A Traitorous Heart

by Tammy Jo Burns

  “What are you doing to me?”

  “We won’t go too far. Do you trust me, Tess?” He watched her nod and untied the robe, pushing it off her shoulders and down her arms to land in a puddle at her feet. “Look at me,” he commanded and when she did, he used his thumb and stroked across her beaded nipple. Tessa’s thin gown did nothing to mute the sensations he caused. Her eyes widened and she gasped in pleasure. She had a death-grip on his biceps.

  “Derek, I’m burning up,” she whispered pleadingly. She stood there and allowed him to run his hand over her buttocks to her thigh. He bent his knees, adjusting his height to better align with her, and gently gripped her right thigh pulling it up and hooking it around his leg. “Derek,” she moaned, thinking in the back of her mind that she should be shocked.

  “Shhh, I’m going to take care of you,” he whispered softly.

  Tessa felt his hand slip under her night rail and skim up her leg. His hand went around her thigh until she felt the blunt tip of his finger press against the place that throbbed. She went up on her tip-toes, not sure if she tried to get away from or closer to the overwhelming sensations he created in her. “I…I…” she began to say just as he lowered his mouth and gently sucked on an aching nipple, wetting the material covering it, and rubbed that pulsing bundle of nerves at the heart of her.

  He watched as she went over the precipice, her eyes wide, her mouth a perfect ‘O’. Her body stiffened into an arch. She made no sound but he could tell she had reached her fulfillment just the same. Finally, she fell against the wall as her body went limp. Her leg slid down his, not quite touching the floor, yet she felt too boneless to hold it up any longer. He bent his head and tenderly kissed her.

  “What did you do to me?” she queried softly. He still supported her or she would be lying in a heap on the floor.

  “I thought about what you said at supper. You’re right. We need to get to know each other again for we have both changed. But we need to know each other in all ways, as we are man and wife.”

  “But…”

  “Hear me out,” he said and put a finger over her lips to stop her. “It may very well kill me, but until you have your memory back, and you are certain of your past, we will not have intercourse.” When she struggled to speak he stopped her again, “Listen. There is nothing wrong with a man and woman showing one another pleasure, and despite everything, we are married. Part of the problem between us is this desire we feel for each other.

  “We do not have to do this every night, but I will kiss you and I will hold you. We will talk and share our thoughts about the present and the future. And yes, we will share our memories. You were right this afternoon. I know I have an allegiance to my King and country and must do what I can to help in this fight we are facing, but not to the detriment of my family, and that includes you,” he paused and let her soak in all that he had told her. “Are you willing to try this new arrangement?” he moved his fingers so she could answer.

  “Yes,” she replied softly, and reached up to kiss him. “I have a request as well.”

  “What is it,” he asked warily.

  “I want us to sleep in the same bed at night. Even when we argue, I draw comfort from being around you. I haven’t been sleeping well. All these images are bombarding me and I can’t sort anything out, and it tends to be worse at night when I am alone. Perhaps sleeping next to you will help.”

  “I may regret this, but I would like that as well. I am staying firm though about intimacy. What we just did is as far as we go until your memory returns. I will not risk you getting with child under such conditions.”

  “I had not thought about children, but you’re right.”

  “Are we in agreement?” He cupped her chin and waited anxiously for her answer.

  “Yes,” she sighed. Derek tenderly kissed her once more and then moved stiffly away from her. “Is your knee hurting?”

  “Not the one you think,” he chuckled. He saw her look at him questioningly. “Here is your second lesson on intimacy, not both of us have to reach our completion.”

  She thought about that a moment then raised her brows and her lips formed an ‘O’ again, this time for a totally different reason.

  “Is there anything that I can do?”

  “In the future, but not right now. You go on and get in bed. I will take care of the lights and join you shortly.”

  “Are you certain?” she worried her lower lip.

  “Yes,” he said, capturing her face and kissing her creased brow. Then he turned her and pushed her towards the door.

