Heart Wish

by Mary Crawford

  Bonnie collapses against the leather stool and fans herself.

  “Mom! Are you okay,?” Jameson shouts through the monitor. Wesley jumps up from his seat and checks his wife’s pulse. I sprint over with a wet washcloth and lay it on her forehead as I try not to panic.

  Bonnie immediately yanks it off. “Just tell me one more time that my baby is okay and let me see him. I’ll be fine.”

  Toby appears on-screen. He fiddles with his collar and clears his throat before uttering one, simple syllable. “Hi.”

  “Oh thank God! I am afraid to believe my eyes. You are alive and in one piece. Is this real? You look just like your uncle, Micah. You’re so grown-up — I can’t believe it!” She lets out a sobbing breath. “I hardly recognize you!” Bonnie gets up from her seat and walks over and touches the monitor with her fingers. “Your mole is still there.” She shakes her head in disbelief. “My brother would get such a kick out of this. You look exactly like him!”

  Wesley’s eyes tear up. “I missed you so much, son. I never thought I’d see this day. Are you okay?”

  Toby shrugs. “I guess. I just wanted you to see I’m alive— but I want this all to be over. I just want a regular life. ”

  “I wish we could give that to you, but that option was taken away from us years ago. I don’t think regular is a choice anymore,” Wesley answers sadly.

  “I deserve a chance to just live. I had to pretend to be someone I’m not for years. I want to be Tobias Payne — some anonymous dude from nowhere.”

  “But you’re not a nobody,” Bonnie protests. “You are Toby Payne, beloved son, and brother from Cottage Grove, Oregon.”

  “No Mom! I don’t think you understand. I can’t be that kid anymore. I mean, it’s been cool hanging out with Jameson, but it’s not the same as it used to be. It’s not really like he’s my brother.”

  Jameson reacts as if Toby physically punched him. “That’s not true. I’ll always be your brother.”

  “I was kidnapped and you all went on with your lives as if I never existed. It’s not as if anything will change if I go on with my life without you guys in it. You all have done okay without me. So, y’all know I’m fine now. I’m sorry it has to be this way. I don’t want to be known as some weirdo.”

  Wesley’s expression hardens as he absorbs his son’s words. “That’s not true. We missed you every single day. I understand there are no easy choices — but, I think you should consider your options a little more carefully. What about a place to live and a job? How are you going to handle it when your kidnapper goes to trial? We’re your family. We should be there for you —”

  “If you care so much about being a family, where have you been all these years?” Toby looks away from the camera and bristles. “Screw it. I’ll just do what I always do — figure it out. If you knew what I have gone through, you’d know I can pull it together and deal with all that crap.” Toby turns to Jameson and says, “I’m done here.” He looks into the camera and adds “Later.”

  Bonnie lets out a horrified gasp as the monitor turns black. She sobs and runs toward Wesley’s chair. She buries her head in his chest. “This is a nightmare, right? Our son was here, and now he’s gone and he hates us and —”

  “Bonnie Bella,” he coos softly. “Tobias is alive.” Wesley gently embraces his wife. “That’s what we found out today. He’s been through the ringer. He’s only a teenager. That kid can’t be relied on to make solid decisions. No one could in his shoes. We’re teachers, remember — we know this. Even under the best of circumstances, kids his age say irrational things when they are scared. That boy was more frightened than he’d want to admit, despite what he says.”

  “You think so?” Bonnie asks. “What if he never makes contact with us again?” She looks up at me with pleading eyes. “This is almost worse than not knowing. When I didn’t know anything, I couldn’t know he hates us and doesn’t want anything to do with our family. What was I thinking? Of course, he hates us. We let him rot in the arms of the monster for years.” Bonnie collapses against the studio wall and begins to sob. “Now, Toby has to go through a trial and his life might as well be lived straight out of the tabloids. He’s willing to turn his back on anybody he’s ever known to avoid the exposure. How tragic is that?”

