by Lacey London
Eve sips her drink smugly and I can’t help but feel a little envious. Her abstinence from alcohol might mean that she doesn’t kick back with the rest of us on a Friday, but it does mean she’ll wake up as fresh as a daisy tomorrow whilst we are nursing hangovers.
‘I say we go on to Lightening!’ Gina hoots, waving her arms around in the air to the music. ‘What do you say?’
‘Hell no!’ My stomach churns as I remember where my mum was last night. ‘I’m going home after this and you are too.’
‘It looks like you’re not the only one…’ Eve points over my shoulder at Dawn and I spin around to see her getting her coat from the cloakroom.
‘Is she leaving with him?’ My jaw drops open as Dawn makes her way over to us. ‘Are you leaving with him?’ I gasp, biting my finger to stop myself from squealing out loud.
‘Hugh’s invited me to Satin for a nightcap.’ Her eyes sparkle as she turns and waves at him. ‘Do you guys mind if I…’
‘No!’ The three of us yell at once, steering her towards the exit.
‘Go! Have fun and call me in the morning!’ Giving her a squeeze, I wipe a smudge of mascara from beneath her left eye.
‘Have a fabulous time, Dawn. You deserve it!’ Eve kisses her on both cheeks and shoots her the thumbs up sign.
Taking a deep breath, she turns on her heels and flashes Gina a glare as she lets out a wolf whistle.
‘Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!’ Gina shouts, laughing so hard that her boobs bounce around in her dress. ‘And whatever you do, use protection!’
Grabbing her new friend by the hand, Dawn’s cheeks flush violently as he leads her out onto the street. Watching her walk away, I smile to myself as I see her apologising profusely for Gina’s crude behaviour. After her disastrous last relationship, I really hope this goes well for her. Hugh might not be Dawn’s Mr Right, but sometimes Mr Right Now is all that you need…
Flowers can make any day that bit more special…
Chapter 6
Watching the world whizz by the window, I flip down the visor and check my teeth for sunflower seeds. We must have been driving for well over an hour and for at least forty minutes of that I’ve been eating my weight in glorified rabbit food. We ate a huge cooked breakfast before we left the house earlier, so I can’t possibly be hungry. I guess I just need something to distract myself from the two terrors in the back. A road trip with a hyper three-year-old and an outspoken pensioner sounded a lot easier on paper. Picking a black pip out of my back molar, I dig out my iPhone and scan my notifications for any news from Dawn. Ever since we waved her off last night I’ve been just itching to find out how it went. To be honest, I did expect to have heard from her by now, but I guess no news is good news.
‘Are we there yet?’ Noah asks, for what seems like the hundredth time.
‘No, Noah.’ Pulling my handbag onto my lap, I swap my handset for a lip balm and flash him a smile.
Frowning in response, he folds his little arms and scowls. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen that tiny angry face lately. Trying not to laugh, I bite my lip and turn my attention to the road ahead. As it usually is on a Saturday, the motorway is chaotic to say the least. If only we didn’t have to wait around for Janie to decide which vulgar and inappropriate outfit to wear this morning, we would have been there already.
‘Are we there yet, Daddy?’ Noah leans forward and hits Oliver on the head with his book.
‘Not yet, buddy.’ Oliver indicates right and swings around the roundabout. ‘We won’t be too long though.’
Straining my neck, I look back at Noah and smile fondly. His floppy curls hang in front of his huge eyes, just like Oliver’s. I swear he gets more and more like his dad every single day. As much as I hate to admit it, any trace of me has long since vanished and all that remains is a mini Oliver Morgan. Not that I am complaining, I don’t think he could have turned out more perfect if I tried. Looking at him now in his denim dungarees and checked shirt, I almost can’t believe that I made something so damn beautiful. Abandoning his action figure, he sticks a little finger up his nose and proceeds to wipe it on his jeans. Yes, definitely all Oliver.
Applying a layer of lip balm, I scour through the pamphlets in my lap and start to feel excited. Oliver and I have wanted to take Noah to Virtuoso for so long and now he is finally old enough to appreciate everything that it has to offer. From discovering how human bodies work to learning how to fly in the gravity free zone, it really is the perfect educational trip. Unlike most theme parks, Virtuoso incorporates learning and makes it fun. Pretty genius if you ask me.
