The Thackery T Lambshead Pocket Guide To Eccentric & Discredited Diseases

by Unknown

  The possibility that the disease is the ultimate source of the human aesthetic impulse, and that all unafflicted artists are merely trying to compensate for their internal inadequacies, cannot be entirely discounted, although it does seem rather remote.

  Submitted by

  DR. B. M. STABLEFORD, B.A., D.PHIL., F.R.S.B.F.

  Cross References

  Diseasemaker’s Croup; Logopetria

  FIGURATIVE SYNESTHESIA7

  Country of Origin

  United States

  First Known Case

  First and only known case diagnosed in 1977. The patient was Bernard Quigley (1956 to 1999), an out-of-work handyman who resided in Shell Pile, New Jersey.

  Symptoms

  This exceedingly rare affliction is an anomalous sub-category of the already uncommon Synesthesia: a neuro-perceptual condition originating in the hippocampus, part of the ancient limbic system, where remembered or imagined perceptions triggered in diverse geographical regions of the brain as the result of external stimuli come together and, due to some unknown neurological mishap, fail to be filtered, resulting in the mixing of sensoric memory along with perceived experience, and leading to the transposition of appropriate senses in correspondence with a given sensory organ. As a result, the sufferer will, for example, smell color, hear tastes, see sounds, tactily feel aromas. A patient with the “common” type of the disease (only about nine in 1,000,000), may experience a piece of guitar music as the sight of golden droplets falling out of thin air or hear the color turquoise as a vague murmuring, but, although a very real experience for the individual, the phenomena perceived will always remain in the realm of the abstract. What is truly unique about Figurative Synesthesia is that the synesthetic experience becomes defined as something readily identifiable.

  History

  In the one known case of Figurative Synesthesia, as reported by Dr. Samuel Arbegast, the patient, Bernard Quigley, upon tasting licorice, perceived before him, in definite shape and solidity, an exact double of himself. The hallmarks that distinguished this phenomenon from psychotic hallucination were its reliance upon the ingestion of a certain mundane substance and the report by the patient of the accompanying noetic (a term borrowed from William James’ Varieties of Religious Experience) sensation; a feeling of “rightness” or “epiphany” that coincides with the usual synesthetic experience. Quigley did not taste licorice until rather late in his teens, and, when he did, he thought he was being visited by a doppelganger. The history of his ailment was written up by Arbegast, his physician, in the now famous, The Case of the Licorice Twin. It seems that the young man eventually understood that the ingestion of the confection could call forth the figure. He reported that upon encountering his double, he would see the figure performing some everyday task, as if he, himself, were spying on a precise moment of a fully realized life that was happening elsewhere. One day, in his thirty-first year, Quigley discovered that his synesthetic twin was, at the same moment, eating licorice, and was, amazingly, also aware of him. They had a brief conversation and made plans to both initiate the experience at a set time and place. Many meetings and conversations followed. Whereas Quigley’s life was a disaster, beset by poverty as a result of a lethargic nature, his twin was exceedingly wealthy and motivated—a rich shipping magnate in his own reality. Due to an obsession to always be in the company of his successful, synesthetic self, the patient consumed excessive quantities of licorice, well known for increasing blood pressure, and eventually suffered a fatal stroke due to critical hypertension.

  Dr. Arbegast, widely read in anomalous diseases, deserves praise from the medical community for having had the knowledge to appropriately diagnose this disease. Had he been a less well-informed physician, his patient would probably have been committed to an institution for the insane. It is his belief that many instances of the visitation of spirits and phantasms could be explained as undiagnosed cases of Figurative Synesthesia.

  Cures

  No definitive cure. Dr. Arbegast posits a theoretical cure might be to request of the synesthetic double, while in the state of shared recognition, that it commit suicide, seeing as it is merely a phantasmic projection. Barring this, the patient might have been prevailed upon to abstain from consuming licorice.

  Submitted by

  DR. JEFFREY FORD

  Cross References

  Diseasemaker’s Croup; Logopetria; Monochromitis

  Stiff 1 by Dawn Andrews

  FLORA METAMORPHOSIS SYNDROME

  Country of Origin

  Greece

  First Known Case

  The sisters of Phaethon: Phaethusa, Lampetie, etc.

