The Wasted Years

by Mary Larkin

  Observing Rosaleen’s start of surprise, she laughed. ‘Oh, nothing serious. Just some mad passionate embraces. But the monastery fathers soon put me back on the straight and narrow when I went to confession. And I’m glad, mind you. Sean married a virgin, so he did! No matter how fast me mam thought I was.’

  ‘Forget about a baby, Annie. Just love him wholeheartedly and maybe you’ll conceive.’

  ‘Fat chance! There’s nothing wrong with me.’ She glared at Rosaleen. ‘I’ve seen a specialist and he could find nothing wrong.’

  ‘But sometimes the doctors are wrong. Maybe you’re trying too hard.’

  ‘Hah! Listen to you. I suppose you think you know better than the doctors?’ Annie sneered.

  ‘No, but give it a try, Annie. Show him you love him. Tell him it doesn’t really matter whether or not you have children. Or, mark my words, you’ll lose him.’

  ‘Do you know something that I don’t know?’ Annie’s voice was shrill and her eyes suspicious again. ‘Has he been talking to you about me?’

  ‘No, he hasn’t. Oh … I give up. I’m away to the loo and then we’ll go up and see how things are with Mam. And I forgot to tell you … I’m pregnant!’

  In the bathroom Rosaleen faced herself in the mirror. She would stay here until Annie got over the shock of her being pregnant. How she wished that she could change places with her. Everything would be okey-dokey if it was Annie who was pregnant.

  Why was she trying to get Annie and Sean to hit it off? Because if they should part, she did not want to be the cause. If they parted with no help from her, then and only then … She pulled her mind back to reality. Now she was treading dangerous ground. Maybe when the baby was born she would have no choice in the matter and everybody would know the truth. It might be a boy, the picture of Sean. She was hardly likely to produce another green-eyed daughter. Then, if Annie chose not to forgive them, then and only then would she feel free to go away with Sean. Live in sin. Damn her soul. All she could do was wait and see. She might never get the chance.

  Annie was still sitting on the settee when she returned to the living room. She turned an anguished look upon Rosaleen.

  ‘Is it Joe’s baby?’

  ‘Of course!’ Fear gripped Rosaleen’s heart. Would Annie guess? But then, she thought Sean was sterile. Would this make her doubt her belief? ‘You can understand why I’m so grateful that Mam has accepted George, otherwise everyone would think that he was the father.’

  Annie smiled wryly at her. ‘I’m ashamed of the way I acted towards you, you know … about George. I should have known that you wouldn’t do anything underhand. Am I forgiven?’

  Embarrassed, feeling a traitor, Rosaleen avoided looking at her and headed for the door. ‘Come on. Let’s go and see how me mam and George are getting on.’ And when Annie joined her and squeezed her arm, Rosaleen gave her what she hoped looked like a forgiving smile, inwardly hating herself.

  Sean had already returned to the house, and when they entered the kitchen, glanced quickly at them and away again.

  Amazed at the change in her mother, Rosaleen perched on the arm of her chair and hugged her.

  ‘It’s wonderful to see you looking so relaxed and contented, Mam.’

  ‘I’ve you to thank for that, Rosaleen.’ She smiled across at George. ‘You brought him to me. How I’ve longed to see him, but I didn’t know where to start lookin’. And … I was too ashamed to ask for help.’

  ‘Ashamed? Why ashamed? You didn’t do anything wrong, Mam,’ Rosaleen assured her.

  ‘Oh, but I did! I committed the worst two sins of all. My pride got in the way of my love for your da, and I wouldn’t forgive him. That’s the worst sin of all – to hold spite. I made his life a misery.’

  Seeing that she was getting all het up again, Rosaleen said earnestly, ‘Mam, me da loved you dearly. He was happy just to be with you, but he will be pleased … wherever he is … to know that you have accepted George.’

  Thelma gripped Rosaleen’s hand. ‘You think he’ll know?’

