Riding It Out

by Jennifer Foor

  Not knowing why he was telling me, I pointed toward the powder room. “It’s right through there.”

  “But you have to go with me,” he said sadly.

  “Why? You’re too old to be in diapers.”

  “You have to wipe my butt.”

  Shocked! That’s all I could say about that. I was supposed to go into the bathroom and wipe a child’s butt? “Seriously? You don’t know how to wipe your butt?”

  He shook his head. “Mommy always does it for me.” When he started to cry I crumbled. How could I have been so insensitive? This kid needed attention, help, and guidance.

  A sniffle came from behind me, before I noticed Erica bending down to his level. “I’ll take you to the bathroom, Shawn.” She gave me a dirty look as they both walked inside of the tiny powder room and shut the door.

  I could hear that they were having a conversation, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. Soon after there was a flush and then the door opened. Shawn came out wiping his hands on a paper towel.

  Erica followed him, leading the child to sit up on a stool. “What kind of jelly do you want?”

  “Grape,” he replied.

  “Grape it is.” She retrieved the jelly from the refrigerator and then the jar of peanut butter and bread from the cabinets. Shawn sat with his hands folded watching her making him a sandwich.

  I sat down next to him and folded my hands too. “Do you mind if I eat with you?”

  “Are you hungry?” He asked.

  “Yeah. Plus I love peanut butter and jelly, especially when she makes it.”

  “Is she going to be my mommy?” It was an innocent question, but as I turned my attention to Erica I could see that it had affected her. Her grimace was sad, as if it hurt her to even imagine. My heart sank as I fought for what to say to the kid.

  “How about we all get to know each other first? I think Miss Erica would like to your friend.”

  “She’s pretty.” The way he said it reminded me so much of his father. I couldn’t help smile in the midst of chaos.

  “Yes, she is. Don’t get any bright ideas though. She’s mine,” I teased.

  Erica scooted two sandwiches toward each of us. “Don’t listen to him, Shawn.”

  He giggled. “Is she your girlfriend?”

  I looked up at Erica, who was obviously still fuming. “How about you eat that sandwich? We can talk about girls later.”

  Shawn looked down at the food and seemed upset.

  “What’s wrong?” Erica asked him.

  “Mommy always cuts off the corners. She knows I don’t like them.” He jumped down from his seat and ran away into the other room.

  Erica and I both followed after him. I didn’t know what to say or do to make his pain go away, but something had to give. We found him crouched down in a corner. Tears fell from his eyes, while wads of snot trickled from his nose. I didn’t know what part to wipe first.

  Erica sat down beside him and pulled his little body against her chest. “I know you don’t believe me right now, but it’s going to be okay.” She looked up at me for some help.

  I crouched down beside both of them and touched his head. “She’s right, little man.”

  “But I want my mommy.”

  Erica and I desperately looked to one another for answers, even though neither of us had any. “How about you and I go out and get you some new toys? Would you like that?” I asked.

  He nodded. “I brought my favorite toy with us. Mommy said I couldn’t take everything. We gave them to the church.”

  I picked him up and headed toward the sofa, where I could sit him down in order to get his shoes on. Once Erica had retrieved them for me we were both set to leave. She walked with us outside, and helped me get his booster seat out of his mother’s car. Inside we found a bag with a few toys in it, as well as an envelope that she’d obviously been carrying around in case of an emergency. It was labeled, ‘If something happens to me’. I opened it up and read it with Erica standing next to me.

  I hope that nobody ever has to read this letter, but if you are there’s a good chance that I’m dead.

  My son, is my main concern. If you’re reading this letter I hope you will find him unharmed. His name is Shawn Reed Jr., and we’ve been desperately searching for his father for months.

  In the event that something bad has happened to me please contact the Simon family

  at the address below. They will want to make sure my son is okay, and come to pick him up from Social Services.

  Thank you,

  Melissa Reed Steadman

  “Maybe you should call them,” Erica suggested.

  “And say what?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know, Reed, or whatever you’re going by lately. I just don’t know. How are you supposed to care for a kid?”

  “Well I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do it alone, but it’s becoming obvious that ain’t the case.”

  She looked away and puckered her lips as if to keep from yelling in front of the boy. “I told you I’m not doing this with you right now.”

  “No, you want to wait until your family leaves. I get the drill. Let’s just pretend everything is fine and dandy in front of them. God forbid they know how much of a fuck up I am.”

  She shoved me away from the car. “Get yourself together, if not for you than for the little broken boy in the truck. He needs you.”

  “Well I need you.” It had nothing to do with the child either. I needed her in my life. “Please don’t do this. Don’t push me away.”

  “I still can’t look at you without being upset. Just go and spend the day out with that little boy. Buy him something over the top, and make sure you don’t come home until you’ve bought him ice cream.”

  “Home? Am I still allowed to call this place that?”

  “Don’t do this to me. You can’t get your way by making me feel guilty.”