  “It’s pretty tragic,” I agree.

  “Bet you’re not going to put our little testimonial in your company’s brochure,” Wesley remarks bitterly.

  “I’m sorry, I wish things had worked out differently.”

  My teeth chatter as I rinse the soap from my hair. Even my fragrant candles have given up the fight as they start to flicker out. I examine the shriveled skin on my fingers — it seems my ‘tub therapy’ session has run excessively long, even for me.

  After Will tried his best to patch the Paynes’ up and put a positive spin on things, he drove us home and retreated to the den as he muttered something about needing to get ideas down on paper. I don’t blame him. I’m not much fun to be around right now.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I see the whimsical sunflower candle Bonnie Payne gave me during happier times. I smile as I remember how tickled she was when she gave me the little ceramic candleholder. She joked that I could finally “grow” my beloved sunflowers anywhere, even around books and fences.

  Happier times.

  Today was supposed to be happy. My mind is spinning. I’m still not sure what went wrong. I’ve gone to training sessions where they’ve told stories about reunifications that didn’t go well, but in all my years of working at Locate My Heart, I’ve never personally seen it. It’s heartbreaking. It makes me question everything I’ve done over the years. What if happy really isn’t happy?

  “Are you decent, Kendie?” my brother yells into the master suite.

  I look at the fleece robe I’m wearing as I stuff a tissue in the pocket. “Yeah.”

  Will comes around the corner and sits on my bed. He quirks an eyebrow at my Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer robe. “Cute and warm.”

  “White elephant gift exchange at work — but no one realized I’m so weird I actually like it,” I explain.

  Will seems unusually hesitant as he digs something out of his jeans pocket. “You have to solve this. You fix everything — you are the logical, calm one. Everyone listens to you.”

  He hands me a black credit card with my name on it. “Anything you want, put it on this card. It comes with all sorts of fancy travel benefits too. Just let them know what you need.”

  “Wills, it’s a good thought. But, I don’t know if I can change anything. This is all emotional gut reaction.”

  “But you don’t know you can’t change things. Give him more to react to. All he has right now is the word of his kidnapper. Go tell Toby the truth. All the truths — Bonnie’s truth, Wesley’s truth, your truth... I don’t know... our truth even. Let him know what it all means.”

  “What about Jameson?” I ask, as I suck a breath and start to make plans. It’s scary how much William and I think alike. I was already considering talking directly to Toby. Of course, going to speak to him face-to-face wasn’t even on my radar.

  “I don’t think that’s going to be a problem. Wesley just called me and asked if I could go and pick up Jameson at the airport tomorrow night. Jameson is going to go check in with his job in Florida and then he’ll be back in Oregon. Wesley doesn’t think Bonnie is up to driving to Portland.”

  Will checks his phone. “It’s five forty-seven now. There is an eight fifty flight that lands in Huntington, West Virginia.”

  “Is this crazy? We don’t even know where Toby is! Jameson is going to be pissed at me for going behind his back,” I protest.

  “Face it, Sis. Things are already rocky between you and Jameson; they can’t get much worse. We’re going for the greater good here. The rest of it can be fixed later. We might not know where Toby Payne is, but Tristan Macklin knows everything about everyone at all times. I’m sure he knows when Toby Payne brushed his teeth last. If you explain
to him what you’re doing, I’m sure he’ll help us.”

  “I guess the only question is, are you coming with me?”

  “No, I better stay behind. I need to go pick up Jameson at the airport and help him with his parents. For some reason, I remind Bonnie Payne of every incorrigible student she’s ever taught over the years. It has endeared me to her. Who knows? If I had teachers like her when I was in school, I might’ve liked it better.”

  “Go on, get your bad self out of here so I can get dressed and packed.”

  When I text Tristan Macklin with the plan, along with Toby’s location, his only reply is “Thank God not everyone is giving up. Godspeed!”

