A Mother's Choice

by Kristin Noel Fischer

  “Autumn, darling. It’s Father Timothy O’Connor. I’m already at the hospital. A lovely doctor gave me a ride from the airport, but I’d like to see your mother. Shall I wait for you in the lobby?”

  “Yes,” I sputtered. “We’ll be right there.”

  “Okay, dear. Looking forward to seeing you.”

  I hung up the phone and glanced at my sister, unsure of what to say to the others. Eleanor cleared her throat. “That was Father Tim. He came to see Mother.”

  “Father Tim?” Michael looked puzzled.

  Dan nudged his brother. “Father Tim. From the parish in Seattle? Remember?”

  “Oh, yeah,” Michael said.

  “He’s not the same Tim who wrote the letter to your mother, is he?” Darlene asked. “Did you ever find out about that Tim?”

  I didn’t know how to answer the question, but once again, Eleanor came to my rescue. “We should go. I’m sure Father Tim is anxious to see Mother, and I don’t want to keep him waiting.”

  “I’m coming, too,” Michael said.

  Darlene placed a gentle hand on Dan’s arm. “Why don’t you go with your brother? I’ll take the kids home and wait for you there. Eleanor? Can I take Aubrey with me?”

  “Yes, thank you.” Eleanor’s voice wobbled, clearly disturbed by the idea of seeing Father Tim again.

  Darlene smiled at me. “I’d offer to take Logan and Zane, but I don’t have enough room in my car.”

  “That’s okay,” I said. “You’ve watched them enough lately.”

  With that settled, we headed to the hospital where we found Father Tim pacing the lobby. He wore all black except for the white clerical collar around his neck, and although he was the same age as my mom, he seemed much older. When he saw us, he smiled, causing his entire face to transform into the goofy-looking kid from the Elvis movie.

  He shook Dan’s hand before pulling him into a manly embrace. “You’re all grown up, son.”

  He greeted Michael the same way, but when he spotted Eleanor, tears filled his eyes. “Little Ellie … and your baby.”

  “This is Jude,” Eleanor said, lifting the carrier.

  The priest clasped his hands and pressed them to his mouth. He smiled down at the baby and spoke with approval. “Jude. A fine, strong name for a fine, strong baby. He’s very handsome.”

  Eleanor kept her face stoic, but she nodded, and I wondered what was going through her mind. Did Father Tim’s presence bring back all the difficult memories of her childhood?

  When the priest finally turned his attention to me, I felt uncomfortable and offered my hand. “Father Tim, I’m Autumn. Nadine’s youngest. Thank you for coming.”

  He gripped my hand with both of his and held on tight. There was an intensity in his eyes I didn’t understand. “Autumn, dear … oh, Autumn.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat, not sure why I was so emotional at meeting him. I introduced Logan and Zane, then we all headed upstairs to see my mom.

  *

  When we reached the room, we found my mom’s physician Dr. Henry, speaking quietly to her. “Your mother helped me with some personal issues,” he explained, walking toward us. “I was just telling her how everything worked out.”

  I nodded, easily imagining my mother doing something like that. She was a good listener and full of sage advice.

  Father Tim stepped past us and made his way to the bed. “Oh, Nadine.” He sank in the chair and lifted her frail hand to his cheek. “Sweetheart …”

  I stood, mesmerized. The love in his voice was so tender and sincere, I could scarcely breathe. I didn’t think it was a romantic love, but it was pure and true, nonetheless.

  My siblings followed Dr. Henry out to the hallway where Logan and Zane were playing hopscotch on the tiles, but I stood still, watching Father Tim bow his head and move his lips in quiet prayer.

  “Autumn,” my sister called, shifting the baby and motioning for me to join everyone.

  I glanced one last time at my mom and Father Tim before leaving the room. “What’s going on?”

  The door had been propped open, but Eleanor closed it with her free hand. She gestured toward Dr. Henry. “He spoke with the other doctors, and we need to talk about the fact that maybe it’s time.”

  “Time?” My voice shook with comprehension.

  Eleanor met my gaze straight on. “It might be time to think about removing the feeding tube and letting her go.”

