She's The One

by J. J. Murray

  Katharina couldn’t find her voice at first. “What the—?” She threw up her own hands. “Well, you tell Fonzi that it would be his privilege just to smell my feet. Tell him there are millions of men out there who would give their left nut to be in the same area code with me. You tell him that.”

  Bianca smiled. “It really is cold in here,” she said in Italian. “We’re from L.A., remember? She has my boots, my mittens, my hat, and my coat. My toes are numb.”

  Pietro laughed heartily, shaking his head at Katharina. In Italian he said, “The fire will warm up the cabin in no time. I left the door open to create a draft so it would fire up more quickly because some of the wood is wet. There are thick down comforters on the beds. But it is not very cold at all tonight. Tomorrow, it will be colder. Later this week, it will be much colder with snow in the forecast.”

  Katharina blinked at Bianca. “Well?”

  Pietro nodded.

  “He says,” Bianca said, searching for the right words, “he says that he has a girlfriend a thousand times sexier and bolder than you are.”

  Pietro blinked several times and eventually smiled. “Bene.”

  Katharina rolled her neck. “Tell him his mule doesn’t count.”

  That made no sense, Pietro thought.

  “That made no sense,” Bianca said in Italian.

  Pietro nodded.

  “You know,” Bianca said in Italian, “you can say just about whatever you want, and I can embroider it a little. I was an English major, after all.”

  “Just don’t get too carried away,” Pietro said in Italian. “It can’t look as if I’m surprised at the translation.”

  “What the hell, Bianca?” Katharina asked. “What is Fonzi saying?”

  Bianca winced and turned to Katharina. “He says his mule is a boy mule and that even his boy mule is a thousand times sexier than you are.”

  Katharina Minola, diva, didn’t say a single word, pivoted, stormed to the bathroom, and slammed the door.

  We’re winning, Pietro thought. But it’s oh-so-early in the game.

  Chapter 12

  “Amazing,” Pietro whispered.

  “Fun,” Bianca whispered.

  Pietro motioned to the door, and the two of them left the porch and walked several feet into the darkness.

  “Maybe we should close the door now,” Bianca whispered.

  “That wood is really wet,” Pietro said. “If I don’t leave the door open, you’ll get smoked out.”

  “Just put lots of extra wood by the fireplace, okay?”

  Pietro nodded. “You’ll get used to the cold in no time.”

  Bianca looked back at the cabin. “Yeah, I’ve had a lot of practice working for her.” She smiled at Pietro. “What’s next, Alessandro?”

  Pietro smiled. “Tell her she arrived too late for dinner and that it had to be thrown out.”

  Bianca pouted. “I’m hungry, too. My stomach is speaking in tongues here.”

  “We have you covered,” Pietro said. “She will take the biggest bedroom, yes?”

  Bianca nodded.

  “In the smaller bedroom, the door on the far left, between the mattress and box spring are some raisins and granola bars. Vincenzo’s idea. You made an impression on him.” And me, too, Pietro thought. I hope they’re paying Bianca well. “Chew quietly, though.”

  “What reason do I give her for the food getting thrown out?” Bianca asked.

  “I’ve had trouble with black bears up here,” Pietro said. “Really. If they smell any kind of food, they’ll come clawing. They can be very mischievous and destructive.”

  Bianca grabbed Pietro’s arm. “Can they smell what’s under my mattress?”

  Pietro shook his head. “The raisins are in a big plastic bag, and wrappers cover all the granola bars. Just make sure you seal the big bag tightly.”

  Bianca sighed and patted Pietro’s arm. “I better get back inside.”

  “You’re doing wonderfully,” Pietro whispered.

  “Grazie,” Bianca said with a bow.

  Katharina was still in the bathroom when Bianca shut the door to the cabin. Bianca added another branch to the fire and warmed her hands. Smoke curled almost immediately around the branch she had just added.

  “Where’s my dinner?” Katharina yelled from the bathroom.

  Bianca slid over to the bathroom door. “Alessandro said we’re too late for dinner and that he had to throw it out.”

  “What? What the hell for?”

  Bianca did a little victory dance outside the door. “He says there are bears up here, huge grizzly bears, some weighing a thousand pounds and standing over nine feet tall. If they smell even the slightest scent of food at this hour, they might break in and attack us.”