‘I still don’t know why we’re going to this stupid place.’ Janie grumbles like a sulky adolescent and kicks my seat.
‘It’s not stupid!’ I fire back, instantly feeling annoyed. ‘I think you will find that it’s informative and entertaining, actually.’
‘Since when were informative and entertaining used in the same sentence?’ She rolls her eyes and yawns loudly, making her disdain at being dragged along today clear to see.
Not wanting to lose my temper with her before we have even arrived, I glower at Oliver and send him a mental SOS to sort out his infuriating mother. Adjusting the rear view mirror, Oliver turns down the radio and puts on his most cheerful voice.
‘Come on, Mom! It’s going to be great, I promise!’
Not bothering to answer him with more than a grunt, Janie attempts to pull her taught brow into a frown. I’m about to tell her that the downside of five face lifts is that you permanently have the expression of a surprised mannequin when Noah taps my shoulder again.
‘Are we there yet?’ He sings loudly. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’
‘Not yet.’ I shake my head and hand him his portable DVD player in the hope that it keeps him quiet for a while.
Carefully taking it from me, he jabs at the screen and settles down in his seat. Thank God for that! When we planned this trip, I totally underestimated just how many activities I needed to bring to occupy Noah. Two hours is a breeze for us boring adults, but when you’re a young boy it’s not so easy.
‘What are you watching on there?’ Janie asks, leaning across the seat and ruffling Noah’s hair.
‘Dory!’ He whispers excitedly, turning the screen so that she can see.
‘Again?’ Rolling her eyes, Janie puts down the passenger window, causing my hair to blow around like a rag doll. ‘If I have to see that damn blue fish one more time, I’m gonna lose my mind.’
Desperately trying to keep my hair in place, I hold down my curls and strain my neck to face her. ‘Can you put that back up, please?’
Choosing to ignore me, she sticks her head out of the window and hollers loudly, causing other drivers to give us some quite peculiar looks. What the hell is she doing? She’s like the modern day Benjamin bloody Button, retreating further and further into childhood the older she gets. Hoping that a hole forms in the ground and swallows me up, I grab a hair tie from the glove box and attempt to gather my locks into something that resembles a ballerina bun.
‘Mummy, are we there yet?’ Noah moans again, even louder than the last time.
Letting out an exasperated sigh, I rub my throbbing temples. ‘Noah, if the wheels are still moving we are not there yet, OK?’
He looks at me intently for a moment, as though carefully processing this piece of information. I shouldn’t really be getting annoyed with him. This car journey is starting to drive me insane, so I can only imagine how agitated he must be. Three-years-old and cooped up in the back of a Range Rover with his crazy grandmother. At least I have the comfort of being in the front with Oliver, I think I would have thrown myself out onto the motorway by now if I was back there with Janie.
Suddenly deciding that she’s had enough of making a complete fool of herself, Janie closes the window and lets out a rather unladylike hoot. Obviously not realising that she has made her ridiculous beehive even more preposterous, she pulls down her shirt to e
nsure that she’s revealing as much cleavage as possible. For a moment I debate telling her, before deciding to keep shtum. Let’s face it, she certainly wouldn’t tell me if I was rocking a hairstyle last seen on Cyndi Lauper circa 1984.
We approach a set of traffic lights and I notice a sign which states Virtuoso. Breathing a sigh of relief that we are finally getting close, I wiggle my toes to get some feeling back into my numb feet. Jeez, you know you’re getting old when you can’t do a car journey without worrying about your blood circulation.
‘Mummy, are we there yet?’ Noah trills, hitting me on the head playfully.
‘No!’ I yell, a little louder than I mean to. ‘What did I just tell you? If the wheels are still moving, we aren’t there!’
Erupting into a fit of giggles, he points out of the window and laughs. ‘But, the wheels aren’t moving.’
Pursing my lips, I have to admit that he’s got me hook, line and sinker.
‘Mommy’s not as clever as she thinks she is, is she, Noah?’ Janie leans over and pulls out my hair tie, making my hair look almost as outlandish as hers.
