The Wasted Years

by Mary Larkin

  Annie rushed upstairs to get ready to go out with him, wrapped in a bubble of happiness. When her mother had answered his knock on the door and ushered him into the kitchen, she had been unable to believe her eyes. Even when she was in the scullery making him a cup of tea, she had found herself going to glance into the kitchen to make sure that he was really there.

  Since meeting him, her thoughts had been full of him; he even managed to invade her dreams at night, where she was forever chasing him, only to see him fade away as she approached. However, his letters to her had been friendly … no more … the kind of letters that he would write to his young sister. Even she, in her bemused state, had been unable to read anything serious into them. Now, as if in answer to her fervent prayers, here he was! He had just arrived home today. Surely this would not have been his first port of call, unless he cared for her.

  To make things even more perfect, her mother doted on him and she could see that her father respected him. It would be lovely to do something that had her parents’ blessing for a change. If only … Oh, if only he would fall in love with her, she would spend the rest of her life making him happy. But, according to Sean, her father had been right in his prophecy of war. If it happened, Sean would be plunged straight into it. What if he was killed? This thought dampened her happiness and brought her to her knees beside the bed. Please … please God, don’t let anything happen to him, and bring him safely home to me. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me, and if you do, I promise …’

  Her muttered prayer trailed off and aghast she chastised herself. What was she thinking of? You didn’t try to blackmail God. God was good! You trusted him. His will be done! And with a muttered excuse, she rose to her feet and finished her preparations.

  Annie called in on her way home from work the next night to inform them that, bar word from the Navy, she and Sean would be down on Saturday night, and when Rosaleen saw the happiness that spilled from her, she envied her. A man should be able to excite you and make you happy like that. Not dampen your spirits by making everything seem sinful.

  As she prepared for their visit on Saturday night, there was a quiet happiness in her heart but she was aware that she had better be careful. Neither Annie nor Joe was a fool, and she did not want them to become suspicious.

  These thoughts startled her, brought her to a standstill, to examine her thoughts with dismay. Suspicious of what?

  She was acting as if she and Sean were lovers. If only they were! Oh, if only they were! Shame made her cheeks burn at the longing in her, and she wept as she begged God’s forgiveness for her sinful thoughts. What on earth was she coming to?

  On Saturday night, she remained in the kitchen when Joe went to answer the knock on the door. She was so worked up that she was afraid to greet Sean under Joe’s watchful gaze. Afraid of blushing and stammering like a schoolgirl. That was what she felt like – a teenager in love.

  Annie joined her in the kitchen and Rosaleen was pleased when she exclaimed at the assorted dishes that had been prepared.

  ‘You’re becoming a proper wee housewife, aren’t you?’ she teased.

  ‘It helps pass the time. I find the days long, even with Laura to look after. She’s such a good baby.’

  ‘Dad would mind her for a few hours a day, Joe’s mother even would take her,’ Annie exclaimed. ‘Either of them would be glad to earn a wee bit of money. Why don’t you go back to work, part-time? It would give you a bit of independence, so it would.’

  ‘Joe would never hear tell of me leaving Laura. Oh, no. Not that I would anyhow. She’s far too young to leave,’ Rosaleen cried, surprised at Annie for suggesting such a thing.

  Aware of many friends who had no choice but to leave their children, and had to work to keep the wolf from the door, Annie grimaced at Rosaleen’s indignation and holding a hand up in protest, retorted, ‘It was just a thought. No offence meant.’

  ‘Sorry, Annie,’ Rosaleen apologised. ‘I’m awful edgy lately. I must be run down.’

  ‘Perhaps you’re pregnant again?’

  ‘No, no …’ Rosaleen could not help smiling faintly at this idea. Chance would be a fine thing. Joe had yet to offer to share her bed again, and she had vowed that she would not invite him. The first move must come from him.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ Annie asked huffily. She hated to be treated like a child, and she thought Rosaleen was being patronising.

  ‘Ah, Annie, I didn’t mean to offend you. Let’s not squabble. Let’s enjoy ourselves, eh?’

