The Thackery T Lambshead Pocket Guide To Eccentric & Discredited Diseases

by Unknown

  Until September 12, Graansvort’s colleagues did not know he had contracted a disease, except for a certain irritability that they put down to the rash he contracted somewhere between Tian Shan and their return to base camp.

  At dusk, gathered around a fire, the five linguists, along with their guides, were caught unawares by Graansvort’s approach in his final manifestation.

  Because so much about Tian Shan-Gobi Assimilation remains unknown, it is germane to include herein an excerpt from the extraordinary journal of Nicholas Singer, one of Graansvort’s colleagues. (1) In this entry, one of his last, Singer describes the final hours of Graansvort’s prolonged death.

  [Graansvort] had been missing for at least half the day. We first saw him again standing on a hill close to camp, staring down at us. We called out to him but he did not respond. After several minutes, he closed the distance between us with alarming speed. He did not move like a human being. He was clearly not human anymore. A light shone from his eyes, and it was green and everlasting. We could not escape it, even as our guides shot at him. We struck at him with the knives we had meant to use to cut the meat cooking in the pot on the fire. Bullets passed through him and were gone, so that in the flicker of a smile that still clung to his lips, I could see the grim humor of the old Graansvort inside of him. Only then did I really identify him as my former friend and colleague.

  He darted and flitted from side to side, the fading sunlight seeming to leak through him, red and thick—no, it did leak through him. Wherever he stepped, golden swirls of spore-like dust rose to fade into glitter. While we grunted and cursed in our efforts—I cannot begin to describe the fear we felt; it transformed us—the thing that had been our colleague made no sound, seemed to exert no effort. But we continued to hack at him with our crude blades and, as the sun faded, so did he, so that once or twice now we caught him, only to see him smile as flesh sloughed off to no effect. He left no blood. He did not wince. He did not acknowledge our efforts in any way. Breathing heavily, my hands on my hips, I stepped back for a moment and watched them try to kill him.

  Graansvort was magnificent. I have never seen him more alive than as we systematically cornered him and murdered him. His arms, his legs, were in constant motion. He seemed more amused by our efforts than anything else. The pores of his skin were mushroom gray. His flesh was black and accordioned on the inside, like the underside of a mushroom cap. His clothes came off of his flesh but did not separate from that flesh. He was too alien for us to comprehend. We were all convinced that he would kill us if we did not kill him first.

  Finally, one of the guides caught Graansvort with a blow to the back of his left leg that cut out a huge wedge of flesh. It did not affect Graansvort’s balance, but he turned to face our onslaught with more and more difficulty. Although the expression on his face did not alter, he seemed suddenly sad.

  It was I that snuck up behind him and finished the job, leaving Graansvort to hop on one leg as a purple fleshy ooze seeped from the remaining stump. I wanted him dead. I would have ripped his throat out with my teeth, so beautiful was he, so fey, so distant and so removed from who we were and what we were doing to him. Did he weep as we tore him to pieces? Did he make any human sound to stop us? No. All he could do is stare up at the stars as if they were but an extension of his eyes. His arms were pulled off and cut at and peeled away. His right leg was next. We hacked his torso into tiny pieces until he was only a head attached to a sorry wreckage of neck. And still he smiled. And still he lived. And still we wanted to kill him. We were screaming now. If we could not be freed from this condition that was driving us mad, then we would continue to kill him until he stayed dead. The smile went next, as Susan destroyed the lower half of his gray pouting face with a rock.

  Then there were just the eyes—staring at us, telling us in our horror, in our panic, that our efforts meant nothing.

  Graansvort did not give us the time to take his eyes. Instead, he blinked twice, appeared to concentrate—and what was left of him turned moon-white, and as the last light left us, and the desert wind picked up, and the place was suddenly cold again . . . his head seemed to turn to ash, and waft away on the breeze, in trickles and gasps, so that the impression of his face remained upon the ground for some time. By the morning, every trace of him had faded into nothing. Nothing at all. I swear to God, there was nothing left of him but some dust, some residue on our knives.