  “Grizzlies? How far north in Canada are we?”

  I have no idea, but …” Alessandro told me we’re only a hundred miles from the Arctic Circle.”

  “I’m sitting on the Arctic Circle, Bianca,” Katharina said. “Well, you tell Fonzi that I want food, I want it hot, I want a lot, and I want it now. Also tell him that he must stay out on the porch tonight to keep us safe from the grizzlies.”

  Pietro banged into the cabin, and Bianca jumped. He dumped another load of wood by the fireplace. “This gives me an idea for breakfast,” he whispered.

  “You heard her?” Bianca whispered.

  “All of northern Ontario and half of Quebec heard her,” Pietro whispered.

  Bianca smiled. “We’re having bear stew, aren’t we?”

  Pietro nodded.

  The toilet flushed.

  “Vincenzo said you were sharp,” Pietro said louder, and in Italian.

  Katharina opened the bathroom door, shutting it quickly behind her. “What did he say about Vincenzo?”

  “Um,” Bianca said, turning away from Katharina, “only that Vincenzo didn’t put it in Alessandro’s contract to guard us from the porch. Alessandro is only one cabin away.”

  “A half mile away at least!” Katharina shouted. “What good can he do for us there?”

  In Italian, Pietro said, “I’ve had just about enough of her tonight. I pity you, I really do. You’ll be in my prayers. Will you be up early?”

  Bianca nodded.

  “Don’t be surprised,” Pietro continued in Italian, “if you hear a shotgun blast at dawn.”

  A rapid knocking sound on the door made Katharina and Bianca jump.

  “Who the hell would be out here on a night like this?” Katharina asked. Besides gullible me.

  Pietro opened the door to Vincenzo, dressed completely in black except for a curly blond wig sticking out from under his knit cap. “Hello! I am direttore.”

  I will have nightmares, Bianca thought. Though the wig does make him look younger.

  I will have nightmares, Katharina thought. Another freaking Italian!

  Vincenzo bounced into the room and shook Bianca’s hand. “Oh, but your hand is so cold!” He turned to Pietro. “Make the fire hotter!”

  Pietro ducked his head and nodded. “I try, but wood wet.”

  “You try? Get dry wood!” Vincenzo grabbed Pietro’s arm, cursed him in Italian, and dragged him from the cabin. He shut the door behind them.

  “Thanks a lot,” Pietro whispered as they walked down the path. “Why her? Why Katharina Minola? Why do you want to save that parody of a human being in there?”

  Vincenzo grabbed and hugged his brother. “It’s good to see you, Pietro.”

  Pietro stepped back. “Yeah, whatever. Why her, Vinnie? Of all the women on this earth, why does it have to be her?”

  “I think she’s worth saving, brother.” He squeezed Pietro’s arm. “There is much more to her than meets the eye.”

  Pietro frowned. “That is the scariest thing you have ever said to me. And by the way, you look ridiculous.”

  “Grazie,” Vincenzo said. “Go get some dry wood from your place and bring it back. I better go inside and get better acquainted with my star.”

  �
�Good luck,” Pietro said, and he turned and walked away slowly. “Oh, by the way, I’ve taken the name Alessandro.”

  “I’ve been watching,” Vincenzo said. “Um, how slowly are you going to walk, brother?”

  Pietro stopped and turned. “Dude, I need a break from that … from that. I’ll be gone at least ten minutes, maybe more.”

  Vincenzo reentered the cabin and stopped in front of Katharina. “I am so sorry about that. My cousin, Alessandro, he is, how you say, not a people person.”

  “His mule is nicer,” Katharina said.

  One of the reasons we got the mule. “It is so good to see the great Katharina Minola,” Vincenzo said. “I trust your journey was pleasant?”

  Katharina only blinked and shook her head. “It was the worst journey I’ve ever had. Who and what are you, anyway?”

  “I am Luigi Gremio, the direttore” Vincenzo said. “But my friends call me Sly.”

  “I don’t believe this shit,” Katharina said, finally slumping into a chair. “Let me guess. This is your first picture, isn’t it, Sly?”

  Vincenzo smiled broadly at Bianca. “Oh no. I direct many, many movies in Italy. Um, my first was Un tavoloper due.”

  Ha! Bianca thought. “A Table for Two.” Funny!

  “You have not heard of it?” Vincenzo asked.

