A Good Enough Reason

by C. M. Lievens

  “Hi.”

  Dale grunted and kept his eyes on his locker. He took a few books out and pushed them in his backpack, then put his jacket in the locker, never looking at Ellis.

  “I think we need to talk.”

  “’Bout what?”

  “Uh, about last night.”

  “Nothing to say.”

  “But, well, you, you know.”

  Dale slammed his locker closed, and Ellis winced at the noise. Dale finally turned toward him, but he kept his eyes somewhere on Ellis’s chest rather than looking straight at him. “Look, just let it go, okay?”

  “Well, yeah, that’s what I want to do. I don’t want to lose your friendship. Not… not for that. Not over something like that.”

  Oh, how Ellis wanted to ask why. He wanted to know why him, why then, but he kept his mouth shut.

  “I don’t think we should be friends anymore.”

  Ellis’s heart broke a little. “Why? I told you we could forget—”

  “It doesn’t have anything to do with that. I just can’t be around you anymore.”

  “But why?” Dale’s only answer was a shrug. Ellis chuckled darkly. “So what, you’re going to act as if the past few months didn’t happen? As if we’re not friends?”

  “It’s better that way.”

  “But what about our English project?”

  “We’ll still do it.”

  Ellis saw something in Dale’s eyes, but before he could ask for more explanations, for real ones, Dale turned and walked away, leaving Ellis alone in the hallway. Ellis watched him stride away from him and their friendship, and berated himself for thinking someone like Dale would want to be his friend.

  THINGS DIDN’T get better after that. Ellis had decided to give Dale some time to think before trying to talk to him again, but after a week, he still hadn’t found an opportunity. Every time he caught Dale alone, someone magically materialized by his side, usually Stephanie or one of his teammates.

  Ellis didn’t know what to do, so he stopped trying. It wasn’t worth the pain if he was the only one interested in keeping a friend.

  Someone honked at him, and he turned to see who it was. He’d been lucky enough that Mark had the flu and hadn’t been at school ever since the day of the soccer match, but Ellis knew it wouldn’t last forever. Luckily for him, it was only Seth.

  Seth was a case of his own. He was Dale’s best friend, yet he still talked to Ellis. Not as much as before, but he did, and it made Ellis feel better. He hadn’t lost everything he’d gained with Dale, though they avoided talking about Dale. Too uncomfortable.

  “Hey, El. Want a ride?”

  “Ah, no, thanks.”

  “Come on! It’s freezing!”

  “I’m fine.”

  Seth stopped the car and got out. He stomped toward Ellis and reached for him, taking hold of his wrist. “Look, I don’t know what the fuck happened between you and Dale, but I don’t care. I already told you I don’t choose my friends because Dale approves of them. Even if he’s being a dick, I’m not, so you have no reason to avoid me.”

  “Okay, one, I wasn’t avoiding you. I just know my house isn’t on your way. Two, how do you know it was Dale’s fault?”

  “’Cause he ignores me when I ask what happened and tries his best to look like he doesn’t care, while you look like someone killed your puppy.”

  Ellis hadn’t been aware his feelings were so obvious, and he knew he’d have to curb them before Mark came back. The last thing he needed was to give the guy more ammunition to hurt him. “So what do you want from me?”

  “To give you a ride home because it’s cold and I’m your friend, and to talk to you.”

  “Won’t Dale get angry with you too when he finds out you’re still talking to me?”

  Seth pulled Ellis toward his car. “Who cares?”

  “He’s your best friend.”

  “It doesn’t mean I have to agree with him when he’s being a dick.”

  Ellis knew he wouldn’t win this battle, and it was cold. “Okay, sure. Take me home, Alfred.”

  Seth arched a brow. “Alfred?”

  Ellis groaned. “I really should start educating you.”

  Once they were in the car and warmer than before, Seth didn’t lose time. “So, what happened?”

  “I knew giving me a ride was a trick to get the answers out of me!”

  “Yeah, so? I want answers, El. Come on. Dale isn’t one to act like a dick for nothing.”