  The surprised expression on Toby’s face is comical when he opens his hotel room door. “If you’re looking for my brother, he’s on his way back to Oregon. If you’re not, I’m not into that kind of thing. I don’t poach.”

  I wrinkle my nose. “Eww! Nobody was asking you to.”

  “Barboursville is a long way from Duck country. Can’t tell me you were just in the neighborhood. If you’re not here to play kissy-face with my brother, why are you here?” Toby asks as he steps aside to let me in.

  I hold up the shopping bags I brought. “I got you some stuff. I was hoping we could talk for a while.”

  The first thing I notice when I look around the hotel room is how compulsively tidy it is. Even Toby’s belongings are folded with military precision. Jameson is neat, but not that neat.

  After I set the bags on the bed, I remove an object from the largest one and hand Toby a box. “I have to tell you, I had to think hard about this. Jameson has turned me into a Mac fan — but, I chose Windows for the Xbox thingamajig. My brother tells me you’d like the Windows platform better because of the game thing — so, I picked that —” I ramble breathlessly.

  “Hey! Wait a second … umm … was your name Kensie?”

  “Close. It’s Kendall.”

  “Kendall, why did you get me a computer?”

  “I figured you probably need one to look for a job. Wait until you see what else I got you. There’s a sweet little printer, so you can do resumes and cover letters too.”

  “Why do you care what happens to me? You’re just my brother’s girl.”

  I look down at my feet and trace the design of the carpet with my toe as I admit, “I actually don’t know where I stand with Jameson right now. That’s not why I’m here.”

  “Can we get on with it? Stop trying to pretend like you’re Santa Claus and presents are going to make it all better. Because trust me, presents don’t fix anything. You can skip right to the part where you tell me that all my decisions are garbage and I can’t possibly be old enough to understand the consequences of my choices,” he challenges as he glares at me.

  “Believe it or not, that wasn’t my plan. I just came out here to tell you some things you probably don’t know. I’m an outsider. I don’t know all the information law enforcement or even your brother knows. He hasn’t shared much with me. What I do know is that a person kidnapped you and held you hostage for a number of years. She had influence over what you saw, what you read, and who you had access to. You’ve only heard one side of the story. Chances are, whoever this person is, she’s probably pretty unbalanced. If she was healthy and whole, she would’ve never kidnapped you to begin with. So, that leads me to believe that all the information she gave you is suspect. It stands to reason, right?”

  “Unbalanced. Yeah, that pretty much sums up Rapture Borges in a word.”

  “That must’ve been frightening — but, that’s not all of it, is it? If it were, it would be easier. You had to learn to count on this Rapture lady. For better or for worse, the two of you became a family, whether you wanted to or not. It probably makes it hard to just hate her and everything about her. It also makes it hard to decide what’s fact and what’s fiction.”

  Toby scowls at me. “What makes you think you know anything about anything?”

  I shrug. “I might not.”

  “So, what do you want to tell me? What do you know that I don’t?” Toby challenges.

  “You seem to be under the impression that your parents and your friends lives just went on without a blip after Rapture kidnapped you. I want to tell you about the chain of events she unleashed.”

  “Oh great, you’re going to blame me like everyone else?”

  “No! I don’t blame you for anything. This is all Rapture’s fault. You seem to believe because of what Rapture told you that no one cared, no one looked for you, or it didn’t have any impact on anyone’s lives except you and her. I’m here to tell you the other side of the story.”

  “I bet you and Jameson are playing some sort of weird game of good cop/bad cop. He probably thinks I need some freakin’ babysitter or something.”

  “Jameson has no idea I’m here. This is on me.”

  “Why bother with me? Why do I matter to you? Does your agency get some sort of kickback or money from YouTube videos or something?”

  “Nope. Locate My Heart gets nothing from reunions, successful or otherwise. We’re only trying to help families.”

  “So, what’s in it for you?”

