She said last night that this was practically her prison. Well, baby, it is now. I smile. For her own sake, I hope she takes these new rules well…she’s already in for a world of hurt for what she’s done and said.
What kept me up…what robbed my sleep wasn’t any of these thoughts, though.
It was the same thoughts I’ve had before. About Lucy.
I knew she struggled. When I’d see her resisting or trying to work around a demand, I’d be more strict and severe with her. It’s when I’d be my most cruel. I don’t really want to be cruel to her. I like hurting her, sometimes just for my pleasure…but I want to be loving and kind to her too. And most of the time, I am.
I give her all of my love. I deny her nothing. Within reason anyway. I’m not a fool though. I know what I demand isn’t for everyone. I’ve had enough girlfriends throw modern feminism and equal rights crap in my face to know that Lucy isn’t like any other girl.
She understands that she needs my guidance. My devotion to making her the best wife she can be. She gets that all of my rules, demands, punishments are meant to help her, to help us. To be happy.
So why does she still resist? Why is she still struggling? Why did she run to Jake?!
Jake. Fuck! I don’t want to think about him. Her. Them.
Holding her last night, trying to sleep, then giving up. I almost thought about not punishing her…well, punishing her only lightly anyway. I thought it might be easier on us both.
I know that allowing myself to express the amount of anger I felt yesterday…that it’s dangerous. For her and me. I didn’t picture just using a belt on her. Using the buckle. I’ve never done that. Ron never even used it on us. Maybe on Mom…I’ll have to ask him.
But before I could stop myself, I pictured hitting her too. Really hitting her. Punching her face, breaking open her cheek, her lips. I pictured choking her hard enough to leave my fingerprints on her pretty neck. I pictured breaking her beautiful nose, so she’d always have a reminder of what would happen if she ever did anything like this again. I pictured letting myself be out of control.
She lied to me. Threw her phone away to hide from me. Ran off to be with my brother. Talked back. Argued. Disobeyed almost every rule.
No wonder I’m so angry. But…but I’m worried. I don’t want to lose control of myself. I can’t. It’s a promise I’ve made to myself.
I know I’m a monster. I’ve come to terms with this. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I only care about Lucy. About her obeying and submitting to me.
If I let myself the freedom to really punish her…how I know she deserves to be punished for everything she’s done…I don’t think I can…I know I can’t. I made a promise to her too. I’ll always keep my promises to her. To myself.
But how do I punish her then? How do I hurt her only a little for all of this?!
Maybe I just need a little more time…to calm down more…maybe that will help.
I look at my watch. I better get her awake. I made an appointment for her online, we need to get going.
I smile. Another reason to wait to punish her. She may be carrying my child…I wouldn’t want anything to risk that.
Chapter 16 HER
I hear Max get up. I stay quiet in bed, waiting for the front door to close behind him. I don’t know how long I have, but I breathe a little easier being alone.
I roll over. 5:20 a.m. I hesitate for only a second. I may not have another chance today. I move over to Max’s side of the bed. To the phone.
It takes too many heartbeats for him to pick up, his voice sluggish with sleep…maybe alcohol. “Hello?”
“Jake? I’m sorry to call so early…” I whisper even though I know Max is gone.
“Lucy? Are you ok?” He sounds wide awake now.
“I…I am. For now anyway.” I try not to think about what Max said last night. “I…wanted to tell you that I made a decision. You told me to make up my mind…and I…I think I have.”
“Overnight? Just like that?”
Not what I was expecting from him. I thought he’d be supportive, not sarcastic and angry. “Yes. Just like that.” I try for strong, but I can hear how petulant I sound even to me. I go back to whispering, “I don’t have long to talk…I think he went for a run, but I don’t know how long before he’ll be back.”
“Did he hurt you last night?” His dark, deep voice. So protective, so angry. So like Max’s I want to cry hearing it.
I don’t want to tell him about what Max did. “No…I’m okay…” I swallow loudly. “I know he’ll never change...what he was saying last night…I’m scared. I mean…more scared than I’ve ever been of him, Jake! I need to get somewhere safe…to get away from him!”
