Daisies Are Forever

by Liz Tolsma

  What did she say? Wiping her face, Audra turned back. “You would take me with you? You really would?”

  “I would help you get a visa to come, help you get started.”

  “Why? All I’ve tried to do is keep Josep from you. For my sake. For Kurt’s sake. He asked me to work with him.”

  “We know. Josep and I have known since one of the first nights we were here.”

  “Then I truly do not know why you would offer to help me. I don’t deserve it.”

  Gisela’s brow furrowed. “Everyone deserves a fresh start.”

  “What do you want in return?” The price might be too high. The last of her tears dried. Gisela must want something.

  “Your friendship. Nothing more.”

  “You want more than that.”

  “Nein.” Gisela rubbed her brow. “Everyone makes mistakes. If we could go back in time and make different choices, we would. Each of us. But we can do nothing but move forward. I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life. God has forgiven me for each and every one, washed me clean in His Son’s blood. Given me redemption. That is what I’m offering to you.”

  “Redemption?”

  “Something like that. Not from me. From the Lord.”

  From deep inside her welled a spring of tears. She couldn’t stop them from running down her cheeks, even though they washed away the coal dust. And her sins.

  The men returned to the bunker as the shelling continued, fiercer than ever. The noises of battle came from within the heart of the city. The Reichstag building must have fallen by now. Deep underground, below the Red Army’s boots, was Hitler’s bunker.

  For Gisela, the hours passed with maddening slowness. Together they ate their meager meals. Jorgen carved little horses for Annelies and Renate, who played on the large blue-and-green rag rug in the middle of the concrete floor.

  Drunken Russians soldiers, imbibing confiscated liquor for their May Day celebration, roamed the streets. The screams of the women being raped threatened to overwhelm her. How could she stand this any longer? Oh, that the cries outside would stop. That the cries in her memory would cease.

  Darkness fell, deepening the shadows in the cellar. Outside, nothing stopped. The inebriated victors celebrated by molesting as many women as they could find. Annelies, Renate, and the old ladies fell asleep.

  Tonight Frau Mueller pulled out the rectangular brown Bakelite radio set with its arched dial. Since the Russians had ordered all radios to be turned in a few days ago, she had hidden this battery-operated unit under the bottom stair. The victors wanted to take these magical boxes to Russia with them, not understanding that most needed electricity to make them work. Electricity they didn’t have.

  Mitch came to Gisela and pulled her close. She trembled against him. “I can’t make the noises go away.”

  “Focus on God. He brings us through the raging waters.”

  “Isaiah 43:2. I’ve been reading that. My opa quoted it to me right before we left Heiligenbeil.”

  “Cling to it.”

  “I miss him terribly. I can’t stand to think what happened to him.”

  “Then don’t. Remember the good.”

  “And you too. Remember the good. The good of your time with Xavier. The good of the time with your father.”

  Frau Mueller turned the knob and the radio crackled to life. The adults sat on the davenport, huddled around it.

  Surprise rippled through the group with the first words they heard.

  “Achtung! Achtung! The German broadcasting system is going to give an important German government announcement for the German people.”

  But no statement came. The broadcast turned to classical music.

  Gisela hugged herself. “What could that be about?”

  “I didn’t understand all of it.” Mitch’s voice held a trace of worry.

  “A special announcement. Not from the Führer, but the German government.”

  Kurt moved beside her. He rubbed his hands together. “News of a great victory, no doubt.”

  But doubt it Gisela did. The sounds outside their cellar were not the sounds of triumph but of utter defeat.

  They sat, hardly daring to breathe, not daring to move.

  Just before ten o’clock, the achtung warning was given again and the broadcaster began to play the slow movement of Bruckner’s Symphony no. 7, a well-recognized piece of music in Germany.

  Gisela worried the cuff of her sleeve with her fingers. “How long are they going to make us wait? The batteries will die before we find out what they are going to say.”

  Mitch took her hand in his. “All in good time.”

  She jiggled her leg for a while, then paced the small room. Bettina and Katya snored so loudly Gisela was sure they would drown out the radio. The minutes ticked by. How long was this music?

  It was close to ten thirty when the music came to an abrupt stop. Three drum rolls followed. Gisela couldn’t swallow.

  “It is reported from Der Führer’s headquarters that our führer Adolf Hitler, fighting to the last breath against Bolshevism, fell for Germany this afternoon in his operational headquarters in the Reich Chancellery.”

  A collective gasp went up. Gisela bit back tears. Could it really be true? Might this be over? Mitch slipped his arm around her waist.

  “On 30 April, Der Führer appointed Grand Admiral Dönitz his successor. The grand admiral and successor of Der Führer now speaks to the German people.”

  Admiral Dönitz took the microphone. “German men and women, soldiers of the armed forces: Our Führer, Adolf Hitler, has fallen. In the deepest sorrow and respect, the German people bow.”

  So it was true. Dear God, You are our Savior.

  Her tears flowed freely, as did those of the other cellar residents. All except for Kurt. He hardened his face and clenched his hand. While the others rejoiced, he mourned. It must be hard to know your sacrifice had been in vain.