  With a smile, Annie acknowledged the logic of what Rosaleen said and in good spirits they entered the living room.

  At first, Rosaleen thought she was imagining that Sean was slighting her. Not that ‘slighting’ was the right word, but considering all that they had been through together, he was treating her like a casual acquaintance. As the evening wore on, she became more and more depressed. What had she done wrong? Did he think it was all right to tease and flirt with her, as long as Annie wasn’t present? Was he serious about her? Could she bear to have him as a brother-in-law? Her thoughts swung this way and that, and dismay filled her when she realised that he was in the right and she was wrong. She was a married woman, and he was making it plain to her that he was interested in Annie, and only Annie.

  Well … she didn’t want him to be interested in her. Had she implied that she did? Had she been too forward? Red blazed in her cheeks at the very idea, and she found herself sitting closer to Joe, hurt and bewildered.

  Since he could read her like a book, Sean knew that she was confused and hurt. He wanted to get her alone, to explain why he was acting so strangely, but the opportunity did not arise. Anyhow, he knew that to explain would only undo all his careful work. He knew without a doubt that Joe was suspicious, had seen it in his eyes as he watched them together. Sean’s lips tightened when he saw Joe put his arm around Rosaleen and draw her close in a possessive manner, and he in turn placed his arm around Annie’s shoulders. With a pleased smile she moved closer. Too late, Sean realised that he had made a mistake. He was acting like a callow youth instead of a mature man. Joe had every right to put his arm around Rosaleen, after all, she was the man’s wife, and the sooner he accepted that fact the better. With war about to be announced, he should be thinking of getting married. He was the only son in a family of five, and it was up to him to keep the family name going.

  The evening dragged a bit, and it was with relief that he agreed with Annie when she suggested that it was time they were getting a move on. At the door he took Rosaleen’s hand in his, a cold limp hand that did not return the pressure of his fingers. And when he bent to kiss her cheek she drew away from him, and the hurt, reproachful look she gave him cut him to the heart. It also made all his efforts appear to be in vain because he saw Joe’s eyes narrow at Rosaleen’s action, and guessed that Joe probably thought that he and Rosaleen had disagreed in some way or other. And now he would be wondering how and when they’d had the opportunity to disagree.

  He was making a mess of everything. With a curt farewell, he left the house, a happy Annie hanging on his arm.

  As she brushed her hair before retiring for the night, Rosaleen went over the entire evening, word for word. No, she had not been mistaken. Sean had kept her at arm’s length. How dare he! HOW DARE HE! To come into her home and treat her like that. Remembering the wonderful rapport of Tuesday afternoon, her heart sank. Had she made a fool of herself? Did he think that she was trying to charm him? Was this his way of warning her off? Her lips tightened angrily at the thought. Well, he would never get the chance to humiliate her again. From now on, as far as she was concerned, he just did not exist. She would show him! With this thought, in despair, she threw herself on top of the bedclothes. This would never do. She was a married woman. In future she must act like one.

  Joe’s hand on her shoulder startled her.

  ‘Are you all right, Rosaleen?’

  Glad that she had not given in to the desire to weep, she assured him. ‘Y
es. Why shouldn’t I be all right? What would be wrong?’

  She was surprised to see him in her bedroom; he usually avoided the intimacy of that setting. Now he sat down on the edge of the bed and his eyes roamed over her face, then down the soft curves of her body. She was lovely … desirable and sweet. He did not blame Sean for fancying her, but she should know better than to encourage him.

  ‘Have you and Sean had a disagreement?’ he asked casually.

  She gaped at him in amazement, ‘Of course not. Whatever gave you that idea? Why, I haven’t seen Sean since he left here on Tuesday afternoon, so I haven’t.’

  Her surprise was obviously genuine, and he began to doubt the evidence of his own eyes. Was it jealousy that had made him think that there was something going on between her and Sean? His eyes searched her face, but she held his gaze steadily and his eyes were the first to fall away.

