The Wasted Years

by Mary Larkin

  Or perhaps, as her mother was always pointing out, she read too many romantic novels. The man Annie dreamed of meeting would be loving and passionate; sweep her off her feet. Kiss her and hug her whenever the notion took him. She sighed as her thoughts ran on. Even the thought of how things could be made her feel all mellow. Her mother was right all the same … she would have to learn to control her tongue or, awful thought, she might even scare Mr Right away. With these thoughts she entered the house, prepared to eat humble pie to keep the peace.

  That night, as she sat on the opposite side of the hearth from Joe, Rosaleen found herself examining him but could not agree with Annie. As far as appearance went, Joe was all man: tall, broad-shouldered and handsome. Were his good looks a bit too pretty, though? No, not really. With his fair hair and thick-lashed pale grey eyes, he wasn’t as rugged as Sean, but neither was he soppy-looking. Annie, not being aware of his problem, was doing him an injustice.

  As the weeks passed and Rosaleen started to get bigger, Joe, released from the pressure of having to perform his duty now that she was pregnant, suggested moving into the spare room.

  ‘You need a bed to yourself, love,’ he explained with a tender smile. ‘I don’t want to crush you now you’re getting bigger.’ And he gave her stomach a patronising pat.

  Annoyed, the look Rosaleen gave him was so long and appraising that he blushed bright red. He became so flustered she felt pity replace the annoyance, and thanked him bleakly for his thoughtfulness. She had not married him to sleep alone, but, she reminded herself, it would be better on her own than having to put up with Joe starting something he could not finish. Perhaps she would not feel so frustrated. Sometimes she was angry with Sean for making her aware just what she was missing out on. She had not expected to enjoy that side of married life and she would not have known any better, but then, she reminded herself, she would probably have ended up childless; this way she would at least become a mother.

  Rosaleen worked up until six weeks before the baby was due, to help pay for the bathroom. Joe didn’t want her to, because with the threat of war all the big engineering firms were making parts for planes and ships and his small business was doing well on smaller home jobs, but she preferred to be active and the money would come in handy. She knew how lucky she was; not many young married couples were able to afford their own house. And she got on very well with her mother-in-law, which was another blessing; none of the married girls in work could abide their mothers-in-law.

  Joe’s father had died when he was very young and he had left money in trust for Joe and that was how he had been able to start up on his own. He was an only child, so Rosaleen had been afraid his mother might be over possessive. But no, if anything, she clung more to Rosaleen than she did to Joe, and since she lived just around the corner in Cavendish Street, this was a blessing.

  Annie’s romance with George had died a natural death once her mother stopped talking about him and a delighted Thelma confided in Rosaleen that Annie had a new boyfriend, a Catholic!

  Every Tuesday night, when Joe went to the confraternity in Clonard Monastery, Rosaleen accompanied him as far as Dunmore Street. There they parted company, Joe going down Dunmore Street towards the monastery and Rosaleen going on up the Springfield Road to visit her mother; to be collected later by Joe.

  A smile curved her lips as she walked up the Springfield Road this particular night. Tonight she was meeting Annie’s boyfriend. A paragon of virtues as far as her mother was concerned (although he had been on the scene just a few short weeks).

  When she opened the kitchen door and saw Sean sitting at the fireside, she almost fainted. Why had she not asked the name of Annie’s boyfriend? Clinging to the door for support, she drew long gasping breaths into her lungs, fighting the dark cloud that threatened to engulf her.

  Sean was on his feet instantly, and putting an arm around her. He half carried her to the settee and made her sit down. He was dismayed; he had not meant to take her unawares. How come she did not know about him? Annie was a chatter-box, so how could Rosaleen be unaware that he was dating her sister?

  ‘What’s wrong, Rosaleen? Have you started? Do you think the baby’s comin’?’ Her mother’s voice was shrill with panic. ‘Will I send for the nurse? Eh? Will I? Some first babies come early.’

  Pushing his arm away from her, Rosaleen turned thankfully to her distracted mother.

  ‘I’m all right, Mam. Just a bit faint. Could I have some water, please?’ She was playing for time, trying to still her racing heart.