Resisting the urge to give her a swift dig, I look over at Oliver for help.
‘Well, if it settles your argument, I can confirm that we shall be there in exactly three minutes.’ Oliver squints at the TomTom and changes lane.
A cheer erupts from the backseats and I can’t help but smile as Noah claps his hands together happily.
‘They better have a bar in this damn place.’ Janie grunts, snatching the pamphlet from the armrest.
I’m about to add that I very much doubt a children’s activity centre will serve alcohol when she lets out a sneer.
‘Visit our new biology centre and see what life is like inside the womb!’ Janie puts down the leaflet and pulls a repulsed face. ‘Seriously? Why the hell would anyone want to do that crap?’
‘Crap!’ Noah repeats aimlessly, not really understanding what this word means. ‘Crap! Crap! Crap!’
I take a sharp intake of breath as my blood runs cold. ‘Noah!’ I hiss, shaking my head. ‘Do not say that word!’
‘Why?’ He asks, suddenly getting a case of the hysterics. ‘Why can’t I say crap?’
‘Noah!’ Oliver adds more sternly. ‘Listen to your mother.’
Before I have the chance to explode at Janie, we pass under an enormous archway and come to a stop in the world’s biggest carpark. Immediately unbuckling his seatbelt, Noah huffs and puffs as he waits for Oliver to let him out of the car. Gathering my belongings, I flip up the visor and swing open the passenger door. Leaving Oliver to get Noah, I pop the boot and pull out Noah’s buggy. As Oliver heads off towards the entrance with Noah on his shoulders, I reach out and jab Janie in the ribs.
‘How many times have I told you not to swear in front of my son?’ I attempt to keep my voice down as to not attract the attention of the other visitors, but I can feel my blood pressure rising with each breath that I take. ‘Are you listening to me?’
Janie adjusts her bra, which is clearly two sizes too small and laughs cockily. ‘What the hell are you talking about now?’
‘Don’t play stupid. You know very well what I am talking about.’ A couple pull up next to us and exchange worried glances before deciding to choose another parking space. ‘I mean it, Janie. Do not swear in front of Noah again.’
‘Crap!’ Noah yells in the distance, sticking his tongue out from the safety of Oliver’s shoulders and laughing.
Janie clasps her hand to her mouth and joins in with his laughter.
‘Are you for real?’ I seethe, not knowing whether to laugh or cry. ‘What kind of person finds a three-year-old swearing humorous?’
‘It was a slip of the tongue, Clara and besides, crap is hardly a curse word.’ Her tone of voice indicates that she thinks I’m over reacting, which just makes me even angrier.
‘Crap most certainly is a curse word!’ I shout, feeling my heart pound in my chest. ‘Especially when it comes out of the mouth of a three-year-old, my three-year-old!’
‘Alright! Alright!’ Holding up her hands to surrender, she reaches out and claps me on the back. ‘I’m sorry, alright? Do you forgive me?’
Not being prepared to drop the subject so easily, I look down at the ground and try to calm my breathing. Not only does this woman drink a bottle of bourbon a day, she has now crossed the line into passing her potty mouth on to my child. How much more of this am I supposed to take?
Shaking my head, I give her a final scowl before heading off in search of Oliver. Despite my efforts to keep our heated discussion discreet, a few of the other visitors are giving me cautious glances, obviously having overheard our fiery exchange. Trying to avoid eye contact, I weave my way through the sea of people in search of Oliver. With him clearing six feet tall, he’s always fairly easy to spot in a crowd and after a few minutes of scouring the area, I finally locate him by the ticket office.
Secretly hoping that I’ve lost Janie in the swarms of people, I come to a stop next to Oliver and tap him on the arm.
‘Have you paid?’ I ask, stepping to the side to avoid losing my toes to an antsy wheelchair user.
‘Yeah.’ Oliver nods in response and hands me a pale blue stub. ‘Where’s my mom? If we lose her in here we’ll never find her.’
‘We should be so lucky.’ I mumble under my breath.
‘What was that?’ Oliver leans closer and frowns.
‘I said, she’ll find us.’ Pushing him towards the turnstiles, I tell myself to forget about Janie and start enjoying myself. ‘Come on, let’s go.’
