How to Have an Almost Perfect Marriage

by Mrs Stephen Fry

  THE GIFT LIST

  Whatever you do, make sure you provide all of your guests with a list of gifts you would like. Many large department stores offer this service which ensures you don’t end up with eight teapots (six should be enough for anyone). On the list, you can put a range of items varying in price from hideously expensive for closer and richer relatives to just a couple of pounds for distant relatives and cheapskates. To ensure we received gifts we both really wanted, Stephen and I drew up two lists – mine from British Home Stores and his, Bargain Booze.

  STAG AND HEN NIGHTS

  Otherwise known as Bachelor and Bachelorette parties, Stag and Hen nights have become as integral a part of the wedding as the reception, the photographs and, to an extent, the service. Over the years they have become more and more elaborate with many grooms now favouring an entire weekend of debauchery. As I recall, Stephen had a stag decade.

  HEN DOS AND DON’TS

  In years gone by, a bride-to-be’s hen night was a thoroughly respectable affair. While her future husband spent half the night chained to a parking meter minus his trousers after spending the other half carousing with dancing ladies of dubious repute minus his trousers, she was far more likely to be found at her mother’s home with a handful of close female friends and relatives engaging in far more genteel pursuits such as drinking tea and practising writing her married name.

  These days, however, things have taken a considerable turn for the worse. The so-called modern woman is no longer satisfied with such perfectly agreeable behaviour – she is far more likely to be found careering drunkenly from bar to bar dressed in nothing but an L plate and a g-string and, if anything, behaves even worse on her hen night.

  As if this type of display weren’t bad enough, high street stores have spotted a money-making opportunity and the modern bride-and bridesmaids-to-be can now be seen stumbling around in all manner of ridiculous, revealing outfits – sexy nurses, sexy devils, sexy police officers, sexy sewage workers – the list is endless. In comparison, the men appear drab and inconsequential – the opposite of the animal kingdom where it is generally the females who are the drab ones and the males wearing the sexy nurse costumes.

  It’s my firm belief that all this new-found pre-wedding equality has left today’s woman floundering, pressured into atypical behaviour due to this new social convention. To assist you poor, confused young ladies facing these choppy waters, I’ve provided a few simple don’ts and dos to help steer you safely through and keep your reputation and wedding plans intact.

  Don’t

  …drink alcohol. It lowers the inhibitions and you certainly don’t want to be doing that now, do you? Excessive consumption can make you behave in a manner unbefitting a young lady and lead you to make questionable decisions such as drinking a rack of exotically flavoured vodka shots instead of a nice glass of sparkling water, taking an unlicensed mini-cab home instead of a council-registered taxi or engaging in a three-in-a-bed romp with your fiancé’s brother and best friend instead of not engaging in a three-in-a-bed romp with your fiancé’s brother and best friend.

  …under any circumstances, allow your friends to book any unsolicited entertainment for the evening such as a male stripper or gorillagram (essentially a slightly hairier male stripper). Apart from the excruciating embarrassment the bride-to-be can feel whilst reluctantly engaging in lewd acts such as spanking and simulated banana consumption (or so I’m led to believe), there can be further complications should the gorillagram turn out to be the poor unfortunate girl’s future husband who somehow failed to mention his additional part-time career, preferring to tell her he was down the Dog & Duck every week-night, playing darts with his mates when he should have been at home helping her look after her six or seven children. For example.

  Do

  …wrap up snugly in a nice, robust jumper – ideally one with a kitten or other domestic pet on the front. Although many weddings, and consequently the associated hen nights, take place in the spring and summer it is best not to take any chances. To avoid finding yourself with a dose of influenza on your ‘big’ day, I also recommend you wear a thick pair of woollen tights, preferably brown or grey, to discourage any unwanted bacterial visits to your nether regions. Other items worth serious consideration are the following – a pair of mittens and a balaclava (if you don’t own a balaclava, a paper bag is an acceptable alternative). I find it’s also a good idea to avoid over-use of cosmetics such as foundation, blusher, mascara and lipstick – it only encourages the poor dears. I know only too well the curse of being irresistible to the opposite sex. My face may not have launched a thousand ships but it did once tip over a rowing boat.

  …above all, maintain a sense of decorum. Remember, you are not only representing your family but you are an ambassador for the whole of womankind. Every single one of your actions has the potential to undo centuries of female social evolution. The 21st century woman only has the freedom to behave how she likes because of the blood, sweat and toil of women like Emmeline Pankhurst and the suffragettes. Thanks to their unremitting bravery and dedication, you are now able to vote, to walk across uncovered puddles, to attend mixed gender public functions without fainting and drink beer from a pint glass without fear of electric shock treatment. Remember, when you head out to celebrate your impending nuptials you carry the weight of the past and the hopes and dreams of womankind on your shoulders. But above all, have a nice time.

  STAG DOS AND DON’TS

  Just don’t. Whatever it is.