  Everything inside me froze. “No!”

  Dan placed a hand on my shoulder. “I know this is tough, but we’ll make her comfortable. She won’t experience any pain.”

  But I will. I will. I will.

  Michael asked a question about the procedure, and everyone started talking as if we were scheduling nothing more serious than a dental appointment.

  My chest clenched tight as panic shot through me. I couldn’t believe my siblings were speaking so casually. Had everything already been decided?

  “Wait a minute,” I said. “Father Tim just arrived. We can’t end her life. Not yet.”

  Eleanor shook her head. “We haven’t made a decision; we’re just talking about it.”

  “Well, my decision is no!”

  “Since Father Tim is here,” Dan began, as if I hadn’t spoken, “we can ask him to give last rites, and if she passes, maybe he’ll stay for the funeral.”

  “No,” I repeated, appalled my brother could even think such a thing.

  The doctor nervously looked at Eleanor. “Perhaps we could go to my office and discuss this in private? Or maybe you’d prefer to speak to the neurologist?”

  “That won’t be necessary.” Eleanor used her no-nonsense doctor tone. Despite the baby on her shoulder and spit-up sliding down her back, she was all business. “Thank you for your time, Dr. Henry. I’ll talk to my sister and get back to you.”

  I’ll talk to my sister? I hated being dismissed as if I were just the youngest kid with no right to an opinion. This was my mother they were talking about. This was her life!

  Kyle rounded the corner, dressed in scrubs and a long white lab coat. He looked so professional and handsome and safe, I wanted to throw myself in his arms. Have him hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay.

  “What’s going on?” he asked, eyeing our group suspiciously.

  I shot daggers at Eleanor and Dan. “They want to remove the feeding tube.”

  Kyle’s expression faltered, and he peeked through the little glass window in the door. “Is that why you called the priest? For last rites?”

  “No,” I protested, my voice trembling. “That’s not why he’s here at all.”

  I gripped Kyle’s arm. “Tell them to stop. Tell them there’s no rush, and we don’t have to make this decision today.”

  Eleanor answered before Kyle could say anything. “I know this is hard, but Mother wouldn’t want to live like this.”

  I recoiled. “You don’t know that. She’s pro-life! She believes in life.”

  The doctor flinched at my anger. I was causing a scene, but I didn’t care. Adrenaline surged through me, and my whole body shook.

  “Mommy, what’s wrong?” Logan squeezed my hand and looked up with frightened eyes, making me feel guilty. Placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder, I apologized.

  Michael squatted so he was eye level with both boys. “Hey, do you two want to come downstairs with me and get some ice cream?”

  Zane jumped into my brother’s arms. “Yes, I do. I do. Can I get chocolate?”

  “Of course,” Michael said. “What about you, Logan?”

  Logan looked at me, then at Kyle, who forced a smile and nodded. “It’s okay, son. Go with Uncle Michael so Mom and I can talk with the doctor.”

  Logan stood on tiptoes to peer through the window at my mom. “Can I say hi to Grandma first?”

  “Later, okay?” Kyle said. “After your ice cream.”

  Logan nodded, then left with Michael and Zane. A fierce silence pressed down on our group. When nobody spo
ke, I took the opportunity to repeat my disagreement. “It’s wrong to give up on Mom so easily. We can’t end her life like this.”

  Eleanor straightened. “We’re not ending her life, just removing the feeding tube.”

  Fury grabbed me, shaking my body and accelerating my pulse. All the tenderness and understanding I’d felt toward my sister over the past few days vanished. “People die when they don’t eat. Removing the feeding tube is giving her a death sentence. Don’t you understand that?”

  “Sometimes—” Kyle began.

  I glared at him and didn’t let him finish. “I can’t believe you’re taking their side.”

  “I’m not taking anyone’s side. I—”

  “I’m through talking about this,” I shouted. Spinning around, I flew down the hallway, distancing myself from Kyle, my family, and the horrible fact they were probably right.