  Sipping the water, she smiled weakly at her mother. ‘I think I had better go straight home again, Mam. Just in case.’

  She wanted to get away from Sean’s disturbing presence, but to her dismay he immediately said, ‘I’ll see her home.’

  ‘Oh, would you, Sean? And will you stay with her ’til Joe comes home from the confraternity? I’ll chase him home the minnit he comes.’

  ‘Of course I will.’

  ‘No! No … what about Annie?’ Rosaleen wailed. She could not bear to be alone with him.

  ‘Sure she’ll not be ready for another half hour. Ye know what she’s like. She can go down with Joe when he comes. Sean won’t mind. Sure you won’t, Sean?’

  ‘No, no, I’ll be glad to see her home.’

  ‘By the way, Rosaleen …’ Her mother bestowed a fond smile on Sean. ‘I suppose you’ve already guessed that this is Annie’s new boyfriend?’

  Rosaleen nodded mutely and rose to her feet. She needed to get home, to be alone to sort out how Sean dating Annie would affect her life.

  At last they were out on the street, away from her mother’s fussing. Sean examined her from the corner of his eye. He saw the bloom of her skin, the thick lashes that he knew concealed the vivid green of her eyes. Here she was, full of another man’s child, and still he wanted her; craved for her touch.

  Rosaleen plodded along beside him, feeling fat and ungainly. Wishing that she had worn her green swagger coat. What on earth was she saving it for? She was aware that her ankles and hands were swollen and that her hair needed washing. Why hadn’t she paid more attention to her appearance before she came out?

  Dear God, what was she thinking of? What did it matter how she looked? She was another man’s wife! Aghast at her thoughts, she quickened her step and Sean lengthened his stride to suit hers.

  ‘Take your time, I’m not going to bite you.’

  ‘Seems to me I heard those assurances from you once before. To my cost,’ she cried bitterly.

  His lips tightened, but he bit back the angry retort that sprang to them. He had thought that if he saw her again, especially as Annie had mentioned that her sister was expecting a baby, he would be able to lay her ghost. But, no, every pore of his body still ached for her.

  At the door of her home, Rosaleen turned to him with a relieved sigh. ‘Thank you for seeing me home. I’ll be all right now.’

  She made no attempt to open the door. She did not want to see him in her home; he would fill it with ghosts.

  But Sean had other ideas. ‘If you won’t invite me in, I’ll wait here until your … your husband comes.’ He found his tongue stumbled over the word ‘husband’, and this made him more angry still. He glared down at her and growled, ‘I promised to stay with you until your … until he comes, and I intend to do just that.’

  Resigned, she silently opened the door and he followed her inside. ‘Would you like a cup of tea?’ she asked sullenly.

  He was no bigger than Joe but seemed to fill the room. She felt an insane longing to fall into his arms and weep, which terrified her.

  ‘No, thank you. Here … gimme your coat.’ He gently helped her off with it. ‘Now sit down and rest.’

  She obeyed him and watched him hang her coat at the foot of the stairs, her eyes wide with fear.

  Seeing the expression, he cried in exasperation: ‘For heaven’s sake, stop looking at me like that. I’m not going to tell anyone we went out together.’

  �
�May knows.’

  Alarm flared in his eyes, and his jaw dropped slightly. He did not want to cause her any trouble.

  ‘She doesn’t know about…’ His hands made motions in the air and hot, vivid colour rushed to her face when she realised what he meant.

  ‘Oh, no! No!’

  He smiled slightly at her indignation. ‘Well, then, you can warn her off, can’t you? Isn’t she trustworthy?’

  Dear God … it sounded as if he intended being around for a long time.

  ‘Are you serious about our Annie?’ she asked, her look beseeching him to deny it.

  ‘Why not?’ he asked reasonably.

  ‘You’re doing this for badness, aren’t you? You’re getting your own back on me.’

  ‘Don’t flatter yourself.’ His nostrils widened in disdain. ‘I admit I first danced with Annie because she was your sister, but don’t underestimate her. She’s a lovely girl, warm and kind, and I find her charming.’ His shoulders rose slightly. ‘One thing led to another and … why shouldn’t we date? We’re both free.’

