The Wasted Years

by Mary Larkin

  Slowly he followed her through the kitchen, along the hall, to pause on the threshold of the sitting room. As before she kept her distance from him, and awaited his praise.

  And she deserved it; obviously long hours of work had been put into the room and the result was lovely. The high ceiling was snow white, as was the frieze, and the picture rail and deep skirting board and framework of the wide bay window a warm cream. The walls were papered with a flowered paper, a mixture of blues and greys, and a dark blue border, about three inches deep, ran along under the picture rail. At the window hung heavy damask curtains, a mixture of darker hues of blue and grey. All highlighting the beautiful colours in the slate mantelboard and contrasting with the pale grey of the marble hearth.

  ‘I thought perhaps you would like to help choose the suite and carpet and a picture or two?’ Her head tilted and her brows rose. ‘Am I right?’

  He nodded, and with a sweep of the arm embraced the room. ‘All your own work?’

  ‘Well, now. I have to confess that George helped me with the ceiling, but I did all the papering and painting,’ she confessed proudly.

  ‘It’s lovely, Annie, you must have worked hard,’ he praised her, but he was preoccupied. He was vaguely aware that something was wrong.

  Any other time when he came home, if they had the house to themselves, they were straight up the stairs. Yet today, in this big empty house, she seemed to be avoiding him. Of course, she was anxious to show him the result of her labours. Still, she could just as easily have done so from the shelter of his arm. Not keep a wide berth between them.

  ‘How’s about showing me the bedroom, Annie,’ he teased, and was surprised to note her dismay.

  ‘Oh, I haven’t decorated the bedroom yet!’ she exclaimed, and he saw her squirm uneasily.

  ‘I would still like to see it,’ he insisted, and putting his arm around her waist, drew her out of the sitting room.

  Annie allowed herself to be led up the stairs. His hand was gently moving along her ribcage, setting her aquiver, and when his other hand cupped her breast she thought she would faint with the longing and need that he was arousing in her. How could she let him? She should be ashamed of herself for wanting him so. After the way he had betrayed her. And with her sister. God, how it hurt, even after months of mulling it over.

  Would she be able to pretend that she didn’t know? She’d have to if she wanted to save her marriage, she would have to hold her tongue. Something that she was not noted for. Blabbermouth was her nickname, but once he knew he had a son … oh, it didn’t bear thinking about. She was the one who was barren. There was nothing wrong with him. And she had gone on and on at him, making him miserable and afraid.

  As he slowly undressed her, Sean kept his eyes on her face. She flinched each time his fingers touched her bare skin, and he thought he detected tears on her long dark lashes. What on earth was wrong with her? He felt as if he was seducing her. He let his hands grow still, and she stood there unmoving, gazing down at them.

  ‘Annie? What’s wrong?’

  Her head swung in a wide arc, causing the tears to slip over and slide silently down her cheeks.

  ‘Annie … look at me,’ he commanded.

  Slowly the dark, wet lashes rose and he gave a start of dismay. Never before in his life had he seen such despair. Did she hate living out here so much?

  ‘Annie, is it because we bought the house?’ he asked anxiously, his hands cupping her face, thumbs wiping away the tears. But as fast as he wiped them, more fell. ‘Do you hate living out here so much?’

  She gasped in alarm. ‘No! Oh no … I love this house. It’s the loveliest house in the world.’

  How would she have survived without this haven?

  He was bewildered and showed it. ‘Then why on earth are you so miserable?’

  Pulling free, she wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hands, and grimaced.

  ‘I’m just tired. I couldn’t sleep last night, and I’ve a headache.’

  The music hall excuse. Would he believe her?

  He did not. ‘That’s strange, coming from you.’ He reached for her again, drawing her near, but not allowing their bodies to touch. ‘But anyhow … it’s not your head I’m interested in.’

  Putting his finger under her chin, he tilted her face up and gazed deep into her tear-filled eyes.

  She was trembling, and aware that she wanted him, he asked gently, ‘Do you really want me to stop? I will, if that’s what you want.’

