Finding Us (Finding #2)

by Shealy James

  Finding out Karen is not my mother was the icing on the cake, the final connection that needed to be severed. You’d think I would be thrilled. All of those years of wondering why she hated me were explained in one small letter. I should be happy, but finding out that my mother died giving birth to me trumped the news about Karen. I will never know my real mother, and part of me feels like that is why I could never really figure out where I belonged.

  Now is my chance to do just that. Daddy gave me the precious gift of history. He kept my mother’s house for me. I am going there to stay for as long as I need. I may come back to school; I may not. While you go live your dream, I get to go figure out what I want for myself.

  I love you, Parker. God, do I love you. That I knew from the first moment we spoke. I need to love me too, though. I don’t know what the future holds or what you’re thinking, I just know this is something I need to do for me. I’m hoping I come home a stronger and happier Maggie. I want to rely on me first and my friends and family second. I want to look in the mirror and see past the flaws and the fears. I want to see what you, Max, and Daddy always saw in me.

  I don’t know what else to tell you, so I am going to end this with a single request: Please don’t try to contact me. Like I said, I need to do this on my own.

  I love you, Parker Pryce.

  Your Maggie

  The Promise – Tracy Chapman

  Her words…I read them again and then once more after that. I was torn between feeling proud and guilty. I was torn between feeling loss and hope. This was so unlike Maggie that I didn’t know what to think. Needing time to think, I headed back inside. I kept my head in the music instead of focusing on Maggie.

  I was surprised when they called it quits that day because I had been so lost in playing. Grady pulled me to the side again and apologized for giving me shit earlier. I just nodded and walked away. I had forgotten about it already. Grady was a good friend, and I didn’t take his questioning of my focus as anything but a question.

  That night I skipped the bar and sat in my hotel room with my guitar finally allowing myself to think about Maggie. I realized I couldn’t just let her go. If I couldn’t be with her, I could still give her something she didn’t have.

  That night I composed my first email to her.

  December 27

  Maggie,

  I know you asked me not to contact you, and I doubt you will read this, but I wanted to give you one thing you didn’t have: my thoughts. Honestly I don’t know what I am thinking. I go from being angry that you didn’t let me in, that you didn’t want me to be a part of this with you, to feeling guilty about not being there with you this week. Then I feel proud of you. Without sounding condescending, I am truly proud that you are taking your life into your hands and discovering the truth on your own. You deserve to know your mother. You deserve the love that only a mother can give. Hell, you deserve to be loved by anyone and everyone because you are truly incredible. I hope that is what you discover on this journey.

  While it kills me to be apart from you, especially considering how we left things, I can’t help but hope this is the journey you need to explore to find the peace you have been searching for. Now I sound like Becca. Huh.

  Like you left me with one request, I will leave you with one of my own. Come home to me when you’re ready. I’ll be waiting.

  I love you, pretty girl. I always will.

  Parker

  Hold On- Phillip Phillips

  I felt relieved after I sent the email. Even knowing she wouldn’t read it right away didn’t keep the desire to communicate with her away. Max told me she was disconnected from the world, but I knew one day she would need to know I stayed with her even though I wasn’t physically in her presence. Believing that is what spawned my daily emails. I needed to send her my thoughts even if they were depressing.

  My New Year’s Eve email was the hardest to write. I wanted to be asking her to marry me like I had planned months ago, but that would have to wait. All I could do was imagine her and write her yet another email. After two weeks I started to wonder if she would ever respond. She should have been home by then if she was going back to school. I was still in LA, but it was only a matter of time before we would be on a plane back to Atlanta. I wanted to know if I had anything to come home to.

  Chapter 18

  Maggie

  I finally felt free. It was the strangest thing. I looked around the room and only saw love. It was all I ever wanted: a mother who loved me, and mine did even if she wasn’t here to tell me. It showed in everything in her house.

  My mother was amazing. I read her writing she had kept on a shelf letting me know she was proud of her work. I flipped through every picture album numerous times. Anyone could see she loved Daddy. His presence filled the house just as much as hers did.

  My nursery was still set up to welcome home a baby girl. Pink and green turtles welcomed me just as much as the beautiful pregnancy pictures of my mother showing me her eight months of growth. I sat in that room for hours imaging my life with her.

  I walked the beach daily to find the peace that I seemed to be able to find only when listening to the ocean waves. The rhythmic beating of the water against the shore helped me keep my emotions and “what ifs” at bay. I was trying to take the past and make it my own. I wanted to be able to live in the moment when I had finally decided to leave this place behind.

  The best part of the trip was meeting the neighbors who remembered my mother. They were an older couple who I could imagine being lovely grandparents. Their daughter had been the one caring for the house for the past twenty years, so Daddy must have trusted them. After my first dinner with them, I understood why. They loved my mother.

  Hearing their stories about her made me feel closer to her. When I would go home after listening to them, I would sit in her house and tell her about my life. Knowing I sounded crazy, I found a sort of therapy in talking to my mother’s ghost.