  If not for the state of exhaustion we had slipped into, the grime and blood upon us, we would have thought it had been a nightmare.

  A subsequent biopsy/autopsy on Nicholas Singer has led to two theories regarding Tian Shan-Gobi Assimilation. Dr. Nafir Rasghan has postulated in his paper “The Next Wave of Bio-chemical Weapons,” that the Russians “have developed a fungal biological weapon as part of their war against the breakaway Chechyen Republic.” (2) Other experts, such as Dr. Alan M. Clark (a man of admittedly dubious standing in the medical community), believe that the situation was created by a near-unique exposure to multiple types of fungi during a short time period. However, this theory is unlikely, given the presence of several fungi types not known to exist in Asia.

  The history of fungal interaction with human life is a long and complex one, filled with a wealth of episodes in which fungus has been as helpful as it has been harmful. However, prior to 1995, there are few hints in any medical accounts of a symbiosis in which multiple types of fungi coincided to produce a single effect. Certainly, the recent discovery that fungi are closer to animals than to plants suggests that we do not know enough about “the third kingdom” to rule out the existence of a hybrid strain capable of controlling a human body.

  Biopsy/Autopsy Results

  Chinese Red Army medical experts, with permission from the local Mongolian government, quarantined the remaining members of the expedition, along with their guides. Tests on Singer soon uncovered that he had begun a transformation similar to Graansvort’s. Before Singer’s disintegration, Chinese doctors performed several biopsy/autopsies. I call them “biopsy/autopsies” because Singer was still alive during the exploration, in restraints, but his tissue was dead, or change in its cellular structure.

  The Singer results illuminate the progression of Gransvoort’s own assimilation. (3) According to these results, Graansvort’s ears might have been assimilated as early as mid-August, during the expedition’s stay in Krasnoyarsk. A hybrid version of the mushroom Auricularia auricular-judae, which has a soft and elastic consistency, much like an ear, replaced Singer’s ears within a month of his quarantine. More importantly, the fungus had sent filaments deep into Singer’s head. In an amazing display of mimicry, the fungus replicated much of the musculature and tiny bones that allow a human being to hear. Therefore, Graansvort probably could still hear at the time of the final assimilation. He could still hear throughout the time he accompanied his colleagues into China and back into Mongolia. The question, of course, which remains unanswered, is: What was he hearing? And how was he processing the information?

  Further para- and post-mortem examination of Singer revealed that Graansvoort’s “rash” must have consisted of a hybrid version of Pulcherricium caeruleum, a fungus that usually manifests as a thin crust over the bark of trees. In buildings, a similar fungus is often responsible for considerable damage to floorboards and walls. The fungus insinuates itself so deeply into the wood that, in the final stages of colonization, the wood disintegrates. Singer’s dermis, para-mortem, had been assimilated by this alternate version of Pulcherricium caeruleum, to the extent that his internal organs had formed unusual associations with the invader. There is also evidence that Singer’s eyes had been assimilated; the medical team found residue of a Langermannia giganlea (or “puff ball”) fungus. This would be consistent with the growing season for puff ball fungi—summer to autumn—although this type of fungi is rarely found in the Far East.

  Symptoms

  Because victims of this disease do not believe that they have a disease, diagnosis is difficul
t. Based on Singer’s journal, biopsy/autopsy results, and the physical evidence, we can conclude that a patient with this disease would show a sudden thickening and discoloration of the skin. The ears might or might not appear different than before; certainly an examination of the interior of the ear might not reveal anything questionable. The examining physician could not be faulted for such a mistake, given the apparent mimicry. The pupils of the eyes might appear greener than before. The moons of the fingernails might or might not begin to turn greenish in hue. There might or might not be a black stippling effect at the joints and on the bottoms of the feet. The assimilation appears to occur in such a way as to attempt to hide its appearance.

