The Wasted Years

by Mary Larkin

  Normally he was away to work before she descended the stairs and she greeted him with surprise.

  ‘Did you sleep in?’

  ‘No, I want to talk to you. You were too tired last night. Too preoccupied …’ His eyes scanned her pale face, noting her heavy eyes, and he frowned. ‘Are you all right?’

  ‘Huh? Oh, yes, I’m fine. What do you want to talk to me about?’

  He grimaced before saying, ‘I don’t know how to say this … you’ll think I’m daft … but, well, I’ve joined up.’

  Bewildered, she asked blankly, ‘Joined up what?’

  ‘I’ve enlisted. You know … joined the army.’

  ‘But why?’ Rosaleen was dumbfounded. Everybody was thanking God that there was no conscription here in Ireland; that there was no need for married men to worry about having to leave their wives and children, and here was Joe saying he had joined up. ‘You’re right. I do think you’re daft. You don’t have to go.’

  ‘It’s like this, Rosaleen. There is just not enough work for me and Owen.’ Seeing that she was still bewildered, and guessing what she was thinking, he reached over and took her hand in his.

  ‘I know what you’re going to say. I’m the boss. Let Owen Black go. But, Rosaleen, he’s in his forties, he’s got four kids, and besides, he’s too old and won’t be able to get another job. Especially now the big foundries are all closing down for lack of material to carry out repairs. Rosaleen, things are in a bad way … hundreds are being thrown out of work every week. I think it’s a ruse to get more young men to join up, but whatever the reason, it’s up to the young men to join. Leave what jobs there are for the older men.’

  Realising that what he said was true and not wanting to whinge, she remained silent. He continued, ‘With me away, Owen will keep the business going. Even if he only gets the odd wee building contract, it will keep it running until the war’s over, and I can trust him to put something away every week, no matter how small. It’ll be waiting for me coming home … but it’ll be in a joint account, so that if you should need any money, you have just to go to the bank. I doubt if he’ll get any iron. In fact, they’re talking about taking the railings off the parks. That’s how bad it it. But he should get enough work to keep one man going.’ He chucked her under the chin. ‘At least one thing’s sure – there should be plenty of work for me after the war.’

  ‘You could concentrate on building garages or sheds,’ she cried. ‘Expand a bit.’

  ‘I’ve already explained that to you, Rosaleen. People are just not building anything at the moment.’

  ‘You could at least try to get a job,’ she interrupted him indignantly. ‘What about me and Laura?’

  ‘Ah Rosaleen … I couldn’t work for anybody else, not after being me own boss all these years. Besides, you know there aren’t any jobs. Why do you think so many are enlisting? And you and Laura will be all right. I’ve money put away. If anything happens to me, you’ll be comfortably off.’

  ‘I don’t want to be comfortably off. I want you here with me and Laura.’

  The idea of being in the house alone with her baby when the sirens went off did not appeal to Rosaleen. Joe might not share a room with her, but at least he was there. He often fetched his mother round to sit in the cubby-hole under the stairs with them. She couldn’t picture herself and Laura sitting alone under the stairs when the sirens went off. So far they had all been false alarms, but what if the Germans did decide to come over? They heard daily on the radio how badly England was being blitzed. What if the Germans came over here? What if it was their turn next?

  ‘That’s another thing … I want you to go with the rest of the women and children, out into the country. I want to go away with an easy mind.’

  ‘Hah! Be evacuated?’ Her face screwed up at the very idea. ‘No way! If you go … if you decide you must fight for Britain … I’ll do my bit. I’ll get a job in Mackie’s.’

  ‘I’m not fighting for Britain.’ The anger he felt came across in his voice. ‘I’m fighting for a safe future for my wife and child. That’s why I’ve joined up. And I want you away from Mackie’s. It’s like a big bomb sitting up there, in the midst of all the houses.’

  She knew what he said was true.

  ‘I’m sorry … but you took the wind out of my sails,’ she said appeasingly, then asked, ‘When do you go?’

  ‘In two weeks’ time.’

  ‘Oh my God!’

