by London Casey
Sadie asked to pick out a box.
I said yes. Just one box though.
I unclipped her from the cart and let her down.
She walked the aisle ten times. For her, this was the most important decision of her life. And in some ways, it really was. This would be her meal in the morning for the next week or longer. So I let her have her moment.
I loved watching her, Everly. You should have seen her. I wished you could have.
At one point she stood with two boxes. Her right leg stuck out a little. Her lips puckered. She looked like a young woman almost. Like an executive going over two important business proposals, needing to choose just one.
She put one box back and turned, putting up her pointer finger at me.
“One more second, Daddy,” she said.
I smiled and nodded.
She debated on two more boxes and finally made her choice.
Brightly colored. Lots of sugar. A free toy inside. And even a maze on the back.
Sold.
I got her back in the cart.
“Daddy, what about that one?” she said and pointed to a box on the top shelf.
I looked and saw what she was pointing to.
The super healthy cereal that tasted like cardboard. With the dried fruits in it. The little dried fruits that got stuck in the back of your teeth and never came out.
Your favorite cereal.
“We have enough,” I said to Sadie.
“No. Get some. Mommy likes that. When is she coming home?”
The middle of the aisle, Everly.
I stopped and didn’t know what to do. Sadie was just staring up at me.
So I told her to pick out a second box of cereal.
The subject was let go.
For now at least.
The rest of the shopping trip I was numb. I just walked, pushing the cart, filling the cart, emptying it onto the belt, paying for everything. The cashier made a comment about how beautiful Sadie was and gave her a sticker with a cartoon smiling watermelon.
I swiped my - our - debit card and I left.
I don’t think Sadie really understands it. I don’t think she knows you’re…
I can’t write the word, Everly. I can’t stomach the fucking word.
Someday she’s going to know. And it’s not going to be her crying at a funeral because everyone is crying and she doesn’t understand why they’re crying or who’s actually in the deep black casket with red and white roses on it.
She’s going to know the truth, and everything the truth contained.
I’m going to have to tell her everything myself.
For the record, I grabbed a box of that crappy cereal. And I’ve been eating it every morning. I still can’t stand the taste, but the tears that fall into it help to dull it a little.
I love you endlessly,
Jake
Chapter Twenty-One
A Hand on the Door
(Jake)
The weekends were sometimes the hardest time to be a single dad. Because there was no real lazy schedule ever allowed. You know how some people looked forward to sleeping in? Lounging in their pajamas? Maybe getting caught up on chores around the house. Or seeing friends. Going places. Having dinner. Anything.
Not the case for me.
It was just an extension of the week without the routine.
Sadie slept great, I gave her that much. My body was the one that woke up around seven. And Sadie was always up around eight. Groggy eyed and carrying Bo, she’d shuffle through the kitchen and took a seat at the dining room table, waiting for her breakfast. And her breakfast was always there and waiting.
I kept myself busy with mundane things around the house, all the while taking as many breaks as needed to play castle, have a tea party, watch cartoons, do anything Sadie wanted to do. That also included a trip to the park with a picnic lunch. I rarely did the park thing, but for Sadie, I’d do anything. And while I didn’t have the wicker picnic basket that she saw on TV, I had my lunch cooler. The white plastic stained black from the garage, but it did the trick.
I spread a blanket out in the grass and we hung out, eating peanut butter and jellies, drinking apple juice, eating baby carrots, a few cookies, and we looked at the clouds to figure out what shapes they were. Talk about an injection of innocence. Looking up to the clouds though made me feel uneasy.
When we got back home, Sadie curled up on the couch and actually dozed off. Hugging Bo, her head on a pillow, a cartoon playing in the background, I stood there and watched her, shaking my head. She was literally my entire world. The house was just a structure of memories. My truck was a vehicle. My job was a means to an end. But Sadie… she was everything.
Crouching down, I touched her head, kissed her cheek, and put a blanket over her.
Then I went upstairs and grabbed a shower.
Here’s the thing… I took a hot shower, alone, in peace, without a worry. There was a sense of normal to it. The only thing playing in my mind was what happened with Emily on her deck. I knew exactly where that would have gone if Sadie hadn’t woken up.
I got out of the shower and put a towel around my waist. I wiped my hand on the foggy mirror and stared at my reflection.
It’s okay, Jake. Whatever you need to do now, it’s okay. Just don’t do anything to hurt Sadie.
I wasn’t sure whose voice that was playing in my head.
I looked down and shut my eyes for a second. The warmth of the bathroom was comfort. For a second I pictured her walking up behind me, her hands sliding around my body. Touching my skin. Me taking a deep breath in. Then she’d grab the towel and open it, letting it fall to the floor. Then she’d whisper whoops and her hand would move down…
I felt like I was going to rip the sink from the wall.
I turned and walked out of the bathroom.
I wasn’t thinking straight right then.
My thoughts so muddled I started moving by instinct. I turned the wrong direction out of the bathroom. I walked toward… the master bedroom. And I didn’t realize what I was doing until I grabbed the knob and turned it. I pushed at the door and it opened a few inches.