  With her thoughts whirring, she missed some of the admiral’s remarks. She concentrated on his words once more.

  “It is my first task to save Germany from destruction by the advancing Bolshevist enemy. For this aim alone the military struggle continues. As far and for so long as achievement of this aim is impeded by the British and the Americans, we shall be forced to carry on our defensive fight against them as well. Under such conditions, however, the Anglo-Americans will continue the war not for their own peoples but solely for the spreading of Bolshevism in Europe.

  “What the German people have achieved in battle and borne in the homeland during the struggle of this war is unique in history. In the coming time of need and crisis of our people, I shall endeavor to establish tolerable conditions of living for our women, men, and children so far as this lies in my power.

  “For all this I need your help. Give me your confidence because your road is mine as well. Maintain order and discipline in town and country. Let everybody do his duty at his own post. Only thus shall we mitigate the sufferings that the coming time will bring to each of us; only thus shall we be able to prevent a collapse. If we do all that is in our power, God will not forsake us after so much suffering and sacrifice.”

  Gisela’s knees buckled and Mitch led her back to the couch. “It’s not over.”

  He shook his head. His trademark dimples had disappeared. “No, it’s not.”

  Wracking sobs overtook her.

  He drew her close and held her, whispering words into her hair she couldn’t understand.

  Kurt rubbed her back. “I know Der Führer’s death is a great blow, but you heard Admiral Dönitz. The fight continues and we will be victorious.”

  “No one will win. This will never end.” Her tears soaked Mitch’s shirt.

  “It will. It will.”

  But Gisela saw no end in sight. With or without the Führer.

  May 2

  Mitch sat on the long wood bench in the cellar, bouncing Renate on his knee. His attention, however, was focused on Gisela. She lay on the bed, eyes glazed,
hair tangled.

  He was at a loss as to what to do. She became despondent when Dönitz announced the war would continue. How could he help her?

  Today was quieter. Perhaps he imagined it, but the fighting seemed to have subsided a bit. At least moved farther away.

  Was it the calm before the storm? Or the harbinger of peace?

  After the rest had finished their meager lunch, Mitch went to Gisela. She rolled over and opened her eyes. Red rimmed them and dark bags hung under them.

  “Sit up, please. Eat a little bit.”

  She complied, nibbling at the crumbling piece of stale bread. It had to be comprised of at least half sawdust. But they ate it, hungry stomachs winning the battle.

  He stroked her hair, longing to draw a brush through her soft brown tresses. Even broken as she was at this moment, she was beautiful.

  No matter what it took, they would survive this ordeal. When they did, he intended to make her his own. Even if he had to fight Kurt again for her.

  “Are you feeling better?”

  She gave a slight nod but no smile. He missed the light in her eyes and the brightness in her face.

  And suddenly, the guns and Stalinorgels fell quiet. For the first time in weeks, the air was still. Not a soul stirred.

  It was not like the church-quiet from his childhood—holy and serene. It was a fragile quiet. At any moment, it might shatter and the bone-rattling noise would start once more.

  For a while, the momentary peace held. No one in the cellar spoke. To do so would bring the war crashing around them.

  A truck passed down the street, its engine the only sound in the neighborhood.

  A blaring message pierced the air. “General Wilding has surrendered Berlin. Cease all fighting immediately. Berlin has fallen.”

  The message repeated several times before Mitch understood its full implication.

  Berlin had come under complete Red Army control.

  With Hitler dead and the German capital in enemy hands, it would be a matter of days before the most horrific war in European history would end.

  Mitch couldn’t help it. He whooped and his feet moved of their own volition and he danced a jig. Annelies and Renate laughed and joined in the festivities. They were the only celebrants.

  Gisela frowned. “This isn’t a time to rejoice. Look how many hundreds of thousands, even millions, have died. Life will never be the same. Under Stalin, nothing will change.” She pinched her nose and swallowed hard.

  His momentary joy evaporated.

  Gisela crushed the bread crust in her hand. “The nightmare has only begun.”

  THIRTY-SIX

  May 4

  Wild Soviet troops patrolled the streets. They screeched, “Germanski kaput, Berlin kaput,” and looted whatever they touched.

  From her perch on the shelter’s wood bench, Gisela listened as the Russians entered the houses around them. How many times had the women in them been raped? Frau Mueller’s sign was a blessing.

  And the only thing keeping her from the same fate.

  But what about Mutti? Had God spared her?

  That this carnage continued was insanity. The world had gone mad. Hitler had taken everything. Stalin demanded more.

  She couldn’t sit still. She walked a circuit around the cramped room several times. This must be what it was like in prison. Like it was for Mitch in the camp. She was a caged bird, beating her wings against the bars.

  She couldn’t breathe anymore. With ten people down here, the place was cramped. They ate together, slept together, fought together. The stench from the overflowing toilet upstairs permeated even to the cellar. The odor of all of those unwashed bodies was almost too much to bear.

  Mitch teased her about going crackers, but she believed she might be on the verge of insanity if she stayed put one more minute.

  After a while, the street in front of them quieted. The Soviets must have satiated themselves for the time being.

