Me & My Invisible Guy

by Sarah Jeffrey

  They enveloped me in a hug. I didn’t pull away. I felt too safe. But when I finally did, I saw tears in the corners of my mom’s eyes.

  “You can tell us anything—you know that, right?”

  I nodded. But it wasn’t my story to tell.

  I woke up on Saturday with a pounding headache, so I stayed in bed, listening to the rain drumming on the roof. Perfect weather for my mood.

  Tess.

  I dreaded finding out what had happened with the police, her mom. My parents were way past suspicious. They didn’t even know yet about me calling Darby for help. I wasn’t sure if they knew Darby was on a date, but if they found out I had interrupted something so important… I couldn’t think about it.

  My room seemed so bare without Todd. That fantasy world was so much simpler than the real one I was now dealing with. I could impose rules and structure on a fictional life, but my real life had dissolved into chaos, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

  Someone knocked on my door softly, then cracked it open.

  “You up?” my mom asked.

  I turned over to face her. She came in with one of her three dozen teacher mugs in her hand. She was wearing yoga pants, and her hair was still messy with sleep. She sat on the edge of my bed and put her arm on my leg.

  I thought back to Tess’s mom whimpering on the floor. I’m a lucky girl.

  “I know balancing confidences can be hard. And sometimes people ask us to keep secrets for good reasons. And sometimes they ask us to for bad reasons. I promise you, Mallory, if you tell me what’s going on, I’m not going to do anything on my own. I just want to help you figure it out. Whatever it is.”

  “You’ll want to tell. You won’t be able to help yourself.” I pulled myself into a sitting position and leaned back on the headboard. “I know you.”

  “I’m not saying I won’t want to. But I’m really worried. And I need to know what’s going on. We can’t keep secrets from each other. I don’t want you to… to ever feel like… like Darby did.” Mom’s voice cracked, and she pressed her fist to her mouth.

  “Mom, I’m not suicidal.”

  “I didn’t think Darby was either.”

  And that was it in a nutshell.

  I had to tell my mom something. But what could I say that wouldn’t worry her more? The gun thing was out, but maybe the rest. I decided to start off slow.

  “Tess’s mom drinks.”

  Mom nodded. “Okay, how much?”

  “A lot.”

  Slowly, the main parts of the story spilled out: the drinking, Tess’s worries about foster care, Darren’s behavior (minus the detail about the gun). I was sure that would send my mom right over the edge. She nodded a lot and urged me to continue, all the while sipping her coffee.

  When I was done, Mom didn’t say anything for several minutes.

  “You want to tell, don’t you?”

  “Absolutely. Don’t you?”

  “Well, yeah. But what will happen to Tess if I do?”

  “What will happen to Tess if you don’t?”

  Good point.

  My mom shook her head. “It may be out of your hands, anyway. If the police were there last night and saw her mom’s condition, well, they may have already called social services to investigate.”

  “No!”

  “I mean, it would be up to them, based on what they saw, but it’s within their power to do it. Especially if she was drunk.”

  Now I was scared. If something did happen, it would be my fault for calling the police. Tess would blame me, and she would have every right to.

  “Let’s go to the mall in a little while, grab some lunch. Do something completely normal. What do you say?” she asked.

  “Sure.”

  Mom left, and I went to take a very long shower. I wanted to call Tess, but since she hadn’t called me, I assumed the worst. And I really didn’t want to know if I was right.

  It wasn’t until I was getting dressed that I realized my phone was in someone’s backyard, currently getting drenched, if a dog hadn’t already eaten it. Tess could have been calling me for hours and I wouldn’t know it.

  When I came downstairs, Darby was talking with my mom at the kitchen table.

  “You didn’t tell me Darby had to pick you up last night,” Mom said, her voice even but laced with frustration.

  “Mom, I told you, I didn’t mind. I’m glad she called.” Darby smiled at me.

  “How was the rest of your date?” I asked.