  I told her about college and Parker. I laughed when I told her about Max. I cried when I told her about growing up with Karen. I told her I wanted Eliza and Dr. Pryce to get together even though I wasn’t a matchmaker. My last batch of tears came when I talked to her about Daddy. I told her how much I loved him and what I wished for him. Knowing my wishes couldn’t come true broke my heart.

  After my one-sided conversations with my mother’s ghost, I felt stronger and grounded. It was like the years of pent up anger and frustrations were gone and all that was left in their place was peace.

  On the morning of my fourteenth day there I awoke to sunshine and silence, just like every other morning. I climbed from the bed and started to head to the kitchen when the woman in the mirror stopped me. She was beautiful. Her smile was wide and uncontrolled. Her eyes sparkled with joy. I looked down at the picture on the dresser and saw a woman with similar features there. One last glance in the mirror made me realize the difference I saw in myself. I was happy. I was alone and happy.

  A deep breath escaped my chest before I tilted my head up to the ceiling with my eyes closed. “Thank you,” I breathed out. I knew the peace I had found was a gift from my mother. I also knew it was time to go home.

  I finally turned my phone on and called Daddy.

  “Hey kid,” he answered. “Everything ok?”

  “Yeah, Daddy. Everything is better than ok. I’m ready to go home.”

  “You headed back to school?”

  “Yeah. I know what I’m doing now.”

  “What about your mother?”

  “I get it now, Daddy. I know why you loved her so much. She’s amazing.”

  “Yeah, she was.”

  “We’ll keep the house, right?”

  “It’s yours Maggie Anne. You can go back anytime you want.”

  I smiled as I took in the space that looked exactly as it had when I had arrived two weeks before. “Thank you for this, and I’m sorry.”

  “What are you sorry for?” He asked.

  “I’m
sorry you didn’t get more time with her. I’m sorry you didn’t get to spend your forever with the love of your life.”

  He laughed. “Didn’t I? I got you, kiddo.”

  Tears pricked my eyes. “Daddy…”

  “You are the best part of both of us. Don’t you forget it. Now get in the car and head my way. I want to see you before you head back to school.”

  “What about Karen?” I asked, cringing a little when I said her name. It felt wrong to taint the perfect space around me with the hate I still felt for that woman.

  Daddy sighed. “She’s gone. Papers have been filed, but she headed back to Mississippi the day after Christmas. I put the house up for sale, but nothing will happen until you girls come and help me decide where to go from here.”

  “The twins ok with you separating?”

  “I think they have some forgiving to do, but they’re ok. Carolyn’s been staying here, and Catherine has called everyday to check on me. She’s going to be a great mom.”

  “Catherine’s going to be a mom? She’s pregnant?” I was shocked. I had blocked out the rest of the world, but apparently no one else put their lives on hold while I threw a pity party and discovered where I came from.

  Daddy laughed at my surprise. “Get up here, kid. We have a lot to talk about.”

  “I’m on my way, Daddy.”

  As I hung up, I was alerted to my other messages. Max had texted a few times, but there was nothing from Parker. I wasn’t surprised. I had told him not to contact me. I texted Max back telling him I would call from the car. Thank goodness for Bluetooth. I had a lot to tell Max and a long drive ahead of me.

  I was about to get going when I noticed the little red bubble above my email indicating I had several emails. It was there that I discovered Parker had completely ignored my request to refrain from contacting me. My email box had an email from him for everyday I had been gone. I couldn’t decide if I was pleased or annoyed that he had ignored me, but I knew more than anything I was a little frightened of what the emails said.

  I opened the last one first. He had sent it late the night before. With the time difference, that made it early that morning my time.

  January 10

  Maggie,

  I honestly thought I would have heard from you by now, and now I’m left wondering if I ever will hear from you again. It’s been two weeks. At first I could deal with just being able to send you my thoughts, but now I’m not so sure. Not knowing if I will ever hear from you is killing me. I wonder if I will ever get to hold you in my arms, listen to you laugh, watch you sleep, see you fight with that strand of hair that never stays back. Will you ever allow me to play for you again and tell you how I feel with music? Will you ever let me love you again and make me feel whole like I have only ever felt with you? Two weeks shouldn’t feel like a long time considering how little time it is in the grand scheme of things. I mean it is the notice you give before you quit a job. It is the time some people spend on vacation. It is nothing, yet it feels like a lifetime when you can’t talk to the one person you miss more than anything.

  You told me that I fix things. I’m a fixer. It’s true, and I want to fix this, but I don’t even know where to begin. Tell me where to start, baby, because I don’t think I can take much more of this.

  I love you.

  Parker

  Carry You Home – James Blunt

  His words broke my heart. I read the rest of his emails. Some were more positive, but the late night emails showed me how lost he felt. This time it was me who could fix it. I could be the fixer. I knew Parker and I were meant to be. I felt more certain of it than ever before.

  After hastily packing my bag, I drove to Daddy’s house. After catching up, I told him I needed to go. He understood. Being his usual self, he even bought my plane ticket and drove me to the airport. It was dark when my plane took off, but it didn’t matter. I had to get to Parker.

