Nexus

by Naam, Ramez

Kade let the breath fill him. The sound of it filled his ears. He felt his body contract as he inhaled, expand as he exhaled. The darkness behind his eyes stretched to the sides as breath flowed in to him, narrowed as the breath flowed out of him.

  He became aware of a sound. A soft chanting, a gentle drumbeat. He watched the rhythm of his breath adjust itself to the soft beat of the drum. The entire room breathed as one. Their inhalations and exhalations synchronized.

  "Open your palms," Chariya instructed, "and gently take the hands of those to either side of you."

  Kade reached out slowly to his left and right. He felt Robyn's strong hand close around his left, Lalana's small soft hand slip into his right. There was something electric about the contact. He felt a circuit close, a circuit of thought. It was faint still, but a ripple of sensation flowed through him, an awareness of the minds of the others in the room, an awareness of their breathing, an awareness of their awareness of him and each other, an echo, a resonance, a vibration of breath and mind.

  "We are students of the Buddha," Chariya intoned.

  A dozen voices echoed her, "We are students of the Buddha." Kade joined them.

  "Ours is the middle path," she slowly said.

  "We seek enlightenment for all beings,

  "To help all beings free themselves of suffering."

  The room echoed her with each utterance.

  "Tonight we penetrate the veil of Maya.

  "We pierce the illusion of separation between self and other,

  "We apprehend our unity with one another."

  Kade repeated every phrase in time with the others. It was hypnotic, euphoric. The veil of Maya, god of illusion and false isolation, was falling from his eyes. He was Kade. He was Robyn. He was Lalana. He was Mother Chariya. He was Father Niran. He was male. He was female. He was all of them, all things and all people.

  Buddha looked down on him with a half-smile, serene, content, a man, a role model, who'd apprehended that no god or angel, no demon or devil, could bring heaven or hell to man. Only Right Thought, Right Action, Right Effort, Right Concentration, only the actions of a person, only the striving they made, only the insights they gleaned could ever lead to their enlightenment.

  He knew this room well. He'd meditated here dozens of times, hundreds of times, thousands of times. He was all these people, all their experiences.

  He had been a monk, a nun, a prostitute, a student. He'd first encountered Nexus four years ago, six years ago, three years ago. He'd devoted his life to service, to compassion, to enlightenment. He'd sold his body again and again. He'd studied the mind in the abstract, wanted to feel it tangibly. He'd found a way.

  He was Aunt Chariya. He was her husband Niran. He'd been monk and he'd been nun. His decades of meditation had stilled his mind. He'd encountered the sacrament, had become one with the other, had crossed boundaries into forbidden territories. He'd left the order, begun something new.

  Compassion for all life filled him. The universe cried out in pain, in the illusion of division. He was called to teach, to spread love, to release beings from their bonds of craving and aversion, to teach them that all was one.

  He was the Buddha. He was all of them here. The fourteen of them together, together they were something more, something amazing. They were the universe observing itself. They had achieved enlightenment. They could spread it to the world.

  He was the sun. His radiance filled space. His golden rays bathed the Earth, sustained all life. He was the wind that blew the leaves, and he was those leaves as well. He was the seas that ebbed and flowed and roared and surged, and he was the fish that swam in those seas, the plankton that they ate, the sunlight falling on those waters. He was the Earth. He was the stars. He was all of creation and he was at this very instant so much alive and so much apprehending his own self. The universe was waking in this very room, and thus it was waking everywhere all at once.

  Kade opened his eyes. He was trembling. They were all trembling, all panting with quickened breath. Sweat stood on his brow. Robyn's hand pulsed rhythmically in his left hand. She felt serene, joyous, completely in her element. Lalana's small hand fluttered like a hummingbird's wings in his right. She felt excited, exultant. How long had it been? Three hours! It had felt like mere minutes, had felt like eternity.

  The tempo was easing, now. Chariya was chanting softly. Niran was tapping the drum ever more slowly. Breathing was slowing, returning to normal. Faces wore smiles. Chests were still moving rhythmically. He glanced to his right. Lalana's breasts rose and fell under her white shirt. Her nipples were hard against the thin fabric. The olive skin of her throat, of her chest where her shirt was unbuttoned, glistened with sweat. It was the most erotic sight Kade had ever seen. He couldn't understand why their clothes were still on, how they could do this and not have it devolve into skin on skin, lips on lips, body on body, why they would want anything else at all.

  The thought leaked out. Kade blushed. Lalana giggled in voice and mind and the circle caught it, amplified it, tittered as one, not unkindly, and the tension was broken.

  "That was awesome," Narong whispered out loud. Kade felt it. The circle had never been that intense before.

  It's me, he thought. Me and Robyn. The Nexus 5.

  Chariya was looking at him, her eyes met his eyes, her mind met his mind.

  Yes, her mind seemed to say. Who are you, child?

  There was just one mind that felt anything other than joyously open… Suk. He was so distant from them. Why?

  Someone tapped him on the shoulder. Loesan. He was grinning, exultant, crouched beside Kade.

  "I felt what you've done with Nexus. It's in you all the time, isn't it?"

