For Always

by Danielle Sibarium

  Thunder and lightning continued to crack and rumble, the sky promised to open at any moment. Still, I didn’t budge. I didn’t notice the birds flying overhead squawking, searching for shelter, or the few stragglers walking on the boardwalk. I knew nothing but my pain.

  Shadows covered me. I sensed an odd presence and looked up. I felt the blood drain from my head. I lost my breath and my voice all at once. I cursed my eyes for being so cruel and playing such terrible tricks on me.

  “Stephanie.”

  I cried harder.

  “Stephanie,” Again, his voice . . . filled with tenderness and compassion; eyes ripe with concern. He extended his hand to me.

  I hesitated reaching out. Afraid he was merely an apparition conjured up in my mind. He dropped down to his knees beside me. My heart hammered hard and fast, I thought it would come through my chest.

  I threw my arms around his neck and held him tight. Tighter than ever, giving thanks he’d been spared. I buried my face in his chest, feeling the warmth of his body on my cheek. His strong arms wrapped around me and I melted against him, letting my emotions sweep over me.

  “Shh,” he whispered softly, one hand behind my back; the other under my hair, rubbing my neck.

  “You’re alive!” I pulled my head back and looked into his beautiful, black eyes. “I love you. I love you so much, Jordan.” Tears streamed steadily down my face.

  “I know.” He kissed my forehead in an attempt to soothe me. “I’m here.” He placed one hand on my cheek gently wiping away the tears with his thumb. “I’m not going anywhere.

  I kissed his cheek. I kissed it again, and again, and again, unable to fight the sudden compulsion driving me. His arms crushed me tight against his body. I continued to kiss him until his lips searched for mine in return, leading up to the moment when finally we shared the all-consuming eternal kiss I’d waited my entire life for.

  Jordan sat back in the sand, pulled me on his lap and rested his forehead against mine breathless. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded, sobbing harder - unable for the moment to speak.

  He tenderly brushed a few loose strands of hair from my eyes, “Everything’s going to be all right, Stephanie. I’m here.”

  Thirty-Eight

  We sat quietly for a while, finding a quiet contentment in each other’s embrace. Jordan’s arms circled my waist, keeping me close, keeping me warm. Every once in a while, he picked up his head and kissed me atop of mine.

  “I know something happened.” he whispered. “Do you want to talk about it?” He asked with a hint of caution in his voice.

  I didn’t stop to think. An agonizing groan escaped me. I didn’t know if the words could pass my lips. “My mother had . . . she had a heart attack.”

  “Oh, Stephanie.” He let out a long deep sigh.

  He leaned in close and spoke softly, offering his condolences.

  “I don’t know what I’ll do,” I sighed unable to finish the thought.

  He cut me off placing a finger over my lips. “She’s going to be okay.” He spoke as if he knew this was a certainty, and I wondered since he cheated death, if perhaps he did know something I didn’t.

  “I’m scared,” I confessed, afraid to meet his eyes.

  “Of course you are. But it’s going to be okay.”

  “If she doesn’t make it,” my voice cracked, “I’m going to be alone.”

  “You’ll never be alone. I promise.”

  “You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.”

  “This is one promise I can keep. I love you, Stephanie.”

  He kissed away the tears on my face until he reached my lips and once again engaged me in a breathtaking kiss, full of longing and need, and far better than any fantasy I could conjure up.

  I pulled back breathing heavy. “How did you know where to find me?”

  He looked into my eyes and stared a long moment before he spoke, the corner of his mouth turning up into a half smile, “I didn’t. I came here because this was where we shared our last good memories. Where else would I go?”

  A thought flashed through my mind and I hit his chest. “Why the hell didn’t you answer your phone? Everyone thinks you’re dead.”

  A sheepish look crossed his face, “I forgot to turn it back on.”

  “Jordan!” I scolded.

  I felt him stiffen and shift his weight away. “Do you know how close I came to getting on? I walked through the tunnel, about to step onto the plane, but I couldn’t. I changed my mind, at the last second because of you. You saved my life.”