  He refrained from telling her that she was often the topic of conversation; that he milked Annie dry obtaining information about her. He was surprised that Annie had not twigged on, but she was very fond of Rosaleen and enjoyed talking about her.

  ‘She’s too young for you, so she is!’ Rosaleen cried indignantly. ‘She’s only seventeen.’

  He smiled wryly. ‘Well now, she says she’s almost eighteen.’

  ‘Oh, she’s only a child, so she is!’

  He watched her through narrowed eyes. ‘Do you know something? Annie is more worldly than you. She has no strong beliefs about kissing and hugging.’

  He saw her go pale and sinking to his haunches beside her, gripped her hands. ‘Don’t look like that,’ he begged. ‘Please … I was having you on. I assure you I’ve never taken advantage of Annie. As you say, she’s very young. I’ll never harm her.’

  She looked at him, and although her eyes swam with tears, he could see the pain there.

  ‘I wish you’d repected me, like that.’

  Her voice was sad and he gripped her hands tighter still.

  ‘Ah, Rosaleen … I did respect you,’ he cried in dismay. Her lips pressed tightly together and she shook her head in disbelief.

  Cupping her face in his hands, he pleaded, ‘Believe me, Rosaleen, please. I did respect you … but I loved you, too, and one got in the way of the other.’

  ‘Well then, please don’t do this,’ she begged. ‘Leave our Annie alone.’

  ‘Ah now, Rosaleen. That’s not fair,’ he countered. ‘I’m a young man, and I intend to marry and have children, and I really am very fond of Annie.’

  The child in her womb chose that moment to turn over and she thought wildly, It knows. It knows he’s its father.

  And soon everybody would know of her shame if she produced a dark-haired boy the picture of him. How would she be able to hide the truth if he was there for all to compare them?

  The closeness of her, the soft trembling lips were his downfall. Unable to help himself, he kissed her. A kiss full of hunger and need. How she got the strength to pull her mouth away from his she would never know, because her whole body cried out for want of him, but with a vicious shove she sent him flying. Crouched on his haunches as he was, her push took him unawares and he found himself sprawled on the carpet.

  ‘Don’t you dare touch me again, do you hear me? Don’t ever touch me again,’ she cried, her voice rising hysterically. ‘You’re evil, and I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.’

  The sound of Joe’s key in the lock halted her tirade. Gulping deep in her throat for control, she cried, ‘Get up, you fool. Get up. It’s Joe and Annie.’

  When Joe entered the room, she was lying back on the settee and Sean was coming from the kitchen with a glass of water in his hand.

  ‘How are you, love?’ Joe asked, hovering anxiously over her.

  ‘I’m fine, Joe, fine.’

  Sipping from the glass of water, dismay filled her when, over Joe’s shoulder, she saw the anxious faces of her parents as well as Annie. They mustn’t stay. They must go and take Sean with them.

  Since she had left work, she had become very close to her father; him being on the sick this past four months and at home all day, and her mother doing home help to a neighbour, meant she saw more of him than she did of her mother. Now her eyes pleaded with him and he did not let her down.

  ‘I think she should go to bed,’ he said.

  Then, as if in answer to her plea, he added, ‘It’s rest ye need, love, being so near yer time. Away t’bed. I’ll come down tomorrow and see how ye are.’

  Thanks, Da.’

  ‘Maybe I should stay off work tomorrow, eh, Rosaleen? Just in case,’ her mother asked anxiously.

  ‘No, Mam, that won’t be necessary. Old Mrs Grant needs you. I’ll be all right. If I need you, me da’ll go for you. OK?’

  ‘All right, love, we’ll go now and let you get t’bed.’

  To her relief, Annie and Sean left with them, Annie promising to bring Sean back when Rosaleen was feeling better. This caused Joe to insist that they come back on Saturday night, all being well, and Rosaleen thought she would die when Sean quickly took him up on the offer. How was she going to bear seeing Sean and Annie together, watching Annie fawn all over him?