  “Derek, which bed should I go to?”

  “Mine is larger,” he said, “but the choice is yours.”

  “I think your bed will be to my liking,” she said before disappearing down the stairs.

  After thinking of anything to ease his aching erection, Derek closed up the garret, but knew he would always remember it fondly and hoped to make more memories like that. He entered the master’s chambers and found Tessa curled in a ball, already asleep, on one side of the bed. He readied himself for bed and decided to sleep in a pair of loose, light-weight pants. Derek lowered himself to the bed and felt his body hardening again, just looking forward to holding her in his arms throughout the night.

  He eased under the sheets and moved close to her, pulling her back against his front. Derek attempted to keep his lower half away from here. Maybe if he worked himself to exhaustion every day he would survive. And don’t forget the cold dunks in the river, he reminded himself. What exactly had he gotten himself into? After all was said and done, he hoped something absolutely amazing. Surprisingly he drifted into a deep and restful sleep.

  * * *

  She woke the next morning feeling more rested and relaxed than at any time since the whole fiasco started. She stretched languorously, her body pleasantly thrumming as she remembered her first encounter with intimacy. Tessa rolled over to find a bouquet of flowers tied with butcher’s string lying on the pillow next to her. A smile flirted with her lips as she brought the flowers to her nose and inhaled their wonderful perfume.

  “Good morning,” Derek’s deep voice called to her from the door.

  “Good morning,” she replied shyly. “Did you sleep well?”

  “Better than I thought I would,” he answered. “And you?”

  “Much better.”

  “Good.”

  “I am not going to apologize for last night. I wanted it to happen very much,” Derek said earnestly.

  “Perhaps I had no right to suggest the things that I did,” Tessa replied scooting into a sitting position.

  He looked as if he were thinking something over and then pushed off the doorframe and crossed the room. “I don’t think so.” Derek sat on the side of the bed, leaned over, and placed a hand on either side of her. “You see, I agree with you. We are still awkward around one another. That is why I am courting you, beginning this morning.”

  “Courting?”

  “Yes. If we are going to get to know each other again, I am going to do it properly, with perhaps a few added benefits,” he grinned boyishly.

  “Derek, do you truly think this will help? I mean, I know what I suggested last night,” she continued hesitantly, “but it’s just that I want to remember everything so badly.”

  “I know you do.”

  “I need to remember, and we have so little time,” she said on a sigh.

  “Let’s tackle one thing at a time, first your memory, then this attraction between us. Agreed?” Derek waited until he saw her nod of agreement. He lowered his head and captured her lips in a wonderful, tender kiss.

  “Perhaps you should let me up so I can get dressed,” she suggested after he pulled back.

  “I like you as you are right now.” He watched her chest rise and fall as she tried to control her breathing. “You know, I loved holding you in my arms last night.”

  “In the attic?”

  “Well, that too, but I meant here, in this bed with both of us doing
nothing more than sleeping.”

  “I did too,” she replied softly.

  “But you know what I loved even more?” She shook her head that she did not. “This,” he whispered gravelly as he leaned towards her and teased her lips once more. Her mouth parted slightly and he quickly took possession.

  Tessa lifted her hand to the nape of his neck, fingering his silky short hair. She let Derek teach her what she should know, finding herself to be a quick study. Later, she could not have said if it had been minutes or hours, Derek pulled away and continued to drop tiny butterfly-like kisses against her swollen lips.

  “I should really check on your sister,” she said huskily.

  “Reality intrudes,” he replied on a sigh.

  “Thank you for my lovely flowers,” she sniffed the slightly crushed flowers once more.

  “I am glad you like them Contessa,” he gave her a last tender kiss before crossing the room and closing the door behind him.

  Chapter 16

  After Derek left, she went to the adjoining Countess’s chamber and stripped out of her nightgown, attempting to push the memories of last night and a few moments ago away. Tessa stood nude in front of her full mirror examining her body, certain there must be some change, but saw nothing.