  “Wonderful.”

  And I could tell from the look on her face that she was really happy, happier than I had seen her in a long time.

  “Brian seems awfully serious,” I commented. I didn’t say how worried I was that maybe she couldn’t handle it. What would she do if Brian flaked out like Liam did?

  “Oh, but he’s not! He’s funny and so smart, and he loves God. It’s a trifecta. And we’re going out again tonight.”

  I wondered if the same thoughts that went through my head had gone through my mom’s as well. She looked happy for Darby, but there was worry there, too.

  Finding a guy was one thing. Finding a guy who could deal with Darby’s past and the fact that she might not be able to have children was something else. They were just beginning to date, though, so it was probably too early. But still… it hovered in the air around us, spoiling some of the joy.

  At least for Mom and me. Darby was positively giddy.

  “Hey, can I come to the mall with you guys?” she asked. “I want to get something new for tonight.”

  The more the merrier.

  CHAPTER 16

  In the end, I bowed out of going to the mall. I needed to know what happened with Tess. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear about how wonderful Brian was all morning.

  Mom barely acknowledged me when I said I was staying home. I think she was too happy about Darby’s mood to mind.

  Once they left, I pulled on a waterproof jacket with a hood and set out for Tess’s. The weather was dreary, and I felt the same way inside.

  I was happy for Darby, really. But since Brian was linked to Liam, it made me think about him and the assembly and how I thought he was the perfect guy, too—until he stabbed me in the back.

  Tess’s house was completely quiet again. I decided to see if I could find my cell phone. Even if the phone itself was ruined, maybe the chip inside would be okay. I knocked on the neighbor’s door. An older couple lived there, but I didn’t really know them.

  A gray-haired man wearing khaki pants and a baggy cardigan answered the door, a cup of coffee in his hand.

  “Hi. I’m sorry to bother you.” I quickly explained that my phone was in their backyard. “Would you mind if I look for it?”

  The man opened the door wider. “Feel free. But there’s probably not much hope for it, is there?”

  “Maybe not, but it can’t hurt to try.”

  I stepped inside and followed him through the house to the back. A small terrier came running out of the kitchen, barking at my feet.

  “Hush, Tiger. Leave the poor girl alone.” An older woman wearing a purple running suit and lots of fancy jewelry appeared in the doorway. “You’re drenched to the bone, child!”

  The man filled her in on my cell phone.

  “You sure you even want to bother with it?” she asked.

  “Yes, if you don’t mind.”

  The man slid open the door, and I ran right, toward Tess’s house, figuring Darren didn’t toss it too far. It wasn’t hard to find: a bright-red spot on the soggy green grass. I snatched it up and ran back inside the house.

  I stood on the towel that someone had placed just inside the door.

  “What are you doing here?” It was Tess.

  I pulled my hood back.

  “Tess? What are you doing here? Are you okay? What happened?” I didn’t want to move until I stopped dripping all over the place.

  Tess just stood there, her eyes slicing through me. The couple had moved out of sight somew
here, taking the little dog with them.

  “Tess. Please try to understand. I got scared when I saw that gun. And when he was coming toward me… I panicked.”

  Tess crossed her arms. “I understand perfectly. And I need you to understand that you’ve ruined absolutely everything. So take your phone and go home.”

  “What happened?” I took a step toward her, but her glare stopped me.

  “What do you think? The police took my mom to the hospital and called social services. Happy?”

  “No.”

  “It’s what you wanted, isn’t it? All along you’ve been wanting me to tell, and instead of helping me, you just go and do what you want, anyway. Some friend.” She turned and left the room.

  I walked toward the front door.

  The woman came down the stairs and stopped me. She rubbed my shoulder. “Tess is upset, but she’ll come around.”

  “I doubt it. She’s right. It’s my fault.” I couldn’t stop the tears.