  Billy was there in a sleek black car with a driver. I had been nervous when I called him and told him I was coming to town. I didn’t want the first time I spoke with Parker to be over the phone, and I really didn’t want Billy to tell me it was a bad idea for me to come out there, but I had been worried for no reason. Billy’s response was simple. “Thank fuck!” I laughed and then gave him my flight number and time when he insisted on being the one to come get me. His giant bear hug he gave me in the airport gave me a good idea of how happy he was to see me.

  The whole way to the hotel I tried to keep my nerves under control by asking about the band. It didn’t help because Billy wanted to tell me about Parker.

  “Good thing you and Park took that contracts class or whatever last semester. He read the contracts more carefully than the lawyer Gray hired. Parker negotiated a pretty sweet deal for us.”

  “I’m not surprised. He would make an amazing attorney one day if he decided that’s what he wanted to do.”

  Billy patted my leg. “I’m pretty sure Parker has no idea what he wants to do other than marry you.”

  I smiled and hoped for his words to be true.

  As my nerves started to take over again, my knees started to bounce wildly. Billy must have noticed because he started telling me about him and Grady living up the rock star life while Nick and Parker were the same “lame asses” they were in Atlanta.

  “I thought Grady and Ivy were going to work out,” I thought aloud while feeling disappointed for Ivy. I knew she was into Grady, but they had been gone over a month, so I wasn’t sure anymore.

  “Yeah. He talks to her still, but I think he’s been pretty open about the fact he’s not going to do the whole relationship thing right now. That’s for people like you and Park.”

  I snorted. “We’ll see.”

  Billy laughed. “No, you’ll see.”

  I smiled knowing he was probably right. “Yeah. I hope so.”

  I felt more and more like throwing up by the time we pulled up to the hotel. It was a fairly swanky place that was stereotypical for Los Angeles. It actually surprised me they were putting the band up in such a nice place considering they were just getting started, but what did I know about the music business?

  The driver opened the door for me, and Billy crawled out behind me. Fortunately I had thrown on a cute outfit, so I didn’t feel as much of a mess even though I had been on the go since my morning revelation almost 24 hours before. I made sure to stop by the airport bathroom and primp a little as well. Parker was getting his confident girlfriend back, and I wanted to look the part even if I felt exhausted. Being tired didn’t erase the last two weeks for me, and I planned on showing him just how happy I was to see him once I got him alone.

  I followed Billy through the lobby where he happily dragged my bag straight to the bar. Apparently the guys hung out there often because they came back so late from recording. Billy told me they checked out the club scene a couple of times, but it was nothing like their bar back home that they preferred to anything else.

  Once we reached the dark bar my eyes quickly found Parker. It was like they knew where he was without my brain registering. His back was to me and Grady and Nick sat on either side of him in the small club chairs. Grady saw Billy approaching from across the room before his eyes found me. I saw the wide smile creep on his face before he alerted Parker to our presence.

  Grady smacked Parker’s arm with the back of his hand and nodded in our direction. Parker turned, saw Billy, and then found me. It was only seconds before he was out of his chair and across the room, but in those seconds I took in everything about him. His hair was longer and just as messy. His eyes were tired but just as dark. His face held no expression yet I could read the fear and disbelief that anyone who really knew him could see. His body was as tall and lean as always, but I could see the slight change in his gait because his knee he injured a couple of years before was stiff from sitting too long. This was my Parker heading towards me.

  Without a word Parker’s arms wrapped around me lifting me off the ground. We started moving
, so I wrapped my legs around him to remain securely in his arms. Over his shoulder I saw the guys laughing and lifting their drinks to me. I waved just as Parker turned us out of the bar and towards the bank of elevators.

  Once he was standing still in the elevator I unwrapped my legs, and he lowered me down so my feet could find the ground. I couldn’t tell you if anyone was in the elevator with us. Parker consumed my senses. We were face to face for the first time, but still we remained silent. We stared at each other. His eyes flicked between mine taking me in, reading my face, then his hands came up from my waist to cup my cheeks.

  “Hi,” I said.

  “You’re here,” he said in a slight whisper.

  I smiled. “I’m here. For you.”

  He smiled for the first time, and I knew, just like Billy had known, that everything was going to be ok.

  “Hi,” he said. His voice was raspy like he was choked up, and it brought tears to my eyes, happy tears.

  “Hi,” I said again.

  The elevator door dinged, and he grabbed my hand and led me to his room. It was a standard hotel room with a huge king-size bed in the middle of the room. I had anticipated an awkward moment, but the second the door clicked shut, he was pulling off my top and unzipping my jeans. “I need you,” he growled, and I wasn’t about to deny him anything. I needed him too.

  Chapter 19

  Parker

  I didn’t sleep much that night. Maggie was here in my arms, and while my body believed it, my mind and heart were having trouble catching up. She fell asleep after we connected in the one way I had only been able to connect with her. We hadn’t even had a real conversation, but if she flew out to LA to see me, it was because she was ready to move on, or I hoped so anyway.

  I watched her sigh in her sleep, listened to her make that little noise I missed when she was gone, and felt my girl snuggle closer to me for warmth. I kept my arms tightly around her and finally fell asleep in the early hours of the morning.