  I wrapped my arms around her waist from behind, and surprisingly she didn’t pull away. With my lips close to her ear I whispered against it. “I’ve never loved a woman the way I love you. Don’t you dare give up on us, Erica. You can be pissed, and I’ll even let you push me away, but I refuse to sit back and worry that you don’t love me. It doesn’t go away that easily. What we have is the real thing. You can try to hide it from me, and you can tell yourself that you’ll be better off. Maybe it’s the truth, but I know you don’t feel that way. Don’t give up on us, babe. I’ve fucked up plenty in my life, but you’re one thing I’m not going to let get away.”

  “I need time.”

  “I need assurance,” I replied.

  “How can I give you that when I’m unsure of myself?”

  “Give me hope then. Tell me that you’re willing to consider forgiving me. Tell me that you’re proud of me for wanting to do right by this kid. Tell me you still love me.”

  She threw up her hands as she began to walk away. “I don’t know right now!”

  I followed behind her, swinging her around so that she’d be be facing me. “Yes you do.”

  “Please stop it.” She pulled me further away from the truck. “Do you even realize what you’re asking me? It’s not just about forgiving you. I get why you changed your identity, and it even makes sense why you want to continue to live under your friend’s name. I get it. I don’t agree with all of it, but I do understand. What I can’t fathom is the fact that on top of all the lies you’re asking me to help you raise a child. How much more can you throw on me, Reed? I feel disgusted calling you that.”

  “Don’t. It’s my name now. It says Shawn Reed on my license with my picture. I want to be called that for the rest of my life. It’s the only name you’ve ever known me by. Need I go on?”

  “No. What you need to do is climb into your truck and take that child out for a fun day.”

  “Tell me you love me.” It wasn’t a question. I knew she still did.

  “No.”

  I captured her hand and pulled her closer. “Tell me.”

/>   “No,” she repeated.

  “Are you afraid that if you say it, it may imply that you can’t live without me?”

  She attempted to push me away, but I held her tighter, bringing my lips closer to hers. “If you love me then this is worth fighting for, but if you can’t even imagine us working things out then I don’t have a reason to stick around making you miserable. So tell me, Erica. Say it.”

  She stuttered, “I do love you.”

  I kissed her hard, making sure she couldn’t pull away until I was finished. “I’ll give you your space, but when I get back we’re going to figure this all out together. You hear me?”

  She nodded.

  When I climbed in my truck and looked into the rearview at little Shawn I knew we wouldn’t be returning this evening for dinner. There was something important that we needed to take care of first, and one day wasn’t going to be enough time.

  Chapter 13

  “What’s your favorite food?” I asked when we got about a mile down the road.

  “Pizza and hot dogs.”

  “I know a place that has both of them. What do you like on your hot dogs? I like extra mustard and onions.”

  “Ew,” he giggled. “I like ketchup.”

  “What about fries?”

  “I like them. Pickles too. Mommy only let me have one a day. She says they give me bad breath. I miss my mom.”

  I reached over and patted his leg. “Shawn, I know you’re sad. My mom went to heaven too. It’s never easy saying goodbye to someone you love, buddy. She wouldn’t want you to be sad though.”

  “I’m scared,” he announced sadly.

  “That’s why we’re going on this trip. You and I are going to get to know each other. I’m not real good around kids, so you’ll have to be patient with me.”

  “Mommy says I’m a big boy. I promise I’ll be good.”

  I smiled and looked his way for a second before turning my attention back to the road. A little while later he fell asleep, giving me plenty of quiet time to think about where I was headed with life, this kid, and my future with Erica, if I had one at all.

  I also thought about Shawn Sr., and how I wanted this child to know his real father. That’s when I had an epiphany. I knew what I had to do in order to make things right. With or without my girlfriend, I was going to take care of his son.

  We drove through the night, stopping for bathroom breaks and to get something to eat. Shawn told me all about his favorite things, and also what he didn’t care for. It was definitely a bonding experience for both us, and I could tell that he felt comfortable being around me.

  We discussed his mother in length. He told me all about her being sick, and how the people from church had helped them when they didn’t have anywhere to turn. What I got from the conversation was that Melissa had worked up until she wasn’t able. When they lost their apartment they moved into a friend’s basement. Their daughter Patty would always babysit while she went to her treatments.

  He told me from early on she told him the truth. He said he wasn’t scared about living with other kids, because he’d always wanted a brother or sister.

  This tugged at my heart. I knew kids didn’t always have a nice life when they were tossed around in foster homes. I couldn’t imagine any son of mine living that way, and I knew Shawn would haunt me if I didn’t look at this situation with the same opinion.

  I’d taken the address book with us on our adventure. We made it to Oklahoma after a full day of traveling. Once we got close to the neighborhood, Shawn told me what roads to take to arrive at the house he’d been staying at.

  Once I’d helped him out of the truck he reached up and grabbed my hand to lead me to the front door. A young girl answered, and it was obvious she was excited to see him. She leaned down, “Shawnie. Oh my goodness, we’ve been so worried about you.”

