How to Have an Almost Perfect Marriage

by Mrs Stephen Fry

  Let’s do it,

  Let’s you-know-what.

  Naturists in the sun do it,

  Bondage freaks are not allowed to undo it,

  Let’s do it,

  Let’s you-know-what

  Transvestites while in their frocks do it,

  Necrophiliacs inside a box do it,

  Let’s do it,

  Let’s you-know-what

  Suburban types behind doors do it,

  With a bowlful of keys,

  Foot fetishists do it,

  They’re in it up to their knees

  OAPs with a pill do it

  Even those with memory failure still do it

  Let’s do it,

  Let’s…er…?

  chapter six

  The Clatter of Tiny Feet

  Eventually, no matter how hard you try to avoid them, most marriages are ‘blessed’ with little ones – tiny bundles of ‘joy’ that will turn your lives upside down (assuming they were the right way up to begin with). Before you know it, you will have completely forgotten what it’s like to have a proper night’s sleep, a peaceful car journey and crayon-free walls. Fortunately, being married to Stephen, I was already well used to all of these things.

  Our own six or seven children cover quite an age range, a situation arising from Stephen’s regular enforced absences spent at his landlord’s pleasure. Our first, Stephen Junior, was an accident, or so we tell him. Viennetta came soon afterwards, followed by Hugh Junior (who really was an accident). Brangelina was born a few years later, then there was a bit of a gap before the twins, Asbo and Subo (for a while I thought I had finally discovered a reliable form of birth control, namely changing the locks when Stephen went to the pub) and finally, our most recent addition, the baby (we haven’t chosen a name yet – we want to see how his or her personality develops before deciding).

  So, what advice can I give you for when the stork comes to visit? Well, firstly, the stork doesn’t come to visit. I know. It was quite a shock to me too. If anything it was more of a humming bird (although Stephen prefers to call it his albatross of love). But don’t worry – childbirth really isn’t all that painful. Not compared with the subsequent 18 years. And nowadays, there are all kinds of special drugs designed to numb the whole experience – also terribly effective during conception, I find.

  These days, many husbands choose to be at the birth in order to support their wives and be part of this natural miracle, but it isn’t compulsory. Personally, I wouldn’t recommend it – I found that Stephen just got in the way, constantly mopping my brow, asking if I was alright and playing with the speculum. If, however, your husband insists on being present, I would suggest a little wifely subterfuge (you men don’t need to read the following few lines – why not pop down the pub instead, there’s a good chap?). When you feel your first contractions, send your man to the supermarket for a pint of milk – or preferably a mini-break to Prague. This should allow you sufficient time to bring his offspring into the world in relative peace. Or better still, don’t tell him you’re pregnant in the first place. Most modern men are far too polite and/or fearful to mention their wives have put on a few pounds and just imagine the look on his face when he returns home with the groceries or duty-free bottle of Kalhua and 800 Silk Cut to find a beautiful, bouncing, screaming baby in his home! It almost makes the whole unpleasant process worthwhile.

  So, now you’ve got your first child, what do you do with it? Well, dears, the answer is not a lot – apart from feeding it, burping it, changing its nappies and trying to get it to sleep (again, my experience with Stephen meant this was second nature to me). The truth is, once you’ve got over that initial rush of joy (this can last between a few weeks and a few minutes, depending on your disposition), most babies are actually rather dull. You can’t have a decent conversation with them, you can’t play chess with them, you can’t take them to casinos – all they do is lie there crying. Still, it’s important that you treasure this time, as it’s the best it’s going to get.

  Research suggests that a newborn child’s three favourite sounds are its mother’s voice, its mother’s heartbeat and its father’s voice – this is because these are the sounds it has been listening to in the womb. Although, curiously, Stephen Junior’s three favourite sounds as a baby were a can of lager being opened, the A-Team theme tune and the quiz machine at the Dog & Duck.

  One question a mother – and to a certain extent, a father – wants to know the answer to when they look at their baby is ‘what will he or she be like when they’re older?’. It’s surprisingly easy to answer this – simply establish the sex of your child. If it’s male, it will more than likely grow up to be a boy. If it’s female, a girl. I’m sure we’ll get around to this eventually – once we’ve got through all those DVD box sets we got for Christmas.