I hear him breathe out heavily. It seems to take him forever to answer me. “What you’re asking of me, Lucy…I…I want to help you. Shit!” He breathes again in and out, his mouth close to his phone. “I will help you, girl. But you have to be honest with me. No bullshit.” I wait, not sure what he means. “If I step in…if I interfere more than I already have…and you decide to change your mind and stay…it’ll be a lot worse for you…and me. You know that, right?”
“Yes.” My whisper is a long hiss of air out.
“You really want to leave Max? To walk away from him? From everything you have with him? You really think you can do that?”
“I…I…” I start to cry, choking on words. “I don’t know what else I can do!”
“Shhh…no more tears, Lucy…shhh.” I try to sniffle in my tears, try to stop my body from shuddering more on the bed. My knees up, arm around them. I look up at the ceiling. Oh God. To never be in this room again?! To never feel Max’s arms around me again?! I can’t...
“I don’t know, Jake. I love him…but I can’t take all of his anger…it’s too much…if you’d seen him…heard him last night…” I’m lost in tears again. I drop my head onto my knees and hold the phone like it’s Jake’s hand. Like it could actually help me right now.
“Lucy!” His sharp, hard near-shout stops my tears instantly. I hiccup from gulping in a sob. “You need to get yourself calm. Now, girl. He’s going to be back any minute and he can’t find you on the phone with me like this.” I know he’s right. That wouldn’t be good. I sniffle a little more. “Good.”
He takes a quick deep breath in and I follow his example. “He’s not going to do anything this morning. He made a promise to me and to Dad that he’d calm down. He’d wait to see if you’re pregnant.” Something in how he said it, like it hurt him to say the words. It hurts me to think them. “So you have a little time. We have a little time to think about what can be done.”
“He’s going to make me an appointment today with the doctor.” I need to know. I know that. But I’m afraid of knowing, of Max knowing really. “What if I am pregnant?”
Jake doesn’t hesitate. “I’ll still help you, Lucy. But Max will never let you leave with his child. You know that. You…you’d be better off trying to figure out how to make…how to make him happy with you again…if you think that’s even possible after yesterday…”
I know he’s right. I’ve had this same thought. It’s why I got up at 3:00 and went looking for him. To try to appease him. To make up to him. To show him…I don’t know. My mind runs from this thought. “Ok…I don’t know if I’ll be able to call you again…”
“I’ll come by later today…to talk to Max again. Ok?”
“Ok….Thanks, Jake…” I hang up quietly.
But I do know. At 3:00 a.m., I wanted to show Max that I’m still his. That I still know that he has every right to be angry with me. That he has every right to punish me however he wants. That he’s right…I will take whatever he does.
God help me. It’s what I thought then. Until he scared me with how calmly he said he would hurt me more than he already has. I’m not strong enough to take that...
And what if I am pregnant…it’s not just me I have to think about then…
Chapter 17 HIM
<
br /> Lucy looks scared. Her fingers keep squeezing each other. Her legs keep tapping against the metal drawers, making the paper below her bottom crinkle. She’s dressed again, we’re just waiting for Dr. Patel to return with results.
I chose her as Lucy’s doctor because I knew she’d be discreet and trustworthy. I allowed her to question Lucy privately on her first visit. She understands how our marriage works and she doesn’t question it. Her family ran into some trouble when she was still in med school; Dad helped them out. She understands what owing a favor means. She’s well aware that I punish Lucy sometimes. She’s seen my marks on her. She saw Lucy today, saw how she winced during the exam. She only looked at me, but said nothing.
“Lucy…” In this small room, even trying to keep my voice soft, it booms against the hard surfaces. She looks at me. My sweet, lovely Lucy. “It’s going to be okay.” I smile, trying to relax her. I stand up and take her hand in mine, pulling her against me. “I love you very much. I heard what you had to say earlier too…I know you’re scared, baby.” I kiss her palms. She usually smiles at this.
“You do?” She’s near tears. She has been since we left the apartment.