  An older woman came to the door next. She looked down at Shawn and then up back up to me. I held out my hand for her to shake. “Good afternoon, ma’am. I’m Shawn Reed.”

  Instead of shaking my hand she put hers up to her face. “Oh thank God.” She looked around behind us. “Melissa?”

  I shook my head. “I’m sorry. She passed away.”

  Both of the women started to cry. I placed my hands on top of Shawn’s head to remind him that he wasn’t alone.

  “It’s okay, Mrs. S, she’s in heaven now with Jesus and all the angels. My dad says that she’s looking down on us.”

  Hearing him telling them that was a feeling I’d never experienced. I’d given him comfort, and he was passing it on to other people. It made me so proud.

  Once we were invited in, I explained what had happened, and how Melissa had made it just in time. I explain how she’d gotten sick and had to be rushed to the hospital. Then she told me Melissa had checked herself out of the hospital, picked up Shawn and drove away. She said they’d been calling hospitals and praying that nothing terrible happened.

  We stayed for dinner, in which I met Philip Simon. I could tell the whole family cared for Shawn, but they were busy people. Patty was going off to college in just a year, and both parents worked full-time jobs.

  Shawn fell asleep while watching movies with Patty. I could tell he had a little crush on the older girl. It made me think of his dad and how he’d always had an eyes for sexy women.

  I sat at the dining room table with the two adults explaining my situation, and how I hadn’t known about Shawn, but would do my best to give him a good life. I think they were still in shock about Melissa. According to them she’d been given days to live before leaving the hospital. It kind of pissed me off that she was traveling with Shawn, putting him in danger. I suppose she was so desperate that her motivation kept her alive. Even though she hadn’t found exactly who she was looking for, she knew he was safe.

  I’d never been very religious, but someone was looking out for that kid. It certainly made me believe that there was a higher power out there.

  Since it had gotten so late they insisted we spend the night. I carried Shawn downstairs where their things were still set up. Seeing so many pictures of Dingo when he was younger was hard on me. It brought back memories, both good and bad. I wished he could have seen this kid just one time. He would have been a great dad.

  That night little Shawn climbed in bed with me. At first it startled me. He said nothing as he got under the covered and nestled his little body close to mine. I’d never thought about being a parent. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that I could have a little one of my own; someone that would love me for bringing them into the world. This little guy next to me needed me as much as I think I needed him.

  While he lay there sleeping, I listened to him slowly breathing. He was so peaceful, probably dreaming of happy things that made him smile. If he was lucky he’d see his mother. If only I could go back and be a kid again. My life would be different, but then again, I don’t know if I’d change things if they led me to where I’d ended up. I loved my life, my girlfriend, and the idea of having a piece of my best friend with me for the rest of my life.

  In the morning we collected some of Shawn’s things from the house. I shared the address of the B&B and told them to visit whenever they wanted at no cost. It was important that Shawn have them in his life. He took his time saying goodbye, and honestly it was difficult watching them all so upset to see him go.

  Once we were back on the road I explained that we had one more stop to make, and that it was going to take a couple more days. We stopped at a hotel, where we had dinner and got some sleep. Like the night before, Shawn started out on the second bed and then ended up cuddled next to me sometime during the night. It was like a part of me appreciated how much he needed me. I knew Erica counted on me, and that her love for me was special, but this was something different. This boy depended on me to keep him safe. A week ago I’d been a stranger, but now I was all he had. Where it should have put extra stress on me, it made me feel complete.

  Arriving at Dingo’s old house brou
ght back a lot of hardships for me. The place had been on the market for months, but hadn’t gotten a single offer worth taking. I flipped through my set of keys when we got to the front door, fidgeting with the old lock until it clicked open. Once inside I was taken back. Everything was exactly how he’d left it, and it was impossible to not wish he’d come walking out of one of the rear rooms.

  “Where are we?”

  “This house belongs to your father, Shawn.”

  “You mean it’s your house?” He asked.

  “It is, but there’s more to the story. You see, buddy, I brought you here to tell you all about it. I want you to know the truth.”

  I knew he was too young to understand some things, but Shawn was a smart kid. Even though I wasn’t willing to let him go to live in a group home, I wasn’t about to live with a lie for the rest of our lives. He deserved to know of the brave man who was his father.

  I made us two glasses of water before getting situated on the sofa. He folded his hands and looked down at the them as I began to speak. “When I was a little older than you, eighteen to be exact, I joined the Marines. I wanted to be a soldier, but what I couldn’t tell anyone was that I was pretty scared how hard it would be. I met this guy, who everyone called Dingo, because when he slept he made noises that sounded just like one. Anyway, we became best friends. We did everything together, and for twenty years we remained close, like brothers. He was my family, and I loved him very much. This house was his, along with everything in it.”

  “Is he coming here later? Are we waiting for him?”

  “He died a while back.”

  “Like my mommy?”

  “Not exactly. He was in an accident. We were on our motorcycles and a truck cut us off. It was the saddest day of my life. I’d never felt loss like that before, and I didn’t know what to do. I was all alone in the world.”