  ‘Was that what brought you into the lion’s den, eh?’ she hissed. ‘Did you come in to make accusations? Are you not afraid to be alone with me?’

  To her surprise, he rose and slowly drawing her into his arms, sank his face into the softness of her hair. She stood stiff as he hugged her close, feeling the desire mount in him. She did not want this … could not bear, tonight of all nights, to be left frustrated. Unhappiness was sharp within her breast.

  ‘Rosaleen … please be kind. Please?’ He gulped deep in his throat, ‘I can’t help myself. Do you think I like being the way I am? Do you think I don’t want… to … to … oh, you know what I mean.’ His voice trailed off miserably and compassion smote her.

  ‘You could see a doctor.’ She drew back and gazed up at him beseechingly. ‘I’d go with you,’ she offered.

  ‘No.’ His voice was stubborn. ‘No, I won’t see a doctor.’ He swallowed deeply and continued haltingly. ‘Rosaleen, I don’t think … that you understand.’

  Wide-eyed, she returned his look. ‘Don’t understand what?’

  ‘Well, you see, the physical act of love …’

  She interrupted him angrily. ‘You mean intercourse?’

  His eyes narrowed and his lips tightened. ‘Don’t be so crude.’

  ‘Oh, but I’m not being crude,’ she assured him, adding with a knowing nod of the head, ‘That’s the name for it.’

  ‘Well, whether you believe it or not, the act is not all that important. It’s for procreation, not for pleasure or lust.’

  Again she interrupted him. ‘What about love, eh? Aren’t you forgetting about love? Do you love me, Joe?’

  ‘Of course I love you!’ he cried in amazement. ‘How can you doubt it?’

  ‘Huh! With little difficulty.’ Her voice became coaxing, ‘Joe, if you love me … go to the doctor. Find out what’s wrong with you.’

  His look remained mutinous and he drew her close again. ‘Perhaps if we try again … Eh, love?’ he pleaded, and as his hands began their exploration of her body, she cringed inside. Now she knew why he always made her feel so dirty. He believed he was committing a sin, and unconsciously the message came across to her. Closing her eyes, she prayed that this time it would be different; that this time he would succeed, but she was not really hopeful …

  Sean was also angry with himself. All he had succeeded in doing was hurting Rosaleen and making Joe more suspicious than ever. And another thing … Annie was getting more serious about him. It was not fair leading her on, just because he wanted to be in Rosaleen’s company. Since he did not intend to marry her, he must break it off and leave her free to meet someone else. Yes, he would break it off, but not until the end of his leave. He wanted to see Rosaleen one more time … just one more time.

  He sighed. He was kidding himself. There would always be one more time, and he was using Annie while she was falling in love with him. Would it be so wrong to marry her? He was very fond of her, and he knew that he could make her happy, and he had enough money saved for a deposit on a house. They could buy one far away. Up the Glen Road, or even on the other side of town – Glengormley, for instance. It was a nice village, and he would still see Rosaleen now and again.

  His thoughts were in a turmoil when they arrived at Annie’s front door, and to his surprise she did not invite him in for coffee as she usually did. Instead, she stopped in the hall and when he followed her in, closed the hall door. In the intimacy of the enclosed space, she leant against the wall and eyed him expectantly. In a dilemma, he returned her gaze; dark blue eyes locked on green, so like Rosaleen’s. Contrary to what Rosaleen might think, he had never touched Annie. Just a chaste kiss on the cheek or brow, in spite of much encouragement. Now he was tempted … he would be going back to sea soon and, who knew, he might not return.

  He knew Annie well enough to ask her to marry him and on his next leave, if God spared him, they could get married. It would be nice to know that he had a wife waiting for him and perhaps, in time, a child. If war was declared, and there didn’t seem any doubt about it now, it would be no picnic, and Annie was lovely and sweet and in love with him. Slowly, he reached for her and when her arms crept up around his neck, and the soft curves of her body pressed close to his, he felt passion rise. His lips sought hers and he kissed her long and hard, but try though he did to dispel it, Rosaleen’s face, swimming behind his closed eyelids, kept him from going any further. With a sigh of regret, he put Annie firmly away from him. Her mouth opened to protest, but he was saved by her mother’s voice, coming from the kitchen, inquiring suspiciously what was keeping Annie.