  Ellis would’ve liked to have answers too, but he couldn’t tell Seth the truth. “It’s nothing you can help with.”

  “Let me decide that.”

  “I can’t tell you. I’m not the only one involved.”

  “Talk around it, then.”

  “Well, something happened. Something that shouldn’t have happened.”

  “Sounds like the beginning of a bad horror movie.”

  “You want to know or not?”

  “Yeah, yeah. Go on.”

  “I told Dale it didn’t matter and that I wanted to forget about it, but he just decided we couldn’t be friends anymore. That’s it.”

  “And you won’t tell me what happened.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You’re not making my job easier.”

  “Your job?”

  “Yup. I’ve known Dale since we were eight, and I know he’s brooding and thinking about what happened. You have to give him time to think it over, go a bit crazy, and make a decision. I can’t help if neither of you talk to me.”

  “I can’t tell you, though. It’s not only about me.”

  Seth sighed. “I get it. I just wish Dale wasn’t so stubborn.”

  “What if he decides he’s better off without me?” Ellis knew he was whining, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. If he couldn’t be himself with his few friends, who could he do it with?

  “There’s nothing much you can do, but I’ll talk to him again. I’ll try until he spills the beans, maybe use a little guilt, you know, the I’m your best friend, but you’re not telling me anything card.”

  “And you think it’ll work?”

  “It does for girls.”

  Ellis chuckled at the fact that Seth was comparing Dale and himself to girls. He was glad he’d talked to Seth. Dale wasn’t talking to him yet, but Seth gave him hope.

  IT’D BEEN two weeks, and Dale wasn’t feeling any better. He’d thought telling Ellis to back off was the right thing to do. How could he stop thinking about the guy if they spent time together? Not that not seeing Ellis had helped much—Dale still couldn’t get him out of his mind.

  He’d tried everything to consciously not think of him, to spend more time with Stephanie and his friends, and he’d even volunteered to babysit his sister and one of her friends when they’d had a sleepover. Nothing had worked. He still thought about the kiss every time his mind wasn’t actively working on something else.

  Dale knew he shouldn’t have done it. He shouldn’t have kissed Ellis. He wasn’t even sure why he’d done it, to be honest. Well, he knew he’d wanted to kiss Ellis for a while. The guy was cute, nice, proud of who he was—even with the bullying—smart, caring, and a whole lot of other stuff Dale liked.

  But Dale had a girlfriend, and even if he didn’t, was he ready to face what would happen if he started a relationship with a guy? Or would he want to keep it a secret? Knowing Ellis, he wouldn’t be okay with that, and it made Dale even more confused.

  He realized he had to give it serious thought. He’d known he was kind of crushing on Ellis, but he hadn’t been sure Ellis felt the same. He still wasn’t, but Ellis had kissed him back. Dale could still feel Ellis’s arms around his neck as Dale held him close. But was Dale ready to break up with Stephanie for it?

  He liked her. He wouldn’t be with her if he didn’t. He wasn’t in love with her, though. She was nice and sweet, but that was all. He’d already known they would break up at the end of the year. They weren’t going to the same college, and he
didn’t want to have a long-distance relationship with someone he didn’t love. It was hard enough to make it work if you did, and if you didn’t….

  Dale didn’t know if he loved Ellis, but he liked him more than he did Stephanie. That probably meant he should break up with her, but what did he do about Ellis?

  Dale groaned and hit his forehead on his notebook.

  “What the fuck is going on with you?”

  Dale scowled at Seth. “Nothing.”

  “Yeah, right, and I’m the Pope.”

  “Should I call you Your Sanctity?”

  “Not funny. You know, I’m pretty sure a part of my family is Catholic. You could go to hell for saying that.”

  “I don’t think so. Besides, you started it. And you’re not funny.”

  “Am too. Now, are you ready to tell me what’s bugging you?”

  Dale wanted nothing more than to tell his best friend, but how would Seth react to the fact that Dale liked guys as much as he liked girls? That he liked one guy in particular rather than his girlfriend?

