Teaching Tenderness_Forever in Middlebury

by Brittany Cournoyer

  We didn’t do a damn thing while we were at that camp sight. We simply relaxed. It was amazing to not worry about checking my email every few minutes. And it was pure joy to watch Jackson run around and play in the lake. His easy smile and belly laughs were things I longed to hear and hoped that I would again. And all of it was because of Anthony.

  Even though we decided that we weren’t going to hide our relationship, we talked about how we would let Jackson know. Not only because Anthony was Jackson’s teacher, but because Jackson had never seen me even date anyone. So we weren’t sure how he’d handle it, especially since I was dating a man. So long after we finished making out on the shore, we returned to our seats by the dying fire and discussed what to do.

  We’d concluded that Anthony would come to dinner once we’d returned, and get a feel for how Jackson would handle me dating, and then go from there. If he seemed okay with the idea of me being with someone, then we’d gently tell him that we were a thing. And if he wasn’t? Well, we’d cross that bridge if we came to it. But I was hoping it was the former and not the latter.

  I had decided not to turn my phone on once we returned home Sunday evening. It was just so nice to unplug from everything electronic for a few days and recharge. Jackson seemed to share the same sentiment, and we hung out together in the backyard. We star gazed and spent time together like a father and son should. We had extended the invite to Anthony, neither one of us willing to let him go just yet, but he declined saying that he had things to do at home. I had a feeling he was just giving me time to process what happened over the weekend and figure out whether I wanted to back out or not. Well, I had already processed it, and I wasn’t going anywhere.

  It was during that time on the back patio that Jackson and I had a bit of a breakthrough. Jackson was squirming in his chair, and I could tell he wanted to ask me something, but wasn’t sure how to go about it. I didn’t want to him to feel like I was being pushy, so I just sat there, my hands resting on my belly with my fingers loosely linked, and waited for him to talk when he was ready.

  “Dad,” he finally said. “What’s wrong with me?”

  “What do you mean?” I asked after I was finally able to speak.

  “I mean, what did I do to make my mom leave me, and why do I have to be dyslexic?”

  This was when parenting was at its hardest. How in the hell did I answer these questions? What were I even supposed to say in a way that made him understand that there was nothing the matter with him? And even though I hated the very ground she walked on, and cursed every breath she took, I didn’t want to paint his mother in a bad light. How was anyone supposed to do that?

  “Jackson, buddy, listen to me very carefully,” I said and sat straighter in my chair. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re an amazing kid. You’re smart, funny, and very kind-hearted. Yes, you might have troubles with reading,” I said and saw his face fall at that comment, and I rushed to finish my train of thought, “for now. But Anthony is helping you with that, right? You’re making major improvements with every session from what I’ve been told.”

  “Right,” Jackson replied and he blinked at me, looking very lost.

  “As for your mom…” I said and reached up to rub the back of my neck. This was a touchy subject for us both, and we really didn’t discuss her much. “That’s something she’ll have to answer for herself if you’re ever given the chance to ask her. I don’t know her reasons for what she did, sweetheart, but I can assure you she’s missing out on knowing a pretty great kid. You believe that, don’t you?”

  Jackson nodded, and in the moonlight, I saw his eyes that looked so much like mine well up with tears. It was absolutely heartbreaking to see my son like that. I wanted to do something, anything to comfort him, but I was at a loss. Then I remembered how Anthony held his hand at the ice cream parlor. And I recalled how Jackson responded when I mussed his hair and kissed him on his head when we were at the lake, and I knew exactly what I needed to do.

  I stood up slowly from my chair and walked over to him. Jackson blinked furiously, as if trying to stop his tears, and watched as I crouched down in front of him. Then, without any words at all, I reached out and pulled him close to me. I held him tightly in my arms and sighed when I felt Jackson’s small arms wrap around my neck.

  “There is nothing wrong with you,” I told him fiercely.