  Symptoms

  Spells of uncontrolled and sometimes painful blinking or other cranial or facial actions. Loss of taste on the tongue; sense of taste transferred to toes. A high florigen level in the blood. Initial difficulty speaking, followed by total paralysis of this function. Paralysis of the limbs. Rapid mitosis of newly formed meristems. Development of lenticals.

  History

  That the disease is of extremely antique origin is quite obvious, mention being made of it by numerous classical authors, in both the Greek and Latin languages. The wonderful poet Bion, in his masterpiece On Amphibious Rabbits and Other Odd Specimens, describes in deliciously explicit detail what most certainly is the 165-pound titan arum, that putrid-smelling colossus of the plant kingdom. He then goes on to enumerate the stories of no less than six maidens who, to his certain knowledge, upon inhaling the exotically awful perfume of the huge and phallic flower, were struck with the (above mentioned) most horrific symptoms. Rustilius, in his Sprightly Flora of Africa, tells us of one young woman by the name of Semele who “could no longer move because she found her feet so fastened to the ground, her toes turned deep into the soil, as there to take her water and food.” Silius Italicus, whose words should always be trusted, tells us of “a youth easy to love, that came to be with aromatic foliage, an evergreen shrub, and his leaves we did then use for flavoring our cheesecake.” One of the more dramatic recounts, however, comes from Pausanaius, in a group of badly damaged pages recently discovered in the Biblioteca Ambrosiana, in Milan, the pages obviously being a number of those previously lost from his Description of Greece. He tells us: “From Helikon I went to the Grove of Orpheus, with the bubbling water of Aganippe on my left. My guide, always eager for an extra coin, said he would show me something curious for a consideration. He led me . . . dense foliage . . . the youth’s beauty was in no way less for the greenish hue of his skin, and from his neck protruded a number of xanthic calyxes, forming the outer support for a sort of ruff of pink hued petals, each marbled with a network of attractive blue veins. We spoke some words . . . the grove consisted of, it was said, nearly half the sons of the village, their forms most handsome to gaze upon . . . the culprit being a giant bloom that they worshipped as twice-born Baccus . . . requisite for the man who holds the office of priest to have never experienced the joys of more than one . . . and there are three bronzes of the Thracian women that they say Pheidias made.”

  In modern times, the disease has struck on numerous occasions. One of the most incredible, and by far the best documented, is the case of Dr. Benito Olivares, that great Brazilian naturalist whose final documents were published in the Giornale Illustrato dei Viaggi e delle Avventure di Terra e di Mare, Anno XXXIII.—N. 26. July, 1917, from which the following dramatic excerpts were taken. Regarding the external appearance of his discovery, the Olivaria vigilans: “. . . it was a shrub high as a normal man . . . Its branches, which were of a pink, fleshy color . . . looked like . . . yes . . . they looked like human limbs deprived of the epidermis. From its summit, a subtle white hair formed by thin and resistant filaments, similar to corn-silk, fell over the whole of the plant. It did not have flowers, if by flowers we mean variously colored calyxes or a corolla, yet, ranged along its branches were a number of small, oval-shaped shields that bore on them the designs of . . . two eyes, yes, not more nor less than
two eyes . . .” Regarding his self-diagnosis: “A horrible battle raged in my blood . . . numerous foreign . . . globules, colored intensely green, that moved rapidly over the others, as if to overwhelm and destroy them . . . It was a vegetable lymph that was insinuating itself little by little in my veins, substituting itself for the vivifying red fluid.” And the final terrible realization: “. . . once I took off the gloves I saw the hands of a paralytic. The hands! . . . No, those were not hands that I saw . . . no! . . . Dio Santo! . . . those were leaves . . . fleshy leaves, similar to those of the Indian fig, two large green leaves attached to a repugnant looking trunk, like a human arm without the epidermis; . . . and . . . a horrifying vision—over those two short, shapeless and fleshy masses stood out, sinister and terrible, the same eyes that I had seen on the other . . .”