  Kade nodded, not yet ready to trust his voice.

  "It's amazing," Loesan said. "Will you show us how to do that?"

  Something felt wrong. There was something he should fear. But why? Knowledge was to be shared, not hoarded. Why not share some of it now?

  Kade nodded. "Yes." It came out husky. "Yes, I'll show you." It came out fine this time. "Give me a couple minutes." His body had needs.

  Loesan grinned even wider, radiated excitement and curiosity. "Yeah."

  Kade rose, waited in line for the washroom. Lalana got in line behind him, brushed her body against his for just a moment. Kade nearly groaned in desire. He didn't know the rules here, didn't know what was OK. He felt for her intentions, found an amusement there. She pushed him against the wall, pulled his face down to hers, kissed him passionately, playfully. He was so hard. Lalana felt it against her thigh, reached down and put her hand on the lump in the front of his pants, squeezed his hardness through the fabric, pumped him up and down, once, twice, three times… Then she laughed and pushed away from him.

  "Later," she whispered. Her eyes and thoughts promised sweet delights.

  He mock-groaned in frustration. She laughed at him again, and he couldn't help but laugh as well. The combined Nexus and Empathek sang in his mind. Everything was absolutely wonderful. God, she was sexy.

  He was too hard to piss when it was his turn. He ran through prime numbers for ages until his hardness subsided, relieved himself, and came out to show them what he and Rangan had done.

  And then Kade saw Suk. Sitting on the couch. Wrongness. The young man exuded arrogance – avarice. Suddenly he didn't want to teach them anything after all.

  He searched for some excuse…

  "Rangan," he said. "Axon. I have to check with him before sharing what we've done with you."

  Their disappointment was palpable. It pressed on him. Perhaps he could give them some simpler ideas, less dangerous ideas…

  "But I can at least share a few ideas with you," he finished.

  Anticipation returned in all their minds. He sat, they leaned in close to him, and he started to show them the barest glimpses of what he and Rangan and Ilya had learned.

  34

  SISTERS

  Robyn Rodriguez was still on cloud nine. That experience had been one of the most
amazing of her life, second only to her first experience with Nexus 5, with Kade, when… when… It had been amazing, that was all.

  She took her turn at the restroom, still in a daze, breath heavy, pulse fast, mind and heart wide open. She came back to find the circle had transformed into a few small knots. She could still feel the minds in the room, a gestalt presence all around her, joyous and sublime. She was synchronized with them, sensitized to them. There was another presence behind her… unique…

  "Hello," said a small voice in accented English. "What's your name?"

  Robyn turned. It was a child. A young girl, perhaps seven years old. Robyn crouched, smiled, held out her hand. "I'm Robyn," she said. "What's your name?"

  She stared in amazement, struck dumb. The child's mind was like a gem, bright and clear, small and yet so brilliant. How could Robyn even feel her? Was this child on Nexus? Who would do that?

  "My name is Mai," the girl said in her high, small voice, placing her hand in Robyn's. Her mind exuded peace. Robyn should not worry. No one had harmed her. She wanted to cry, knowing that this child was safe.

  Chariya was behind her. Robyn felt her peace and comfort, her affection for the child.

  "Mai," she said in Thai. "Why are you awake?"

  Robyn felt the answer. It arose from Mai's small mind. She'd felt them. They'd felt wonderful. They'd felt like love. They'd felt like the future, when the world was all one.

  Robyn turned towards Chariya. "How…?" she asked the older woman. How can this be?

  Chariya looked down at them. "Her mother used Nexus while Mai was in the womb. And… other things. A friend sent the mother to us. Mai was born this way." Chariya crouched down, knees creaking as she did. She stroked Mai's hair.

  "Do all…?" Robyn started to ask.

  Are all children of Nexus mothers like this?

  The older woman shook her head. "No. Only a few."

  Robyn caught a glimpse of something. A refuge in the south, in Narathiwat Province, near the tiny village of Mae Dong. A place of peace, where a few such children were sequestered, where Mai might go someday, if she chose.

  "I'm special," Mai said.

  "Yes, you are, Mai," Chariya told her, smiling, emoting love and tenderness. "You should go back to sleep."

  Mai shook her head slowly, wide-eyed. She looked at Robyn. "Will you come play with me?" Childlike curiosity and wonder swept out from her. It was infectious, contagious. Robyn couldn't imagine anything more delightful than playing with this child.

  Robyn looked at Mother Chariya. The older woman nodded. "You may play for a little while, Mai. Then it will be time to sleep again."

  Mai answered with a happy squeal and an outpouring of delight. Robyn felt her spirit soar with the little girl's. Mai seemed to read her heart, took her hand, led her skipping down the hall.

  Her room was only a little bigger than a closet, but it was full of love. Drawings covered the walls. Bright geometric mandalas; Thai fairy princesses; elephants with cross-legged Buddhas atop them; Chariya and Niran, nearly lifelike, with a child between them. Bright lines connected the chakras of the three figures, a procession of layered triangles in a rainbow of colors.