  The strength left her legs and she groped for a chair. With an arm around her he led her to the settee and sat beside her, drawing her close. As she cuddled against him for comfort, she was beseiged by doubts. Was he going just to get away from her? She had started to repulse him; hating the way he always ended up crying in her arms. It had been driving her insane.

  Now she regretted her actions. Joe crying in her arms would be better than being on her own.

  ‘Joe … are you going because of … you know?’ Her shoulders lifted in a despairing gesture and she swallowed deep before finishing the sentence. ‘How things are between us?’

  ‘No. No, Rosaleen, I’m not,’ he consoled her. He smiled slightly and squeezed her closer still. He didn’t blame her for her actions; the fault was all his. Now he tilted her face up so that he could look into her eyes. ‘That’s not the reason I’m going. I’m going because I think Hitler is a madman and must be stopped. I really don’t think the war will last long. Maybe another year. And although I hate you being so near Mackie’s, I don’t really think that Hitler will come. He hasn’t bothered with Ireland so far, has he?’

  He held her gaze, and she shook her head as she agreed with him. ‘No, he hasn’t.’

  ‘Are you feeling all right, now you’re over the shock?’

  When she nodded sadly, he said, ‘I’m going round now to break the news to Mother. You’ll keep an eye on her for me, won’t you?’

  ‘Of course I will.’ Her eyes lit up and she nudged him excitedly. ‘Now there’s an idea! She can stay here with me while you’re away. We’ll be company for each other.’

  His faced closed up and his nod was non-committal. Rosaleen turned away, annoyed. She could not understand Joe’s attitude to his mother. She got on very well with Mrs Smith, but Joe did not encourage their friendship; he kept his mother at arm’s length. Not that he wasn’t good to her. He was. She wanted for nothing. But still, he did not encourage her to visit them. Did not make her at home in their house, saying that he did not want her popping in and out all the time, and he was not pleased if Rosaleen called in too often to visit her. Well, if he chose to go to war, she would be her own boss and would ask Mrs Smith to live with her in spite of his attitude. It would solve a lot of problems.

  Two weeks later, Joe, handsome in his new uniform, left for England. Rosaleen, his mother, and the delight of his heart, Laura, accompanied him to the docks. They stood amidst the crowds and he crushed Rosaleen and Laura together in a fierce embrace.

  ‘When I come back … when the war’s over … I promise to go and see a doctor. All right, Rosaleen?’

  Wet-eyed, she gazed up at him in amazement and nodded mutely. The kiss he gave her was full of promise.

  Planting a more sedate farewell kiss on his mother’s lips, he climbed the gangway and, with a final wave, disappeared from view. He had warned them not to hang about in the cold with Laura, and sadly they made their way through the crowd waiting to wave farewell to their loved ones. Leaving the quayside, they made their way to the tram stop.

  Sure that Mrs Smith would be delighted to move in with her, Rosaleen put the suggestion to her, and was surprised when she regretfully declined the invitation.

  ‘It’s very kind of you, Rosaleen, but I don’t think Joe would approve.’

  ‘But why? You needn’t give up your house. We can keep an eye on it. It’s just ’til he comes back.’

  Mrs Smith laughed softly. ‘I’m not worried about the house. No, it’s just… look, I can’t explain. Someday I will, but not now. Besides, I don’t wa
nt to be a nuisance. And Rosaleen? Do you think you could ever get used to calling me Amy?’

  ‘Amy … that’s a lovely name. But don’t change the subject! What about when the sirens go off? What will you do? I’ll be worried sick about you, so I will.’

  ‘I’ll be all right! I’ll go in next door. Besides, it won’t take them long building the shelters. But never mind me, what will you do?’

  Determined that in time she would be able to make Amy change her mind, Rosaleen’s answer was airy.

  ‘Oh, I’ll manage … I’ll manage. Me da’s an air-raid warden, he’ll look after me. Don’t you worry about me.’

  In the following weeks, try though she did to persuade Amy to change her mind, she did not succeed, but they became close friends.

  When Amy offered to look after Laura, now a mischievous eighteen months old, while Rosaleen took a part-time job, she at first demurred.

  ‘She’s too boisterous for you, so she is, Amy. You’d never be able to handle her.’