  If, however, you want to know a little more – perhaps his or her personality, looks and even career, you can use astrology. While some people claim it’s mumbo jumbo, I firmly believe it has a strong scientific basis and that the moment you are born shapes your whole destiny, as I believe the following research findings conclusively prove –

  Monday’s child is fair enough,

  Tuesday’s child is pretty rough,

  Wednesday’s child is full of woe,

  Thursday’s child is kind of slow,

  Friday’s child works hard for a pittance,

  Saturday’s child likes torturing kittens,

  And the child that’s born on the Sabbath day is bonny and blithe, ginger, fond of Michael Buble, prone to chest infections, plagued with self-doubt, employed in I.T., unable to pat his head and rub his stomach at the same time and gay.

  If that doesn’t convince you, dears, nothing will!

  BABY NAMES

  Choosing a name for your child can be one of the most important decisions you will make as a couple. It can shape their personality, their career, even their gender. To help you and your partner with this potentially life-shaping choice, I have included an alphabetical list Stephen and I drew up before naming most of our children (I’m sure you’ll be able to work out which ones are Stephen’s).

  M = Male, F = Female, M/F = Male or Female

  A –Anaglypta (F), Anakin (M), Anon (M/F), Aslan (M)

  B –Bazza (M), Beelzebub (M), Beelzebubbles (F), Beowulf (M), Bilbo (M), Boba (M)

  C – Chav (M/F), Chumbawumba (F), Cialis (F)

  D – Dazza (M), Dappy (M), Darth (M), Dopey (M)

  E – Edna (F), Ella-Ella-Ella (F), Elvis (M)

  F – Fender (M), Ferrero (M)

  G – Gazza (M), George-at-asda (M), Google (M/F), Gromit (M)

  H – Hadron (M), Han (M), Haribo (M), Hoodie (M/F)

  I – Ibiza (F), Ike (M), Ikea (F), Innit (M), Innita (F)

  J – Jabba (M), Jar-jar (M), Jedward (M), Jenga (F),Jojoba (F)

  K – Kajagoogoo (M), Kebab (M), Kebabs (F), Kerplunk (M), Korma (F), Kylie (F)

  L – Lambrini (F), Leia (F), Lenor (M), Lenora (F) Lidl (M), Limahl (M), Lol (M), Luke (F)

  M – Masala (F), Mega (M), Megan (F)

  N – N’Dubz (M), N’Dubya (F) Neo (M), Nutella (F)

  O – Omg (M)

  P – Persil (M), Primark (M), Primula (F)

  Q – Qui-Gon (M), Qwerty (M), Qwerta (F)

  R – Reebok (M), Rocky, Rocky 2, Rocky 3, Rocky 4, Rocky 5 (all M) Rofl (M)

  S – Sambucca (F), Shaft (M), Shazza (F), Skeletor (M), Skye (F), Skye Plus (F), Samantha (F), Spartacus (M), Spongebob (M), Stan (M), Stannah (F), Stella (F), Supermario (M), Susudio (?)

  T – TK Maxx (M), T-Rex (M), Tickle-me-Elmo (M), Tickle-me-Rihanna (F) Tomtom (M), Towie (M/F), Tron (M)

  U – Ultravox (M), Urethra (F)

  V – Van Halen (M), Veneria (F), Viagra (F), Vileda (F), Vinaigrette (F)

  W – Walliam (M), Walmart (M), Wazza (M)

  X – X-Box (M/F), Xena (F)

  Y – Ya
kult (M/F)

  Z – Zafira (F), Zinfandel (M), Zinfandella (F), Zod (M), Zumba (F)

  CHILD TIMELINE

  (OR CHILDLINE, FOR SHORT)

  Your offspring’s childhood is marked by distinctly different periods. The first of these is known as ‘the terrible twos’, when your child first begins to develop a sense of their place in the world and begins to push boundaries, often refusing to do as they are told. This is followed by the thoroughly unpleasant threes, the frightful fours, the forgettable fives, the soul-destroying sixes, the simply dreadful sevens, the excruciating eights, the nightmarish nines, the tiresome tens, the egregious elevens and the traumatic twelves. Then they’re into their teens and things start to go downhill. My advice is just to sit tight and wait for it to pass. In another room. With a nice cup of tea. Or a bottle of gin.