  Before he died, Singer indicated in his journal that

  We might be able to determine—to tell—to understand—to interpret—to intuit—to grok—who has this condition—this disease—this malignancy—this blessing—this curse—this lesion—this communication—this antenna—this flesh through—between—underneath—over—into—linguistics—linguistic tricks—semiotics—semiotext—semantics—syntax—style—aural preachings—mantras—songs—speech—talking—light of reason—stunning reconnection of the senses—babylon—zamilon—green towers—false powers—moth—butterfly—river—cocoon—potential—fungus—gone—here—arrived . . .

  and so on for another three pages. Clearly, toward the end, a writing sample from the patient might prove useful in reaching a correct diagnosis.

  My own theories include the somewhat controversial suggestion that Singer and his companions were coerced by spore-enabled, wind-carried hallucinogens to kill Graansvort, as this might be the only way for the organism to replicate itself: by having others disassemble it after assimilation is complete. Therefore, the acute fear, the paranoia, the bloodlust exhibited by Singer and his colleagues might have been induced by Graansvort itself. This supposition, however, is not useful in establishing a methodology for diagnosis.

  Cures

  Early detection would appear to be the only hope for a cure, and yet early detection is seemingly impossible. Should an outbreak occur, it might be possible to quarantine those unaffected or to identify the beginning of symptoms. If, however, the assimilation continues to present in single cases, the outlook is dim.

  The only real way to detect the disease is an invasive biopsy, culling tissue samples from the ears, the eyes, and the torso. However, if the disease’s pathology, its controlling agent, includes dulling the victim’s own suspicions until assimilation is complete, then, again, any action taken would occur at too late a stage to be of any use.

  Further investigation of Tian-Shan Gobi Assimilation has been complicated by the disappearance of all members of the expedition and their guides. Released by Chinese authorities after a year of quarantine, none of them reached their final destinations, vanishing, as they say, “without a trace.” Despite official denials, the Chinese government’s complicity cannot be ruled out.

  Submitted by

  DR. JEFFREY S. VANDERMEER, M.D., PH.D., AND PRESIDENT OF THE NORTH AMERICAN CHAPTER OF THE MYCOLOGICAL EARLY ALERT ASSOCIATION

  Endnotes

  (1) All excerpts from the as-yet unpublished first edition of Doctor Buckhead Mudthumper, Jr.’s Encyclopedia of More Recent Oriental Diseases.

  (2) Jane’s ChemBio Web, http://chembio.janes.com, posted September 12, 2002.

  (3) Although the Chinese government has suppressed most of the documentation gathered by their medical experts, some sections of the reports have been obtained by Western journalists.

  Cross References

  Diseasemaker’s Croup; Fungal Disenchantment; Printer’s Evil; Third Eye Infection

  TURBOT’S SYNDROME

  McGlumphy’s Migratory Eruptions, Drifter’s Lament, Pornstaller’s Meanders

  Country of Origin

  Spontaneous occurrences wherever refugees and the homeless are gathered

  First Known Case

  Mythological references to this disease can be found in various sources, such as Homer’s Odyssey, where one of Odysseus’ companions is said to suffer from “nether parts emergent/from innocent joints . . .” and in the oral tradition of the Romany, the Irish Tinkers, the Bedouins, and other transient tribes. But the first scientifically documented cases hark only to the early Twentieth Century. During the great population upheavals associated with the First World War, a British military doctor named Peavy McGlumphy, assigned to the Middle East, discovered sufferers from the disease that came to bear his name in the Ottoman Empire, among Kurdish tribesmen displaced by violence. Later incidents in the United States among hoboes during the Depression were catalogued by Dr. Chick Pornstaller, hence the alternate appellation for the ailment. (See Doctor Buckhead Mudthumpher’s Encyclopedia of Forgotten Oriental Diseases for instances of Turbot’s Syndrome possibly encountered by Marco Polo in his travels.)

