How to Have an Almost Perfect Marriage

by Mrs Stephen Fry

  And get them into the mood it certainly did – how could it fail? Oysters, asparagus, ginseng and Viagra, all swimming in my special strawberry and chocolate gravy. Once they had finally finished it all (I always insist on clean plates), the effect was incredible. I had been prepared for a little amorous horseplay but the plate-smashing and yelling was excessive – even by Stephen’s standards. Never one to outstay my welcome, I calmly stood up from the table and asked for my payment before departing. The rest is a bit of a blur – largely due to the smoke. Not from the candle, which had long since been extinguished, but from the kitchen. The only thing I remember was being escorted forcibly from the building and being told in no uncertain terms that I would most definitely not be receiving any kind of payment for my services.

  I drove home in a despondent state. I just couldn’t understand what was wrong. After all, it had been no different from almost every romantic dinner I had cooked for Stephen. However, the following morning I woke to find an envelope on the doormat. Clearly, they had had a change of heart and sent the payment after all. I sighed with relief as I tore it open and removed the contents. But instead of a cheque there was a letter on headed notepaper, demanding financial recompense for, in their words, a ruined evening. Also a ruined tablecloth, dining table, dining room, kitchen and marriage. It was only then that I realised my error – Tom wasn’t a barista. He was a barrister.

  ROMANTIC GESTURES

  As unlikely as it sounds, there are ways to express your affection for your partner that don’t involve food or tea. Although, I’m afraid to say that, being a typical man, Stephen hasn’t the faintest idea about romantic gestures. On one occasion, he thought it would be a romantic gesture to stand in the garden, singing up at the bedroom window, naked from the waist down apart from a small red flower sticking out of the top of his you-know-what – Poppycock!

  POETRY

  Being something of a semi-professional poet, the muse often catches me and I find myself putting pen to paper in the name of romance. Nothing says ‘I love you’ more clearly than an expertly crafted sonnet or haiku. Sometimes short is sweet as is the case with this brief but touching piece I penned to Stephen only recently.

  How do I love thee?

  Let me count the kids.

  I think that says it all. Sadly, Stephen struggles to express his feelings on paper. He did attempt a love poem once but never got further than ‘There once was a woman called Edna…’

  PHYSICAL EXPRESSION

  Some couples choose to express their love in more physical ways – even in public. They may hold hands or share a tender kiss in the park. While personally I can’t say I approve of such displays, I understand that for certain people they can be acceptable.

  Of course, different cultures have different social rules. While the British would never countenance such behaviour, it is perfectly common to see an Italian gentleman smacking his girlfriend’s bottom as a show of affection. Or his wife’s. Or, as was the case on our bargain break to Rome, someone else’s wife’s. Anywhere else I would have objected in no uncertain terms – that goes without saying. However, as the saying goes, ‘when in Rome’, so I smacked him back on his bottom. I don’t remember the exact sequence of events that followed, but it included the police fishing him out of the Trevi Fountain and cautioning Stephen with aggravated use of a pepper grinder.

  SURPRISE GIFTS

  Of course, the most romantic gesture is usually some kind of surprise. An unexpected gift can be just the thing to rekindle those romantic embers. Flowers, chocolates etc are all very well but if you really want to surprise your partner, try putting a little more thought into it. The more unusual a gift, the more time they will know you’ve put into it. Although do be careful – naming a star after your loved one can be terribly romantic. Naming a hurricane, less so.

  LOVE LETTERS

  I have a shoe box under the bed crammed full of love letters, all tied up with a pink ribbon. Each one is beautifully written, heartfelt and romantic. They’re caring, compassionate and deeply moving. They’re the most precious things I own. That’s why I’ve never given them to Stephen – he’d never appreciate them. Although, it would be unfair to suggest that Stephen is incapable of writing anything romantic. I keep his one and only love letter with me at all times. I say letter, it’s more of a note. Written on a betting slip. But it does say, in bold capitals, ‘MY BELOVED’. He insists that was the name of the horse he was betting on but I know better. Why else would he have written ‘Each way’ beneath it, if not to emphasise the extent of his love?

  Sadly, as your marriage progresses you will find the love letters dry up but don’t worry, this is perfectly normal. It doesn’t mean that the love has disappeared, merely that that initial intensity has mellowed into something more comfortable. And predictable. Some might even say dull. And just as those early fireworks fade to be replaced by a low energy light bulb, so those flowery letters are replaced by shorter but no less poignant notes such as ‘put the bins out’ and ‘your dinner’s in the baby’.

  While he rarely puts pen to paper, Stephen has been known to express himself in the written word. For a while, he would secretly write little messages in the steam on the bathroom mirror with his finger for me to discover the next time I had a bath. (Quick tip: If you are thinking of employing this tactic as a romantic surprise, try using phrases such as ‘I Love You’ and ‘Be Mine’ rather than ‘Red Rum’ and ‘I know where you live’. While I appreciated the gesture, the exorcist was an expense I could have done without.) And he also wrote me a song. I say wrote, I mean sang. Well, made up when the actual words got stuck on the karaoke machine the other week. Still, it was quite romantic. Quite…

  A Staircase To Stephen

  There’s a lady who makes me Spam fritters of gold,

  And she’s climbing the staircase to Stephen.

