him why he should think I speak Afrikaansch. He said why not, isn’t it Dutch? I explained I do not speak this kind of Dutch.

  Pause.

  A little further on he said do you know the Walletjes in Amsterdam? I replied yes I am familiar with the Walletjes, Mr Taylor. No doubt you have been as a tourist in Amsterdam. Because it is well known that tourists, first they tour the canals and historical buildings. Then, if it is the season, they visit the flowers in the Keukenhof gardens at Lisse. Or later in summer go to swim at Zandvoort or Scheveningen. And then when they are bored with the flowers and canals and the sea, then they will go to a live show perhaps or to the Walletjes to look at prostitutes in the shop windows there. It is a very popular tourist activity. I say certainly I know that area but it is not of particular interest to me. Mr Taylor says that surprises me.

  Pause.

  He says that surprises me Marijke, because you look like the sort of girl who would find it interesting.

  Pause.

  He says but of course I am right there is nothing so remarkable about prostitutes in shop windows. Mr Taylor says what interests him is rather when the window is empty and the lights are on in the back room. When the women are with their men-friends in other words. He says don’t you find it interesting to think about what the women and their men-friends might be doing in those back rooms? I tell him I have never given much thought to the matter, but I should imagine it must be dull. He says that surprises me Marijke, because you don’t look like the sort of girl who would find it dull.

  Pause.

  Some kilometres after this conversation Mr Taylor drives a little way off the road. He stops the car and shows me a little gun. We are on a kind of ridge with woodland behind, and ahead of us a steep fall into the valley. I ask him why have we stopped? He says why not stop, Marijke? This is a beautiful view. Don’t you like the view? You won’t find such views in your country. Your country’s too flat. There’s too much sky. Look down there at the shadows of the clouds.

  Pause.

  Mr Taylor asks me did I know a man had raped his wife. That’s why he carries a gun, since a man has raped his wife. I say to him would it not be more appropriate, Mr Taylor, for your wife to carry the gun if that is the case. He says it’s not funny Marijke, it’s not a joke,

  Pause. Faint laugh. Pause.

  Then he asks me what do you wear in the baths, Marijke? I say what do you expect me to wear in the baths? He says are those your things in that bag. I say please Mr Taylor don’t take my things out of the bag. He says but why not? What are you afraid of? And for the first time I notice the look in his eyes.

  Pause.

  He takes my things from the bag and examines them for a while in silence between his fingers. Then he says, listen, shall we have a smoke? (Slight pause.) And when I tell him I don’t want to smoke with him he pushes the things back and throws the bag in my face. He says don’t think I don’t know your game. My wife was raped. I know that game. I’m not a fool. I’ve known girls like you, he says, plenty of girls like you.

  Pause.

  Later, in the afternoon, I have taken my book into the garden. Mr Taylor comes and lies beside me. When I go to move he takes hold of my arm. Don’t go away Marijke, he says. Can’t you see my wife wants to take our photograph. Mrs Taylor is standing with the camera under the apple tree. Don’t either of you move, she says. Smile.

  Long silence.

  Milly Have you finished, Marijke? (Pause.) I say have you finished with those flowers? (Slight pause.) Marijke. (Slight pause.) Marijke, please don’t walk off while I’m –

  Silence as Marijke goes.

  (Faint laugh.) Look at those flowers, Frank. What on earth has she been doing with them?

  Milly chuckles faintly. Frank joins in. Silence.

  You know I really don’t see that there was any need to use that word. Do you? Do you, Frank?

  Pause.

  Frank I’ve been thinking … I’ve been thinking, Mill, You know I think you’re right, it wasn’t the Bahamas –

  Milly Frank.

  Frank Mill?

  Pause.

  Milly I say, I don’t see what need there was to use that word.

  Frank What word?

  Milly The word she used. (Slight pause.) Because really Marijke’s Dutch I mean her English is terribly good but still she has a very odd way of speaking sometimes to my mind, a very peculiar way of putting things. I’m sure she can’t really mean to say half the things she says. (Slight pause.) Yes I’m surprised they haven’t pulled her up on it, at the college. Because I’ve said to Frank, haven’t I Frank, I’ve said I think they let the youngsters get away with too much these days. And Michael agrees with us. He says the trouble is too much freedom.

  Pause.

  I didn’t know he’d given her a lift, did you Frank? (Slight pause.) No I didn’t realise he’d taken her for a spin, but of course it doesn’t surprise me because as I say the two of them did hit it off rather well and Michael does like to drive. It’s one of his great passions. He’s had some lovely cars, hasn’t he Frank. Well so has Irene. They’ve both had some lovely cars. What’s the one you liked, Frank? There’s one Frank particularly liked. Which was it, Frank?

  Frank The BMW.

  Milly That’s right. I can remember Frank drooling over that BMW. (Faint laugh. Slight pause.) Frank. Are you alright Frank? You look a little peaky. He worries me when he goes pale like that. Don’t you think you ought to go and lie down. No? What about your pills? (Slight pause.) He’s such a worry sometimes, and the thing is all his side of the family seem to die young, don’t they Frank.