  I shook my head in disagreement. “No. I almost caused you to lose it.”

  “Trust me, Stephanie,” he said in a no nonsense way. “I left there for you. I knew I had to make things right between us. But I didn’t know how, so I drove around, not knowing where I was going. I didn’t even have the radio on. I heard about the crash minutes before I got here, when I called my mother to tell her I changed my mind.”

  “Omigod! She must be so relieved.”

  He nodded. An ironic laugh escaped him. “All these years, I thought it would be me saving you from the evils of the world.” He shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what was happening. “And you’re the one to save me.”

  I shook my head and shivered.

  “Do you remember, a long time ago, you told me you were cursed? That bad things happen to people you love?”

  I nodded.

  “I have a new theory. What if the bad things happen later than they’re meant to, because you inspire people to fight beyond their natural time?”

  “What?” I wasn’t following.

  “Your grandmother died holding you right?”

  I nodded.

  “What if that’s because she fought to stay alive just to see you?”

  I looked away.

  “And what if your father never realized he had a heart condition because looking at you, hearing your laughter took all the pain away?”

  I looked out into the water, finding it hard to swallow.

  Jordan placed his hand on the side of my face, rubbing my cheek with his thumb until my eyes met his again.

  “And what if you saved my life, twice?”

  I shook my head, “That’s ridiculous.”

  “I should’ve died in the accident. But I fought. I fought for you.” I couldn’t ignore how he overemphasized the last word and how my pulse raced in response. “I wouldn’t let myself die without telling you I love you. You were brave enough to admit your feelings. I wasn’t.” He stroked my hair gently.

  I didn’t know what to say. I tried to take a moment to let his words sink in.

  Jordan continued. “You needed to know how many nights I lie in bed, thinking of you. Or about the times you’d tell me about your latest boyfriend, and I’d have to use every ounce of will power not to go find him and threaten him to keep away from you.”

  “Really?”

  He nodded. “And then this morning, you saved me again.”

  I blinked back tears. “I didn’t think you’d stay.”

  “Maria called last night. She didn’t tell me about your mother. Just that something terrible happened and you needed me. That didn’t change my mind.” He paused and looked away for a moment. “I planned to leave, unless you convinced me not to.”

  My voice quivered like a frightened child. “You had to know I didn’t want you to leave.”

  He took a deep breath then spoke. “You were right about everything, blaming you, keeping you at a distance, even trying to punish you. I was lost. When I came to my senses and realized how much I needed you I wasn’t sure you’d want anything to do with me.”

  “Because of the fight we had?”

  “It seems that’s all we do lately.”

  I looked down, ashamed, “I know.”

  He lifted my chin with his index finger so I would look up. He didn’t continue until my eyes locked with his.

  “I never really blamed you for Madison. I wanted to blame so
meone so it wouldn’t be my fault.”

  I could see the pain on his face, in the storminess of his eyes and tense jaw.

  He paused a moment biting his bottom lip, “I can’t tell you how much worse I felt because you were my reason to live, not her. I felt like the world’s biggest ass. I blamed myself for the accident. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the fact that I was driving, regardless of who is actually at fault. Most of all, I blamed myself for loving you. But I never blamed you.”

  I swallowed hard, “Thank you.”

  “I felt trapped, you know? I felt like I didn’t deserve you. Or happiness. Ever again.”

  “Believe me, I understand.” He knew I did.

  “I punished myself too. Drinking, indulging in pain meds to numb the pain. And I dwelled on everything that went wrong in my life.” He ran his fingers through the sand in a distracted manner. “I blamed it on my father, if he were here, if he were a decent human being . . . I’d handle it better. I don’t know. It doesn’t make much sense.” He shook his head distractedly. “I found him. He lives in Colorado. I wanted to go there, tell him how much I hate him.”

  “You wanted to lash out.”

