“You don’t trust me?”
“I believe you’re generally truthful, but I’m sure there are times when you give me the answer you think I ought to have rather man the one that is strictly accurate.”
Bryce smiled. “In other words, you don’t trust me.”
“Not entirely.” She turned to Lieutenant Collier. “Do all of the men have blankets?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Do they have enough to keep them warm?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“There’s no use trying to fool her,” Bryce said to the lieutenant. “She’s going to find out anyway. I expect the only blanket any man has is his saddle cloth. They’ll use their saddles for pillows and their rain slickers to keep warm.”
“Is that so?” she asked the lieutenant.
“No, ma’am.” He looked pleased with himself. “I instructed the men to bring their bedrolls. Having a tent overhead won’t keep a man dry, but his bedroll will.”
“Good thinking,” Bryce told the young lieutenant. “I knew mere was a reason I picked you to lead the patrol.”
“You picked me because all the other officers have wives,” Collier said with a cheeky grin. “They don’t like it when he sends their husbands out unless there’s real trouble,” he explained to Abby. “That’s why lowly officers like me get these details.” He suddenly looked embarrassed at something. Bryce laughed.
“And here I was thinking your smooth tongue would make you a general before you turned thirty,” Bryce said.
“What’s wrong?” Abby asked.
“Just an army joke,” Bryce said. “You’d better make sure your men have taken advantage of your excellent planning,” Bryce said to the lieutenant, who quickly took his leave.
“He said something he shouldn’t, didn’t he?” Abby asked.
“It was nothing important. It’s time for bed.”
Abby wasn’t ready to go to bed just yet She was too anxious about sharing the tent with Bryce. That didn’t make any sense because she was certain he wouldn’t so much as touch her hand without her consent. Maybe she was agitated because of what she wanted him to do.
Until she’d arrived at Fort Lookout, she’d behaved in a circumspect manner her entire life. Neither her thoughts nor her body had betrayed her. Now she wanted what she couldn’t have, what she shouldn’t want.
Why was she having such a difficult time over a man who didn’t want to be involved with her any more than she wanted to be involved with him? But that was the problem: She did want to be involved him, and she believed he wanted to be involved with her.
“I’m too restless to go to bed yet,” she said to Bryce. “I’ll take a short walk.”
“You can’t go by yourself.”
“With this much moonlight, it’s practically like day.”
“Nevertheless, you can never tell what kind of danger might lurk in the shadows.”
“Maybe one of the soldiers wouldn’t mind going with me.”
“I’ll go,” Bryce said.
“You’re the commander. Your duty is to the men.”
“Lieutenant Collier is in charge of the men. I have no responsibility at the moment other than to make sure you’re safe.”
“I thought you were always responsible for your men.”
“I’m the commander. I can make my own rules.”
“What would General Sheridan think if he heard that?”
“He’d probably ask why I hadn’t sent you back to St. Louis yet.”
“I’d tell him I refused to go.”
“Not one refuses General Sheridan, not even stubborn civilian women.”
“Then I’m glad you’re here instead of him.” That came out sounding like something she didn’t intend to say.
“So am I.”
She refused to let herself think of what he might mean by that. He might be strongly attracted to her, but he intended to go back East to look for a wife. There was no middle ground mere.
“When I first got here, I couldn’t understand why people wanted to move out here,” she said as she started walking away from the camp. “It seemed too hot or cold, too wet or dry, and filled with hostile Indians.”
“And what have you decided?” Bryce asked, falling into step with her.
“That most of them came for the wrong reasons. They want land, space, freedom, but they wanted it to be like it was back East. By concentrating on how it differs from back East, they miss the challenges that excite people brave enough to try hard things, new things.”
“It’s a harsh land,” Bryce said, “but it has a majesty, a grandeur unmatched in the East. Seeing the snowcapped mountains in winter is worth the hot, dry summers.”
“You don’t sound like a man who can’t wait to go back East”
“I just appreciate what the West has to offer. The mountains are not only beautiful in the winter, they’re cool and inviting in the summer. You’ve never tasted water until you’ve drunk from a sparkling mountain stream or eaten fresh fish until you’ve tasted trout pulled from the water and put straight into the pan. In the spring the prairie is an endless, waving ocean of grass and flowers. What I find most extraordinary is the sense of limitless space. You can see for miles in all directions. In the mountains you can see peaks stretching far into the distance. At night the sky is endless, the canopy of stars beyond counting. Here, look up now. Have you ever seen anything like that before?”
“I never paid much attention to the sky before.”
“I guess people in cities don’t. Their minds are as rigidly confined as their bodies.”
“Do you like it here?” she asked.
“I was sure I wouldn’t when I received my assignment, but I’ve grown to like it very much.”
Much to her surprise, she had, too. She wondered what Moriah would think of that.
They’d walked well away from the camp by now. Beyond them the swollen creek carried its burden of silt and debris to unknown destinations. She wondered whether Lieutenant Collier would ever find the other tents. She shivered.
“Are you cold?”