  Katharina only sighed.

  “It won two awards for best set design and cinematography. My next movie, which was a big hit in my country,” Vincenzo said, “was Desidero farsi tagliare i capelli.”

  “I Want a Haircut!” Bianca thought. I hope he stops doing that. I am glad that he hates that wig, though. It might look good on me …

  Vincenzo looked at Katharina. “You have not heard of it, either?”

  Katharina shook her head.

  “It was comico. Funny. Ha-ha! Won awards for best costurning.” He smiled again at Bianca. “I have just finished what I think is my best film. It is called Gabinetto freddo.”

  Bianca burst out laughing. His best film was Cold Toilet! I am in a comedy, all right!

  Vincenzo nodded at Bianca. “You have seen it!”

  Bianca nodded. And Katharina just sat on it. I’ll bet it’s even colder now because of her.

  Vincenzo moved closer to Bianca. “And what was your favorite part?”

  Bianca widened her eyes. “The bathroom scene with the huge, hungry wildebeest inside trying to, um, trying to take a bath. That was hysterical.”

  Vincenzo turned to Katharina. “Is also comico. I am so honored to be working—”

  “Enough of this chitchat, um, Sly,” Katharina interrupted. “Where’s the damn script?”

  “It is not here?” Vincenzo asked. He trotted over to the fax machine. “It is supposed to be here!” He pressed several buttons, with each press a tiny beep cutting into the air. “It seems to be on. What is today?”

  “The twenty-ninth,” Bianca said.

  Vincenzo smacked his forehead with his hand. “Ah. So. The script will be here tomorrow. I have lost a day from the time change. I only fly in from Ravenna, Italy, today.”

  Hey, that’s my daddy’s hometown, Bianca thought. Has Vincenzo been researching me? I’m flattered. A little. Maybe he’s stalking me and wearing a blond wig to disguise his intentions. Would I mind him stalking me on a dark night like—

  Katharina groaned so loudly that Bianca jerked in her seat. “I am not happy, Sly.”

  “Oh no,” Vincenzo said. “Why not, Miss Katharina?”

  Katharina stood. “Actually, Sly, I’m pretty damn pissed.” She placed each hand on the table, palms down. “Where is the humidifier? I have very dry skin. Oh, right. There’s no electricity. Where are the flowers? Oh, right. They’d already be dead in this freezer of a cabin. Where is the all-black furniture? Oh, right. We’re in the Dark Ages up here where everything is made of sticks, stones, and branches. Where are the blackout drapes? Oh, right. There’s no need. It’s black as shit outside. But where … is my freaking … dinner? How hard could that be to have ready for me?”

  Vincenzo blinked and looked directly at Bianca. “I was not told this. Vincenzo did not tell me all this.”

  Bianca looked away. This is too funny!

  “We must fix this at once!” I should have been an actor, Vincenzo thought, shooting his right index finger high into the air.

  Fish pantomimed making a phone call. “Overacting Anonymous? Yes. I have a pickup in Cabin 3. Bring a straightjacket. Yeah, you got it. He’s a blond Italian.”

  “But Katharina’s buying it,” Walt said.

  “Only because she recognizes the diva in him.”

  Katharina bent down and bounced her forehead off the table. “Well, shit, Sly, send somebody out to get dinner, then.”

  “Oh no, Miss Minola,” Bianca said. “No food after dark. The grizzly bears, remember? They’re very vicious.”

  Vincenzo nodded. Grizzly bears? There are no grizzlies here … are there?

  Katharina turned her head and laid her cheek on the table. “Just one little … sandwich?”

  “Bears have a great sense of smell, Miss Minola,” Bianca said. “I’m sure they’ll be able to smell the bread—”

  Katharina raised a hand. “Well, can’t you send out for something else—wrapped up in plastic or something?” She raised her head and looked at Vincenzo. “All I want is a simple sandwich. I’ll even settle for bologna. A grilled cheese. Anything.”

  “The closest store is ninety miles away,” Vincenzo said.

  Pietro burst in with another armload of wood, slamming it on the floor and making Katharina shoot up off the table.

  Katharina pointed at Pietro. “Does he have to be so loud? I have a major headache. I get headaches whenever I travel and especially when I’m starving. Can’t you at least try to get me something to eat?”