  With a grimace, she gave him a reproachful look and asked, ‘Well, will I be seeing you again?’

  As though she had said it, he realised that she was going out on a limb; that she was giving him an ultimatum.

  After some thought, he found himself nodding. ‘Tomorrow night? Shall I pick you up at seven?’

  With a relieved sigh, she nodded, planted a quick kiss on his lips, and bade him goodnight. She was happy; without speaking, she had managed to inquire whether or not his intentions were honourable. He, much to her delight, had indicated that they were, and now all was well with her world.

  Rosaleen stayed away from her mother’s house while Sean was on leave, afraid of meeting him. Afraid of betraying how he affected her. Although she longed to see him in case war was declared.

  If it was, she might never see him again. She saw Annie, and in a happy confiding mood her sister told her that Sean had committed himself, that his intentions were serious. The future stretched before Rosaleen, long and painful, as she pictured him as her brother-in-law.

  The declaration of war came as a surprise to the people of the Falls Road. First the general election and then the riots had hogged the headlines of the newspapers, and although everybody was aware that Hitler was taking all in front of him, they had their own troubles and strife, and had not expected England to declare war on Germany.

  Rosaleen heard the announcement as she stood at the kitchen sink peeling potatoes.

  ‘Today, England has declared war on Germany.’ The rest of Mr Chamberlain’s words coming over the radio were lost on Rosaleen as she stood aghast. With sinking heart, she wished she had not been so proud and foolish. Sean would be called back at once, and what if he did not return? What if he was killed? She might never see him again. Panic gripped her. She just had to see him again. She must see him somehow! Joe visited his mother every Sunday night, so tonight when he was round in Cavendish Street she would nip up and see her parents. Annie had remarked that her mam was inquiring if anything was wrong, it was so long since she had visited them, so tonight she would keep Laura up late, and go up to Colinward Street and, with a bit of luck, see Sean.

  Fate was against her, however. Sean had taken Annie out for a meal, to celebrate their engagement. As soon as he had heard the announcement of war, he had proposed to her with a ring ready – a ring that had belonged to his grandmother. For an hour and a half Rosaleen listened to her mother rave about the virtues of Sean. Describing how big the stone in Annie’s ring was. ‘Every bit as bi
g as yours Rosaleen,’ she gushed. Just when Rosaleen thought she could bear it no longer, Joe arrived from his mother’s. After a quick cup of tea, a relieved Rosaleen wrapped Laura’s blanket around her, settled her in her pram and prepared to go home.

  As they said their farewells at the door, her father casually let drop that Sean had been called back to his ship, and that he was leaving first thing in the morning. Tears stung Rosaleen’s eyes at this news. To think he was leaving without saying goodbye to her and Joe and Laura. She would never forgive him, she vowed. Never.

  On the way home, she only half listened to Joe moaning on about taking Laura out in the cold night air.

  ‘Your mother looked all right to me,’ he fumed. ‘What was wrong with her?’

  To cover the lie she had told him as an excuse to visit so late at night, Rosaleen assured him that her mother had been unwell but was recovering. Still, he lamented, she wasn’t bad enough to justify taking Laura out at night; it could be the death of her. And on and on he went. As usual, when Joe kept lamenting about something, she began to worry in case the cold night air did affect Laura. What if she caught a cold and one thing led to another and she died? It would be her fault, and Joe would not let her forget it. She wished he would, now and again, be a comfort to her, instead of always making her feel in the wrong. Even when she was in the right and he was in the wrong, he was able to twist things about until she was the one who ended up feeling guilty and miserable.

  He made her feel so inadequate, her life was becoming one big well of guilt and remorse. Arriving home she bade him an abrupt goodnight and carried Laura straight up the stairs, away from his recriminations, vowing to bathe her in the morning.