  ‘I think he’ll know,’ Rosaleen muttered, and squeezed her tight. In her heart she really did think her father knew. ‘But now I’ll have to go down and collect my Laura. Amy’ll think I’m lost.’

  She eyed George and he stood up. At once Thelma was on her feet, eyeing him beseechingly.

  ‘You’ll come back, won’t you?’

  He smiled kindly at her. ‘Just let anyone try to keep me away. You’ll be fed up looking at me, so you will.’

  ‘Never! Never, son, and I mean that.’

  During this conversation, Rosaleen had been covertly watching Annie as she sat beside Sean on the settee. She saw her take his hand and whisper in his ear, and saw Sean nod and return the pressure of Annie’s hand, and she breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps everything would work out all right. Only time would tell!

  Chapter 9

  It was with apprehension that Annie stepped from the trolleybus and eyed her surroundings. It was one thing coming out the Antrim Road to Bellevue Zoo or the Cave Hill for a day’s entertainment, but another matter entirely to consider living out here, so far away from her mother and Rosaleen. It was all right for Sean, he was away for months at a time, but she would be here day in, day out. As her eyes took in the lush, vivid green of the grass, and the yellow of the gorse, and her ears picked up the sounds of the countryside, she had to admit that it was lovely, and so quiet and peaceful. It was hard to believe that on their journey down they had passed through districts with streets missing and work still going on razing condemned buildings to the ground. A reminder of the past few years. It would be a long time before Belfast was back to normal.

  The Cave Hill reared up behind them. So close, she felt that if she reached out her hand she could touch the legendary Napoleon’s nose, etched sharp against the skyline. It struck her as strange that she had stood on that nose not so long ago and looked down over these fields and houses, out over the lough, and now Sean wanted to buy a house out here. Wonders would never cease!

  In front of them, the fields and hedges tumbled down steeply to the small village of Greencastle. Beyond that, in the far distance, Belfast Lough could be seen, shimmering and sparkling in all its glory, and away to the right of it, the cranes of the shipyard were prominent. Even the sky seemed brighter out here, with clouds scurrying across a curtain of deep blue, and the spring sun was a pale, yellow, hazy blur. But then, there wasn’t much of the sky to be seen on the Springfield Road. Out here, there was no built-up area to obstruct your view. No mills and foundries casting dark shadows, so you were more aware of the sky and its beauty.

  Sean watched her intently. It meant so much to him that she should like it here, and agree to live on the Serpentine Road. He knew he was asking a lot of her. She was used to living in the heart of the city; shops, churches, schools all close at hand. Out here, there was no tram at the corner and the nearest shop was in Greencastle, some distance away. The houses were spaced out and secluded, although the one he wanted to buy was semi-detached so perhaps the next-door neighbour would be nice, and good company for Annie. He realised that the cards were stacked against him, but they needed to be alone, to try and make a go of their marriage. He would just have to persuade her to give it a try. Now that Thelma was so much better and George was a constant visitor to see her, they could leave her to live alone without feeling guilty. And he needed to get away from Rosaleen.

  He wanted a settled life, a home of his own, the chance to make Annie happy. And, God willing, maybe some day they would have a child. Slipping his arm through hers, he hugged it close to his side and led her across the Antrim Road, over to where the Serpentine Road started its meandering down to Greencastle.

  ‘Wait ’til you see the house. It seems huge compared to your mother’s,’ he explained excitedly. ‘It’s semi-detached and there’s a wide driveway. Maybe one day … who knows, we’ll be able to afford a car, and we’ll have room to build a garage. Now the war’s over, anything’s pos
sible.’

  A happy laugh left his lips and rang out on the still air and Annie laughed in return, pleased to see him so relaxed. It was a long time since he had laughed spontaneously; during his past couple of leaves he had been morose, if not actually unhappy. But then, that was her fault, not his. He had tried to please her. Any other woman would have been beside herself with joy at the flowers and gifts bestowed upon her, but she could see no further than the fact that after years of marriage, she was still childless. Ignoring Rosaleen’s warning, she had nagged him often.