  Mai showed Robyn her toys. There was a stuffed elephant with an ornate box on his back to ride in. A monkey as large as the elephant. A beautiful Thai princess in a dress of red and gold. A Buddha who rode in the box. Mai put Monkey in Robyn's hands, made believe a story about a princess deep asleep in the forest and a monkey who had to lead the Buddha on the elephant to her to wake her up. The story came across in bits of English, in Thai, in images and emotions radiating from Mai's tiny mind.

  Robyn could barely follow the game. Her heart was in her throat. Her chest was full of sensation. She could do little but marvel at the existence of this child. So young. So carefree. The child exuded happiness. Joyousness. Serenity almost. Mai felt safe here. She felt loved here. Here… in the midst of… in the midst of… in this terrible…

  "I would like to have a sister," Mai said. It came across in emotions and desires as much as it did in words. Someone to hold her hand. Someone to braid her hair. Someone to sleep at night with. Someone to play games with. Someone to laugh with and share secrets with.

  "Do you have a sister?" the little girl asked Robyn.

  Robyn shook her head. Her heart was pounding in her chest, threatening to erupt. Her voice wouldn't function.

  "Would you like to be my sister?" Mai asked.

  There were tears on Robyn's face. She didn't know why. There was a face in her mind. A girl. A little girl. A fire. No. No. No.

  Mai touched Robyn's face with her small hand. "Don't be sad."

  A sob wrenched itself free of Robyn's throat. She pulled the girl close, held her.

  Mai kissed the side of her face with those tiny lips. "My mommy's gone too," she said.

  No. No. Her parents lived in San Antonio. They were teachers. Her parents weren't dead. They hadn't died in the fire. They hadn't been… They hadn't been…

  Her sister! A moan escaped her. She was losing her mind. She'd never had a sister. Her sister had died in the fire. She'd killed for her sweet little Ana. She'd killed them all. No, she'd never had a sister at all!

  "It's OK, Sam," Mai said. "You can be my sister."

  Sam? No. Her name was Robyn. Robyn Rodriguez. She was a grad student at Stanford. She was here to attend… She was here to… She was…

  Her sister. Ana. Oh my god. The tears flowed freely from her eyes. The grief was unbearable.

  "Shhhhh… It's OK…" There was something happening. Something in her mind. A bright light, a pinprick, white, glorious, glowing. It was Mai. She was inside her, doing something, comforting her, pushing back the shadows.

  Her name was Samantha Cataranes. She'd been someone else long ago. An awful thing had shaped her, made her who she was. She'd lost all that she loved. She'd buried it in a box inside her mind. The light of Mai's mind opened it, brought it out to her, cast it in warm bright light, buffered it not at all, but made Sam brave enough to see it again, all of it. This girl, or the Nexus, or the Empathek, or all of them, wrapped her in love, and she saw that she would not be trapped, that she would not be a prisoner of those years all her life, that she was bigger than anything that could happen to her, that she could not only overcome it, not only master it, but transcend it, leave it behind.

  And this girl… this Mai… So like her sister. This place, these people. So like the place she'd grown up, the place where awful things had happened, the people who'd done them. But different. Totally and completely different. Ana had known pain, would have known more… This girl… Mai. She knew love. This was the dream her parents had tried to make real, but uncorrupted. Sam feared for it. So fragile, so precious.

  Her heart was bursting. She felt the inexorable urge to communicate. She had to let this out in some way. She had to speak the things she'd learned. She looked at this sweet, beautiful girl. She wasn't sure how much Mai had already seen. A lot, quite possibly. But she couldn't burden this beautiful radiant innocent child with her own darkness.

  "Mai… thank you. Thank you so much." She felt the tears drying on her face.

  Mai smiled at her. The girl was radiant, inside and out. "Are you my sister now?"

  Sam nodded fiercely, opened her heart and beamed the love she felt out of it and into this wondrous child. "Yes. I'm your sister, Mai. And you're mine."

  Mai beamed.

  "You have to go to sleep now, Mai. I'll play with you more soon, OK?"

  Mai nodded. Satisfied. This had been good playtime. She had a sister now.

  Sam tucked her in bed tenderly, kissed the girl's brow, turned off the light.

  She cleaned up the mess of her face as well as she could in the bathroom. She had no patience for it. Her dilated pupils stared back at her. Something sang inside her, compelled her to set it free.

  She wandered into the living room. Her breath came short. Her heart still pumped hard in her chest. Whether it was the dru
gs, whether it was Mai, whether it was what she was about to do, she didn't know. She had to share.

  Her eyes met Narong's. He smiled at her. He would listen. No. He didn't know who she really was. Her eyes tracked right. Niran was looking at her curiously. She didn't care. She went past him. There, Kade. He was explaining something to Loesan, gesturing with his hands. Sam could feel a mild wash of it from his mind. Neuroscience. Something about improving on Nexus. He didn't see her. Didn't notice her.

  She called to Kade with her mind, put all her longing into it, her need for him right now, her need to connect with him. Even from across the room he felt it, and it stopped him in midthought. He turned, met her eyes with his, nodded. He excused himself from his audience and wandered over to her. All eyes were on the two of them now.