How to Have an Almost Perfect Marriage

by Mrs Stephen Fry

  Anything as long as it’s quick and relatively painless, dear.

  Dear Edna,

  Where do you get all the ingredients for your wonderful meals?

  Lidl, the Co-op and the bins round the back of Sainsbury’s.

  Relationships

  Dear Edna,

  I’m 25 and still a virgin. I’ve just started a relationship with an older, more experienced man and I don’t want to disappoint him. What should I do?

  First, make sure you have a full range of utensils and a good, sturdy kitchen table. Clean up as you go along and whatever you do, don’t leave it in too long. Then, it’s on with the rubber gloves…

  Dear Edna,

  My boyfriend is a bit on the large side. What should I do?

  If it makes your eyes water, you could try biting on a spoon. Or perhaps do it underwater?

  Dear Edna,

  My husband is having erectile problems. Could you recommend anything?

  If it looks a bit limp, make sure you have a firm grip then toss as hard as you can. If it still doesn’t look good enough to win a prize, just add a little lemon juice and you should have something all the ladies will be happy to stick in their mouths.

  Dear Edna,

  How can you be sure Stephen is completely satisfied?

  I always prick it with a fork until the juices run clear.

  Dear Edna,

  I’m worried our lovemaking is becoming repetitive. What sexual positions would you suggest to liven things up?

  There’s the Toad in the Hole, The Triple Decker Pork Sandwich and, if I’m feeling particularly adventurous, the Pineapple Surprise.

  Dear Edna,

  Where do you fantasise about making love?

  Lidl, the Co-op and the bins round the back of Sainsbury’s.

  Of course, if a problem shared is a problem halved then a problem shared with thousands must be so small you could barely see it with a microscope. So the moment my loyal readers discovered I was writing a book about marriage, they bombarded me with all manner of marital questions, some of which I present here for your amusement, together with the names of those seeking my advice, as I feel that public humiliation is a crucial part of any personal improvement process.

  Dear Edna,

  What do you do when your partner asks you to cut their toenails for them?

  Andrew

  Personally, I go to the launderette. Believe me, dear, this is only the tip of the iceberg – it starts with toenails but before you know it, it’s eyebrow-trims, scalp massages and actually listening to them when they tell you about their day. If your partner is unwilling to cut their own toenails, I suggest you direct them to a branch of Piranha Pedicures – one visit and I guarantee neither you nor they will have to worry about their toenails again.

  Dearest Edna,

  My wife Marie currently lives in New York City and, with me here in England, I often find that the vast distance tends to put our relationship under some strain. An extra-marital affair seems like an awful lot of hard work for very little reward, but can you perhaps suggest some ways we can keep our marriage alive whilst she is so far away and, undoubtedly I am sure, having a great deal more fun than I am?

  Yours in genial frustration,

  Rory

  You really shouldn’t fret, Rory dear. I haven’t visited New York myself but I can’t imagine it has any more to offer than your own home town. I’m sure it doesn’t have any more restaurants, theatres, museums or skyscrapers and I’d be surprised if there were any kind of public park where your dear wife could frolic shamelessly on the grass with a string of swarthy, muscular Italian Adonises.

  Instead of getting yourself into a state, I recommend that you relieve your frustration by joining a gymnasium or sports club. Failing that, a systematic programme of self-abuse and regular bouts of gentle sobbing should do the trick.

  Dear Edna,

  My wife and I have always approached the issue of changing nappies on the basis that whoever first notices the event deals with it. A combination of teething and solid food intake on the part of our youngest child has resulted in occasional nappies of extraordinary and eye-watering pungency, but my wife has never yet been the one to change them. As much as I love and trust my wife, I have come to the conclusion that she is deliberately ignoring the “wind of change” to avoid the consequences. What can I do to redress the balance without neglecting the child in question?

  Tom

  Hello Tom dear,

  As the wife of a serial non-nappy changer and mother of numerous noxious children, you have my deepest sympathy. I had hoped that over the years the situation would improve but, if anything, since the birth of our latest (and hopefully last) child, things have got even worse. From the moment the breastfeeding ended and he was moved onto solids, he simply refused to have anything to do with the baby.

  However, I’m quite sure that, being a woman, your wife is not deliberately ignoring the situation. I expect she simply suffers from sinusitis or some other nasally-challenging condition. I recommend a decongestant such as a tablet or nasal spray and before you know it, you’ll both be sharing in the beautiful miracle that is your own child’s excrement.

  Dear Edna,

  One of my friends is working on his second divorce, i.e. he’s about to remarry. I’ve strongly advised him to sign a pre-nup this time. Prenuptial agreements, in my humble view, are essential to having an Almost Perfect Marriage. If only because it ensures you’re both in it for the right reasons. Having your heart broken is bad enough, but it’s worse when you haven’t planned to protect your assets. My friend says it’s awfully unromantic to be keeping an eye on the exit as one walks down the aisle. To pre-nup or not to pre-nup, what’s your view? Any wise words for my friend?