  She shook her head, her eyes clinging to his, and for the time being the cause of her misery was forgotten as he clasped her to him, and they responded to the urgent need created by months apart.

  Once their reunion was over, Annie was more at ease. She blossomed under his teasing as together, the next day, they stripped the paper from the walls in the bedroom.

  However, Sean was aware that things were far from well, so he questioned her.

  ‘Did anything happen while I was away?’ he asked, watching her intently.

  ‘No … nothing important.’

  Her eyes fell away from his. What a lie. Her world had fallen apart and the worry of what would happen when he saw Liam was with her night and day … and she was telling him nothing important had happened.

  It was obvious to him that she lied, but he let it pass; she was still in a tearful mood and he did not want to upset her.

  ‘Have you made an appointment for me to see the doctor?’

  ‘Yes … yes, I have. I have to go next Wednesday.’

  ‘You have to go?’ His voice was sharp.

  Her lip trembled and her voice shook when she replied, ‘Please, Sean, do it my way … please? You’re a Catholic. You know masturbation is a sin. I want to go to a specialist who is a Catholic, and that’s the way he works things.’

  It was a source of wonder to him just how good-living Annie was. When he had first met her, her forwardness, her cocky sureness, had convinced him that she was easy. Not cheap, oh no, never cheap, but he had thought that she would be easily won over. He could not have been more wrong. Even with the engagement ring on her finger and war in the background, she had kept him at bay. Kisses and hugs, yes, she did not object to close embracing or long kissing, which were forbidden by the Church, but anything else … no way. He had to wait until they were married, and he had been surprised at how proud he had been of her for sticking to her principles. And now, she preferred to go through the hassle and embarrassment of being examined herself rather than let him go.

  ‘All right, all right… don’t be upset.’ He pulled her into his arms, and lightly rubbed his nose against hers. ‘We’ll do it your way,’ he consoled her, and was rewarded by a wobbly smile.

  On Wednesday morning, he walked to the top of the Serpentine Road with her. She had refused point blank to let him accompany her to the hospital, and as he assisted her on to the tram, he said, ‘I’ll keep my fingers crossed.’

  She smiled and nodded at him, feeling a traitor. She knew that there was nothing wrong with him and she was letting him worry needlessly, but what else could she do? She had no choice. At least once the results came through he would know that there was nothing wrong with his sperm count. If Rosaleen was telling the truth, it would be high. Very high.

  Thoughts that were never far from her mind returned to haunt her as she waited to see the specialist. Would Sean see the resemblance Liam bore him? He was owed a lot of holidays now the war was over, and he would be home for four months this time.

  He had seen Liam on his last leave, but the baby had just been a few weeks old and had slept the whole time. There was no chance that he would not see the child this time, even though they lived so far away. Already he was planning on having her family down to spend Christmas Day with them. How would she survive it? The worry of it was having an awful effect on her; she was a bundle of nerves. She could see herself ending up in Grahame’s Home, unless she got control of her emotions.

  When the result of th
e tests eventually arrived, Sean greeted them with a great sigh of relief.

  ‘Phew!’ He took her in his arms and held her eye gravely. ‘Now, Annie, there’s nothing wrong with either of us. So let’s just take things a day at a time and see what happens. Eh, love? Remember what you said? If it’s God’s will, we’ll have a family. If not … well, we’ll just have to live without them.’

  And as she raised her face for his kiss, Annie was only too happy to agree with him.

  Chapter 10

  Pressing her forehead against the window, Rosaleen peered out into the gathering dusk to where, in the far distance, passengers were descending from the plane.

  George watched her; he was worried about her. Since Annie’s mad gallop down to live on the Serpentine Road, Rosaleen was a changed person. Withdrawn and touchy, she had even Thelma, usually unaware of undercurrents, muttering about her moods and easily aroused temper. On the journey down to Aldergrove Airport to meet her friends who were coming home from Canada to attend a funeral, he had tried to pump her. Tried to find out what had destroyed the close friendship shared by the two sisters, but she had evaded his leading questions, assuring him that nothing was wrong between Annie and herself. He was equally fond of both these girls who had welcomed him into their homes and hearts, and it dismayed him to sense the deep unhappiness within them. What on earth could have happened to cause such a rift?