  THE SERVICE

  In many ways, the service can be seen as the most important part of the wedding day – there’s the music, the flowers and a chance for a break from all that standing around making small talk with relatives you’ve never heard of or thought had died. And as if all this weren’t enough, there are the vows. When a bride and groom stand at the altar before their family and friends, they are declaring their love to the world and promising to dedicate the rest of their lives to each other. It can be a very solemn and meaningful moment – but it needn’t be. Stephen and I wrote our own vows in order to lighten the mood for ourselves and the congregation. Mine was a beautiful, uplifting, hour-long evocation of romance, passion and joy, quoting Keats, Wordsworth and Shelley. Stephen’s was a string of mother-in-law jokes.

  THE FLOWERS

  Another important consideration for your big day is the flowers. As well as floral displays for the church or wherever you are marrying, there’s the all-important bridal bouquet. This is a crucial aspect not only of the bride’s apparel but carries with it a further significance as, according to tradition, whoever catches the bouquet after she tosses it into the air at the end of the ceremony will be the next to marry. This can result in quite a hubbub as eager bridesmaids compete for the portentous foliage and the occasional severe injury, as was the case at my own wedding. On reflection, I probably should have had a regular bouquet rather than a yukka plant.

  MISCELLANEOUS

  Depending on the size of the congregation, you may also wish to choose a few ushers. Their job is to stand at the entrance of the church or registry office, hand out the orders of service and direct members of the bride’s and groom’s families to the appropriate side of the aisle. Of course, it doesn’t really matter where anyone sits – it’s just useful to have jobs to give to those too unreliable or stupid to be best man.

  In addition to the common traditions, some couples choose to celebrate their love in a more exuberant fashion, releasing a flock of doves during the ceremony. In a similar display, when we got married, Stephen released several of his pigeons into the air. Unfortunately, he hadn’t taken into account the vicar’s ornithophobia or the fact that they were homing pigeons and the ensuing scenes, as they flew as one into the eves before returning to the altar time and time again, were reminiscent of the more distressing scenes from Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds.

  AFTER THE SERVICE

  The P
hotographs

  Your wedding photographs are a lasting memory of what, for some people, is the most important day of your life and should not be taken lightly. Or with the lens cap on. In this digital age, couples have a number of ways of recording their ‘special’ day. One popular choice is the wedding video. In the past, these were basic affairs, often shot by an enthusiastic uncle and containing little more than a sequence of blurred, inaudible images (which, to be fair, is pretty much how Stephen remembers our wedding anyway). These days, however, modern technology means that even the most incompetent cameraman can produce an epic worthy of Richard Curtis or Quentin Tarantino. Crystal-clear scenes with perfect sound can be edited with the latest software to produce a delightful record of events with a Celine Dion soundtrack and all kinds of flashy visual effects. In fact, technology has moved on so far that Stephen has even suggested we renew our vows so that he can have a 3D High-definition video with CGI fireworks and a giant monkey-robot.

  If, however, your budget doesn’t run to such extravagances, don’t worry. Modern CCTV cameras can provide relatively un-grainy footage, as long as you’re happy to get married on a traffic island or in a branch of WHSmith. Fortunately for me and Stephen, the Shakin’ Stevens Chapel of Love was equipped with what for its time was relatively sophisticated recording equipment, due to one of its previous incarnations as a secure home for sexual offenders.

  The Reception

  While your choice of where to get married is important, it pales into insignificance compared to your choice of where to hold the wedding reception. These days, countless different types and styles of venue are available, from the traditional country hotel to the less traditional lap-dance club. There are many things to consider before making a booking – how many guests will be attending, what budget are you working with and do they do those funny little pink things? Things were so much easier in our day – it was either the Wimpy or, if your family had a bit of money, a Berni Inn.

  Once you’ve made your decision you need to draw up a seating plan, which can be rather more complicated than it sounds, depending on the internal politics of your family. You don’t want to make the kind of social faux pas that could result in the embarrassment of being seated at a table full of ex-girlfriends as in Four Weddings and a Funeral, or on a table full of monkeys as in The Jungle Book. Traditionally, the bride, groom, their parents, best man, chief bridesmaid and cake are seated at the top table but the rest is pretty much up to you. For me, it was relatively simple – my friends and family inside, Stephen’s outside.

  Entertainment

  After the meal, the speeches and the reading out of messages from those unable to attend owing to illness, geography or having something better to do, it’s customary to have some form of entertainment, most commonly a disco or band rather than a ventriloquist, as I kept telling Stephen. This gives female guests the opportunity to let their hair down in a tight circle round a pile of handbags, small children to injure themselves and males over the age of 40 to appear on YouTube.

  If you book a disco, make sure you check the disc jockey’s play list. Ideally, you should be aiming for a light, family-friendly pop assortment including such perennial wedding favourites as Dancing Queen, Build Me Up Buttercup and Oops Upside Your Head, rather than gangster rap or thrash metal. If live music is your preference but your budget is limited, there are any number of relatively inexpensive tribute bands that will guarantee to get your guests’ toes tapping and groins thrusting. Stephen’s favourites are Earth, Wind and Frank, Nearvana and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Emerson, Lake and Palmer.

