Elrod McBugle on the Loose

by Jeff Strand

  Yeah, sure, if my other hand held a baseball bat. With spikes on it.

  "You know, I've had enough of this," said Andy, glaring at her. "You don't think I can beat up this little twerp? Fine!" Andy pointed at me. "Today right after school. Hanley Park. You and me. Be there. Got it?"

  "Hanley Park? Where's that?"

  "You know...it's that park about five blocks from here."

  "I've never been there," I told him.

  "Yeah you have. Everyone's been to Hanley Park."

  A few other kids who'd been listening muttered that they'd never heard of Hanley Park, either.

  "Do you mean Ketchum Park?" asked Scoopy.

  "No, I don't mean Ketchum Park, stupid. I mean Hanley Park. How can you not know where it is? It's right there! It's this big ol' park!"

  "Sorry, I've never heard of it," I said.

  Andy sighed with frustration. "Okay, you go out the main entrance and cross Gates street. Then you walk up Gates street toward the church—"

  "Which church?"

  "You know, the church!"

  "There are two churches on Gates street."

  "The big church! The one right there!"

  "Why don't you draw a map?" Scoopy suggested.

  "Okay, fine, give me some paper."

  "I don't have any paper," I said.

  "Me either," said Scoopy.

  The other kids listening checked around, but none of them had any paper, either.

  "How can you not have paper?" asked Andy. "We're in school! Everyone's supposed to have paper in school!"

  Scoopy handed Andy a napkin. "Here, write on this."

  "Do you have a pencil?"

  "No."

  "If someone doesn't give me a pencil, I'm gonna beat up everyone here!" Andy threatened.

  "Is a pen okay?" asked Julie.

  "Yes, a pen is fine! Give me the stupid pen!"

  "It's not a stupid pen. My grandma bought it for me for my birthday."

  "Just give it to me."

  Julie tossed Andy the pen. He sat down next to me and began to scribble directions on the napkin. When he was done, he shoved it at me. "Here."

  I looked it over. "I can't read your handwriting. What's this word?"

  "Shut up! I don't care how you find it, but if you're not at Hanley Park after school today, I'm gonna hunt you down and make you wish you'd never been born!"

  At this moment I finally got it through my head that I was going to have to fight Andy today. I was going to be beaten senseless! And it was all because of Julie! Whoever thought love would be so complicated?

  "We don't have to fight," I said. "I'll just say right here, in front of all these witnesses, that you won. You're the champion. I admit it."

  "No way. I'm tired of you saying you can beat me up."

  "I never said it!"

  "I'm tired of Julie saying you can beat me up."

  "And he can!" said Julie.

  "We'll find out then, won't we?" asked Andy, as he stormed off. I stared at the napkin death sentence and my stomach did a few Olympic-quality flip-flops.

  "You don't think he's going to beat me up too, just because I'm your friend, do you?" asked Scoopy.

  "Maybe."

  "Aw, man."

  Okay, so I was in serious trouble. I wondered if Julie would still like me after she discovered that I couldn't squish Andy after all.

  She turned to one of her friends and whispered something. I'm sure I wasn't supposed to hear it.

  "Andy is so cute. And he wrote me the most adorable love poem you can imagine. Oh, I just can't wait to watch him beat up Elrod!"

  Chapter Nine Quiz

  1. Wouldn't it be nice if this quiz only had one question?

  Tenth Chapter! Collector's Item

  I WAS NOT A happy camper. I was like a camper whose tent had blown away in a thunderstorm and was being chased up a tree by a starving grizzly bear with really bad breath.

  So, Julie didn't have a crush on me after all. I was going to get beat up just so she could watch Andy's muscles ripple. And with word spreading fast, half of the school was probably going to be there to watch. This was completely unfair!

  And I had to show up for the fight. If I didn't, I'd only be delaying things. Might as well get the pain out of the way so I could go on with my life...if I still had one after the fight.

  I wondered if I could hide a chainsaw behind my back.

  There had to be a way out of this. Andy talked big, but he really wasn't the type to go around beating people up for no reason. If he was, I'd have been his victim a long time ago. So I merely needed to convince him that we didn't need to fight.