  “Now look here.” The woman, who was a head shorter than me, grabbed my shoulders and pulled me close. “That girl needed help. You knew it, and I knew it. But you did something about it. Not everyone has the gumption to do what’s right, even if it makes other people mad. Mark my words. She’ll thank you for it someday.” She pulled me into a hug. “You hang in there. It’ll all work out.”

  I thanked her and walked home. If only that woman was right.

  I set myself up on the couch with a bunch of movies and plenty of Doritos and Dr Pepper: my version of a pity party. Since I couldn’t actually disappear, it was the best I could do.

  I was watching The Proposal when my dad came in and set down his four camera bags.

  I waved.

  “You by yourself?” he asked. “Where did Mom go?”

  “She’s at the mall with Darby.”

  Dad stepped into the mudroom to take off his shoes and coat, then came over and sat on the couch with me.

  “I thought you were working all day,” I said.

  “The rain. I had about six teams lined up for shots today, and then it goes and rains. I hate rescheduling everything.”

  “I’ll help if you want me to,” I said.

  “Thanks. I may just take you up on that.” He stood and stretched. “Oh, and I talked to the Garrisons last week. They have that photo collage you made hanging over their fireplace in a huge thirty-by-forty frame.”

  I smiled.

  “You feeling all right?”

  “Yeah. I’m tired.”

  “Okay. I think I’m going to go finish up the Briggses’ wedding pictures.” He opened the door to the basement, where he had his full office and workroom set up, and went downstairs.

  I settled back in with my movie, but less than ten minutes later, the garage door flew open, and Darby came running through the house and up the stairs. Then Mom walked inside, avoiding my eyes. Her face was red and splotchy.

  “What’s wrong?” I was almost scared to ask.

  Mom finally looked at me, but it wasn’t a warm, loving look. No, this look was accusing and angry. Kind of the same look Tess had used on me.

  “Who did you tell?”

  I sat up, scared. “Tell?”

  “About her getting sick, her attempt, everything?”

  The air seemed to leave the room as I tried to grab at the thoughts swirling around in my head.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, hoping beyond hope that it had nothing to do with me.

  Mom seemed to lose all patience. She was never much of a yeller, but her voice grew higher with each word. “Somehow, people know about Darby getting sick. How would they possibly know unless someone said something? I didn’t tell anyone. Darby certainly didn’t tell anyone. That leaves you.”

  “Me?” I said. But all could think was, The cheerleaders…

  Mom moved closer to the couch. “What did you do, Mallory?”

  “I just, I mean, I didn’t think that anyone…”

  “That anyone would what? That it wouldn’t spread around? You had no right to tell anyone about Darby. And now she’s terrified that Brian’s going to find out before she has a chance to tell him the truth. You’ve put her in a terrible situation. How could you do that?”

  I covered my face and sobbed. When I finally moved my hands, Mom was gone and I was alone.

  I hid in my room for the rest of the weekend, sneaking down only to grab some food. I had no one to talk to. No one to try and figure it out with. And each minute that passed was another minute closer to school. If the rumors about Darby had spread this much, then it was a given that by Monday morning everyone would also know that I was the virgin cheerleader. It just made my existence that much more miserable.

  Of everyone, Liam was the only person who would be willing to speak to me. But I couldn’t bring myself to call him. Because honestly, if he hadn’t done what he did, the rest of it wouldn’t have happened.

  Impulsively, I pulled out the Todd box and sat on my bed with it. I didn’t break the tape; I just stared at it.

  If only I had kept Todd, everything would be different.

  By Sunday evening I felt like the black sheep of the family. It was like Mom couldn’t stand the sight of me, and Darby barely emerged from her room. Dad was the only one who tried to coax me out, and even he seemed reluctant. Dad was a peaceful kind of guy, and any fighting or tension bothered him.

  Not that there was anything to argue about. I screwed up. That much was obvious.

  Monday morning was bright and sunny, and I had every intention of staying in bed. But Mom came in, pulled up my shades, and stood there as I tried to adjust to the light.