  Aside from holding Jackson when he cried as a baby, this was the first time I held my son while he showed any kind of emotion. In the twelve years that I had been blessed to be this boy’s father, I’d never seen him express feeling in this way before. Oh sure, he had bouts of temper tantrums when he was a toddler, and threw hissy fits or had little bits of a temper when he got upset, but never had I seen him express so much pain. It was gutting me, and I found myself crying with him.

  “I love you so much, Jackson. And I am so happy that I get to be your dad,” I said as I hugged him even tighter.

  Those words made Jackson sob harder on my shoulder. And even though my calves were screaming in protest at being in this position for so long, and even though it was getting way past his bedtime, nothing would pull me away from my son. This time with him was precious. And at that moment a bath was the least of my worries. My calves screaming in pain were just a small issue compared to the pain my son was feeling. Nothing mattered except for comforting my son and being there when he needed me most.

  *****

  The next day at work I shot Anthony an email informing him of what happened with Jackson the night before. He quickly responded with concern, but in his typical smart ass way, and reassured me that he’d keep an eye on my kid. I felt easier knowing that and promptly went about my day, hurrying through my work. I was so anxious to leave early so I could pick Jackson up. I knew I’d see Anthony later that night at my house for dinner, but it was fun watching him and Jackson work together.

  “You’re in a good mood today,” Sheila said with a smile from the doorway.

  “I’m in a good mood every day.” “No, something is definitely different about you.” She brought her finger up to her lips and tapped it a few times as she thought hard.

  “Don’t hurt yourself,” I quipped as I shuffled through the papers on my desk.

  “That’s it,” she gasped and snapped her fingers. “You’ve met someone!”

  My eyes widened. “Will you keep your voice down? I don’t think they heard you in Siberia.”

  “So I was right? You’re dating someone?” she asked and a huge smile spread over her face.

  I groaned and buried my face in her hands. “Why did I hire the person with the shrillest voice on the planet?”

  “Because I’m efficient, and you’d be lost without me,” she responded, completely ignoring what I said about her voice. “So yes or no?”

  “Fine, yes. Are you happy now?”

  Sheila rolled her eyes, shut the door, and scurried over to my desk to sit down in her usual seat. “Who is she? What’s her name? How’d you meet her? How long have you two been dating?”

  Well, now was the first test in a long line of them. How would Sheila react when I told her who I was dating? She was the closest person I had to a friend, and if she wasn’t accepting of Anthony then I wasn’t sure what I’d do or how I’d handle it. And even though Sheila was the most understanding and open-minded person that I knew, I couldn’t stop the butterflies that took flight in my stomach when I opened my mouth.

  “His name is Anthony and he is Jackson’s English teacher. We officially started dating this weekend when we went camping.”

  Sheila, in typical Sheila fashion, didn’t even bat an eye at my words. She just rolled with it, and wanted every single detail down to what he smelled like. Then demanded to see a picture. When I pulled up the pictures on my phone, she proceeded to punch me in the arm and complain about how all the hot ones were taken. I felt compelled to remind her that she was a married woman, and that earned me another punch. After a small beating, she hugged me
tightly and said how happy she was for me, and how she couldn’t wait to meet him. That woman was amazing, and she deserved a raise.

  Finally the day ended, and it was time for me to go pick my kid up from school. And see the man who I was currently dating. Wow, that was a weird notion. I hadn’t dated since I was a teenager! I was out of practice, but how hard could it be?

  I was all smiles as I walked down the hall to Anthony’s classroom, and my smile just increased in size when I heard their voices filtering from the room. I was just about to announce myself when I heard what Jackson asked Anthony, and I was frozen in my tracks instead. Oh shit.

  Chapter 18

  Anthony

  I was one of those weird people who didn’t mind Mondays. People usually complained about having to return to work on that particular day of the week and counted down the days until the weekend, whereas, I saw it differently. I considered Monday as my way to have a fresh new start for that week. Mondays were my clean slate day. And also the first lesson of the week with Jackson.