  ‘Look, if you got started in the Blackstaff on the afternoon shift, she’d be asleep most of the time. You know rightly she sleeps for at least two hours every afternoon, and it would do you good to get away from her for a few hours every day. Go on, Rosaleen. I’m sure the money would come in handy.’

  This argument helped to sway her. Joe had been gone six weeks, and so far no money had come from the ministry for her. Whenever he could afford to, Owen was depositing some money straight into an account for her but she knew that it would not be much and had vowed not to touch it unless she had to. But, with Joe’s money being held up, she would soon have to dip into their savings. Therefore Amy’s offer tempted her. She was aware that it sometimes took months for the army wages to get through, and Amy was right, the extra money would come in handy.

  ‘Are you sure?’ she asked diffidently.

  Seeing that she was weakening, Amy hastened to assure her, ‘Of course I’m sure. I wouldn’t have offered otherwise.’

  So Rosaleen sought and obtained employment in the Blackstaff, just five minutes’ walk away from Iris Drive.

  She was in charge of three looms, weaving heavy black duck and drill material which would be used for making tents, and life became so busy she did not feel so frustrated. Her only regret was that it put a stop to her visits to see May, as she did not want to leave Laura in the evenings and felt that she was too young to keep out in the evening air. Besides (to May’s disgust), she did not fancy being caught on the Shankill Road if the sirens went off. She wanted to be amongst her own kind.

  May wanted her to visit at the weekends, but Rosaleen had so much shopping and cleaning to do then that it was impossible to trek away across to the Shankill Road, and anyhow she did not want to intrude when Billy was at home with his wife and child.

  She began to dread her mother’s daily visits. Every time she came she lamented in her ear about Annie’s behaviour. After the disappointment of not being pregnant, Annie had started going to dances with the girls out of work. Bringing home men from the forces to meet her parents. Going to the pictures with them and entertaining them generally. Seeing the furrow of worry on her mother’s brow, Rosaleen sought to console her.

  ‘Listen, Mam, she’s not doing anything wrong. If she was she wouldn’t be bringing them home, now would she?’

  ‘How do we know what she’s doing, eh? She’s not like you. You know your place.’

  Rosaleen felt hot colour blaze her face and turned aside to hide it, fussing over Laura; hoping her mother would not notice. Why did everybody assume that she was a good girl? She could not picture Annie having it off up at the Dam. Yet here she was, considered a goody-goody, and Annie who was forthright and open about her actions was considered fast. It was true what they said, quiet ones were the worst.

  ‘She’ll go too far, so she will. What will Sean do if he hears about her actions?’ her mother continued, too preoccupied to notice Rosaleen’s manoeuvres. ‘That one doesn’t know when she’s well off, so she doesn’t.’

  ‘I don’t think Sean will mind … who knows? Perhaps some girl somewhere is being nice to him. I’m inclined to think that you’re worrying unnecessarily. Annie won’t do anything to jeopardise her marriage.’

  ‘Will you have a word with her, Rosaleen? Eh? She’ll listen to you, so she will. Go on, love … have a wee word in her ear.’

  Against her will, Rosaleen promised to have a word with Annie. It certainly wasn’t her place to criticise anybody, especially Annie, but having promised, she waited her chance. It came sooner than she expected; the following evening her sister called down from work for a chat.

  ‘This is a pleasant surprise,’ Rosaleen greeted her, a happy smile on her face. ‘My, but you don’t half suit that boilersuit,’ she added enviously, her eyes roaming over Annie’s slim figure.

  And the boilersuit did indeed become Annie. Not so long ago it had been considered a scandal for a woman to wear trousers, but the war had changed all that, and the long slim lines of Annie’s body and legs were emphasised by the navy boilersuit which all Mackie’s workers wore.

  ‘You look lovely, Annie. Really nice.’ Her look turned reproachful and she childed, ‘Long time no see.’

  ‘I know.’ Annie lifted Laura up in her arms. ‘How I’ve missed you, love,’ she cried, hugging the child close and covering her face with kisses. ‘You’re a wee bundle of joy, so you are,’ she added, as Laura squirmed and giggled in her arms.