  Pause.

  You know the more I hear about Holland the less I like the sound of it.

  Pause.

  What did she mean, Frank: smoke. Because Irene of course has never been able to manage without a cigarette in her mouth. But Michael … I’ve never see him smoke. Have you Frank?

  Pause.

  (Faint laugh.) You know that’s so typical of Michael, to say he’ll drive someone somewhere, and then go completely out of the way to look at the scenery. Because of course he’s got a head for business, he wouldn’t be where he is today if he didn’t have a head for business, but I’ve always said to Frank, haven’t I Frank, I’ve always said he’s a romantic at heart. (Faint laugh.) The shadows of clouds. (Slight pause.) Yes, he’s like me in that respect, the romantic respect. And of course that was April. Because it’s true we had some fine days in April. But now look it’s nearly the end of August and it hasn’t been what I’d call a summer at all. I’m sure Marijke’s legs must be terribly cold. It gives me the shivers just to look at them. Doesn’t it you, Frank.

  Pause. Faint telephone audible as before.

  Is that the phone, Frank?

  Frank Shall I go?

  Milly Won’t Marijke go? More often than not it’s for Marijke these days.

  Pause. Marijke audible on phone but unintelligible as before.

  Milly Yes it�
�s probably Alec or one of those.

  Pause. Marijke audible.

  (Faint laugh.) When Joan first saw him she said, what on earth has he got in his nose, Millicent? Is he a pig? (Faint laugh.) A pig. That’s the thing about Joan, you can have a good laugh with her, can’t you Frank. She sees the funny side. It’s like a breath of fresh air. Even Spain, she says, is funny, in retrospect.

  Pause. Marijke audible.

  She’s having a pool put in by the way. She’s found a very reasonable man, Frank. She said after that experience she’d rather have her own. Oh it’s nothing very luxurious. It certainly won’t be heated. Just a basic pool. She said she’ll let me have his number, Frank.

  Silence. Faint ping of receiver replaced.

  Frank It was an Epiphone.

  Milly Frank?

  Frank That guitar of Mike’s. I remember the name now. Because I remember thinking: it doesn’t sound Japanese. Because it doesn’t does it: Epiphone. But the man said it’s all Japanese now. You won’t find anything in your price range that isn’t Japanese. (Faint laugh.)

  Pause.

  Milly Of course it’s going to be very quiet without Marijke. When it’s just the two of us again. Because we’re used to her now, aren’t we Frank. (Slight pause.) Oh yes we were wary at first. Naturally we were. Loud music. Boyfriends. Needless scenes. (Slight pause.) But in fact it hasn’t turned out at all like we’d imagined. Has it Frank.

  Pause.

  Not that we worry about the quiet. In fact that’s why we came here, wasn’t it Frank, for the quiet.

  Frank What’s that?

  Milly The quiet. I say that’s why we came. Because I said to Frank, didn’t I Frank, I said really you know these planes are driving us both up the wall. And then we happened to see a programme, didn’t we Frank, about drugs, and of course that settled it.

  Frank It was rats.

  Milly Yes, rats. (Slight pause.) What did I say, Frank?

  Frank Drugs. You said drugs.

  Milly Did I?

  Pause.

  So when we arrived here of course the first thing we did was go into the garden. I’m sure I said rats, Frank. Because it was the most glorious summer then. And Frank took my arm and we stood for a moment under the apple tree to be out of the heat. All that fruit. I said heavens Frank, what are we going to do with all that fruit, just the two of us. And he said to me don’t worry about that Mill, listen. Didn’t you Frank. And I said what do you mean Frank, listen. And he said, nothing, just listen.

  Long silence.

  * They pronounce ‘Irene’ as two syllables.

  IN THE REPUBLIC OF HAPPINESS

  an entertainment in three parts

  1 DESTRUCTION OF THE FAMILY

  2 THE FIVE ESSENTIAL FREEDOMS OF THE INDIVIDUAL

  3 IN THE REPUBLIC OF HAPPINESS

  In the Republic of Happiness was first performed at the Royal Court Jerwood Theatre Downstairs, London, on 6 December 2012.

  Mum / Middle-Aged Woman Emma Fielding

  Hazel / Teenage Girl 2 Ellie Kendrick

  Granny / Old Woman Anna Calder-Marshall

  Grandad / Old Man Peter Wight

  Dad / Middle-Aged Man Stuart McQuarrie

  Uncle Bob / Man of about Thirty Paul Ready

  Madeleine / Woman of about Thirty Michelle Terry

  Director Dominic Cooke

  Set Designer Miriam Buether

  Costume Designer Moritz Junge

  Lighting Designer Peter Mumford

  Composer Roald van Oosten

  Sound Designer Paul Arditti

  Musical Director James Fortune

  Casting Director Amy Ball

  Assistant Director Adele Thomas

  Assistant Designer Lucy Sierra

  Production Managers Paul Handley, Tariq Rifaat

  Characters

  Eight actors are required, as follows

  PART ONE PART TWO PART THREE

  Grandad Old Man

  Granny Old Woman

  Dad Middle-Aged Man

  Mum Middle-Aged Woman

  Debbie Teenage Girl 1

  Hazel Teenage Girl 2

  Madeleine Woman of about thirty Madeleine

  Uncle Bob Man of about thirty Uncle Bob

  Assignment of roles

  In Parts One and Three

  roles are assigned in the usual way.