  FIRST WORDS

  Often a baby’s first word is ‘Daddy’, not ‘Mummy’. This is because it’s easier for it to express the letter ‘D’ than the letter ‘M’. This needn’t necessarily be the case, however. I found that a simple system of rewards and a mild course of electro-shock treatment was all that was required to reverse this process. It’s difficult to describe that heart-warming moment when your child’s first word is ‘Mummy’ and you’re able to remove the electrodes from his little chubby face – magical. Sadly, it doesn’t work every time – the twins’ first words were ‘karaoke’ and ‘kebab’. Clearly, electricity has less effect on the letter ‘k’.

  FIRST STEPS

  There is no moment to compare with the first time you see your baby take its first steps. All of a sudden, that once helpless bundle of bodily fluids is a toddler. You have to buy gates for the stairs, move your best crockery and hide the cat. What was once your domain is now a toy-strewn, juice-spattered nightmare. There are two ways to deal with this new, distressing situation – you can either make the mental and emotional adjustment to your new compromised family status, or you can move out. While the latter may seem attractive, it can be a costly and time-consuming process involving estate agents, removal men and social services. There is, however, a third approach which Stephen and I adopted, which was to have several more children as soon as possible. Not only does this increase your child benefit significantly, I find you can leave them all to take care of each other (in the broadest possible sense of the words ‘take care’). This then frees you and your partner to enjoy life much the same as before, as long as you remember to check up on the little darlings once in a while. Every couple of months should be sufficient.

  FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL

  One of the most emotional moments in a parent’s life is their child’s first day at school. All of a sudden, that helpless bundle that spent all its time just lying on its back, burping and wetting itself is ready to make that momentous step – driving his child to school.

  It can be a difficult time for the mother too. How will her little boy or girl cope? Will they be wary? Overwhelmed? Petrified? Will they join in with their classmates or spend all day crying to come home? It can be emotionally draining, sitting there, dunking your HobNob in your tea, expecting the phone to ring at any time with a call to come and fetch your child home. After a while, though, you realise that no such call will come and you can relax – you’ve got rid of them at last!

  BEHAVIOUR

  When it comes to your children’s behaviour, teamwork is all-important. Whether rewarding or disciplining a child, the key is consistency; otherwise they will never learn right from wrong. In order to ensure this, it’s important that both you and your partner work together. Some couples adopt a good cop/bad cop approach – Stephen prefers good cop/Robocop. I smile benignly whenever our children misbehave and he walks around in a metal suit shooting things. It seems to work. It’s inherent in youngsters to want to push the boundaries you impose on them – it’s all part of growing up but it can lead to confrontation, tantrums and tears. The answer to this is simple – if you don’t give your children any boundaries, they have nothing to push!

  Sibling rivalry can also be a big issue, particularly when you have more than one child. When a new baby arrives, the older brother or sister can often feel displaced from their parent’s affections. To avoid this, the best thing is to make sure you don’t give them any affection in the first place. That way, they will be perfectly well adjusted and have no such fears. Of course, it may not be just sibling rivalry you have to worry about. Often the father can feel usurped from his number one position in his wife’s heart. This can lead to classic behaviour such as short temperedness, sulking and, in Stephen’s case, hiring strippers. Again, the less affection you give them in the first place, the less they will be affected. Relationship experts refer to this as tough love, although I feel love may be too strong a word.

  I do, however, feel that praise is over-rated when it comes to bringing up your children. It can lead to over-confidence and possibly arrogance when they grow older, plus there’s nothing more unbearable than a mother relentlessly extolling their child’s virtues against all evidence to the contrary. Even if your son or daughter should do something you deem praiseworthy, such as painting a pretty picture or composing a symphony, just carry on as if nothing has happened and before long, not only will they develop a true sense of their self-worth but they’ll stop pestering you when you’re trying to watch Countdown. Ignore some sense into them – that’s what I say, dears.