  Rieke

  If it’s wise words you’re looking for, you couldn’t have come to a better place, dear – wisdom is one of my middle names, together with wit, beauty and Bathsheba. Prenuptial agreements are a notoriously tricky area, as I have touched on earlier in the book although in my view, anything that diminishes the romance of your wedding day is probably a good thing. Otherwise you and your partner will have unrealistic expectations of your marriage. Far better to make a clear, legally-binding public commitment to your future separation.

  Sadly, when I married Stephen I was young-ish and foolish. I believed our love would last forever – or at least, longer than three days. If only we had signed a prenuptial agreement, who knows where I would be now…?

  …So sorry, dear, I lost my train of thought for a moment. As far as your ‘friend’ is concerned, I would suggest doing a little research before bringing the subject up – I understand there is quite a boom in Prenuptial Agreement companies, many promising a considerable payout even if you have no intention of getting married.

  Dear Edna,

  By all accounts your marriage is as near to perfect as one could hope for, but surely there must be days, as you spiral further and further into the background of Stephen’s ever-expanding limelight, where you’ve simply had enough and you want to run, screaming like a banshee, into the hills and never return? How do you handle these emotions, keep up your sense of self worth, hang on to your individuality and continue to portray your cheery demeanour?

  Lindy

  You appear to have been misinformed, Lindy dear – if anyone is in danger of spiralling further and further into the background, it is my husband and not myself. He may have something that is forever expanding but it certainly isn’t his limelight, dear. No doubt, you have been misled by his Twitter output like so many others – I’m afraid his tweets are little more than the imaginings of a man floundering in his wife’s considerable shadow. I try to reassure him that my new-found fame doesn’t make him any less of a man – I tell him time and time again that that simpl
y isn’t possible – but, for some reason, he still feels the need to subject the online community to his fevered ramblings.

  As for running, screaming like a banshee, never to return, I have to say that, if anything, my scream is more akin to a chiming bell although the rest sounds distinctly appealing. And my cheery demeanour, as you so delightfully put it, is the result of years of practice in front of the bathroom mirror. And the occasional gin.

  Dear Edna,

  I am a firm believer in looking my best for my husband every day (hair, make-up, tortuous underwear and so forth) but he is happy to wander about looking like a delegate at a rough sleepers’ convention. All our friends tease him about it but he just doesn’t give a monkey’s. What should I do?

  Fiona

  I sympathise completely with your plight, dear. Like you, I see it as a woman’s role to look her very best for her husband - or at least, any man who might turn up unexpectedly when he’s out. I am scrupulous about the way I look and never get out of bed without full make-up and my very best hat.

  Sadly, my current husband shares the same disregard for his appearance as your own. I can’t tell you how many times he’s arrived at a respectable social function without a tie. Or jacket. Or trousers. Of course, I’ve tried to change him – literally – as it is every wife’s duty to do, but to no avail. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve taken him to the Arndale centre to get a new set of clothes but he only wanders off and gets lost. I’ve even tried burning his existing assortment but he only noticed when the bar staff at the King’s Head refused to serve him unless he covered his you-know-what with the wine menu (not an easy task as they only do house red and white).

  I’m afraid to say that, at the end of the day, all you can do, dear, is ignore him. In public, at least. Sooner or later he’ll get the message – and if he doesn’t, just try to remember why you married him in the first place. That’s right, dear – fear of growing old alone in a house full of cats and collectable thimbles.

  Dear Edna,

  My partner and I have been together for a little over 7 years…our 7-year itch has still not arrived. We are wondering what we could be doing wrong. Please help us – what did you and Stephen do to progress the arrival of your 7-year itch and how long did it last?

  Thanking you,

  Ruth

  Hello Ruth dear,

  Don’t worry – no matter how secure you think your relationship is, there will inevitably come a time when one or the other of you will find your eye wandering and before you know it you’re having an affair with your optician. Relationship experts call this the ‘seven-year itch’ because, apparently, that’s the length of time into a marriage that infidelity is most likely to occur. I have to admit that I find this a slightly depressing statistic as with Stephen it happened after three days (it would have been less but it took him that long to find his way out of the wedding cake).

  Personally, I think it’s best to get it over with as quickly as possible then you can both get on with your various infidelities at your own pace. To facilitate this, I would suggest you take things into your own hands – or someone else’s hands to be more accurate. Introduce him to any attractive friends, if you have any. If not, a work colleague would do equally well. In extreme circumstances – if, for example, he’s repellent to other women – you could consider employing the services of a professional you-know-what worker. If you do, be sure to choose one from the top of the range or half-way up, at least. You will find that their English is more fluent and they will be more discreet and have their own towel.

  Dear Edna,

  My husband is a plane spotter and it is starting to take over our lives. I don’t mind the collection of model planes he keeps in his den or the stash of aircraft magazines I found under the bed, I’ve come to enjoy our regular holidays under the Heathrow flight path, and I have even got used to the runway he has built in the garden (the conversion of the shed into a control tower was quite a feat!), but now he wants us to sell the house and move into a converted 747. I wouldn’t be surprised if he asks me to dress up as an air hostess and serve all his meals on a trolley. What should I do?