“Yes. I know…” I breathe in a little, squeezing her hands, rubbing her fingers a little more. “I know you need reassurances.” I wink at her. This usually does the trick. She knows that I’m happy with her when I do this. She does relax, but only a little. Despite everything that’s happened yesterday, this morning…I want her to be happy.
“I’m not going to hurt you. No matter what the results are today.” I hear myself saying it. I hadn’t decided this. Until now. I listen to myself making this big decision and I know it’s right…for her, for me. “I won’t punish you for yesterday.” And I know I won’t. Some part of me has decided to keep the monster locked up, away from Lucy, for good. To keep her safe always. I’ve made this decision before. I can do this now. Go on, you can admit it to yourself, coward…you’re doing it to keep us safe. She ran to Jake for a reason. And you can’t lose her.
Lucy throws herself into my arms, crying out and hysterically shedding tears. I have to brace myself to not let her fall off the exam table.
“It’s ok, baby. It’s all going to be ok.” I lift her wet chin and kiss her wet lips. “You’ve given me everything, Lucy…everything I’ve ever asked of you…I can give you this…a little space…a little time.” I kiss her again. “We’ll have a clean start…would you like that, little girl?”
She nods, more tears flowing, but her sobs gone now. “Max, I know you love me…I didn’t mean it when I said…”
“Shhh…I know…you were scared.” I kiss her again, holding her for a second longer against me before looking into her beautiful red-rimmed eyes. “I won’t make promises to you…promises I know I might not be able to keep…but I’ll try.” She nods. “I’ll try to be gentler with you. I’ll try to give you some…” This is harder to say. I don’t even know if I want to say it, but I know I have to…for her. I can’t lose her. My life is lost without her in it. She scared me yesterday, leaving like that. I won’t lose her. “I’ll try to give you some control over your day to day, baby…to allow you more…freedom.”
“You will?” I nod. She looks scared again. I don’t know why. Because she doesn’t believe me? No…
I smile, grabbing her chin harder. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to let you get away with anything, little girl. And you’ll have Jeff as your driver from now on, to take you anywhere, to keep you safe.” I may give her a little more freedom, but I’ll keep tighter tabs on her. She smiles against the pressure of my fingers. I know my little Lucy so well. We’ll be okay. She nods and sniffs.
Dr. Patel walks in again at that moment. She gives me a look, but doesn’t say anything about my hand on Lucy’s chin. “Well…I’m used to seeing tears, but usually not until I give the good news…” She laughs.
Lucy is wiping her face, still pressed against me though. I keep my arm around her.
“And good news it is. Lucy, Max…Congratulations! You’re pregnant!”
I feel Lucy shake and laugh and cry against me. I turn to hold her, bury her face against me. I’m glad I made my decision. Whatever happens…we’re forever linked. Lucy and me.
And I will keep us safe. And together.
Chapter 17 HER
On the ride home, hands linked on my knee like always. I keep looking at him. I’m never sick of staring at his handsome features. Chiseled. That’s the word used in the trashy novels I read in college.
No matter how hurt. No matter how scared. No matter how confused. I’ve always responded to him. To his strong looks. His strong voice. His strong love.
I’ve been living in a crazy state. Up. Down. Side to side. Crazy. I let myself release a stream of curses in my head…a dizzying freedom after everything that’s happened. Shit. Damn. Fuck. Shit. Ok….I’m not that creative! I laugh again and Max takes my hand and kisses it.
I feel like I’ve been told the guillotine isn’t sharp enough and I won’t be executed...long live love!
I’m suddenly sick again. Max shouts to his new driver to stop. We’re pulled in sharply to an open space by the curb and I quickly open the door, leaning out and taking in big gulps of air. I don’t vomit. Barely. I shake with small cries or laughter or both. I shake.
But I feel Max’s hand on my back. His gentle, sweet hand.
No matter what else happens. I will always remember this moment.
His child inside me. His loving touch at my discomfort. His attentive command to stop the car just when I need it stopped. That he loves me. I know this. Right here. Right now. I don’t doubt. I won’t ever doubt again that his love can conquer anything, even my fears and his anger.