  That kid was making amazing strides with his dyslexia. Of course he wasn’t going to be “cured” overnight… if ever. But he was learning to be patient and sound his words out. He still struggled with comprehension and that pesky stomachache or headache always wanted to make an appearance, but he was trying, and that’s all I could ask for.

  So when I read the email Marcus had sent me explaining what happened the night before, my heart hurt a bit for little dude. I could understand why he was upset about his dyslexia diagnosis, but to hear that he was crying over his mom… ugh. Let’s just say I wanted to hunt that twat down and punch her. She was missing out on knowing such a cool little guy, but her loss was definitely my gain—with Jackson and Marcus.

  “So, Cracker Jacks, I figured we’d start reading this today,” I told him as we sat down, and I pulled out the book that’d be our next lesson.

  “I thought we weren’t starting this until after fall break.” He scrunched up his face in confusion. He really was an adorable little shit. Not that I’d ever tell him that, though. I remember being a twelve year old, and adorable wasn’t a word he’d appreciate being called.

  “We aren’t, but I thought we could get a head start so when it’s time to study it with the class, you’ll be able to follow along just fine,” I explained.

  “Oh, cool,” Jackson said after he thought about what I said.

  We spent the next half hour reading a chapter apiece. Jackson had picked up a tad more speed in his reading and his stumbling had lessened a bit. Every improvement he made was a milestone in my opinion, and I was beyond proud of him.

  “So what do you think of this book so far?” I asked after he took his obligatory drink of water after he finished his reading.

  Jackson shrugged. “I mean, it’s okay. I saw the movie though. So I already know what happens. So why do we have to read it?”

  I laughed and held back an eye roll. “Jacks, reading the book is way different than watching the movie. There are details the movies just can’t capture.”

  Jackson snorted. “You’re such a nerd.”

  “Am not,” I denied with an exaggerated sniff.

  “Are too,” he fired back.

  I stuck my tongue out at him which received the laugh I had hoped for.

  “You’re such a little kid,” Jackson said and tried to hide his smile.

  “Says the dude who has cartoon characters on his wall,” I said with a raised eyebrow.

  “Mr. A, they are comic books. Not cartoons,” Jackson corrected me, offended that I’d call them cartoons.

  “My mistake,” I replied dryly. “I stand corrected.”

  Jackson looked back down at the book and then back at me. There was a question in his eyes and a little bit of mischief as well.

  “I see a question building in there.” I poked his temple.

  “Maybe.”

  “If you want to know something, then just ask,” I urged.

  Jackson shrugged. “Okay.”

  “Okay,” I replied and shrugged as well, as if it didn’t bother me.

  I picked up the book and started reading a few paragraphs. Jackson paid attention, as if he was actually interested in the story. And when I paused to catch my breath, that’s when he blurted out his question.

  “Are you my dad’s boyfriend?”

  I froze. I was literally an animal caught in a spotlight. I had no idea how to answer that question. This was not how he was supposed to find out. Not without Jackson’s father there to help guide me with what to say to him. Fuck!

  “What,” I croaked out. “What makes you ask that?”

  Jackson threw me a mischievous grin. “I saw you two kissing at the lake.”

  My eyes widened to the size of serving platters. “You did?”

  Jackson nodded and his grin didn’t falter. In fact it got bigger, if that was even possible.

  “Are you upset about it?” I asked. There was no point in denying it. He’d seen us, so why lie?

  “No, I think it’s pretty cool.”

  “You do?” I asked and felt some tension leave my shoulders.

  “Yeah. You’re my favorite teacher and my dad is… well he’s my dad, and I think he’s kind of awesome. So the two of you together just makes sense.”

  Out of the mouth of babes. The innocence of children before they got tainted by the real world was a magical thing. “Well, I’m glad you think it’s cool.”