  How hard could that be?

  "Hey, Andy, let's forget the fight, okay?"

  "Sure thing, buddy. No problem. Wanna get some Doritos after school?"

  "Sounds like fun. Let's go."

  Somehow I didn't think that was going to work.

  Maybe if I begged Julie to take back what she said, she could convince Andy not to obliterate me. Maybe if I told her that I was the one who wrote the poem, she'd try to keep me alive.

  No, no, that wouldn't work. She'd be so disappointed that it hadn't been from Andy that she'd want him to beat me up even more.

  AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

  (Yes, I realize that it's difficult to stretch out a "G" sound like that, and it doesn't do a lot of good to use the letter "H" six times when it's silent, but at least you get the idea of how frustrated I was.)

  The final bell rang. Normally I was happy to have school end, but this afternoon I could have sat in Pre-Algebra for weeks. Months, if the tests weren't too frequent.

  Scoopy was waiting at my locker. So was Julie.

  "I can't wait to see the fight!" Julie told me, her eyes flashing with excitement. "You're going to show that bully who the real winner is!"

  "I heard you talking at lunch," I said. "You just want me to get beat up because you like Andy."

  "Oh." Julie looked uncomfortable. "You don't mind, do you?"

  "Ask me after my bones heal, if they ever do."

  Julie left. I started to turn the dial on my locker, realized that if I couldn't remember my combination on days when I was feeling good, there was no way I'd be able to remember it in my current state of anxiety. Forget it. No reason to get my homework when I might not have use of my brain later, anyway.

  "Are you feeling strong?" asked Scoopy.

  "No."

  "I could work out with you in the gym for a few minutes, if you think it'll help. Lift a couple weights maybe."

  I shook my head. "I'm as ready as I'll ever be. There might be a good side to this...once he's beaten me to a frothy pulp he may leave me alone for the rest of the year."

  "Well, if it helps, I found out where Hanley Park is. I hear they closed it down because of a really bad squirrel problem."

  "Wonderful."

  I'D SAY ABOUT forty kids were hanging around Hanley Park when Scoopy and I got there. One of them was even holding a sign reading "Go, Elrod, Go!" Then it turned it around, showing that the back said "Go Before He Kills You!"

  They had as much confidence in me as I did in myself.

  Maybe that was the problem! Maybe I needed confidence! Andy wasn't that big, and maybe he hadn't started his day with a nutritious breakfast! You know...if I tried hard enough, I could win the fight!

  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

  No, I was going to get pounded today, no doubt about it. Andy was standing there with Warren and Colin, looking tough. Julie was there with her friends, looking like she was going to swoon any second. I'm sure I looked like I was going to run off going "Yip! Yip! Yip!"

  "Hi," said Andy. "Are you ready?"

  Slowly, I nodded.

  Warren raised his hands for attention. "Okay, everyone, welcome to the official Andy Click versus Elrod McBugle fight. If you're going to place bets, place them now. The rules are, no biting, no scratching, no weapons, no wedgies, and no spitting. But if you get hit in the face and some
spit flies out, that doesn't count. Loser is the first person to say ‘Uncle.'"

  "Uncle," I said.

  Andy and Warren exchanged whispers. "There's been a change in the rules," Warren announced. "Loser is the first person to cry."

  I tried to make myself cry, but it wasn't working.

  "Is everyone ready to see a fight?"

  My schoolmates cheered. Warren took out a whistle.

  "Let the fight begin...now!"

  He blew the whistle.

  Andy stepped toward me. I stayed right where I was, not out of bravery but because I couldn't move my body.

  A sort of rumbling sound came from the trees. The branches began shaking.

  "It's an earthquake!" somebody exclaimed.

  Suddenly a squirrel leapt from one of the lower branches, landing right on Julie's hair. She screamed and thrashed around, trying to get it off, while the squirrel made loud squirrel noises and danced around on her head.

  More squirrels leapt from the trees, some landing on the ground, some landing on innocent kids who just wanted to see Andy squash me. More and more squirrels emerged, scurrying down the tree trunks, heading for the nearest people.