“A little.” She thought it was more nerves than the temperature.
“Let me give you my coat.”
“No. You’d be cold and I’d be hot.”
“Then I’ll put my arm around you.”
Not giving her an opportunity to object, he stepped behind her, leaned her back against him, and closed his arms around her. She felt engulfed. “Is that better?”
Not trusting her voice, she nodded.
Why was this happening to her? She didn’t trust men. She didn’t want to get married. She didn’t want to be controlled by anyone. She wanted to build her own life, to be independent. She had come West to escape men, not to find one.
Well, she hadn’t found one, because Bryce didn’t want her the way she wanted him.
“There’s something about looking at the sky at night that has a way of making your troubles seem awfully small,” Bryce said.
“Mine seem gigantic.”
“That’s because you’re too close to them. When I look at the sky and see how enormous it is, I realize my part of the world is so small as to be insignificant. That makes my problems feel small, too.”
If staring at the sky could do that for Abby, she vowed she’d build an observation deck on the store. Moriah would think she was nuts, but anything for peace of mind.
“Maybe when I get my life as well ordered as yours, my problems won’t seem so big.”
Bryce turned her around in the circle of his arms. “You don’t have to worry. I’ll take care of you.”
It was hard to think with her body pressed against his. She could feel the hard power of his thighs, the warmth of his embrace, the comfort of his arms. She could also feel the heat pouring from his body into hers. It took all her concentration to keep her mind on what he was saying. She didn’t like feeling she was facing her problems alone, but she didn’t expect Bryce to solve them for her. He wouldn’t a
lways be here. She had to learn to stand on her own two feet.
“Thank you for the offer, but the store is the way I will support myself, so it’s my responsibility.”
“Don’t get your back up. I just want you to know I’ll be here if you need help.”
“That’s not what take care of you means where I come from.”
“What does in mean in St. Louis?”
Abby was having difficulty understanding just how Bryce saw his relationship with women. She had been born into a rigid social structure where the lines of acceptable behavior were clearly drawn. A man’s relationship with a woman was intended to lead to marriage or he kept his distance. Friendship could exist between men and women who’d grown up together, but it faded after marriage. Except for a kiss on the hand or possibly a welcoming kiss on the cheek, physical contact was not allowed. Apparently society people behaved differently.
He didn’t appear to be any more than moderately attracted to her, but her physical attraction to him was almost too strong for her to control. She had never considered making love to any man except her husband, yet she’d thought about making love to Bryce. And it petrified her.
“Where I come from it means you’re in love and you want to get married,” she said.
Bryce looked taken aback. “That’s quite a mouthful.”
“Which is why people don’t say it unless they mean it” It was obvious from his alarm that he hadn’t meant his words that way. “We’d better get back before Lieutenant Collier sends a search party for us.”
“He knows I won’t get lost.”
“Tomorrow will be another long day. I’m tired. I’m not used to riding so much.” She started back without waiting for him. She would have enough trouble sleeping in the same tent with him. The situation wouldn’t be made easier if she let him kiss her. She shouldn’t have let him hold her. She could still feel his arms around her. She would probably feel them all night “I’ll let you get ready first,” Bryce said.
Abby ducked inside the tent. She felt uneasy yet excited. And she didn’t feel the least bit cold. Rather, she felt too warm.
It’s knowing you’re going to be sleeping in the same tent as Bryce.
Why had she done it? Could it be just that she felt guilty for taking Bryce’s tent? She couldn’t be sure, but some impulse had caused her to refuse to drive Bryce from his tent. She was stuck with that decision now, so mere was no point thinking about it anymore. She took off her dress, folded it up, and lay down on the cot. It felt as hard as the ground. She turned over to get more comfortable and ended up on the ground.
“Are you all right?” Bryce asked. Apparently he hadn’t gone far.
“I just fell out of the cot,” she said, half laughing, half angry with herself.
“Be careful to stay in the middle when you turn over.”
How could she do that when she was asleep? She set the cot up and got back in, but turning over nearly dumped her on the ground again. She’d never survive the night. She folded the cot and spread her blanket on the ground. It was a little hard, but not uncomfortable. It would be better to put up with the discomfort for one night than worry all night about falling.
“You can come in,” she called to Bryce.
“Why aren’t you using the cot?” Bryce asked when he entered.
“Because I feel safer on the ground. You can use it”
“Not if you sleep on the ground.”
“There’s no reason for both of us to sleep on the ground.”
“If my commander ever found out I slept on a cot while a lady slept on the ground, I’d lose my rank.”
“Even though it’s my choice?”
“Even then.”
“That’s stupid.”
“Probably, but that’s the way things work. Do you have enough blankets?”
“Stop worrying about me and go to sleep.”
Abby was acutely aware of every sound Bryce made. She couldn’t see anything after he closed the flap, but he was so close she could reach out and touch him if she wanted. She wanted, but she wouldn’t let herself. She kept reminding herself that she’d decided the love and passion she felt weren’t enough. There had to be love and passion and commitment on his part, but that wasn’t going to happen so it was more than past time she stopped thinking about making love with him.