  Chapter 29

  After Father Tim gave me strict instructions to finish my breakfast, he left my bedroom and helped the children get ready for school. I tried to eat the toast, but it tasted like cardboard and scratched my throat. Even the coffee didn’t appeal to me, something I could usually stomach in the worst of situations.

  Pushing the tray away, I crawled under the covers and listened to the sounds of my children, rushing around the house to find their backpacks and shoes. Eleanor yelled at her brothers for being loud and irresponsible. Dan shouted for her to mind her own business.

  The front door opened and slammed shut. Pulling the covers around me, I sobbed uncontrollably into my pillow. It all hurt so much. Nothing, nothing could be more painful than this. How in the world was I going to survive?

  At last, exhaustion overtook me, and I fell into a deep sleep filled with outrageous dreams. I dreamed of Jude, Angela, and Eric flying around the world with Elvis on electric guitars. I tried jumping up to capture them, but they flew out of my reach, laughing.

  At one point, I followed them into the church, where they disappeared, leaving me alone with a small group of people preparing for a wedding. Looking up, I found Ruby standing near the altar. She wore a beautiful lavender dress, and her face beamed with pride as she helped the bride adjust her veil.

  Leaning over, the bride kissed Ruby on the cheek and smiled. “I love you, Mom.”

  I gasped and my hand shot to my heart. Who was this girl? Had Eric actually lived? Was this his future wife? Had Ruby gone on to have more children? How was this possible?

  And suddenly, it became perfectly clear.

  The bride was Ruby’s daughter!

  Tears of joy streamed down my face. Ruby had picked up the pieces of her fragile life and had gone on to have a daughter!

  A daughter!

  Both Ruby and the bride turned toward me. Slowly, I came to my feet, gripping the pew in front of me for support. “Ruby.”

  She smiled and nodded. “This is Faith—my daughter.”

  The bride lifted her face and locked eyes with me. A jolt hit me because she looked like she could be one of my own. In addition to Eleanor’s high cheekbones, she had Angela’s red hair and green eyes. Jude’s eyes.

  And suddenly I knew. I knew how I could make things right. How I could atone for this awful mess and restore my relationship with Ruby … and perhaps survive this tragedy.

  I awoke with a start, sitting straight up. My eyes darted around the room until they landed on Tim, standing at the end of my bed.

  “Are you okay, Nadine?”

  My heart pounded, and I struggled to catch my breath, but yes, I was okay. Better than okay. “I know what to do. I know what I need to do.”

  A quiet smile tugged at his lips. “Okay. I’ll make us some coffee while you take a shower and get dressed. Then we’ll talk about it.”

  I shook my head, not wanting him to leave. Then before I could lose my nerve, I told him about my plan for redemption.

  My plan to give Ruby my baby.

  Chapter 30

  After storming out of the hospital, I sat on a bench outside, realizing I couldn’t leave without my purse, which I’d left in my mom’s room, or my children who were with Michael, eating ice cream.

  Even though it was cold enough for a jacket, the sun shone above me. I pulled my sunglasses out of my pocket and put them on. Leaning back, I breathed in the fresh air, grateful winter would soon be over.

  Before we knew it, the red bud trees lining the streets of downtown Turtle Lake would come into bloom, announcing the beginning of spring. Announcing it was time to leave winter behind and begin anew.

  If my mom died, she wouldn’t be here for spring, her favorite time of the year. She wouldn’t see the boys grow up, hold baby Jude, or watch me get my master’s degree.

  How was it possible that just over a week ago she’d flirted on the phone with her doctor? Swam in the pool with her grandchildren and enjoyed lunch on the back patio with the boys and me?

  An older woman, around the same age as my mom, approached the bench. “Do you mind if I sit here?”

  “Oh, of course not.” I scooted over, despite the fact there was already plenty of room for her.

  “I’m waiting for faith,” she said.

  I smiled. Weren’t we all?

  Shaking her head, she withdrew a tube of lipstick and a little mirror from her purse. “I’m sorry. Faith is my daughter. She’s parking the rental car. We just flew into Texas and my mind is scattered. I hate getting old, but I suppose it’s better than the alternative.”