  Good. She had to get outside.

  Without a word to anyone, she slipped out of the room. While this usually meant a hurried trip to the bathroom, she went to the back door. The men had slid a desk in front of it. She moved the piece of furniture, unbolted the door, and slipped through.

  Her hand froze on the door frame. The destruction of Vater’s beloved city was complete. Not a single building remained unscathed. Berlin had become a burned-out ghost town. She half expected tumbleweeds to blow down the street.

  She inhaled, hoping for a lungful of fresh air. But even out here, it was not meant to be. The smells of death and destruction were too strong. Instead, she covered her nose with her handkerchief so she wouldn’t gag.

  A quick look to the left and then to the right assured her no Soviet troops patrolled the area at the moment. With haste, she made her way to their bombed-out apartment building. The notice for Mutti had disappeared. Perhaps a vagabond had scoured the area for any useful item. Perhaps a Red Army soldier had removed it on purpose.

  Mutti would never find them. Neither would Vater.

  Gisela climbed over the rubble, searching for the brick with the message. She slid on the unstable pile and scraped her knee. She couldn’t find it.

  For as long as she could, she sifted through the debris, not knowing what she was searching for. Some clue about Mutti’s whereabouts? Some sign that she was alive? Or dead?

  Whatever her search, it proved fruitless. Once more, she climbed over the pile. Her left foot slid in between two bricks at a strange angle and pain ripped up her leg. She bit back a whimper and fell on top of the debris, the sharp edges of bricks digging into her backside.

  Oh Lord, please take me home. End this misery for me.

  Mitch played horsey with the girls until his bony knees ached from the hard concrete floor. He sat back on his haunches. “Everybody off. The horse is tired.”

  Annelies turned her sad gray eyes to him. “Bitte, Onkel Josep, just one more ride?”

  Her expression almost did him in. He hated to disappoint her.

  Renate clapped her hands. “Me too.”

  “Later. I promise. The horse has to rest. Play with Tante Gisela.”

  Annelies stomped her little foot. “She isn’t here.”

  Mitch surveyed the room. She was right. Gisela had left to use the loo awhile ago and hadn’t returned. He hopped to his feet, his knees protesting. Had she gotten sick?

  “You stay with Tante Audra while I look for her.” He nodded in her direction and she nodded back, some expression in her green eyes he couldn’t read.

  He took the steps two at a time, the upstairs cold and dark. The door to the loo stood ajar. “Gisela? Are you in there? Are you sick?”

  No answer. He dared to take a peek. The room was empty.

  He searched the other rooms. No sign of her. In her state, there was no telling where she might have gone. Doubting she had left the building, he conducted a thorough search, up and down and underneath and behind.

  Fruitless. All of it fruitless.

  With trembling legs, he climbed to the attic. Suicides were rampant in the city. Before they had been confined to the basement, they had heard reports of hundreds of women taking their own lives, either because they had been raped or so the Soviets wouldn’t touch them.

  The attic stairs creaked under his weight and he held his breath.

  No Gisela. He released the air from his lungs and relaxed against the wall.

  But if she wasn’t here, where was she?

  Gisela sat amid the rubble of what had been her home. Amid the rubble of her life, a light mist fell.

  Her heart ached for Mutti and Vater. Where were they? Were they alive? And what about Ella and Opa? Gisela might never get the answers to those questions.

  The war had torn so much apart that it could never be repaired.

  She lifted her face to the heavens. This is not fair, God. Not fair. I shouldn’t be here.

  Tears streamed unchecked down her cheeks. Her bloodied hands ached. Her heart could h
old no more.

  Then, from the corner of her eye, she spied a splash of green against white concrete. Instead of limping on her sore ankle, she crawled to the spot.

  Her daisy scarf had survived. She pushed aside the rubble to free it. It had unraveled in one spot, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed. The day was cool and damp enough that she didn’t feel funny about wrapping it around her neck.

  She recalled Mutti draping it over her shoulders as she stood on the train platform two years ago, bound for the east. “I won’t be there to comfort you, my darling, but this will keep you warm.”

  Three months ago, Ella had handed it to her on her way out the door, reminding her to keep bundled.

  She fingered the edge of it. The daisies had remained intact. She swiped away her remaining tears.

  “Remember, my Gisela, daisies are forever.”

  “O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name; thou art mine.”

  She had to cling to that hope—that one day, all would be restored. If not in this life, then in the next.

  Her heartache eased a little. Lord, please let my family survive. Reunite us.

  The Russian-imposed curfew would go into effect at four o’clock and she had no idea of the time. A shiver passed through her with the deepening chill.

  And the raucous voices of the Russians.

  Putting weight on her ankle proved to be painful. She winced as she stepped on her right foot, which then twisted slightly on the uneven ground. How would she ever get off of this rubble heap?

  A block away, a group of four Russian soldiers turned the corner and began walking down the street.

  In her direction.

  Mitch resigned himself to the fact that Gisela wasn’t in the house. Though he had a difficult time believing it, she must have gone out.

  The question remained—where? Seeing the desk pulled away from the back door confirmed his fears.