  “I’m your best friend. You have to tell me,” Seth pointed out.

  Dale laughed. “That would work better if you didn’t use the same excuse every time you want something from me.”

  Seth pouted. “It’s still true.”

  “Okay, okay. I’m going to try to tell you, but I think we need a snack before I do.” Dale rose from his chair and opened the fridge. He was glad his mother had taken Alicia out this afternoon. It had given him some time to do his homework and to chat with Seth, although he wasn’t sure how much he liked the turn the conversation had taken.

  “Cookies and milk okay?”

  “Who made the cookies?”

  “The machines in the factory.”

  Seth shrugged. “Sure. As long as you didn’t make them.”

  “Jeez, I burned that batch when we were ten, Seth. I haven’t even baked cookies since then.”

  Seth put their books and notebooks away. Dale placed two glasses, the milk, and the bag of cookies on the kitchen table and sat back down.

  “You look like chocolate has disappeared from the surface of the Earth.”

  Dale laughed. The fact that Seth managed to keep things light shouldn’t have surprised him, but it did every time. “No, I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to keep up with your addiction, for a while anyway.”

  “Good. Did you kill someone?”

  Dale shook his head. “Of course not.”

  “Torture someone? Got Steph pregnant? Got another girl pregnant?”

  “God, no. You know I don’t cheat, Seth.” But that wasn’t completely true. He’d kissed Ellis.

  “I don’t think whatever you did is so bad.”

  “I kissed someone. Someone who’s not Steph.”

  “So you did cheat on her.”

  Dale scowled. “It was just a kiss.”

  “Still cheating in my book.”

  Dale hadn’t thought of it that way, but yeah, he’d cheated on Steph. He hadn’t meant to, but he had, and what was worse, he had feelings for the person he’d cheated on her with. “Fine. I cheated on her.”

  “Okaaay. I get why you think it’s bad, but not why you didn’t tell me. It’s not like I’m going to tell her. What does Ellis have to do with it, though? Did he see you or something?”

  Dale shook his head. He put his cookie down on a napkin and took a sip of milk, then put down the glass. He looked at his hands, wondering if he was really ready to do this.

  “Dale? What’s wrong?”

  Seth sounded worried now, and Dale knew he wouldn’t let it go until he had answers. Besides, he had to tell someone, and Seth was a good guy. He wouldn’t push Dale away. Or at least Dale hoped not.

  “Ellis didn’t see me kissing someone. I kissed Ellis.”

  Dale waited for an answer, any answer, but Seth was silent. When he couldn’t wait any more, Dale looked up. Seth was looking at him, his mouth open, cookie crumbs sticking to his lips. It made Dale want to laugh, but he still wasn’t sure Seth was taking this well.

  Seth shut his mouth with a snap and swallowed. “You kissed Ellis?”

  “Yeah.”

  “But he’s a guy.”

  “Yeah.”

  “So… that means you’re gay?”

  Dale shook his head. “Bi, actually.”

  “Bi. Okay.”

  “I’ve never done anything with a guy, though, except for the kiss with Ellis. I’ve never even liked a guy before him.”

  “How do you know you’re bi, then?”

  “How do you know you’re straight? How did you know before you started going out with girls?”

  “Okay, point taken. So, Ellis, huh? You could have chosen worse, I guess.”

  “You don’t… you’re not going to say anything?”

  Seth took another cookie. “What should I say?”

  “I don’t know. I wasn’t expecting you to be so okay with it, I guess. You are, aren’t you?”

  “Sure. I don’t see what difference it makes. You’re still you.”

  A huge weight lifted from Dale’s chest. “So you don’t care?”

  “Nope.” Seth pointed his cookie at Dale. “But I want to know more about this. Why’d you kiss Ellis?”

  “I’m not sure myself.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “Okay, fine. I like him.”

  “Like as in you have a crush on him?”

  Dale felt his cheeks heat. “Yeah.”

  “What about Stephanie?”

  “I like her too, but….”

  “But not as much?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So what are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “He misses you, you know.”

  “Ellis?”