  Cures

  Though there is no known cure, there are many substances that retard symptoms, including fludioxonil, mancozeb, and triadimefon. The victim should be kept in a low humidity environment, avoid water late in the day, and if possible be treated with electro stimulation using a low-voltage current of 200 cycles per minute for an average duration of 10 to 20 minutes. It is likely that the use of embryonic cells of the shark to help the body regenerate its own neural pathways will go a long way toward producing an absolute cure, but the technology at this point is still in its infancy.

  Submitted by

  DR. BRENDAN CONNELL

  Cross References

  Clear Rice Sickness; Diseasemaker’s Croup; Fruiting Body Syndrome

  FRUITING BODY SYNDROME

  Fructification

  Country of Origin

  Unknown (location of first confirmed case: United Kingdom, in the harbor town of Portsmouth, January 2002)

  First Confirmed Case

  Ashleigh Anne-Francis, a shelf stacker in a Portsmouth supermarket. All indications point to the illness being brought into the United Kingdom with a shipment of imported fruit. It appears likely that there must have been many other cases worldwide, in such fruit-growing places as South Africa, the Dominican Republic, and Siberia. However, extensive research has failed to uncover any trace of the disease abroad, and so the unfortunate Anne-Francis retains the dubious distinction of being not only the first, but the only recorded victim.

  There is some evidence—although none of it reliably recorded—that Anne-Francis was bitten by a spider not indigenous to the United Kingdom. She had a swelling on her hand several weeks before the first symptoms appeared, although the bite was not painful enough to lead her to seek medical attention, and she was “cagey” about its origin. It is likely that the offending arachnid escaped. Cross-species mating in spiders is not unheard of, and this entry should therefore be construed as a warning. (For a similar condition, ostensibly transmitted via infected duck-billed platypi, see the entry under Root-Crop Elbow in Doctor Buckhead Mudthumper’s Encyclopedia of Forgotten Oriental Diseases).

  Although the work of noted sixteenth-century artist Giuseppe Arcimboldo gives rise to the suspicion that this is not an entirely new disease—his portraits of people in fruit and vegetable states could be satirical artistic statements, or serious medical studies of real patients—there is no reliable proof either way. These oil paintings should therefore be disregarded as evidence in any serious discussion of this condition.

  Symptoms

  The victim first notes areas of heavy bruising. The skin across these areas becomes loose and the flesh soft and gelatinous, and a sickly-sweet odor permeates the air. The victim starts to “glow” as ripening sets in.

  The first areas of the body to alter fully are the eyeballs. They darken, become slightly softer, and take on the purplish glaze of ripe “Lucifer’s Gonad” plums. The nipples will sprout fine hairs and grow a khaki, kiwi-fruit skin.

  From here, the spread of the disease is rapid and unstoppable. A clutch of grapes appears between the victim’s buttocks—of the “Black Hamburgh” variety, moist soil, large berries, vigorous growth—and the flesh around the hips and stomach bubbles into beds of strawberries and/or “Phenomenal” loganberries. The throat of the victim withers and separates into component strands—esophagus, carotid artery, etc.—and these in turn petrify and sprout various fruits, such as raspberries, tomatoes, and “Dangling Dread” blackberries.

  History

  The history of this disease is the story of Ashleigh Anne-Francis. Stricken as she was with her condition, and driven increasingly insane by the gradual incursion of melon flesh into her brainpan, still she fought bravely on for the few days it took her to fully fruitify. (A play has been written by the Portsmouth Youth Theatre in tribute: Take A Bite Peach plays from April through September. Contains graphic sex and nudity. Adults only.)

  She had several sexual partners over the last week of her life. Only two of them have come forward to talk confidentially to this doctor:

  Partner #1 met Anne-Francis just as the initial transformations reached full ripeness. He states that during oral sex she insisted that he “bite and drink deep.” Their liaison lasted for little more than an hour, and he has not contracted a common cold since.

  Partner #2 was Anne-Francis’ final sexual partner before she died. Whilst maintaining that he did not notice anything out of the ordinary—he believed the fruits in her armpits, across her breasts, stomach, and around her buttocks to be “some new type of tattoo,” or “weird piercings”—he does admit that he found the whole experience “very sweet.”