That’s when I woke up.
I caught sight of the bedroom.
Right as I had left it.
Nothing touched. Nothing moved. Everything in the exact same place from the day it all happened.
I saw the dresser. Her brush. Her jewelry box. A few trinkets that I had bought her, claiming they were from Sadie. Pictures stuck in the mirror, memories of us, of Sadie, of our family. The curtains she picked out, that I felt she paid too much for. One of two closet doors open. The corner of the bed. The messy sheets. She never made the bed. Ever.
I couldn’t breathe for a second.
I pulled the door shut but I couldn’t let the door knob go. I put my other hand to the door. Again, it was something else I fucked up after Everly died. I fucked up the truth with Sadie and I fucked up with this room.
Sometimes time didn’t heal at all. Sometimes time just masked a wound, kept it from killing you but never ever let it heal. Sometimes that could only be done by cutting the wound open more.
I turned and slid down the door and sat there, my back against it.
Right then I wished Emily was with me. I wished she was right there, next to me, so I could tell her everything and see what she wanted to do.
But how fair was that? She lost her grandmother. That was a big deal but that didn’t mean she should jump into the fire of my life. I was a single dad. I was still grieving. I slept in the guest bedroom of a house that I had bought to have my family in. I had a daughter to raise. A daughter that was only four. She was cute and had her moments of attitude. But it was only going to get worse, right? As much as I loved Sadie, she was going to grow up. She was going to become a young woman. She was going to be hurting without her mother. Her real mother. Her body was going to change. Life was going to change. I would have to shield her, field the questions, take care of everythin
g.
It wasn’t Emily’s burden.
I buried my head into my hands and felt my heart ripping in my chest.
That’s when my cell phone started to ring from the bathroom.
Emily.
I scrambled to my feet, losing my towel. I grabbed for it, holding it against my dick to hide myself.
I picked up the phone and answered without looking at the screen.
“Emily?” I asked.
“Who?” a voice asked. “Jake? It’s Paul.”
“Paul?”
“From work…”
Paul.
“Paul,” I said. “Hey. How are you?”
“Good,” he said. “Um, listen, are you free tonight?”
“Free? Why?”
“My girlfriend’s friend… Kelly… she’s free tonight.”
“Oh,” I said. “Right. You mean like a double date thing?”
What the fuck was I even saying?
“No,” Paul said. “She’s just free if you are. I’ll send you her number. You said you wanted to go out with her, right?”
“Yeah, I did. Yeah.”
I looked at myself in the mirror again.
I wasn’t in the state of mind to make the decision I was making.
“Okay, I’ll send you her number,” Paul said.
“Paul. Wait.”
“What?”
“I’m going to be at the corner bar,” I said. “Around six. I’ll be in a booth. If she’s interested, tell her to be there.”
“Okay. A little mystery date, huh?”
“Paul?”
“Yeah?”
“Shut up,” I said.
I ended the call.
I tossed my phone to the floor on the fuzzy carpet that I did not pick out. I looked in the mirror once again.
This was going to be my first date since my first date with Everly.
Worse yet, I had to do something to Emily.
I had to hurt her… but it was for her own good.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Pizza for Two
(Emily)
I made sure the drop cloth was down to protect the floors. I started to tape the top trim but it quickly got annoying. I hoped that maybe I could get Jake to take care of that part while I started painting. I stopped at the grocery store and got everything I could think that a four year old would want to eat and drink. Call it crazy but I was looking forward to my Saturday night with Jake. With Sadie. Painting. Eating pizza. Hoping Sadie would fall asleep on my couch.
Then maybe Jake and I could… you know, have some alone time again.
A chance to talk. And maybe some more.
My phone buzzed in my back pocket, vibrating against my butt.
It was a text from Jake.
Can you talk? Meet me out front.
I walked downstairs and went outside. Jake was already waiting for me. Standing on my second step. Letting me be eye level with him.
Something was wrong.
“Jake, what’s wrong? Is Sadie okay?”
“Everyone is okay,” he said. “I need to talk to you. I sort of messed something up.”
“Okay?”
“A guy I work with, Paul. I forgot that I had made plans. Sort of for tonight.”
“Oh,” I said, feeling a little deflated.
“I, uh, hate to do this, Emily, but I need someone to watch Sadie. So I can go out.”
“Oh,” I said again.
So my night would suddenly be no painting and pizza for two.
I swallowed hard, not wanting to show any emotion.
“I…”
“It’s okay, Jake,” I said. “It’s okay. Not a problem.”
“I said I’d help you paint,” he said. “And I will. I promise. I won’t take back on that. I just… it sort of slipped my mind. Just so much at once here.”
“Of course,” I said. “It’s okay. It’s just paint. I’d be happy to help with Sadie. I actually bought a bunch of stuff for her anyway.”
“You did?”
“Yeah. I went to the store. We’ll have fun tonight. I’ll order pizza. Maybe I’ll let her splurge and order a movie on demand. I’m sure she knows how to do that.”