  She could not help herself. All she wanted was for him to go and see about himself. Was that asking the earth, when so much was at stake?

  Now she rubbed her cheek affectionately against his sleeve, and was rewarded with a quick kiss.

  The Serpentine Road sloped gently down, winding in and out, just like the river it was named after. They dandered along, pausing now and then to admire the houses set back off the road. Some were detached, some were sprawling cottages, but all had one thing in common – they were well maintained, with rockeries and lawns a delight to the eye. And always, around each bend, to their right in the distance was the lough, calling for admiration.

  At last Sean drew her to a halt. ‘There it is.’ He pointed upwards to two houses, set on an incline, looking very imposing. ‘It looks all right, doesn’t it?’ he asked, nodding towards the right-hand house.

  She smiled and nodded in return and followed him slowly up the drive, her eyes examining everything around her.

  The garden was overgrown, but that could soon be put right. The house was not very old. It had belonged to an aunt of one of the sailors on Sean’s ship, built by an uncle who had died at war, and when his aunt died suddenly, to his surprise Sean’s shipmate had inherited it. It was quite by accident that Sean had heard it was going on the market, and going at a bargain price for a quick sale.

  Sean’s letters had been full of it, and once home on leave he had gone straight to view the house. Having fallen in love with it, he was now praying that Annie would like it; would consent to live out here. Covertly he watched her reaction to the house. He just had to persuade her to live here. It was a beautiful house. They would never get a bargain like it again. Normally it would be beyond their pocket, and once it went on the market it would be snapped up.

  They left the drive and climbed four steep steps, passing the big bay window. Annie noted as they did so that the top panes of glass of the window were lead-lighted and the fanlight above the door likewise. From here they paused and turned to survey the scene before them.

  The house was well up off the road, and opposite it green pastures soaked up the peaceful, warm sunshine. In the distance, the lough could be seen, shimmering and gleaming. And to the left, the road meandered on, sloping in and out between secluded houses.

  ‘Isn’t it lovely?’ Annie whispered, as if to raise her voice would shatter the stillness. ‘It’s like being in a different world.’

  With a nod and a grin, Sean happily agreed with her, before turning and mounting another step up to the entrance of the house.

  The big door was of hard wood and varnished, and the upper half of it framed a beautiful leadlight window.

  He was surprised to note that his hand shook when he put the key in the lock, and smiling wryly, he admitted to Annie, I’m as excited as a child visiting Santa Claus.’

  Pushing the heavy door open, he turned and smiled down mischievously at her.

  ‘Hows about me carrying you over the threshold?’

  With a quick glance at the next-door house, Annie grinned and declined his offer with a shake of her head. Stepping around him, she entered the house.

  They stood close together and surveyed the hall. Annie was aware just what he had meant when he said that the house seemed huge compared to her mother’s. Why, you could set her mother’s hall in the corner of this one. It was wide, more than twice the width of the hall in Colinward Street, and ran almost the full length of the house. To their right two doors opened off the hall, and facing them at the far end was another door. A wide staircase rose to the floor above. Sean opened the first door and ushered her in. It was a wide, spacious room, with a high ceiling, a deep frieze and a big bay window. The floor boards had been sanded down and varnished and gave off a dull glow. In the wall facing them a slate mantelpiece commanded attention, the light from the window reflecting on its muted shades of blue and grey and making the marble hearth glisten just like washing soda. That was what came to Annie’s mind, the rough washing soda, white, shot with colours.

  ‘Well, what do you think?’

  ‘Lovely … very nice indeed,’ she replied cautiously, amused at his impatience.

  The next room off the hall also had a bay window which looked out on the drive at the side of the house. Smaller than the first room, it was nevertheless larger than her mother’s kitchen or Rosaleen’s living room. Here there was a smaller grate with a wooden mantelpiece and a tiled hearth. Sean pointed to the back of the grate.

  ‘That’s the back boiler, for heating the water. Just imagine, Annie, hot-water at the turn of a tap. No waiting for kettles to boil, to have a wash.’