  “You’re going to school,” she said.

  “I can’t.”

  “Yes, you can. Every decision we make has a consequence, and you need to face yours. I’m leaving in thirty minutes. I want you downstairs, dressed and ready to go.”

  Mom left, and I wanted to cry all over again.

  But I got up. I would have to deal with school sooner or later, and I might as well do it on a day I had a ride.

  On my way downstairs, I stopped outside of Darby’s closed door. I wanted to apologize to her so badly, but that would mean facing her, looking her in the eye. And admitting the hurt and pain I’d caused.

  Dad gave me a big hug when I got downstairs, but he ate his breakfast in silence, reading his ShutterPro magazine.

  Mom bustled around, cleaning the kitchen and gathering papers until she looked at her watch and said, “Let’s go.”

  I followed her obediently and sat next to her in the car.

  “I messed up. I’m sorry,” I said.

  “I don’t want to talk about this right now.” She wouldn’t even look at me.

  I turned away and watched the houses and trees fly by, trying to come up with a strategy for school. Pretend not to be bothered by it? I could do that. I had practice with pretending.

  But as much as I didn’t want to think about that horrible assembly, something that woman said kept ringing in my ears. She made a smart choice. A brave choice. Was I smart and brave? I wanted to be. I wanted to be a girl who made choices with confidence.

  I had gotten rid of Todd because I didn’t want to pretend anymore, but now I wasn’t sure who I really was. Could I choose to be smart and brave now, even if I wasn’t before?

  Mom pulled up in the circle, and I climbed out. She didn’t say good-bye. It hurt, but I’d have to deal with my family later. Right now, I had to deal with North County High.

  There was no Liam waiting for me. I ignored the very definite whispers as I walked to my locker.

  Then I got a look at it.

  Someone had written virgin across the red paint in thick, black marker.

  I stared at it, hearing the laughter behind me and feeling the eyes waiting to see what I’d do.

  My instinct was to run.

  But there was nowhere to go.

  I looked at the word, at its hard black lines. The word that was never meant to
be a slur. And yet it was. An accusation.

  You’re a virgin.

  Something is wrong with you.

  No one wants you.

  There were a few other words that would be a more accurate reflection of me. Liar. Traitor. Hypocrite. Pick one, any one. But I was a virgin, too. It was as true a word as any of the others. Could I accept that one as well?

  I set down my backpack and searched through it until I came up with a Sharpie. I stood up and looked around at the clusters of kids watching. I turned back to the word and underlined it twice. Then I added an exclamation point, capped the pen, and opened the locker.

  At least it was true.

  By second period I had gotten three offers to help me lose my virginity and a lot of angry stares. I just ignored them and tried to focus on the faces in the hallways that didn’t seem so angry. There were some sympathetic looks out there.

  But second period meant facing Tess and Liam in the same class. I went to class early, since the hallways were the most dangerous place for overhearing things you didn’t want to listen to. I looked up when I caught sight of Tess’s curls. She walked to her desk and sat down, not even glancing at me.

  Liam came in right behind her. He sat in his usual seat, in front of me.

  “Something going on with Tess?”

  “Seriously. You’re going to ask about Tess? Do you hear what everyone’s saying? About me? Because of you?”

  “Yes. And I’m sorry. A hundred times over. You have no idea how sorry.”

  “Not good enough.”

  “Then let me show you something after class. Please?”

  Mr. Petrini stood up as the bell rang. “All right. Page eighty-five.”

  Liam kept waiting for an answer.

  “Maybe,” I whispered.

  He winked and turned toward the front.

  CHAPTER 17

  Liam stood by my desk after the bell rang. I followed him. The truth was, I wanted to forgive him. It was a monumentally stupid thing he did, but it wasn’t actually his fault that I made it worse by telling Darby’s secrets, too. Of course, I wasn’t going to let him off easy.

  He led me to his locker, which was in a different hallway than mine, and pointed at it.