  In Part Two

  there are no assigned parts,

  and the whole company should participate.

  A dash before a speech —

  indicates change of speaker.

  DESTRUCTION OF THE FAMILY

  Daylight. Christmas.

  A small artificial tree with lights.

  The family is gathered: Mum, Dad, Granny, Grandad, Debbie, Hazel.

  Dad stares at Debbie. Silence.

  Debbie I wasn’t trying to upset people, Dad. I love you. And I love Mum. Plus I love Granny and Grandad – and of course I love Hazel too. I do, Hazel – whatever you think. But the fact is, is I know that I’ll love my baby more. And that’s how it should be, Dad – however much I love you, I know that I’ll love my baby more. Which is why I’m afraid. Wouldn’t you be afraid? When you look at the world? – when you imagine the future? I’m afraid, Dad – for my baby. And I’m really sorry because I know this is Christmas and I shouldn’t be talking like this about horrible things but it’s just I can’t help it.

  Mum You mustn’t apologise, Debs. Tommy’s not really angry – are you, Tom.

  Hazel So why doesn’t she just get rid of it?

  Mum Hazel doesn’t mean that.

  Hazel Yes I do – if the world isn’t ‘good enough’.

  Granny That’s not a nice thing to say, Hazel.

  Mum She doesn’t actually mean it.

  Hazel Yes I do.

  Pause.

  Mum So you went to the supermarket, Margaret.

  Granny Oh it’s not very interesting.

  Mum We think it’s interesting. What did you get? Come on – tell us – cheer us all up.

  Granny Well – I bought a lettuce –

  Mum Really?

  Granny Yes.

  Mum A nice one?

  Granny Yes quite a nice lettuce, and a packet of biscuits.

  Mum Wonderful!

  Granny Oh and some material for your Grandad.

  Debbie Material? What kind of / material?

  Hazel She means pornography. (To Grandad.) Why don’t you just get it off the internet, Grandad?

  Granny He’s frightened someone will steal his identity, Hazel – and anyway it’s always much nicer having the actual magazine.

  Mum Well I’m very sorry but I think that’s wrong. I wouldn’t buy pornography for Tommy.

  Debbie Please stop it, Mum – why ’re you trying to make Grandad feel guilty? It’s not as if he’s going to do anything – he just likes looking – looking’s not a crime.

  Grandad Don’t you talk about me like that, young lady. I am neither senile nor impotent – surprising as that may seem.

  Debbie Sorry, Grandad – in fact I was defending you – but in future I’ll keep my mouth shut. Okay?

  Pause.

  Granny Where’re all the light bulbs, Tom?

  Mum What’s wrong, Margaret?

  Granny What’s happened to all the light bulbs? There’s none in the toilet and I’m just looking and it looks to me like there are none in here either.

  Hazel It’s because electricity’s got so expensive, Granny.

  Granny Well yes – I know electricity’s expensive but eventually it will get dark. What happens when it gets too dark to see?

  Hazel We get the box out of course.

  Granny What box?

  Mum The box with the light bulbs in – don’t we, Tommy.

  Pause.

  Tommy? Is something the matter?

  Dad D’you think this bird’s been properly cooked?

  Mum Why ’re you asking me that?

  Dad It’s just that ever since we started this meal
I’ve felt a bit sick.

  Granny You can’t ’ve done, Tom – of course it’s cooked – it’s delicious, Sandra.

  Mum Thank you.

  Granny Exceptionally succulent.

  Mum Thank you.

  Granny Which part did you stuff?

  Mum The neck.

  Granny Because you know not to stuff the body.

  Mum Of course not: I stuffed the neck.

  Granny Don’t stuff the body – it won’t cook.

  Mum I didn’t.

  Granny You’re sure? Because these bacteria can be very / dangerous.

  Mum I know what I’ve stuffed.

  Granny Well anyway, I think it’s excellent.

  Mum Thank you.

  Dad Then why does my mouth taste of vomit?

  Granny It can’t be the bird, Tom.

  Dad Well in that case it must be my particularly selfish daughter bringing up yet again the subject of her unplanned and ill-conceived pregnancy in front of this whole family when she can’t even name the father.

  Debbie I’m sorry, Dad.

  Mum Don’t bang on the table like that.

  Dad I’ll bang how the fuck I like.

  Pause.

  Granny He’s been like this ever since he was little. People don’t change. But he does need to control his temper – especially at Christmas.

  Dad Yes, Mum – okay – I take your point – I’m sorry.

  Granny People don’t change – you learn that when you get to my age.

  Hazel But you’ve changed, Granny.

  Granny I don’t think so. How?