  “No, my dog. Of course, Ellis. I talked to him last week, gave him a ride home. He said he told you to forget what happened and just be friends.”

  “How can I do that, though?”

  “Then break up with Steph and get with Ellis.”

  Dale looked at best friend. “You think it’s so easy?”

  “Yeah.”

  “If Ellis does want me that way, I’ll have to come out to my family, to the team, to the entire school. You know how Ellis is treated. I’ll have to go through that too, and people will think I’m an asshole because I was with Steph even though I don’t love her. Or they’ll wonder what Ellis did to make me dump her or if I cheated on her with him.”

  “So… what, you’re going to stay with her and go on as if nothing happened? What about Ellis? He doesn’t deserve that. They don’t deserve it.”

  “I know, I know.” Dale raked one hand in his hair, wishing there was an easy way out of it. “I’m going to talk to him. I’ll explain.”

  “What about Steph?”

  There was only one possible option with her. “I’ll break up with her.”

  “Will you tell her why?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Seth put his empty glass back down and nodded. “So what’s the plan?”

  “Plan?”

  “Yeah. What are we gonna do now?”

  Dale leaned over the table and slapped the back of Seth’s head.

  “Oww!”

  “You’re not doing anything. This is something I have to deal with on my own.”

  “Fine. I just wanted to help.”

  Dale looked at his best friend. “You already did, believe me.”

  “OKAY, SPILL it.”

  Ellis scowled at the ceiling from his bed. He’d rather scowl at Matt, but that was a bit hard since they were talking on the phone. “Spill what?”

  “Whatever happened.”

  “Nothing happened.”

  “Can we cut the men don’t talk about feelings crap for a while?”

  “I never said feelings were involved.”

  “Of course they are. You’re too quiet, and you haven’t updated your latest fanfic on the website. You only skip that when you’re
feeling especially low.”

  Right now, Ellis was feeling kind of sorry Matt knew him so well. Because he was right, of course. The only times Ellis hadn’t updated his stories had happened when Matt had moved and when Ellis’s grandma had passed away the year before. Not even Mark’s bullying stopped him from writing. “It’s complicated.”

  “It always is.”

  “And I can’t do anything to change… stuff. Just wait. And it sucks.”

  “Okay, so you can tell me while you wait.”

  “I went to a party a few weeks ago—”

  “Wait, what? You went to a party? Who managed to drag you there?”

  “You want to know what happened or not?” Ellis snapped, only to regret it right away. Matt was only trying to help. “Gosh, sorry. I’m a bit on edge right now.”

  Matt shushed him. “It’s fine. You didn’t hurt my feelings. I’m used to Pissy Ellis when you’re feeling down. Now come on, tell me. I swear I’ll keep my mouth shut until you’re done.”

  “It was a party to celebrate the soccer team’s win. I went with Dale, but Seth was there too.”

  “Okay.”

  “He kissed me.” It stumbled from Ellis’s mouth before he was able to stop it.

  “Who? Seth?”

  “No! Dale. I mean Dale. He kissed me.”

  “Dale kissed you. We’re still talking about Dale Stephens, right?”

  “Of course, dumbass. He’s still the only Dale I know.”

  “But he’s straight. And he has a girlfriend.”

  “I’m not too sure about the straight thing anymore, but yeah, he’s still with Stephanie as far as I know.”

  “Maybe he’s experimenting. Wait, was he drunk? You said it was a party.”

  “He wasn’t drunk, and I have no idea what to make of it.”

  “Is this what’s got your panties in a bunch?”

  “Yeah, in part. I tried to talk to him, to tell him it didn’t matter and we could forget about it, but he told me to leave him alone, and he’s been avoiding me since then.”

  “Maybe he’s scared you’ll tell everyone, or he’s ashamed. Or confused. Maybe he never realized he was gay, and now that he kissed you, he has to think about it. Or maybe he really just wondered how kissing a guy would feel, and he didn’t like it.”

  Ellis groaned. “You’re not helping, Matt. Seth said he was going to talk to Dale, but….”