  Joe was working late the following night and Rosaleen decided to meet May coming out of work, to ask for her silence about the fact that Sean had once fancied her. She had worried all day about the coming Saturday night visit and felt the walk out in the air would do her good. It was some time since she had seen May and had come to the conclusion that she must be courting.

  From where she stood waiting on the corner where the Kashmir Road met Cupar Street, Rosaleen saw May come through the gates of the factory deep in conversation with Billy Mercer, foreman over the fitters who maintained the looms. To her surprise, she saw Billy bend and kiss May before they parted, he heading for the Shankill Road and May walking towards Rosaleen. Her jaw dropped slightly and bright colour stained her cheeks when she saw Rosaleen, but her arms reached out and she greeted her warmly.

  ‘Rosaleen! Oh, you’re a sight for sore eyes. What brings you here?’ Returning her hug, Rosaleen jerked her head after Billy’s retreating figure.

  ‘What’s all that about?’

  ‘Oh, I’ve been out with him a few times.’

  May’s voice was airy and Rosaleen eyed her closely.

  ‘Well, what brings you here?’ May repeated.

  ‘I want to talk to you about something. Can you come up to the house for a while after you get your tea and we’ll have a natter? It’s been ages since I saw you.’

  ‘Ah, Rosaleen, I’m sorry, but I’m going out with Billy.’

  All Rosaleen’s problems receded when she thought of the implications of May going out with Billy.

  ‘May!’ she gasped. ‘He’s a divorced man. Your da will kill you if he finds out.’

  John Brady was a violent man, a real bully, and May had many a time arrived at work with a black eye when she had been unfortunate enough to incur his wrath.

  She shivered now and retorted, ‘Do you think I don’t know that? I’ve nightmares about him finding out.’

  Bewildered, Rosaleen cried, ‘Then why take chances?’

  With a resigned sigh, May stopped in the middle of the pavement and faced her. ‘Look, Rosaleen, it’s all right for you to talk. With your looks you could pick and choose and you got the most eligible bachelor around here. You don’t know what it’s like to be an onlooker. You’ve never sat a dance out in your life, but me …’ Her finger poked her own chest to demonstrate her point. ‘I’m twenty-two and I’ve never had a guy serious about me. Until now.’

  Her gaze wavered and fell before Rosaleen’s steady look.

  ‘Billy wants to marry me,’ she finished flatly, with a defiant tilt of the head.

  ‘But you can’t marry him! He’s old … and he’s divo
rced. The Church won’t let you marry him.’

  The horror Rosaleen felt at the very idea of her friend wanting to marry Billy came across in her words, and May clasped her hand to her head and laughed. Then, with a deep sigh, she once more looked at Rosaleen. ‘You’re so innocent. He doesn’t want to marry me in church, and he isn’t all that old – only ten years older than me.’

  Aghast, Rosaleen thought, this can’t be happening. Why, May was too good-living to contemplate marrying anywhere but in church.

  They had reached the corner of Dunmore Street. This would take Rosaleen out on to the Springfield Road near Iris Street and thus to Iris Drive.

  As she paused, she sensed relief in May’s voice when she said, ‘Look, Rosaleen, I’ll have to run now. I’m meeting Billy at seven and I’ve loads to do. I’ll come up next Tuesday night when Joe’s at Clonard and tell you all about it. OK?’

  ‘OK. Don’t forget now, I’ll be waiting for you.’

  ‘No, I promise. See ya.’

  Rosaleen turned away, but May caught her attention again with a shout. ‘Hey! What did you want to see me about?’

  ‘Good Lord, I forgot about that.’

  Rosaleen moved closer again and May said with a wry twist of her lips, ‘It can’t be very important.’

  ‘Well, it seemed important until I heard about your romance,’ Rosaleen cried indignantly. ‘You knocked the wind out me, so you did.’ She rolled her eyes at May. ‘It’s just – well, our Annie is going out with Sean Devlin. You remember Sean, don’t you?’

  May laughed. ‘Tall, dark and handsome? How could I forget?’

  ‘Well, I just want to make sure you don’t let the cat out of the bag if you happen to meet them. Remember, I was engaged to Joe when I went out with Sean and it could cause all kinds of complications.’