  I take a deep breath and share my truth. “Once upon a time, I had a son.” I choke over the words as a fresh wave of pain hits. “His name was Quinn. I went to the grocery store one day, and I didn’t take them with me because he was sick and I was exhausted. I left him with my fiancé. Quinn went down for a nap and never woke up. I’ll never get a chance for a reunion with my son. Ever. I regret that I was tired and cranky. Every day I question my decision about whether I should’ve brought him to the grocery store with me or whether I should have gone to the grocery store all. Every day, I want to take back the thought I had on the way over to the store about how great it was that it was quiet. To this day, I can’t walk into a quiet room without my heart hurting.”

  “I’m sorry. That’s sad — but what does that have to do with me?”

  “You asked me why I care and what’s in it for me. That’s my answer. I do it for Quinn. If I can help other families not have to say goodbye forever, it feels like a win against evil. Quinn would be starting kindergarten this year, and I miss him every single day.”

  “Not all parents care as much as you do,” Toby argues.

  “It’s true. Some don’t. But your family doesn’t fall into that category — not by a long shot. Do you know the reason your mother doesn’t teach school anymore it’s because she developed broken heart syndrome after Rapture kidnapped you? The news of your kidnapping literally fractured her heart muscle.”

  “When I didn’t believe that terrorists took my parents anymore, Rapture told me the reason my mom wasn’t out searching for me was because Mom didn’t care that I was missing,” Toby admits. “Is she going to be okay?”

  “I don’t know all the details, but I understand there was some damage to the heart wall during the incident. If your mom was not out actively searching for you, it was because she couldn’t. Your mom had to withdraw from all of her social circles and retire from her job because she couldn’t handle the stress of everything. She had to focus on getting better.”

  “What about my dad? Rapture said if he wanted to, Dad could call up all of his ex-military buddies and they would’ve formed a posse to come get me. But he didn’t.”

  “Your dad did just about everything short of that. The only reason he didn’t do that is because that stuff only happens in the movies. Your dad took out second and third mortgages on his house to finance people to go search for you. He would drive around for hours and hours searching every single place he thought you might be. If he heard a rumor or saw an obscure news report, he would go chasing after it no matter how far-fetched. He finally had to give up his teaching career because it made him too sad to see children who were not you,” I explain.

  “What about Jameson?” Toby asks. “Why didn’t he do anything with his military connections? Rapture said if Jameson wanted to, he could’ve found her
through her connections at the Pentagon.”

  “I don’t know anything about that. But I do know your brother left the military to take care of your mom and dad. After your mom felt better, he worked hard to land a job at Identity Bank which specializes in searching for people. Because he knew opening another search would upset your parents, he quietly learned the surveillance techniques of Identity Bank and tried to apply them to your case.”

  “So, basically what you’re telling me is Rapture is full of it, and I shouldn’t believe her about the sex-slave thing either?” Toby asks me pointedly.

  “I’m not telling you anything. I’m just laying out the facts. Your mom has a broken heart without you in her life, and your dad sacrificed nearly everything he had. Jameson gave up a career in the military to take an active part in the search for you. Your family has never turned their backs on you. Even if you can start over anonymously, there won’t be a single day when your family doesn’t wake up with awful, searing pain in their hearts. Your disappearance wasn’t some blip on the radar for them. It wrote on the souls of who they are and changed them forever.”

  “It changed me too,” Toby argues.

  “It did. It most certainly did,” I concede. “That’s why you need your family around you to help you remember what’s real when you have to go up against Rapture Borges.”

  “I watch YouTube videos. I know what happens when kidnapping victims get reunited with their families. All sorts of false stories get spread around.”

  “Before I leave Locate My Heart, I’ll work with Tristan at Identity Bank to come up with a plan to make sure your exposure to negative press coverage is minimal.”

  “Leaving? You’re leaving your job because of me? Jameson told me you were the reason I was found,” Toby asks as his jaw goes slack.

  I sigh as I shake my head. “It’s not as simple as that. It doesn’t have anything to do with you personally, except for the fact that I’m in love with your brother.”