  She turned all directions, attempting to determine what made Derek so interested in her. Her body did not match the fashion currently dictated by society. Her skin had freckles, as most red heads did. The man must be out of his mind to find her attractive.

  She turned away and a trail of pink that wrapped around her back from one side to the other caught her eye. Tessa moved closer to the mirror, but no matter how she turned, she could see nothing more. She sprinted across the room grabbing a hand mirror and returned to the cheval mirror, her back to it. Tessa lifted the hand mirror and adjusted the angle until she could see her back and side. She could not contain the gasp of horror.

  Pinkish brown lines crisscrossed her back from below her shoulder blades to above her hips. They were somewhat shiny in the light and numbered well over a dozen. She reached around and felt some of the slightly puckered scars. The feel of the skin fascinated her. It felt silkier than the rest of her back. Some had tiny little ridges running along the edge where the skin had not healed well.

  Tessa felt herself draped over a table. Her hands and feet tied to the pedestal underneath so she could not move. She heard the whip crack and felt the sting of it as it ripped into the skin of her back. She refused to cry out, refused to give them the satisfaction of seeing her as weak. When she looked up she thought she recognized the person standing in the dark shadows, but decided her pain addled mind played tricks on her. The whip cracked once more and she bit her lip until she tasted blood.

  “Oh my,” Tessa said shakily, moving to the stool in front of her dressing table, sitting down heavily. Shudders racked her body. She found herself so caught up in the memories that she did not hear the door in the adjoining room open and close.

  “Tessa, I forgot to tell you that I planned to,” Derek’s words stopped when he witnessed her sitting nude on the stool in front of her dressing table. Her hand hung loosely at her side, a mirror lay haphazardly on the floor. Her body shook violently. “What’s wrong?” He questioned, grabbing the coverlet off the bed as he raced to her side. After he wrapped her up he lifted her in his arms and carried her to a sturdy chair, sitting with her in his lap. He held her tightly. “Tessa, talk to me.”

  “I…I saw the scars on my back, and then all these memories came back.” She told him what she remembered. “Derek, somebody stood in the corner watching. It’s like my brain didn’t process it at the time because of the pain, but now I know. They were there and deliberately hid in the shadows. I am certain I knew them and they knew me. They let them question me and whip me when I refused to give them answers. They would whip me until they drew blood and then leave. Then they would come back hours later to start the whole process over, opening old wounds and making new ones.”

  “Shhh,” he tried to soothe her. “We will find them, I promise you. Do you realize what this means?”

  “I am beginning to remember what I truly need to.”

  “You are also going to be in more danger if we let on that you are remembering.”

  “What should I do? Act as if I have no recollection? Live in some sort of fairy tale where bad things don’t happen? My back is proof that that world doesn’t exist. Bad things do happen,” she stood and let the coverlet drop slightly so he could see the scars. “These do not belong in a fairy tale,” she said bitterly before pulling the coverlet tighter about her and walking to the window.

  “You’re absolutely right,” he went to her and rubbed her shoulders, her back to him. “But I want you to be as safe as possible until we know more and can capture this maniac.” Derek gently pulled down the covering she clutched tightly and placed tender kisses against the worst scars. He then turned her around to look into her eyes, eyes that swam with tears she refused to shed, her lashes wet and spiky.

  “We will get this bastard, I promise you. And your scars are a badge of courage that you should be proud to carry. I have known grown men who could not go through what you did without telling everything they knew.” He watched a lone tear escape its confines and he quickly caught it with his thumb. “Tessa, you are a beautiful woman, all of you,” Derek said tenderly and gently kissed her full lips.

  “Thank you,” she whispered.

  “If you think you will be all right, I am going to meet with some tenants today. That is what I came back in to tell you.”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “Are you certain? I can stay here instead. There is enough paperwork to keep me busy for a month.”