  ‘Well, what kept you away then? It must be two weeks since you’ve been down,’ Rosaleen chastised her.

  ‘Longer,’ Annie agreed with her. ‘Too long, but I’ve been very busy.’

  ‘So I hear …’

  At that, Annie sat Laura down on the settee with a plop. ‘You sit there a wee minute, pet, and be a good girl. I’ve something nice for you,’ she promised, and turned to face Rosaleen.

  ‘You’ve been talking to me mam,’ she said resignedly as she removed the turban that bound her hair, and ran her fingers through her long, chestnut tresses. ‘Gosh, but these turbans are warm. I wish we didn’t have to wear them.’ She moved to the mirror above the fireplace and fluffed her hair out, pouting at the attractive picture she made, before asking, ‘And just what has Mam been saying about me?’

  ‘She’s worried about you. And from what I hear, I don’t blame her.’

  Anger flared in Annie’s eyes and she turned on Rosaleen and growled, ‘Just what did you hear, eh? What? That I’m carrying on with soldiers and sailors? Is that what you heard?’

  At the look of guilt on Rosaleen’s face, she grunted.

  ‘Huh! I can see I’m right. Well, let me tell you something. I hope some girl, somewhere, is being nice to Sean. You can be nice and entertain a man without doing “that”, ye know, and I’m not doing anything wrong. Would I bring them home if I was carrying on? Eh? Tell me … would I? No. I’d bring them where some of the girls bring them. Up to the Dam, or over Daisy Hill. That’s where I’d bring them, and no one need be the wiser.’

  The anger left her and a wry smile crossed her face. ‘Honestly, Rosaleen, most of them just want company. Someone to talk to about their wives and girlfriends. And I supply that company. So the neighbours can gossip all they want! That’s all Mam’s worried about… what the neighbours’ll think.’

  At the mention of the Dam, Rosaleen felt the colour leave her face. Did Annie know? Had Sean confessed to her? She made herself look Annie in the face but her sister’s attention was back with Laura. Giving her a small bar of chocolate, Annie once more lifted the child up in her arms and hugged her close.

  Close to tears, she muttered, ‘I wish I was pregnant. If only I was pregnant… If Sean’s killed, I have nothing … nothing.’ She broke off on a sob, burying her head in a silent, wide-eyed Laura’s neck.

  Going to her, Rosaleen gathered her close to her breast. ‘Ah, Annie, don’t talk like that. Sean will come back. I just know he will.’

  Clinging to her, Annie sobbed for some se
conds, at the same time trying to smile to please Laura who was wiping at her tears with a chubby fist, muttering. ‘There now, Auntie Annie … hush now … it’ll be better soon, so it will.’ Repeating like an old woman the words that Rosaleen used to comfort her when she wept.

  ‘I hope you’re right, Rosaleen. I hope you’re right. You’re lucky. If anything happens to Joe, you’ve got Laura.’

  They drew apart when Amy, after a tap on the door, entered the room.

  ‘Oh, I’m so sorry… I didn’t know you’d company. I’ll come back later.’

  Seeing Annie’s tear-streaked face, her voice trailed off in embarrassment and she made to back out again but Laura wriggled from Annie’s arms, slid down and ran to Amy, tugging her skirt for attention.

  ‘You’re all right, Amy,’ Rosaleen assured her kindly. ‘Come on in. I was just going to make Annie a wee cup of tea. Do you fancy one?’

  Amy’s eyes searched both their faces and when Annie said graciously, ‘Sit down, Amy. I’m just feeling sorry for meself, it’s nice to see you,’ she accepted the offer of a cup of tea.

  ‘Well, if you’re sure. A cup of tea would be lovely, thank you.’

  They talked and laughed for a couple of hours, and when Annie left, at the door she confided to Rosaleen.

  ‘Sean might be home for a couple of days. His ship’s in port in England, for repairs and he’s going to try to get over for a while. Who knows? I might get pregnant yet. Here …’ she extracted a small packet from her pocket and thrust it into Rosaleen’s hand ‘… a wee present for you.’

  ‘What is it?’ Rosaleen asked, feeling the parcel with inquisitive fingers.