  Warren blew his whistle again out of surprise, and instantly a dozen squirrels went straight for him. Within ten seconds he was covered with the vicious rodents. He fell to the ground and began rolling around, trying to get them off him.

  "Help me! Help me!" shouted Julie, whose hair was sticking up worse than Scoopy's.

  All around, kids were screaming and running in all directions from the insane squirrels. I didn't see any of them foaming at the mouth, so I hoped that they weren't rabid, just goofy.

  "Let's get out of here!" Andy shouted. I nodded and we took off, with Scoopy following close behind. A squirrel jumped on his back, but he grabbed it by the tail and threw it on Colin. It went down the front of his shirt and he let out a shriek that sounded a whole lot like Warren's whistle, causing a bunch of squirrels to rush at him.

  Andy, Scoopy, and I ran as fast as we could, leaving the sounds of our screaming classmates behind. We ran for several blocks, not stopping until Scoopy was completely out of breath.

  "Well, that was strange," Andy remarked.

  "Just a little," I agreed.

  "My house is right up the next street. We'll go there to call the police."

  "Good idea," I said. "Police are good."

  " Gasp Gasp Gasp ," Scoopy added.

  We hurried over to Andy's house. Andy quickly explained the situation to his father, who called 9-1-1 and told the police that they might perhaps want to investigate an odd situation occurring at Hanley Park.

  Then we all laughed and laughed.

  "That was the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life!" shouted Andy. "I wish I'd had a camcorder with me! Nobody at school will ever believe this!"

  "Well, I think at least forty or so kids will," I commented.

  "Yeah, but...was that fantastic or what? I think every week we should pretend that we're going to fight and get a new group of people to come there to watch!" He was laughing so hard that if he'd been drinking milk it would have come out of his nose with enough force to break through a wall.

  Scoopy and I exchanged a look that said "We're in the presence of a real weirdo."

  Andy stuck his hand out at me. "Put 'er there, buddy. You're all right."

  "I didn't do anything but run away from the squirrels with you."

  "That's good enough for me."

  We shook hands. I had a new ally in the war against...well, whatever I felt like warring against. Pretty cool, huh?

  APPARENTLY, BY THE time the police got on the scene, the squirrels had fled back to their trees, leaving a bunch of scratched-up and freaked-out but otherwise unhurt kids. None of them had rabies, in case you were concerned.

  Guess who they all blamed? Was it Andy, who'd not only started the fight but chose the location? Was it Julie, who'd been the one to provoke Andy into starting the fight? Was it Howie Hankensnorker, the magical elf? Nooooooooo, they blamed me, Elrod McBugle!

  I think they were all still mad about the gum.

  Chapter Ten Quiz

  1. Who would you have bet on in an Andy vs. Elrod fight, knowing that Elrod was writing the book and could have changed the facts any way he wanted?

  2. Do you think squirrels are cute? Do you think squirrels are cute when they're in your hair?

  3. Write an essay (three words or less) describing your feelings about the way the government treats people who wear clown suits and carry big mallets and walk up to people on the street and say "Hi there, I'm Mr. Mallet, would you like me to hit you?" and when the person says "No, not today," they go right ahead and hit them anyway and give an evil clown chuckle and then when the person gets back up they hit them a second time with the same mallet and when the person says "Hey, I said I didn't want you to hit me!" the clown says "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said you did want me to hit you, just like this," and then they hit the person again and give that same evil clown chuckle and when the person starts to run away they throw their mallet and hit him or her or whatever the person is in the back of the head and they keep doing that for hours and hours. Don't you hate that?

  Chapter Eleven

  REMEMBER ABOUT THREE chapters ago when Scoopy and I were talking about the Greenwater Junior High Talent Show? I didn't just mention that to fill space, like I do sometimes when I'm writing an essay. You know, when you're writing an essay and you have to hit a certain number of words, and so you put in little things that aren't really important but they sound nice, like "Christopher Columbus had pretty eyelashes." It makes whatever you're writing longer and therefore better, but it's a bad technique and I hope that nobody reading this ever does it, even if the average cow has 3.87 legs.