  The Cake

  The true star of any wedding reception is the cake. It should stand proudly on the top table, a resplendent icing-covered monument to your hopes and dreams. And standing atop this marzipan monolith, a tiny bride and groom, or in our case a subbuteo player and a cocktail stirrer.

  The traditional wedding cake, a sturdy fruit cake designed to last decades, has, in recent years, given way to a number of more edible variations including chocolate fudge cake, éclair pyramids and even bizarre meringue-based structures. The following recipe has been in my family for generations – it was handed down to me by my mother, who in turn was given it by her mother, who was given it by her mother, who copied it out of a book.

  WEDDING CAKE RECIPE

  Ingredients

  800 grams of flour

  Half a dozen eggs

  Two cups of dried fruit

  The zest of three oranges

  One cup of understanding

  Two spoonfuls of love

  A gallon of patience

  A dash of forgiveness

  A hint of desperation

  A handful of crushed dreams

  150 grams of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better

  A bag of nerves, grated

  One big disappointment (bitter)

  Method

  Mix ingredients together in a large, empty container for several years until any zest has completely disappeared. Place in an un-preheated oven, together with your head, for as long as it takes.

  Serves: you right.

  You should have listened to your mother.

  Alternatively, get a nice Victoria sponge from the Co-op.

  Of course, your wedding guests can’t just eat cake – they’re not animals, or Stephen. You must make sure all tastes are catered for. Thankfully, the traditional wedding cheese and pineapple hedgehog covers all bases, providing sustenance for those who favour sweet and savoury, and woodland creatures. Another option guaranteed to please is that king of party platters, the prawn ring. (For wedding parties of 50 or more, simply scale up – a cheese and pineapple hog and a dolphin ring should cover it).

  If you’re looking for that wow factor, and budget will allow, one thing certain to impress your guests is an ice sculpture. Giant swans and unicorns can often be found adorning the dinner tables of the rich and famous but they needn’t cost the earth – if you or your partner has an artistic bent, why not make your own? All you need is a chisel, a hammer and a block of ice. Any fool could do it. Or almost any. Sadly, Stephen’s attempt to recreate the Virgin Mary ended up looking more like the abominable snowman once he’d finished with his chainsaw. Nevertheless, it proved a talking point, particularly among the paramedics who treated several guests for shock and my great aunt and her sister for hypothermia after it collapsed on their table during the toast.

  A safer alternative but no less impressive and more (intentionally) interactive is my personal favourite – the Gravy Fountain. Just imagine the delight on your guests’ faces as they crowd round this magnificent structure, eagerly thrusting their skewered sausages, sprouts and lumps of mashed potato into a never-ending stream of mouth-watering, meaty nectar.

  The Best Man’s Speech

  If there’s one element of the wedding reception of which I don’t entirely approve, it’s the so-called ‘best’ man’s speech. Often vulgar, frequently embarrassing and almost always tasteless, Stephen naturally loves them. Personally, I don’t see the need to humiliate and belittle the groom in front of his entire family. I prefer to wait until the privacy of the honeymoon. It wouldn’t be so bad if the ‘best’ man were an engaging, witty raconteur along the lines of Peter Ustinov or that nice Mr Palin. Sadly, more often than not, he’s some semi-literate mate from the pub darts team whose idea of wit is to pull out his trouser pockets, undo his flies and stand there wiggling and dangling for all to see. This may raise laughs from those of a baser nature, but I assure you any respectable guest would do their best to ignore the elephant in the room.

  The First Dance

  One of the more romantic wedding reception traditions is the first dance, when the newlyweds tentatively take to the floor to share a few touching moments shuffling awkwardly to ‘their song’ before imploring the rest of the guests to join them. This does, however, rely on the couple having ‘a song’. Often it will be the tune they first danced t
o or one that was playing in the restaurant where they shared their first romantic dinner. It will be a song both partners love, one that will instantly fill their heads with memories and their hearts with love. This isn’t always the case, however, especially with couples who have wildly different musical tastes, like me and Stephen, but never fear, dears – if this sounds like you, there is a solution. All you need is a friendly disc jockey with a dual turntable and your problem is solved. It’s a relatively simple task for him to combine both of your favourite songs into one seamless blend – or mash-up, as I believe the young people call it. I’ll never forget the look on everyone’s faces as Stephen and I took a turn on the dance floor to the strains of Everything I Do, I Do It For Puff the Magic Dragon.

  THE WEDDING NIGHT

  In days long gone, a crowd of ruddy-faced villagers would gather beneath the window as bride and groom consummated their nuptials, whooping and cheering as the groom would wave a blood-soaked post-coital sheet in the night air to indicate he had successfully relieved his new wife of her virginity. These days, the wedding night is rather more subdued due to the lack of virgins and ruddy-faced villagers. That isn’t to say it always runs smoothly. Should you chose to spend your wedding night in a hotel, for example, it’s absolutely vital that you reveal your room number to no-one; otherwise you may find yourself spending the night accompanied by a chorus of drunken guests or a sheep – something no self-respecting bride should be doing for at least the first few months of her married life.