  Many times, he had gone over in his mind the week preceding the change in the girls but could think of nothing to account for their behaviour. He remembered that Annie had been distraught the night she had asked him to help her move things into her new home, but he had thought that whatever was wrong would soon blow over. But no … Annie had made it clear, at least to him, that she did not want Rosaleen visiting her. He had thought that when Rosaleen had gone down to Greencastle in spite of Annie’s obvious rancour, all would be well, but alas, no. Rosaleen had obviously not been invited back, and Annie never came near her mother’s, content to see her during working hours at Mackie’s.

  Suddenly Rosaleen turned to him, her face wreathed in smiles. He grinned happily back at her, glad to see the strain gone from her face. It was a long time since he had seen her smile spontaneously. Perhaps this friend they were meeting would take her out of herself; maybe even help to breach the great divide between Annie and her.

  ‘I can see her! I’d know her from any distance!’ Gripping his arm she pulled him close to the window. ‘See the big tall guy, halfway up the steps? That’s Billy! And there’s May behind him … in the blue coat.’

  They watched until all the passengers had disappeared into the tunnel leading to the Custom Offices, and then made their way down to the waiting room.

  Her eyes fast on the door through which May would come, Rosaleen confided in him, ‘You’ll like her, so you will! Billy too.’

  ‘I feel as if I already know her!’ he exclaimed. ‘I’ve heard so much about her. You two must have been very close.’

  ‘We’re like sisters.’

  Pain shadowed her face at these words and he guessed that she was thinking of Annie, but it passed and then she was rushing across the room to embrace a small, obviously pregnant, young woman.

  ‘May … ah, May! Here, let me look at you.’

  Pushing May away from her, Rosaleen examined her critically. ‘You look marvellous!’

  And she did. Her hair was pale silvery blonde, obviously cared for by an expensive hairdresser, and even after the long journey, the bloom of pregnancy gave a glow to her skin. Lucky May! No morning sickness for her; she just sailed through her pregnancies.

  ‘I wish I could say the same for you!’ May eyed her in dismay. ‘You must be about six stone. Does she not eat?’ she demanded, turning to George.

  ‘Not very much, from what I hear.’

  ‘Oh, never mind about me, I’m all right. Billy …’ Rosaleen’s voice trailed off in confusion when she realised that he had a companion with him.

  ‘Rosaleen, this is my cousin Andrew. And …?’ He glanced in George’s direction, his brow raised.

  ‘Oh, excuse my manners.’ Taking George by the arm, she pulled him forward. ‘This is my brother, George,’ she announced with a wide smile, and her pride in him was apparent to all.

  ‘I feel as if I know you, George.’ May gave him an impish grin. ‘My … everybody must have got an awful shock when you turned up!’

  ‘MAY!’ Billy gave her a reproving look, dismayed at her audacity.

  George just laughed. He had just been warned that May didn’t pull her punches. ‘Likewise. I’ve just been saying to Rosaleen I feel as if I already know you.’ And after shaking each hand in greeting, he grabbed one of the cases and led the way out to the car park.

  As they crossed over to George’s car, aware of the other man examining her, Rosaleen thrust out her hand towards him.

  ‘I’m sorry … I neglected to greet you. You must think me awful, but I wasn’t expecting anyone else.’

  ‘He made up his mind at the last minnit, Rosaleen.’ May threw him an exasperated glance. ‘I hadn’t time to warn you.’ But the smile she bestowed on him showed how fond of him she was.

  Rosaleen felt suddenly shy as Andrew held her hand longer than was necessary, and when he leant towards her and said, ‘I’m very glad, now, that I decided to come.’ She felt the colour rush to her face and was glad that the artificial lighting would conceal it. Imagine behaving like a schoolgirl!

  In the car, she suddenly remembered the reason for this visit home and turned in dismay to Billy.

  ‘I’m sorry about your father. You must think me awful but I was so pleased to see you, I forgot the reason you were here.’