  He nodded. “All this anger inside me bubbled up, looking for an escape, and I had none. It frightened me.” He dropped his eyes a moment before meeting mine again. “I needed you. That’s why I came on your birthday.” He took a deep breath. “And then I saw the motorcycle.”

  “Not your best moment.” I couldn’t help but turn the corners of my lips up remembering the look on his face.

  “No. Not at all. I’d do it over if I could. I mean I wouldn’t explode. I couldn’t believe how jealous I was.”

  Although I surmised it, I enjoyed hearing it. I’d been the jealous one through most of our relationship; it was nice to hear those feelings were finally reciprocated.

  “I guess I thought I’d show up on your doorstep and we could pick up where we left off. I just assumed . . . ”

  “ . . . I’d be waiting.”

  He cringed, “It sounds so bad when you say it, but I really don’t mean it that way.”

  “Yes you do. I’d been it doing since we met. Even when I dated other people, it was like they were placeholders for you. Why shouldn’t you expect me to keep waiting?”

  “Because I practically pushed you into his arms.” he looked toward the water, his face an image of anger, “I reacted irrationally. I let jealousy get the better of me. When I heard Maria’s message last night, I was sure he did something to you. And I only had myself to blame.”

  “You need to stop being so hard on yourself.” I offered a smile. “I make my own decisions, which unfortunately aren’t always the smartest, or safest for me.”

  Jordan’s penetrating eyes were fixed on mine. I couldn’t force myself to look away. He didn’t waver, or break contact, leaving me feeling more exposed than if I were sitting there stark naked.

  “He’s not good enough for you.”

  He wore a look of defiance, like a little boy with a crayon, about to color all over the walls. I couldn’t help myself from goading him, “Is it the motorcycle or his age?”

  “Both. Neither.” After an uncomfortable pause, he cleared his throat and continued. “He isn’t me.”

  I looked at him in awe.

  “When I thought of you with someone else I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t want to risk having to see you in someone else’s arms, kissing another guy. I wanted out of here. I wanted away from any reminders of Madison or you.”

  Again my teeth chattered thinking of the poor people on the plane. “So why did you change your mind?”

  “Are you serious? You called and thanked me. You said you loved me, even after everything I’d done.” His beautiful, black eyes clouded over. “I knew something terrible happened, but you made no mention of it, you were selfless and wished me happiness.” His voice cracked with emotion. “All this, when I knew you needed me. How could I leave?”

  I snickered. “Selfless? I wouldn’t exactly describe anything I’ve done lately as selfless.”

  “Come on Steph, we all make mistakes.”

  “Speaking of mistakes . . . you were right about Shawn. He gave me that bracelet just to get me to sleep with him.”

  He shook his head. “When I heard Maria’s message, not knowing for sure . . . ” he looked away. “I could’ve killed him.”

  “No need to worry. One good kick where the sun doesn’t shine, and he couldn’t hurt a fly.”

  Jordan chuckled.

  “I seriously doubt I’ll be hearing from him again.”

  “Disappointed?” He looked concerned.

  I wondered how he could be so absolutely dense.

  “My mother is stable and you’re safe. What is there to be disappointed about?”

  He moved quickly in unison with the deafening thunder. Before I knew it his hands were lost in my hair, his soft delicious lips pressed against mine. My heart fluttered. My stomach did somersaults and I hoped the feeling would never go away.

  The threatening sky opened up and the rain came pouring down on us. I held onto Jordan, afraid the rain would wash him away and I’d find I imagined the whole thing. But he was real and I was in his arms at last.

  Not even the rain could separate us as we continued to cling to each other. I found the storm apropos to our first kiss. The thunder and lightning were like our conflicting emotions, the clashing we’d recently done. The rain, purifying, cleansing . . . a new beginning.

  Kissing him was so much better than I imagined. Then again I always knew it would be.

  Thirty-Nine

  I didn’t want to let go of Jordan. Ever. After a while, and many assurances that he’d meet me back at my house we agreed to separate for a few hours. I went home to shower and change into dry clothes. He did the same. And also to let people know he was alive and well.