  When she gets here I know, if the door isn’t closed,

  With her brolly, she’s going to get even.

  Ooh, ooh and she’s climbing that staircase to Stephen.

  There’s three ducks on the wall but she wants to be sure,

  ’Cause she knows sometimes birds have two meanings.

  I just lie here and wait, contemplating my fate

  Hoping all of my crimes are forgiven

  Ooh, but she makes me wander

  Ooh, if only she were blonder

  There’s a feeling I get when I take off my vest

  And I know that my dander’s up for it

  In the dark she has seen something poke through the sheets

  But she stands there and tries to ignore it

  Ooh, and it makes me wonder

  Ooh, if she were ten years younger

  If she blew my bassoon, then we’d both be in tune

  And the bedroom would echo with laughter

  Then a new day would dawn when we woke on the lawn

  And we’d live happily ever after

  If there’s a woman in the wardrobe, don’t be alarmed now,

  She’s just there looking for her brother

  Yes, there are two more on the landing, a misunderstanding

  We thought you’d gone to see your mother

  What a dreadful blunder

  My wife’s succumbing and she won’t go, as if I don’t know

  Her Stephen’s calling her to join him

  Dear Edna, can you shut the window ’cos did you know

  Your hairdo flies in the whistling wind?

  And as we wander down life’s road

  Her shadow’s shorter than before

  There walks a lady very slow

  With faded sight and hair like snow

  Her hearing aid is running low

  But if she listens very hard

  That tune will come to her again

  As soon as she has had her op, yeah

  To have a hip and not to hop

  And she’ll be riding that stairlift to Stephen…
r />   PET NAMES

  One simple way in which couples express their feelings for each other is the use of pet names. These can have some kind of deep significance, perhaps reflecting a shared experience, or they can just be silly little names which could be quite embarrassing if uttered in public. Fortunately, Stephen and I have no such qualms. But then, why would he object to being called Shnooky-wookykins, Snuggletrousers or Mr Floppy in front of complete strangers? After all, I have no concerns about him calling me Edna. Although I have noticed he tends to reserve the rest of his pet names for when we’re in the throes of passion. Kylie and Beyonce are his current favourites.

  MISCELLANEOUS

  If you wish to make an indelible statement to demonstrate your undying love for your partner, you might consider a tattoo (these can also be used to demonstrate your undying love for your mother, your favourite football team or anchors). Of course, such an undertaking should not be approached without a degree of caution. Just like marriage, a tattoo is designed to be permanent and can only be rectified with laser surgery (although laser surgery should only be used as a solution to marriage after all other possibilities have been explored). I know only too well the agonies suffered by the wearer of an ill-judged tattoo. Mainly because I’ve inflicted them. I don’t know why Stephen can’t just have a little black book like other men.

  AN EVENING OUT

  What could be more romantic than an unexpected evening out arranged by your partner? The thrill of getting dressed up, the anticipation of the night ahead – it’s just the thing to add a spark to the most humdrum of marriages. It could be dinner at a romantic restaurant or a trip to the theatre, or perhaps just a simple trip to the local pub – it doesn’t matter. The important thing is to break your usual routine and shake up your partner’s expectations. You’re saying to your spouse, ‘I’m wild, unpredictable and devil-may-care’ – not that useless lump who just lies on the sofa night after night without lifting a finger to help you cook, clean or take care of the kids.

  I vividly remember the time my Stephen whisked me off without warning to a romantic rooftop dinner, of all things! I’m sure you will have seen those glitzy Hollywood rom-coms where the girl thinks she is being taken to a restaurant, only to find herself on the roof of her New York apartment block, seated at a beautifully decorated table with a bottle of champagne, caviar and an umbrella of stars…this was nothing like that. To be fair to him, Stephen did his best but we were battling against the slope of our terraced house roof from the start. And the frost didn’t help. Or the hailstones. Still, it was memorable and at least the new guttering prevented any fatalities.

  A WEEKEND AWAY

  You’ve had a hard week – your boss has been impossible, the kids have been unbearable, you’re exhausted mentally and physically. Then your spouse comes bursting through the door with a big grin on their face and tells you to pack your bags. Once you’ve apologised for throwing the baby’s nappy at them and they’ve explained that they’ve arranged for the children to stay with their parents and booked a nice little B&B in the country for you both, you fling your arms round them and give them a huge kiss. Or a firm handshake, depending how demonstrative you are.

  No matter what your work or home life is like, everyone needs a break now and then. Especially if you have children. A weekend away without having to think about the office or domestic chores can be just the ticket. You can recharge your batteries and return ready to take on life all over again. And most importantly you can reacquaint yourself with your partner in a stress-free environment and remind yourself why you married them in the first place. Hopefully.

  If you really want to recapture the excitement of being a young as-yet-unmarried couple in love, here are a few tips.

  Book into the hotel or B&B under an assumed name – Mr and Mrs Smith is a generally accepted pseudonym for an unmarried couple (unless, of course, those are your actual names, in which case use another one). If you are paying by credit card, this will add an extra frisson as the hotel manager calls for the police. Should this be the case, you have two choices – the first is to own up and give your real names, the second I call the Bonnie and Clyde option.