  “So, you didn’t answer me,” Jackson said.

  “About what?”

  “About you being my dad’s boyfriend.”

  Oh. Shit. I thought I had dodged that question by deflecting.

  “Yes he is,” Marcus said from the doorway.

  I whipped my head around so fast I heard my neck pop. How long had he been standing there?

  “Aren’t you?” Marcus asked me, and his eyes blazed as he waited for my answer.

  “Yup,” I said without even giving Jackson a second glance. “Your dad is my boyfriend.”

  Well I guess that settled that. We hadn’t even been on an official date, and we moved right to boyfriend status. And yet, oddly enough, I was okay with it. And from the look in Marcus’s eyes, he was fine with it too.

  “Cool,” Jackson said again and started to gather up his belongings. “So Dad, can we go get pizza tonight?”

  Marcus broke our eye fucking and looked adoringly at his son. “I thought you wanted me to cook pork chops tonight.”

  “Not really feeling it,” Jackson said and hoisted his backpack on his shoulder. “I want pizza instead.”

  “Okay,” Marcus easily agreed. “Pizza it is then.”

  I laughed at the exchange. “You two have fun. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Jackson looked at me in confusion. “What are you talking about? You’re coming with us.”

  “Am I?” I asked in surprise. I had assumed that since Marcus was no longer cooking dinner, and since Jackson had found out about us, that our plans were canceled.

  “You heard him,” Marcus said and shrugged one shoulder. “You’re coming with us.”

  “Okay then, let’s go eat pizza.”

  And with that one astronomically huge exchange with an impish child, I was about to go on my first official date with my new boyfriend, and our twelve-year-old chaperone. And oddly enough, I knew it’d be a total blast.

  Chapter 19

  Marcus

  Who would’ve guessed that I’d be one of those guys who counted how long I dated someone? Certainly not me. I used to not care about that kind of stuff. Rebecca did enough of that for me. So then, why did I glance down at my calendar and realize it had been exactly one month since Anthony and I had become official “boyfriends”? And yet, while I should have cringed at using such a juvenile term, I could only smile instead.

  The past month with Anthony had been incredible. Being a single father made it hard for Anthony and I to have much alone time, but he didn’t seem to mind. In fact, most of th
e time, he acted like he wanted to see Jackson more than he wanted to see me. But I knew that was just Anthony’s way of trying to make Jackson feel included. And I had to give Anthony credit where it was due. Even though Jackson was my son and Anthony and I were together, he didn’t treat Jackson any differently than he did his other students. He was balancing on that fine line as Jackson’s teacher and the boyfriend of Jackson’s father, and doing an outstanding job at it.

  Unfortunately, there was a huge downside to not having any alone time with Anthony. Of course, when Jackson wasn’t around we’d sneak a few kisses and our hands would start to wander, but that was as far as we’d managed to get. If we were in middle school and gauging how far we had gotten by what base we were on, I’d swear we were still on first. I wouldn’t have minded if we got to second, or hell, even third, but Anthony always seemed to halt my attempts, and I wasn’t sure why. I wanted to just come out and ask him, but something held me back.

  Besides, how did one go about that without sounding like an asshole? I had been out of the dating game for so long I didn’t even know what rules were in place anymore. And it was different when two guys were involved. I was aware of the mechanics of what happened during that time, but I hadn’t actually seen it. I just needed to buckle down and do some damn research. And, as embarrassing as it was, I knew exactly who to ask during times of dire need.

  “Sheila,” I called out through my door.

  I was pretty old school with that type of thing. I truly believed in having an open door policy, with the exception of meetings or personal phone calls. And I loathed intercoms. They made me feel pretentious, and that definitely was something that I was not. I felt like having shut doors and speaking through the little box took away the personal aspects of my job.

  “What?” She called back, not even bothering to get up from her desk.

  “Get in here and shut the door, please,” I told her and tried to stop my leg from bouncing up and down with nerves.