  As promised, Jordan rang my doorbell, ready to drive me to the hospital to see my mother. I opened the door to find a teary-eyed Maria with her arms wrapped around him, cutting off the flow of oxygen to his lungs.

  Emotionally spent from the morning, Jordan and I didn’t say much on the ride to the hospital. We said all that needed to be said earlier. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable, it rarely was with Jordan. But I could feel the anxiety he tried to stifle.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, noticing how tight his fingers were clenched around the steering wheel.

  “Just worried about you,” he said, never taking his eyes off the road, even at the red lights.

  “I’m fine.” I assured him.

  After parking the car, Jordan reached across my seat and pulled me close. I turned to face him.

  “I promise you’ll never have to go through things like this alone.”

  My eyes pooled with tears of joy. I knew he meant it. I didn’t feel alone or misunderstood. No longer did I look at myself as a misfit, longing for acceptance. I found my place; rather, my place found me.

  I wiped the lone tear running down my cheek with my finger. “I know,” I answered.

  Riding up in the elevator, I snuck a peek at my gorgeous boyfriend. How strange to say those words in my head and know they were true, and not part of a fantasy I dreamed up. I couldn’t wait to speak them aloud. Jordan’s arm came around my waist and I leaned into him, pressing against his side. We seemed to fit each other perfectly, like complimentary puzzle pieces.

  “You look happy,” Jordan whispered, looking down at me, “I don’t think you’ve ever looked more beautiful.”

  I felt myself blush. I had a feeling, I’d be doing a lot more of that in the near future.

  Stepping off the elevator and onto the floor, I led the way to my mother’s room. We stood in the doorway, flowers and puzzle books in hand, to find Mom sitting up in a reclining chair.

  Alone in the room, she had the adjustable tray in front of her, and playing cards set up for a game of solitaire. My mother looked stunned as her eyes fell on Jordan.

  I hadn�
��t burdened her with any details of the last twenty-four hours, so she had no idea Shawn and I broke up, or that I very nearly lost Jordan forever.

  “Jordan! How nice to see you,” Mom smiled.

  For a moment Jordan didn’t speak. I could see the wave of emotion wash over his face. For the first time, it occurred to me, him being in a hospital under any circumstance may not be a good idea. He recovered quickly from whatever haunted him at the moment.

  “I hope you don’t mind me coming with Stephanie. If so, I could wait downstairs,” he offered with a smile.

  “Don’t be silly,” Mom assured him.

  “You’re looking much better.”

  We all turned to the deep male voice filling the room. A dark haired doctor looking to be in his mid-fifties walked over to my mother.

  “This is Dr. Abrahms,” she introduced us. “He’s the cardiologist the hospital assigned to me.”

  “All the tests came out negative,” he addressed my mother. “Which means, it wasn’t a heart attack at all. You are absolutely fine.”

  We breathed a collective sigh of relief. The doctor continued to speak, and promised Mom she could go home tomorrow, so long as nothing changed between now and then. Doctor Abrams asked Jordan and me, to step out into the hall while he examined her. Once he drew the curtain for privacy, I turned to Jordan and thanked him again for coming.

  “I bet she’d really like a cup of coffee. Why don’t we surprise her with one?” I suggested.

  Jordan appeared to be lost in thought, somewhere far away. It frightened me. Not because I couldn’t handle his problems, but because I feared he’d change his mind and pull away again.

  “I think that’s a great idea, but would you mind if I wait here? I don’t feel much like being in a crowd.”

  “I can take a cab home,” I offered. The last thing I wanted to do was cause him any grief, and if being in the hospital brought back painful memories, then I wanted him to know it was okay to go. “I understand if this is hard for you.”

  He took my face in his hands, and kissed me full on the mouth. “I’m fine. And this is where I want to be. Right here. With you. I just don’t want to go down to the café and hear people talking about the crash.”