I don’t feel the rest. I hear. But I don’t feel.
Chapter 18 HER
I don’t need to open my eyes to know that I’m in a hospital room. The smell. The sounds. Beeps, hisses, muffled voices and footsteps, metal on metal clangs in a distance.
I want to drift back to sleep. I don’t want to open my eyes. I don’t want to see.
A single tear escapes my right eye, but I don’t feel it until it drops onto my shoulder.
I drift. Thankfully, I drift.
.…..
I feel a prick on my arm and moan. “I’m sorry, honey.”
A nurse smiling at me. That’s the first thing I see. Her hand pressing on the inside of my left elbow. My left arm lying on a white sheet. Tubes come out of my left hand. I follow them up to a bag of clear liquid, back down. I turn my head a little. My right arm is wrapped. I swallow several times and she brings me a cup with a straw. Cool water hits my throat and I don’t think I’ve loved the feel of anything more in my life.
I cough a little and she plumps up pillows behind me. My face feels funny. Like I don’t have control of it.
“Your family is going to be very happy to see your baby blues open, honey.” She walks towards the door. “I’ll get the doctor too.” I want to tell her to stop. Wait. Please!
But she’s gone.
I close my eyes, but the solace of sleep is lost to me. I hold my breath waiting. I keep my eyes closed.
I can hear the door open. It’s quiet but the sound from the hall gets louder for a moment.
“It’s good to see you awake. How are you feeling?”
A stranger. A doctor. I open my eyes. He’s youngish, smiling, looking at a chart. Nice, clean cut. I vomit on him.
He steps back quickly and goes into the hall, “Nurse!”
But he returns to my side and pulls the sheets to cover the small vomit on the side of the bed. He wipes my face and the front of my gown. I’m too weak to turn away from him. Too numb. He removes his jacket, leaving it on the floor without a care.
A nurse quickly comes in and he directs him to get a maintenance person in here right away.
Then he smiles at me again. Nice. I want to cry and apologize, but I’m silent, watching the movie around me. “Feel a little bet
ter?”
I only nod. “Do you know where you are?” He puts a light on my eyes and directs me to follow it.
“In the hospital?” My voice cracks. He picks up the cup and straw and holds it for me. “Take small sips.” I do. Keeping my eyes on him.
“Yes. You were brought in this morning. Do you know your name?”
“Lucy Traeger.”
“Good. How about what day it is?”
“Saturday.”
“Good, Lucy. You don’t have a concussion. You have lacerations…cuts…to your right side. And your wrist and rib are bruised. But you’re fine.” He pats the bed. “And your baby is fine.”
I’m trying to understand what he’s saying.
“What happened? Why am…” I cough again, splitting pain to head and neck. My right side exploding with hot throbbing pain. He gives me the straw again. I close my eyes and wait for this to subside a little.
“What’s the last thing you remember?”
“Max.” Saying his name is a new kind of pain.
“That’s…that’s your husband?” Why is he looking as white as the sheets on this bed now? I nod, but this only sends shooting pains to my right eye and temple. I lift my fingers to this side and feel gauze and bandages. No wonder I feel like I’m hearing through a thick cotton blanket.
“You were in an accident. A car accident. You’re fine.” He doesn’t look as young or as sweet. He looks tired and dragged through something smelly now.
“Where’s my husband…Max?!” I don’t know why my voice sounds so strange, so high, so panicked…well, it’s always high, but still…why is this doctor looking at me…like I’m deranged? This isn’t a movie, doc…just tell me where he is!
“You were both in the accident and…and your husband didn’t make it…I’m so sorry…”
I blink. Blink. Blink. Blinkblink.
“What…what…” I blink the hot tears down my cheeks. “What….Max! Max!” I yell, despite the pain in my head, my body. I scream his name. I know he’ll come running in the room any second. I know he’ll hit this man for lying to me. I know he’ll make everything ok. He has to…he has to…Max!
True Control 4.2: A Dark Romance (True Series Book 5) Page 6