  Heather Culpin

  Personally, I would go for the British Airways uniform, Heather dear – the stitching is more reliable and the skirt allows greater freedom of movement than other low-cost airlines. As for the trolley, make sure it has a heated compartment to ensure his meals are kept nice and warm and is made of a strong but pliant material – crucial should you experience excessive turbulence.

  As for the rest of it, dear, I really wouldn’t distress yourself if I were you – you should see the magazines Stephen keeps under the bed. And in the airing cupboard. And on top of the cistern. I never know when I’m going to come across another one – if it weren’t for all the bodybuilding ones, I’d worry he that I was living with some kind of you-know-what maniac! And as for living in an aeroplane, I wouldn’t be too concerned, if I were you. I’m quite sure he doesn’t really intend to do any such thing – you know what men are like. He’s probably just trying to persuade you to leave him.

  Dear Edna,

  My great passion is travel. I adore going somewhere unfamiliar and exploring foreign places, and would dearly love to take an overseas holiday with my other half. He, however, is not so inclined. He says travel doesn’t interest him and that he’s never had a hint of wanderlust. He also has a fear of flying, and although a long flight could be made quite comfortable for him through the use of drugs, alcohol and business class, he remains unmoveable. How can I persuade him otherwise, and convince him of the wonderful experiences that await us if we look further afield than places we can merely drive to?

  Samantha Russell

  Hello Samantha dear,

  You should count yourself lucky – Stephen starts to panic if he spends more than an hour away from the sofa. Even when he goes to the Dog & Duck, he needs several Bacardi Breezers before he can really relax. We have managed the occasional family trip, even abroad, but I generally have to sedate him first due to his fear of flying, fear of sailing, fear of hovercrafts and fear of anything foreign (except lagers, strangely). Of course, once he’s actually there he has a lovely time even if he refuses to admit it. He’s the only person I know who can sulk while drinking shots off the runner-up in a poolside Miss Wet T-shirt competition.

  If drugging or kidnapping is out of the question, why not try something more subtle such as tampering with the satnav? Before he knows it, he’ll be at the airport and his fait will be at least half accompli. Then all you’ll have to negotiate is his blind terror at the thought of being thousands of feet in the air in a giant metal tube. On the odd occasion that Stephen has accidentally regained consciousness before passing through the customs gate, I find that a calming hand on the shoulder and a few well-chosen words do wonders. I’ve always found the phrases ‘Stop being such a big girl’s blouse’ and ‘Duty free’ to be particularly effective.

  If, however, none of the above proves successful and your wanderlust is undiminished, you have two choices. The first is to travel alone. I have done this a few times myself but I can’t honestly say I would recommend it. No matter how far you travel, no matter what sights you see, what delicacies you eat and what fascinating people you meet, you still have to return home to find your husband’s still there. The second is to swap husbands with Heather. I’m quite sure she would be amenable – he sounds like a dreadful man.

  EDNA’S FOOLPROOF INSTANT MARITAL RESCUER

  If, after reading my advice to those poor unfortunate people, you still feel concerned, there’s no need, thanks to my Foolproof Instant Marriage Rescuer. No matter what you believe is at the heart of your marital discord, I assure you, you are merely scratching the surface. In order to truly work out your differences, you need to go a little deeper. Simply fill in the two following sections as completely as possible, leaving no s
tone unturned and no wound un-reopened. Be as wide-ranging and brutally honest as possible and you will then have the basis for a discussion which I believe will have a significant and irrevocable effect on your marriage.

  MY FAULTS

  MY PARTNER’S FAULTS

  DIVORCE

  If, after completing the previous task, you feel that an Almost Perfect Marriage is simply an aspiration too far for you and your partner, you’re probably right. In truth, very few couples ever experience the kind of marriage Stephen and I share – the important thing is that you bought this book before you came to that conclusion. If you are one (or two) of these people, then you needn’t be concerned as there is a perfectly satisfactory alternative – divorce. Some couples opt for mere separation but, to my mind, this demonstrates a lack of commitment.

  However, if you’re still not quite sure whether you have the strength to make that final break, then I have one last piece of advice for you. I would suggest that the problem might be all inside your head, dear. You see, the answer is terribly easy if you take it logically. I’d really like to help you in your struggle to be free. By my reckoning, there must be 50 ways to leave your husband…

  Just hop on a plane, Jane,

  Push him under a tram, Pam,

  Make him watch Sex and The City 2, Sue,

  Just get yourself free.

  Say you’re really a man, Jan,

  Hold a pillow over his face, Grace,

  Stop shaving your legs, Megs

  And set yourself free.

  Now, it‘s really not my habit to butt in. And, as you know dear, I’ve no desire to make your cranium spin, so just sit quietly while I pour another gin and tell you about those 50 ways to leave your husband…