  (I just made up the cow fact. I hope nobody reading this ever makes up facts just to have something to write.)

  What's that you're shouting at the page? Get to the point, Elrod? Okay, okay...but you should know that a bunch of people saw you yelling at the book, and they think you're weird.

  A couple days after the squirrel incident, Julie and I were in science class, doing our lab experiment and making absolutely no changes whatsoever to the procedure, as per instructions from Mrs. Jones, Mr. Botkin, Mr. Clark, Dr. Larson, my mom, my dad, the local authorities, and this kid named Doug.

  Andy walked over, along with Warren and Colin. "Hi, Julie," said Andy. "Nice hair."

  I had to admit, Julie's hair looked a lot better now that most of it had been torn off by the squirrels. Julie even thought so.

  "Thanks," she said, smiling.

  Andy turned to me. "Were you going to enter the talent show? You can win prizes. You can have fun. You can show your school spirit."

  I shrugged. "I don't know. Why?"

  "The three of us were going to enter, and we wanted to know if you wanted to join us."

  "Yeah, okay. What about Scoopy?"

  "Sure. He's pretty funny-looking. He'll be good."

  "What are you going to do?"

  Andy glanced at Julie and at the other kids who were listening. "It's a secret. Can you come over to my house after school?"

  "I'll have to make sure it's okay, but yeah, I think so."

  "Great. See you then."

  Mrs. Jones said something that was probably a command for Andy, Warren, and Colin to return to their own lab, so they left. Julie put her lip out in a pout.

  "You're so lucky," she said.

  "WHAT IF THEIR idea of an act is beating you up on stage?" asked Scoopy, as we walked toward Andy's house.

  "Then we'd probably win."

  When we got there, Andy's garage door was open and the Former Bully Trio was already inside. They had some instruments set up: Colin on drums, Warren on keyboard, and Andy on lead guitar.

  "Hey, guys!" said Andy. "What do you play?"

  "Clarinet," Scoopy replied. "But I left it at school."

  "I don't think we can use a clarinet," And
y told him.

  Scoopy thought for a moment. "I can blow into a jug and make a neat sound."

  "There's a jug on one of the shelves. See if you can find it."

  Scoopy nodded and went in search of the jug. "What about you?" Andy asked me.

  "I can't play anything," I admitted. "I have no musical talent whatsoever. I didn't realize this was going to be a band."

  "You can do background vocals then."

  "I can't sing, either."

  "Yes you can. Everyone can sing. Watch." Andy began to jam on his guitar and screech "BABY BABY BABY I'M THE ONE YOU WANT!!! BABY BABY BABY I'M THE ONE YOU NEED!!!" Warren and Colin got into it and began playing their instruments as well. They were sort of the musical equivalent of an eighty-five car freeway accident.

  "OOOHHHH BABY I NEED YOUR LOVIN'!!! BRING ME THAT SWEET LOVIN' THAT YOU GOT, BABY!!! OOOOHHHHH YEAH!!!"

  "YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!" Warren and Colin pitched in.

  After about another half-minute of jamming, Colin ended the musical number with a cymbal crash. "What did you think?" Andy asked.

  "It was amazing," I said, purposely not specifying whether it was amazing in a good or bad way.

  "We wrote the music and lyrics ourselves," Andy said.

  "And we're called The Dogs," Colin told me.

  "The Dogs?"

  "Yeah, The Dogs!" said Andy. "Isn't that a great name for a band?"

  "I guess so. It's kind of boring."

  "It's filled with meaning," said Colin. "Because we're mean like dogs, we're wild like dogs, and we're loud like dogs."

  "Do you sniff other dogs' butts?" I asked.

  Colin glared at me. I realized that I'd become a little too comfortable around the Former Bully Trio. He could still slam my head between his cymbals if he felt like it.

  "The Dogs is an okay name," I said.

  "What would you call it?" asked Warren.

  I thought for a moment. "How about Squirrel Rampage?"

  Andy, Warren, and Colin all looked at each other for a moment, then broke out into a smile at the same time. "That's great!" Andy exclaimed. "See, I knew having you around was a good idea!"