  Testing of blood, urine, and sperm samples from both men shows nothing out of the ordinary.

  Treatment and Cures

  How does one treat such an outlandish disease? Anne-Francis’s blood, by the time proper samples were taken, had changed into something most resembling Summer-Fruit Juice (with bits). No infection was found, either bacterial or viral. Results of genetic testing proved astounding in that it displayed such unusual (and unexpected) characteristics. The genetic fingerprint of Anne-Frances at the time of her death was most akin to that of the starfish Coscinasterias tenuispina, a creature part way between fruit and animal, and rather than defective it was “merely extraordinary.” (refer also to Pogonophora, Echinodermata and Tardigrada: Man and the Creatures of the Deep, by Dr. Hilary Svenson, London University Press).

  How these traits found their way into a species of arachnid is entirely open to conjecture.

  Until more cases appear, it is impossible to formalize treatment or a cure for this dreadful condition. However, should one encounter such a case, the victim can be made as comfortable as possible by gentle refrigeration. Over-ripe and rotting fruits should be carefully removed. This, however, will only delay the inevitable.

  Submitted by

  DR. T. LEBBON

  Cross References

  Diseasemaker’s Croup: Flora Metamorphosis Syndrome; Pentzler’s Lubriciousness

  FUNGAL DISENCHANTMENT

  Fungal Melancholia

  Country of Origin

  Unknown

  First Known Case

  Believed to have inhaled the airborne spoors that cause the condition, Bubba Suggs, a Tennessee farmer, was the first and only case brought directly to the attention of this physician:

  He was always prone to fits and spells (his wife, Una Mae, recounted), but one winter day, after the bank threatened us with foreclosure, he fell into a deep funk, abandoned all his work—even lost interest in the hogs—and retired to the bam with a jug and a length of barbed wire. After six days, I found he had wired himself to a post in the cow pond. He looked none the worse for it, so I went back to my canning. When by spring he had still not come home, I sent my boy, Dick Richard, to fetch him back. He returned to say his daddy was nothing but a ragged skeleton hanging from that post. I could not dissuade him from calling the pair of medics. These two fellows arrived and set out to rescue my poor husband. When they paddled back from the middle of the pond, they said it was all a big mistake—there was nothing wired to that post but a bunch of old sticks and leaves.


  Symptoms

  The case of Bubba Suggs does not show the full range of possible symptoms associated with this disease, but since he is the only subject known directly to this physician, and given the lack of assistance I’ve received from a medical community that categorically rejects the existence of Fungal Disenchantment, all other symptomatology has been derived solely from hearsay, rumor, and speculation.

  Dr. Clark’s rendering of the effects of Fungal Disenchantment

  In the early stages of the disease, the subject experiences severe alienation, feels a loss of control of both work and home environments, and a disconnect from society in general. Subject may display such antisocial behavior as poor hygiene and exhibitionism. Other behavioral problems believed to be associated are road rage, audible flatulence, nose picking, conversational tyranny, cruelty to animals, and many other forms of belligerence. Extreme behavior such as spree killing, serial rape, and/or murder may follow. Indeed, it is believed by this physician that the root of all spree and serial violence, if not all of society’s problems in general, will eventually be traced to Fungal Disenchantment. In the late stages of the disease, the subject experiences increased distrust of body and mind, and retreats from the world entirely. Depending on personality, the subject may self-destruct by overindulgence in alcohol, drugs, food, sex, emotional escalation, or by any number of methods of self neglect. Eventually, some may enter into situations of such squalor that those who love them abandon them in disgust. Others just wander off, like a sick and dying animal, to lie alone in the forest. There they remain until the forest claims them. Somehow, before death and disintegration of the corpse, a representation of the individual is created—whether by the individual or other sources is unknown—from sticks, leaves, and other debris. This representation is left at the site of the subject’s final demise. Examination of these fairly common “dead wood” sites has aided in the description of the disease rendered here. The timelines for these symptoms vary dramatically from subject to subject. Some experience a swift progression that can take as little as six days; others spend a lifetime of torment before their ultimate demise.