  “Derek, go. I’m fine. I am going to check on Kala once I get dressed.”

  “If you’re certain.”

  “I am.” He kissed her forehead before casting one last glance at her and leaving through the connecting door. Tessa heard the door shut once more then took herself firmly in hand. She turned to the mirror and spoke aloud, “There are going to be many more of these memories and you are going to have to pull yourself together.”

  She attended to her morning ablutions, and quickly dressed. Her stomach growled noisily as she left her room and walked down to Kala’s. Tessa let herself into Kala’s room only to hear her sister-in-law arguing with Sarah.

  “I’m well enough to get out of bed,” Kala argued with her damaged voice.

  “No Miss Kala, you’re not. We need to keep a poultice on your throat and a cold pack on your head.”

  “Well, I don’t guess there is any need in asking how you’re feeling this morning.”

  “Please tell Sarah I can get up,” she pleaded hoarsely.

  “I’m sorry, but I agree with Sarah,” a knock sounded at the door interrupting anything else she would have said. Tessa walked over and opened it to find a maid holding a tray laden with food. “Please, place it on the bed.”

  “Yes, my lady,” the maid curtsied, then quickly left.

  “I am starving,” Tessa stole a piece of toast and slathered it with jam.

  “That’s my breakfast,” Kala accused.

  “Sorry,” Tessa said around a mouthful of food.

  “Oh well, I can always send for more. Besides, I will not need much if I just lay around in bed all day.”

  “Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Sarah, go ahead and get what you need for Kala, I will keep her occupied until you return.” The maid quickly left the room leaving the two of them alone. “Take it from me, there is no use fighting Sarah.”

  “I know. It’s just that I hate this. Do you think my voice will ever be normal?”

  “I have no idea,” she shrugged. “Mrs. Sikes thinks the man did damage when he attempted to strangle you. I think you were closer to death than any of us thought, including the duke.”

  “Oh, please. He doesn’t care what happens to me. I am just a pest who wouldn’t leave him and Derek alone growing
up. Besides, I am over him. I refuse to allow anyone to treat me so shabbily.”

  “Good girl,” Tessa paused a moment not sure how to proceed. “Did you know the director of the War Office only gave me a fortnight to remember everything?” she asked, pushing off the bed, still nibbling on the toast.

  “A fortnight isn’t very long. What are you going to do?”

  “Do my best to remember. My memory is coming back in small chunks,” she turned around and faced Kala, eyeing her plate hungrily. “I wish I didn’t know a deadline loomed before me. In some ways I think it might be easier to remember without the added pressure.”

  “I’m sure you’re right. Well, I know how I’m going to spend my day. What will you be doing?”

  “I’m going to begin teaching Luke how to read and write,” she quickly supplied. “He is a bright boy, and he helped save us yesterday. He should have more going for him than just being a stable hand.”

  “Did you know he paid his father off so he could come to work for Derek?”

  “How awful,” Tessa replied as Sarah entered the room carrying a basket of supplies.

  “Well, if you two get bored, you know where to find me. Lord, knows I’ll need the company,” she said on a yawn giving Sarah a baleful look.

  “Try to get some rest. I will come up and visit after lunch.”

  “Be sure you eat your own, I do not want to share that meal with you as well.”

  “All right,” Tessa chuckled, leaving the room. She walked downstairs and found some of the servants beginning to clear away the breakfast. “Am I too late?”

  “Oh, no, my lady. We will leave it out for you,” the two maids curtsied before disappearing. Would she ever get used to all the formality? Never in her life did she think she would end up being a member of society. She filled her plate and started to sit down when she had a thought. She quickly filled another plate and called for the butler.

  “Yes, my lady?”

  “Jones, please have someone send for Lucas. He should be in the stable.”

  The man looked at her oddly, but complied. Minutes later, Lucas slid into the room, looking around at all the finery.