  Book into the honeymoon suite if there is one in your chosen establishment. If not, book the best room available (preferably a double) and take along a few items to give it that extra romantic atmosphere. While your partner carries the luggage up to the room (the receptionist will be only too happy to place an Out of Order sign on the lift for a small extra fee) run ahead with the key and make a few simple preparations. Place a bottle of champagne (or sparkling wine) in an ice bucket on the table (or fold-down ironing board), lay his and hers matching silk (or silk-effect) robes on the bed and place a chocolate on their pillow. Depending on the kind of weekend you anticipate, this could be an after dinner mint or a family-size Toblerone.

  Research the local area for suitably romantic places to visit – these could be woodland walks, quiet leafy lanes, secluded meadows or a jousting tournament.

  When booking a room for a romantic weekend, take into consideration the name of the establishment. You should feel reasonably confident of a place called The Maison D’Amour or Valentine Cottage – possibly less so of Bates Motel.

  The important thing to remember is that no matter how bad you are at cooking or how unromantic you may be (and I should know, dears), never stop trying – your marriage may depend on it! Whether by food, romantic gesture or emergency surgical procedure, there’s always a way to a man’s (or woman’s) heart.

  chapter four

  An Englishwoman’s Home

  (nb While I am aware that the more commonly recognised phrase is ‘an Englishman’s home is his castle’, I can assure you that Stephen and I certainly don’t live in a castle – even if there is a sign reading ‘Camelot’ attached to the stone-cladding. Also, I think it is generally accepted that the home is the woman’s domain – or at least will be, according to our pre-nup.)

  YOUR FIRST HOME TOGETHER

  When seeking out your first home together, remember those three magic words – Location, Location, Location. Whatever you do, don’t arrange to see a property when that’s on. The ideal time is mid-afternoon, allowing you plenty of time between Jeremy Kyle and Deal or No Deal for a relaxing viewing and a nice cup of tea after.

  What kind of place should you be looking for? Inevitably, a young couple just starting out on the property ladder will need to compromise but ideally you should try to find somewhere that reflects both of your personalities. In our case, this was fairly easy as Stephen didn’t so much have a personality as a slightly irritating presence. But be careful – one of the biggest nightmares for anyone moving into a new property is finding yourself stuck next to the neighbours from hell. This was unfortunately the case when Stephen and I moved into our first house. I remember it vividly to this day – the all-night parties, the constant slanging matches, the bins of rubbish being emptied over the fence. This went on for months until finally they had enough and moved out.

  As it can be a bit of a marital minefield, here’s a useful A to Z list covering all aspects of the home, as I feel these things should never be approached blindly or unalphabetically.

  AN A TO Z OF THE HOME

  A

  Attic – The attic is a wonderfully useful space, sitting unobtrusively at the top of your house like an undiscovered serial killer. You may choose to use this space by converting it into an extra bedroom, office or sex chamber – just don’t forget to get the appropriate planning permission, or in the last case, inappropriate planning permission.

  Personally, I prefer to use our attic as a storage space. Out of sight, out of mind, as the saying goes and it’s the perfect spot for those little best-forgotten knick-knacks such as my wedding dress, the wedding photographs and the children. I also insist Stephen keeps his Scalextric up there, together with his life-size portrait which I have to admit I find a
little disturbing – while Stephen has decayed terribly over the years, it hasn’t aged a single day.

  B

  Bathroom Etiquette – Rubber ducks are acceptable. Real ducks are not. Nor are geese, swans, moorhens or crested grebes. If in doubt, avoid wildfowl reserves on bath days.

  A husband and wife sharing a bath is perfectly acceptable provided it is for the express purpose of saving water provided of course that the husband sits at the tap end. Alternatively, half a dozen bricks provide the same benefit as well as being more entertaining company.

  One of the most common causes of marital discord is the perennial leaving-up-of-the-toilet-seat issue. Fortunately, this isn’t the case in the Fry house as Stephen so rarely makes it as far as the bathroom.

  Beams – Nothing gives a room more delightful mock Tudor pub character than beams. Preferably oak, although other woods are acceptable – the important thing is that they are sturdy, especially if, like me, you have a particularly tall husband. They carry the additional charm of affording me the regular sight of him banging his head.

  Bed – The most important item of furniture in the bedroom is, of course, the bed, hence the name. Buying the marital bed can be a tricky task. It can be difficult to work out which kind to get unless you know long your marriage will last. Some couples may require a bed strong enough to last for many decades whereas for others, a camp bed is perfectly adequate. If we take 25 years as the average marriage length (don’t worry, dears, it’s nothing like as long as that), then you will need to choose a sturdy wooden structure designed for the job. Similarly, you should choose a mattress to match your marriage – for example, for the first few years it should be firm but springy. After five years it should still have a bit of bounce. 10 years on, it should be comfortable and forgiving although there may be the occasional unexpected poke (easily solved by a trip to the manufacturer, assuming it’s still under warranty), and after 25 years, it should be saggy, lifeless and ready for the scrap heap.