“Be careful with that,” Jake said. “She ordered stuff a few times and I didn’t know. Got the cable bill and…” Jake shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. I’m sorry, Emily.”
“It’s fine,” I said.
I saw the look on his face. Something was wrong. Something was bothering him. Almost like he had a sense of guilt.
I stepped forward and down one step. I was inches from him.
I reached for him. “Jake… are you…”
He stepped back and down to the sidewalk. “Just… I appreciate it, Emily. I’ll make it up to you, okay? I’ll personally paint your upstairs alone.” He reached into his pocket. “Let me take care of everything for tonight. The pizza. The snacks. The movie. Whatever you two want.”
He nodded and all but shoved a bunch of twenties into my face.
I took the money.
Whatever you two want…?
I knew what I wanted.
I wanted Jake.
“I’ll bring Sadie over in a little bit,” he said.
He turned and hurried away.
I looked at the cash in my hand. Then over to his house.
Something hit me.
Did Jake just draw the line for us? That I was solely a neighbor? A babysitter?
“My stomach is going to explode.”
Sadie dropped the half eaten slice of pizza into the box and let out a groan.
My living room looked like a college party. Food and snacks all around. Drink cups and containers on the table. Everything that you weren’t supposed to do, we had done. Because it was Saturday night. It was time to cut loose. Time to live a little. Of course, getting wild with juice boxes and animal crackers was not the night I had planned.
But it was a good night.
I cleaned up the pizza box and brought a couple blankets into the living room.
I gave Sadie her choice of movies and she picked one.
Six bucks later, we were watching a movie.
As the intro credits played, Sadie pulled a blanket up to her chin and looked up at me.
“Daddy has lights, right?”
“Lights?”
“You said the garage has lights.”
“Oh. Yeah. Right.” I raised an eyebrow. “He said he was working?”
Sadie nodded.
“Well, he might have to work really late. So you could fall asleep here, okay? Like you did before. I’ll be here.”
“Thanks, Emily,” Sadie said so proper.
Ten minutes into the movie I felt Sadie grab for my arm. She slowly put it around her. Before my heart could stop melting, Sadie cuddled against my side. Bo tucked under her chin, her fingers playing with the plush unicorn’s horn. I pulled Sadie close and hugged her as the movie played.
I suddenly wasn’t watching the movie anymore.
I was thinking about Sadie’s mother. Everly. I knew nothing of the woman and the story but I knew some pretty important things. She was beautiful enough to tame Jake’s wild soul. Beautiful enough to catch Jake’s attention and heart. Beautiful enough that she made Sadie so beautiful too. She and Jake had a love that allowed them to buy a house and have a baby. That was a special thing. And it was pretty obvious that whatever actually happened wasn’t something they were ready for.
I caught myself blinking a tear from my eye as Sadie’s eyes started to shut. I sneakily wiped the tear off my cheek. I swallowed the rest down.
A droplet of drool formed in the corner of Sadie’s mouth and fell on Bo. That poor stuffed unicorn had probably been drooled on for years.
I remained in the same position, holding Sadie, letting her drift off to an even deeper sleep. Then I slowly moved from the couch and put her head on a pillow. The scene had a familiar feel to it and I began to wonder again if that’s all I’d be to Sadie and Jake. The
neighbor. The babysitter. Not even a friend at this point. Because Jake would have rather gone out with a friend. I didn’t mean to feel the way I did right then, but empty and lonely was all that came to mind. Along with a sense of anger and jealousy.
I walked to the front door and stood there. The porch dark. The street darker. I thought about my grandmother. All those years of wanting to get out of there. Feeling so guilty for that when she was slowly dying. And yet here I was doing the same thing. Except behind me on the couch was a little girl that had a long life to live.
If she needed a friend, I would be there. If she needed a neighbor, I would be there. If she needed a babysitter, I would be there.
And if she needed someone to love her father… I would be there.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The Or Something
(Jake)
What the fuck am I doing here?
I stared at the deciding beer. Meaning if I had that beer I would no longer be able to legally drive. And that meant making other arrangements to get home. Or just keep drinking and call for Mickey’s help. Or make a really bad decision. It also meant that deciding would become another factor which would lessen my decision making ability until I was numb.
I didn’t want to be numb.
I didn’t want to drink the fucking beer in front of me.
And I didn’t want to be sitting across from a very beautiful woman who sipped some vodka mixed drink as we sat in a dive bar in town with the bar bustling with conversation and a baseball game playing on the two TV’s there.
The waitress - who was helping behind the bar - offered us menus three times. Each time, Kelly looked to me for a decision. I declined again and again and again. Each time I declined I saw the way Kelly looked at me.
I was out of my element, a fish out of water, my fingers twitching, wanting to text and check on Sadie. But I trusted Emily. Even though I was such an asshole to not tell her where I was. She thought I was out with a friend. Having some drinks. A guys thing. She didn’t know it was a date because I didn’t tell her. And why didn’t I tell her? Because I didn’t want her to get mad. Because I cared. Shit, because I didn’t want to lose her.