  ‘Don’t worry your head, Rosaleen. The state me da’s heart was in, it came as no surprise. He’s been on borrowed time for years. I’m just sorry he didn’t last long enough to see Canada. He’d have loved it out there.’

  On the journey home, each time Rosaleen turned to speak to May or Billy in the back of the car, she met Andrew’s eyes, dark and intense, examining her face, smiling faintly at her discomfort.

  When they arrived at Iris Drive, Rosaleen dished up the supper she had prepared beforehand and once it was consumed George suggested that the two men would be better getting a move on. He was driving them over to the Shankill Road to Billy’s mother’s and did not want to arrive in the early hours of the morning. Strange cars were suspect at all times on the Shankill Road, but in the early hours of the morning – well, then you were really taking a chance.

  May was staying with Rosaleen, and as the men donned their coats and bade them goodnight, a grave-faced Andrew assured Rosaleen that he would be back to see her, bringing bright rosy colour once again to her cheeks.

  Annoyed at herself, she just gave him a curt nod. Who did he think he was? And just why was she blushing?

  He was not someone that she would normally have given a second glance! Just an inch or so taller than herself, he was ordinary … ugly, even. The nicest thing about him was his eyes, the colour of dark chocolate and warm as velvet.

  When they were curled up in armchairs each side of the fireplace, a gin and tonic in their hands, prepared for a long natter, May winked across at Rosaleen.

  ‘Andrew is smitten.’

  ‘Huh! Don’t be silly!’

  ‘He is … he is! A blind man could see it.’

  ‘He’s quite old, so he is. Is he not married?’

  ‘He hasn’t had time to bother with women. Not that they don’t chase him, mind. Believe you me, they do! He’s quite a catch … has his own small publishing business. And he’s not all that old … he’s only forty. You could do worse, so you could.’

  ‘May, you haven’t changed a bit! You always thought you knew what was best for me.’

  ‘Well, I was right about Joe, wasn’t I?’

  Her eyes leaving May’s searching gaze, Rosaleen gave a brief nod before retorting: ‘Well, I’m not interested in any men at the moment.’

&nbs
p; And to change the subject, she asked, ‘How’s Ian?’

  ‘Great. Andrew’s sister has him. She has two of her own so he won’t be lonely.’ Her hand fell to her bulging stomach. ‘I hope this is a girl. Billy would love a daughter.’ She grinned across at May. ‘I can’t wait to see your wee son … and Laura. I bet she has grown inches. I’ve a wee present for her.’

  ‘She has grown … and cheeky with it!’ But Rosaleen smiled as she said the words; she was very proud of her daughter. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without Amy. She’s always willing to look after the kids, even at a moment’s notice.’ Suddenly apprehensive, she wondered what May would think of Liam. Would she see the resemblance he bore Sean? She hadn’t thought of that. Best to try and keep them apart, but it would not be easy.

  Now she said, ‘You’ll have to wait until after the funeral. Do you still want me to accompany you tomorrow?’

  ‘Please … I’m not looking forward to it. Billy’s worried about his mam. Thinks she’ll want him to stay in Belfast, although, thank God, she has agreed to move in with one of her sisters, ’cause there’s no way he’d leave her on her own.’

  ‘How would you feel about that … staying home?’

  ‘To be truthful, I want to stay in Canada. It’s a better way of life over there. You’d love Canada, so you would.’

  ‘There’s not much chance of me visiting you, now that Joe’s gone and I’ve two kids to rear.’

  ‘It was awful sad him dying so young. I wish I could have been with you.’

  ‘It was terrible, but your letters were a comfort to me, and Bobby Mackay was a tower of strength. I honestly don’t know what I’d have done without him.’

  ‘You must have had an awful shock, Rosaleen, when you discovered you were pregnant after Joe’s death … especially after such a long break.’

  ‘That’s life. I wanted a brother or sister for Laura, but not the way it happened.’ Her lips twisted wryly as she repeated inwardly: NO! Definitely not the way it happened.

  ‘What are you smiling about?’