  “Oh, but by the time we get there,” Vincenzo continued, “they will be closed if they are not closed already.”

  “Fonzi here should have stopped and picked up something, then,” Katharina said with more acid than usual. “Am I right?”

  Vincenzo walked over and pushed Pietro. “Why you not stop? Huh? Can you not see she is hungry? Idiota!”

  Pietro backed away. “I sorry.” He narrowed his eyes at Katharina. “I go.” He went to the door. “Ciao, bella,”he spat, and then he left.

  “Oh no, I am not having that … that sarcasm in here!” Katharina fumed. “What did he call me?”

  “He said ‘good-bye, beautiful,’ Miss Minola,” Bianca said.

  “Well, he didn’t mean it,” Katharina said. “Sarcastic jackass. I want you to fire him, Sly.”

  Vincenzo shook his head. “Oh no, Miss Katharina. I do not have the power to do that. Only Vincenzo does.”

  This is quickly becoming the theater of the absurd, Bianca thought.

  “Well,” Vincenzo said, “I must go, too. We have a busy day tomorrow. We will begin bright and early in the morning, Miss Katharina. Let us hope tomorrow will be a better day. We will fix everything. I cannot wait to begin working with you.”

  Katharina ran to and blocked the door. “You ain’t leavin’ just yet, Sly.”

  Vincenzo stopped moving. “There is something more?”

  “Is there something …” Katharina’s voice trailed to a whisper. “Can you at least tell me what this film’s about?”

  “Ah. Yes. You are a runaway American slave from Virginia who has escaped to Canada and is trying to make it on her own in the wilderness. ‘A Woman Alone,’ yes?”

  Katharina forced a smile. “Okay. An action-adventure. Good. It’s about time I did one of those. Who else is in this picture?”

  Vincenzo smiled broadly. “Just you, Miss Katharina. Just you.”

  Katharina blinked. “No, really. Who else is in this picture?”

  Vincenzo winked. “Just you.” He turned to Bianca. “Ciao, bella,” he said, and then he slipped by Katharina and left, shutting the door behind him.

  Bianca’s heart fluttered a little. Vince
nzo meant that. That was nice. I don’t look or feel beautiful, though. Vincenzo is … sweet, and not just because he hooked me up with some food. Though I don’t know how long I can look at him in that dreadful wig.

  Katharina buried her head in her hands and bounced her shoulders against the door. “What in the hell did I get myself into? I’m it? I’ll be the only one? I’m not only supposed to carry this movie, I am the movie.”

  Bianca cleared her throat. “I’ve never heard of such a thing before, Miss Minola.”

  Katharina waved a hand and went to the table, sitting and letting her hands hang loosely at her sides. “It’s been done. Tom Hanks was alone in that movie where he talks to a basketball.”

  “Oh yeah.” But it was a volleyball, you out-of-touch wench. “You’re right, Miss Minola. But he wasn’t completely alone the entire picture, was he?”

  “That’s beside the point.” She sighed. “What am I supposed to think? That this is the role of a lifetime or something?”

  Yes, you cow! Bianca’s stomach growled. When the mean witch goes to her dungeon, little tummy, we’ll go eat raisins and granola, okay?

  “Damn. I shouldn’t have said ‘role,’ “Katharina said. “I am so hungry!”

  It’s spelled differently, you dyslexic cow! “It is getting warmer in here, Miss Minola.” I can finally feel my toes.

  “It’s because I’m steamed, that’s why,” Katharina said.

  Keep it up, Katha-diva, and we won’t miss the humidifier. “Um, Miss Minola, I’ll get your bed ready for you.”

  Bianca opened the door to the right of the bathroom and saw a queen-sized bed, a dresser, and a nightstand.

  Katharina trailed behind and stopped in the doorway. “They expect me to sleep in here? It’s half the size of my shoe closet! What about the other bedroom?”

  Think fast, Bianca! “Um, this bedroom is closer to the fire and the bathroom than the other one, so it will be much warmer.” Eventually.

  Katharina bounced on the bed, sighing and yawning. “Sturdy old thing. Probably made out of petrified wood.”

  Bianca pulled back the covers and fluffed the pillows. “Will there be anything else, Miss Minola?”

  “You have anything on you to eat? And I mean anything. Maybe in that backpack of yours. A mint. A cookie. A piece of gum. Some peanuts from the plane?”