  Symptoms

  Turbot’s Syndrome is unique among diseases in that the visible changes wrought in the sufferer are drastic, dramatic, and diverse, yet generally without life-threatening consequences. (This positive prognosis discounts the opprobrium and ostracism and physical beatings incurred by many victims from unfeeling fellow citizens.) In a few simple words, a patient infected with Turbot’s Syndrome exhibits wandering features and organs. (The actual agent of infection has never been identified; psychosomatic origins related to stress are suspected, along with the possibility of unknown prions found on steam grates, in railroad cars, and in haylofts.) For instance, eyes might migrate to the back of the head, nose might drift to the chest, genitals shift to the armpits, toes climb to the forehead, heart occupy the abdomen, or anus swap with navel. These transformations generally occur over a longish period of time, allowing the sufferer to make relevant adjustments. The iconic similarity to the turbot and other flatfish, who wear their two eyes closely adjacent on the same side of their head, is obvious.

  History

  Certainly the typical man, woman, or child under the baneful influence of Pornstaller’s Meanders will experience varying levels of sympathy from unafflicted peers in direct ratio to the absurdity, scatology, or eroticism of his complaint. (Vide McGlumphy’s Formula:

  S = E/WOF(X) + C

  Where:

  S = Sympathy of Witness

  E = Empathy of Witness

  WOF = Wandering Organ or Feature

  X = Risquéness of New Location

  C = Consanguinity of Witness to Victim

  McGlumphy’s Master Chart assigns varying numerical values to WOF and X that have proven remarkably consistent across cultures and decades.) With invisible alterations, the sufferer can often lead a near-normal life, sometimes even finding his or her existence enhanced (see the case study involving Lovelace, Linda). But in most cases, the assault of Drifter’s Lament renders the hapless human an object of derision and shame, interfering of course with possible resettlement and hence any hope of cure. (Many so-called agoraphobics are really fully housed but unrecovered Turbot’s Syndrome victims.)

  Cures

  Establishing the rootless victim in secure housing has sometimes prompted spontaneous remission; other times even years of residence in a solid community, including membership in various civic organizations, has not been enough to restore the sufferer to textbook norms. Oftentimes the victims are reluctant to seek medical help, out of embarrassment. Consequently, palliative measures, tests, and prosthetics are generally lacking: for instance, various diapers conforming to alternate portions of the human anatomy are not available off the shelf, but must be contrived on an ad hoc basis.

  Submitted by

  DR. PAOLO G. DI FILIPPO

  Cross Reference

  Diseasemaker’s Croup

  TWENTIETH CENTURY CHRONOSHOCK

  Geographical Origin

  Christendom

  Basic Symptoms

  The mother and uncle of all rashes

  First Recorded Case

  Maxim Arturovitch Pyatnitski, born January, 1,1900, inventor
, adventurer and dazzlingly vainglorious antihero (1)

  Symptoms

  It is still unknown whether centuries other than the twentieth have their own Chronoshocks. The rash can be slightly alleviated by directing searchlight beams across it. That is true of many Twentieth Century Shocks. In a similar manner, Twentieth Century Ranks can be reduced by the beating of large gongs and the opening of windows.

  The condition of being allergic to the twentieth century was always going to cure itself in time. I knew that, and so did you, but now it seems that certain members of our profession made matters worse for a minority of victims by meddling with artificial remedies. The truth has only been revealed with the dawn of this new century, the twenty-first, and the immediate recovery of all those who previously suffered the disadvantages of the chronic malady. Regarding these patients: because they no longer exist in the twentieth century, there is no longer anything in their environment to provoke an allergic reaction. They can (and have been) released from quarantine without any ill effects. And so the sealed castles, with their banqueting halls, lutes, jesters, and endless jousting contests (any one of which might prove as fatal as the Chronoshock) can finally be closed down and sold off to private bidders, raising funds for new equipment and nurses’ uniforms.