Following him along the lobby, I dig my pamphlet out of my back pocket and squint at the tiny map. The last time we went to an amusement park like this was in Florida last year. A frisson of annoyance washes over me as I recall the chaos that Janie caused on that trip too. She’s like a bloody hurricane, causing destruction wherever she goes before moving on to a new destination. Holding on to the hope that she will soon be someone else’s rainy day, I look up at Oliver and point at the sign overhead.
‘How about we start at the Fly Zone?’ I hand him the pamphlet and take Noah by the hand.
‘Sounds good to me.’ He nods in agreement and scans the crowd behind us. ‘Let me just go and find my mom and we’ll head straight for it.’
Letting out an inward groan, I pray that he doesn’t find her and wander along the hallway. The stream of children running past disappear into the Insect Village, leaving just Noah, I and a few elderly members of staff. Deciding to take the opportunity to tell him just how bad Janie’s language is, I crouch down to his level and look at him sternly.
‘Noah, that word you said before was very naughty. Do you know which word I am talking about?’ I am trying to be diplomatic, but I can tell from the cheeky look on his face that he isn’t taking this conversation seriously.
Noah nods and beams back at me, cupping his hands around his mouth. ‘Crap!’ He suddenly screams, so loud that it hurts my ears.
‘Noah!’ I yell, completely mortified. ‘Don’t you dare say…’
‘Crap!’ Jumping up and down on the spot, he sticks his tongue out and sings at the top of his voice. ‘Crap! Crap! Crap! Cr…’
Clamping my hand over his mouth, I feel my cheeks flush violently as I try desperately to stop him from shouting. The elderly ladies behind us gasp and shoot me filthy looks. Resorting to picking him up, I follow the signs for the toilets and run into a cubicle. To add insult to injury, someone has thrown toilet paper everywhere, so I sit him on my lap and hold both of his hands in mine.
‘Noah, if you say that word one more time…’
‘Crap…’ He mumbles, before suddenly looking rather guilty and frowning.
My jaw drops open as I stare at him in shock. What has happened to my gorgeous little baby? Six months of Janie has turned him into a complete devil. What will the next six months bring? Drugs and tattoos? She has to go! Hearing someone close the door on the cubicle next to mine, I close my eyes and lower my
voice to a whisper.
‘Swearing is bad. Very, very bad. It’s so bad, that if Santa Claus hears you swearing, he won’t bring you any Christmas gifts.’
Yes, I know, threatening my child with the possible absence of Santa probably isn’t going to win me any Mother of the Year awards, but right now it’s the best that I’ve got. Refusing to look at me, he sticks out his bottom lip and I know that I’m finally getting somewhere.
‘Gee-Gee says it…’ Playing with the hem of his shirt, he brings his eyes up to meet mine.
‘Well, Gee-Gee is a very bad grandma.’ I purse my lips and frown back at him.
‘She is?’ He asks, clearly a little shocked at someone daring to insult his beloved Gee-Gee.
‘Yes, she is. I think I can safely say that Santa Claus won’t be bringing Gee-Gee anything this year.’
Noah’s mouth hangs open as he stares at me in disbelief. ‘Won’t Gee-Gee be sad?’
‘Probably, but sad or not she’s still getting a big fat nothing. Now, are you going to say sorry so that we can enjoy our day?’
Nodding furiously, he squeezes his hands out of my grasp and throws his arms around my neck.
‘Sorry, Mummy.’ He plants a wet kiss on my nose and squeezes tightly.
My heart fills with pride and I return his apology with a smile. Despite his moments of mischief, I can’t stay mad at him for long. He flashes me those big eyes and all feelings of anger just melt away. Pulling open the lock, I lead him outside and squeeze by the line of children who are waiting to pee.
‘Mummy?’ Noah pulls me back as we step out into the lobby.
‘Yes?’
‘Now that I’ve said sorry, will Santa bring me presents at Christmas?’
Trying my hardest not to laugh, I nod slowly and swallow the giggle that is tickling my throat.
‘Yes, Noah. I think he just might…’
If I had a flower for every time you made me laugh,