  ‘Now that would be nice,’ she replied, and saw by his smile that he was pleased at her answer.

  There was also bright oilcloth covering the floor and a small armchair at each side of the hearth. At her querying look, Sean nodded.

  ‘Yes, they go with the house. They’re not bad. They’d do until we decided what kind of furniture we want.’

  The last door led to the kitchen. It was the width of the house but not very deep. An old, well-scrubbed wooden table took up a lot of the floor space. The window was to their right, above a deep sink with cupboards built around it. Annie was surprised to note that what she would call the ‘back’ door was actually at the side of the house, leading out on to the drive, and was relieved to see that the enamel stove was gas. A step down from the kitchen led to a small back hall and here, on the left side, facing the ‘back’ door, was a small room lined with shelves. This, Annie decided, must be the larder. It was much bigger than Rosaleen’s, you could walk right into it.

  Sean opened the door and stepped outside to survey the back garden, rolling his eyes heavenward when he saw the jungle that it had become.

  ‘Dear God, Annie. You could lose half of Colinward Street in here,’ he jested, as his eyes, bright with happiness, travelled the length and breadth of it.

  ‘I’ll soon get that mess cleared up,’ he promised.

  Silently, she wondered when he would find the time to clear it, he was away so often. Really, a house this size was too big for a couple on their own, and it was so cut off, so out of the way. What if the neighbours hated them? Besides, time enough to buy a big house if they ever had a family.

  Aware of her silent contemplation, Sean escorted her back through the house and up the wide staircase, all the while pointing out the advantages and beauty of the hall. At the top of the stairs was the bathroom. Here, the ceiling and walls had been fitted with light oak tongue and groove panelling and the bathroom suite gleamed, obviously well cared for. There were four doors off the landing; three of these opened on to bedrooms and the fourth was an airing-cupboard and contained the hot-water tank. One of the rooms overlooked the back garden, and from the window there was a breathtaking view of the Cave Hill. Annie stood entranced and Sean relaxed. It was obvious that she liked the house. However, he would not have been so happy if he had been aware of her thoughts. She was warning herself not to fall in love with the house. It was too big, too isolated. She would be out herie on her own for weeks on end, depending on Rosaleen, her mother or George taking pity on her and paying a visit.

  The other two bedrooms overlooked the front of the house and from these the view of the lough was breathtaking. The smaller of the rooms immediately sprang to Annie’s mind as a nursery. She could picture murals on the walls, a big cot in the corner, and tears came to her eyes. Would she ever have a child?


  She pushed these thoughts from her, knowing Sean would not want to hear her lament about a child, and as they descended the stairs, she smilingly agreed with him that the house was indeed a bargain.

  ‘Well … what do you think?’ His voice was apprehensive. She was too quiet, too unenthusiastic, and he feared the worst – that she did not want to live here. ‘It’s going for a fraction of its real price, Annie. We’ll never get a chance like it again,’ he pleaded.

  Their tour of the house completed, they sat side by side on the bottom step of the stairs, admiring the spring sunlight coming through the leaded light in the door and casting coloured rays over them. He waited anxiously for her reply, and after some moments of thought, she answered him.

  Tentatively, not wanting to just dash his hopes, she countered, ‘It’s lovely … very nice … but do you not think it’s a bit big for two people?’

  Abruptly he rose to his feet, his face flooding with hot, angry colour, and glared down at her, causing her to draw back in dismay.

  ‘Could you not let one leave go by without harping on that?’ he cried bitterly. ‘Eh? Are children the beginning and end of all for you?’

  ‘No, but …’

  ‘Oh, but YES. I’m sick of listening to you harp on about being childless. I’m sick watching you drool over other people’s kids.’ As suddenly as his temper had flared, all the fire left him. His shoulders slumped and his hands stretched out in a wide, hopeless gesture. ‘I’ve been giving our marriage some thought, Annie, and I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps we should try for an annulment.’

  She was aghast. This was a bolt from the blue. ‘What on earth do you mean?’ she asked, and it was her turn to be apprehensive.