But she couldn’t stop with him only inches away. Somehow in the dark, the future she tried so hard not to think about seemed possible. Here in this tent, in the dark, miles away from all the problems that beset their lives, she felt free of restraint. Something about being around Bryce made her feel that wasn’t all bad. In the back of her head an insidious little voice kept whispering that her life would be better than ever if she would only give in and let Bryce make love to her.
“Are you asleep?”
Abby knew she should remain quiet. Bryce couldn’t have anything new to tell her. Still, she couldn’t pretend sleep. She had to know what he wanted to say.
Bryce knew she hadn’t had time to fall asleep. Her breathing was still too rapid, too heavy. He shouldn’t have waited until now to talk to her, but they hadn’t had any time alone since they’d left the fort.
And all that time he’d been thinking. He’d thought about Abby. And himself. And Pamela. He’d thought of his future, the plans he’d made, the expectations of his family, of the army. Yesterday he’d realized what he wanted had changed without his being aware of it, and Abby was the reason. It had taken him the best part of a day to work out what the changes meant. Now he thought he knew.
“I’m still awake,” Abby said.
The tension in Bryce’s body eased. He’d crossed the first hurdle, but he wasn’t sure where to start.
“We got off on the wrong foot in the beginning, didn’t we?”
“I wouldn’t say that. I wanted to make my store a success. You didn’t want trouble to keep you from being posted back East. We soon realized all we had to do was work together.”
“I came to realize more than that.”
She wasn’t going to make this easy. He was certain she liked him. He felt it every time she made an extra effort to stay away from him. He felt it when she was willing to sleep in a smoky trading post rather than spend a few more nights in his house. He felt it every time she looked at him, then turned away.
“You can’t be truly interested in me,” Abby said. “You’ve been dogging my footsteps only to make certain I didn’t do anything to cause trouble. You’re waiting until you go home to look for a wife. You told me you were going to pick one out for your career, not for love.”
“I’ve changed my mind.”
“About what?”
“Choosing a wife for the job, not for love.”
“Why?”
“Because I’ve fallen in love.”
Chapter Twenty-two
Abby didn’t make a sound. She couldn’t.
“Don’t you want to know who I’ve fallen in love with?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I think you’ve confused love with something else.”
“I didn’t recognize it at first. I thought it was a purely physical attraction for a pretty woman.”
“And when did you realize it was something more?”
Abby held her breath. She didn’t want Bryce to go on. She was afraid to believe that he had truly changed his mind.
“Yesterday.”
She’d expected him to say the night she sat up with Pamela. Or the fire. Some men tended to fall in love with women they rescued.
“What changed your mind?”
“It was a lot of things. But if I had to point to one, I would say it was your courage.”
“I’m not courageous.”
“And your determination.”
“You mean stubbornness.”
A rustling of the bedroll and Bryce’s hand touching her arm told her he had closed the space that separated them. She wanted to pull her hand away, but some impu
lse caused her to reach for him. Apparently her brain still hadn’t overcome her heart’s hope that Bryce could love her.
“Stubbornness can be good,” Bryce said. “In you it is.”
“That’s not what you said at first.”
“I was wrong. I was too busy thinking about myself. When you told me you didn’t want a relationship, something in me wouldn’t give up. I knew I wanted you. When I saw you with Pamela, I knew I needed you.”
He wanted a mother for his daughter, a wife for his career, but did he want a lover for himself? She would like to be Pamela’s mother. She wouldn’t mind helping him with his career once she learned what to do, but he would have to want her for himself. He would have to love her.
”Tell me why you think you need me,” Abby said.
“Because I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop wanting you.”
That was good, but it wasn’t good enough. Maybe he couldn’t stop thinking about her, wanting her, because she was the only woman present and he’d been without a woman for a long time. She wanted to be the only woman he wanted regardless of the number he had to choose from.
“You’ve even made me question what I want to do with my life.”
That sounded much more promising. “How do you mean?”
“I realized that while I might like to go back East, I enjoy the work I’m doing now.”
“You mean you’d give up a Washington, D.C., appointment?”
“If mat’s what it takes to make you consider marrying me.
“You don’t have to give up anything to make me consider marrying you,” Abby said. “You only have to love me.
Bryce covered the rest of the distance between them. His arms went around Abby and his lips met hers in a passionate kiss. She didn’t know how they found each other so easily in the dark, but it didn’t matter. They had found each other.
“I love you more than I thought I could love anyone,” he said. “I was afraid to let myself fall in love because I made such a mistake the first time. I married despite knowing there were a dozen reasons why I shouldn’t. But this is different. I can think of more than a dozen good reasons why I should love you.”
Abby thought of all the reasons she had for never marrying, and suddenly they didn’t seem very important. She’d probably come up with them as a defense against getting hurt again. When she’d fallen in love with Bryce, she’d used them as weapons to keep herself from letting down the final barriers. Now that he said he loved her, her resistance collapsed.
The Independent Bride Page 26