  Having said all this, you may find that, despite all of your best efforts, your little ones’ behaviour may still be a cause for concern. Should this be the case, you may actually need to impose some kind of punishment. One popular sanction among child psychologists is the naughty step. This is where a child who has failed to meet your expectations for behaviour is forced to sit alone for a period of time on the staircase, the idea being that solitude allows them the opportunity to calm down and reflect on their behaviour, thereby leading to an improvement. There are pluses and minuses to this type of sanction – on the plus side, it saves you all that tedious telling them off and having to explain what they’ve done wrong but on the minus side, when you have a family of six or seven quite badly behaved children (plus an equally badly behaved husband) it can become unmanageable and quite difficult to get to the bathroom. Regardless of its drawbacks, I do find that this system can be successful up to a point so I’ve drawn up this step-by-naughty-step guide, or 12-step programme, beginning on the bottom step (which I have called step 1) for a minor offence and moving upwards according to the level of misdemeanour.

  Step 1 - Not doing homework

  Step 2 - Refusing to go to bed

  Step 3 - Saying a naughty word

  Step 4 - Saying a very naughty word

  Step 5 - Saying one of Daddy’s naughty words

  Step 6 - Drawing on the wall

  Step 7 - Shoplifting

  Step 8 - Fraud

  Step 9 - Arson

  Step 10 - Third degree murder

  Step 11 - Criticising their mother’s cooking

  Step 12 - Stephen’s step

  Conversely, a number of so-called child psychologists claim that some kind of reward scheme can be a valuable method of teaching your child right from wrong. I can’t say that I subscribe to this theory personally, although on occasion I have found that 20 Benson & Hedges can keep them quiet while Coronation Street’s on. I’ve even tried positive reinforcement, which involves praising good behaviour. Unfortunately, this requires some form of good behaviour to praise and there are only so many days in the year. Alternatively, you can point out good behaviour in others in the hope that it will influence your child in a positive way but no matter how many times I say ‘Look at that nice little girl. She’s not stealing anyone’s purse at knifepoint’ I’ve still to detect any significant effect.

  GENDER ROLES

  This can be a tricky area and one which can cause conflict between a husband and wife. Personally, I have nothing against Stephen Junior dressing
up like Liza Minnelli, as long as he’s happy, but Stephen is far more traditional when it comes to gender roles. ‘No son of mine is going to…’ is one of his favourite lines, variously followed by ‘play tea parties’, ‘dress like a chorus girl’ or ‘give birth’. He refuses to let the boys play with dolls or the girls with books and if they’re invited to fancy dress parties, he insists they wear what he calls gender-appropriate costumes – fireman or soldier for the boys, check-out assistant or stripper for the girls.

  IMAGINARY FRIENDS

  For a while I was convinced all of our six children had an imaginary friend until I realised we had seven children. I have to admit I was a little ashamed of this unforgivable oversight – I’d missed out on two years’ child benefit.

  HEALTH

  All parents worry about their children’s health but it’s all too easy to become over-protective. Many scientists believe the dramatic rise in allergy-sufferers is down to our modern, sanitised lifestyle. These days children are brought up in a virtually germ-free environment thanks to advances in cleaning product advertising. Work surfaces are sterilised, floors are scrubbed until they shine and I believe in some homes, carpets are hoovered several times a year – madness!

  Instead, in order to ensure our children grow up healthy and asthma-free, Stephen and I make sure they are exposed to as many strains of virus as possible, leaving kitchen surfaces and floors in their natural, encrusted state and arranging regular day-trips to maximum security government research laboratories and volunteering them for cosmetic testing whenever possible.

  Even with such a comprehensive health strategy as this, your child may still succumb to the occasional cold. When this happens I simply prepare them a soothing cup of my own special Lemsoup, say ‘there, there’ and give them an extra blanket. If it’s a particularly heavy cold, I sometimes even let them indoors. What mother could do more?