  She laughed nervously, and something inside me twitched. I turned to study her, noticing that like my mother, she had dark round age spots on her hands. She was thin with short, gray hair. Large sunglasses covered most of her face, but she seemed familiar.

  I wanted to ask why she’d come to Texas, but before I could, Kyle and the boys burst out of the hospital, calling my name. They headed toward me and I stood. Logan swung my purse through the air like a weapon, while Kyle carried Zane, who was crying.

  “I’ve got to get to work, and Zane just threw up,” Kyle said, his voice urgent. “I cleaned him off in the bathroom, but he stinks.”

  Zane lunged at me, and I caught him, despite his repulsive stench. Kyle scooped up Logan and placed a hand between my shoulder blades. “Come on, I’ll help you to the car before I go back to work.”

  As the four of us left, the woman on the bench called out to us. “I hope he feels better.”

  I’d forgotten all about her, but I peeked over my shoulder and waved. “Thanks.”

  We walked toward my car, Zane weaving his sticky hand through my hair. “I love you, Mommy. Do you love me?”

  My heart melted. “Of course I love you, Stinky Monster.” He gave a muffled giggle and buried his face deeper into my neck.

  When we reached the car, Kyle helped me buckle up the boys before giving me a huge hug.

  “I stink,” I protested, trying to step away.

  “I stink, too.” He leaned against the car, pulling me with him. Closing my eyes, I sank into his chest. He’d been wrong. He didn’t smell bad at all. In fact, as I inhaled his pleasant aftershave, I was convinced that nobody smelled better than my Kyle.

  “I’m not going to take the fellowship,” he said in a raspy breath.

  “What?” His statement seemed so out of the blue, I thought I misunderstood.

  “Not to psychoanalyze myself, but I think I have this fear of not being good enough. Of not being able to give you and the boys everything you deserve.”

  “Kyle …” I leaned back and looked him in the eye, wanting to assure him it wasn’t true.

  “I’ll tell you more about it at home, but back there … after you left, Dan and Eleanor both agreed to hold off on making any decisions until you were ready.”

  “They did?”

  He nodded. “You know, I missed out by not growing up in a family like yours. You and your siblings work things out. You stay together and take care of each other. I never had that … it’s probably why I push people away. Even you. Why I’m afr
aid of just working next year.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  He took a deep breath. “What if I’m not good enough? What if when we have more time to spend together, you get sick of me?”

  “Kyle.” How in the world could I convince him he was enough? That I honestly loved him and wanted to be with him?

  His phone rang, but he silenced it without looking at the caller ID. “So, would you be okay if I accepted the position at the clinic, and we just lived a normal life? If I was home at night and on the weekends?”

  “I’d be thrilled, but are you sure? I don’t want you to give up your dream for me.”

  “Yes, you do.”

  I laughed. “Okay, full disclosure. I do. But does that make you mad?”

  “No.”

  “And you’re not going to regret it?”

  “No.” He brushed back my hair. “You’ve sacrificed for me and my career. Now I want to do the same for you.”

  My heart filled with so much joy, I thought it would burst. I threw my arms around him and held on tight. “I love you.”

  “I know you do, and I love you, too.”

  Frantic knocking on the car window broke our magical moment. We both looked down to see Zane pointing at Logan, who was throwing up.

  “Oh, no!” I ran around to the other side of the car and opened the door. “He must’ve caught what Zane has.”

  “I think this is my cue to exit,” Kyle said, but he didn’t leave. Instead, he stayed and helped me clean up the car and our son.

  Half a tub of baby wipes later, Kyle held open the driver’s side door as I slipped into the seat.

  “When I get home tonight,” he said, “I’ll take your car to get shampooed. It might be late, but I’ll do it, okay?”

  I smiled up at him and rested my hand on his leg. “Thanks. Do you want a lift back to the hospital?”

  He glanced at the boys, sitting in the back seat and grinned. “In the throw-up mobile? No, thanks. I think I’ll walk.”

  I grunted a laugh. “Yeah, I don’t blame you.”

  With all the windows rolled down, I waved good-bye to Kyle and drove home.

  *