by Rosie C.
I questioned his actions, voicing that he knew little about her and that she needed time before she’d let him all the way in. Assuming by the angry look on his face directed at me, I was willing to bet she hadn’t told him her whole story yet. I blew out a short air of relief at the realization. I didn’t know if Trevor could be trusted or not, but the fact that Jenna hadn’t shared everything said a lot about their situation.
He was challenging me. I would have kicked him in the shin but Jenna probably wouldn’t have liked that. Speaking of…
I turned toward my best friend, whose face was tear-stained and red from her breakdown. Before I could say anything, she beat me to it.
“I don’t want you two to fight.” Her voice was barely above a whisper, and a piece of my heart broke for her. “I’m sorry that I had a mental breakdown in the school hallway but I’m okay now. I promise.”
I nodded in understanding. Whatever she was going through, she would share when she was ready. There had to be more than she had let me in on. She agreed to tell me the full truth when she was ready, and that was enough for me.
I stood up, deciding that the best thing right now would be to walk away and give Jenna and Trevor their space. I could judge him all I wanted, but I wasn’t in their relationship, and I had no idea what they talked about or what they did. All I knew was his secret. His secret that had become mine the second I decided to keep it from her too. I was a terrible friend, but as long as the situation was under control there wasn’t a reason to cause her any more hurt, especially after what had just happened. I wasn’t about to do that to her.
My irritation with Monday's grew mostly due to the fact that every and all Mondays were dreadful. Something always seemed to happen. Always.
I hadn’t seen Jenna at lunch, but I assumed she skipped out on the day after what had happened that morning. It made sense. I would have left too. I was sitting in my final period of the day, impatiently waiting for the final bell to ring when I heard some not-so-quiet voices having a discussion about Jenna’s incident. From what I could hear, they were forming their own theories for it, the most popular being that Trevor quote unquote finally ended things with her.
My eyes rolled and my hands clenched into fists. Most days I’d ignore them. They weren’t important, they knew nothing, so why would I waste breath correcting them? Usually I wouldn’t, but I couldn’t stomach the thought of them spreading more rumors, especially not after the brokenness that had shone in her eyes. She didn’t deserve that. As her best friend I needed to do something, and quick. I wasn’t one to shy from confrontation, but I also wasn’t one to make someone else feel inferior to me. But I couldn’t sit back and listen while they went on with their ridiculous assumptions.
I glanced at the clock hanging on the wall.
Three minutes to go. What’s it going to be?
I questioned myself, unsure of what to actually do. I needed to stop thinking so hard about it and just act.
I took a shaky breath and stood up from my desk, smoothing down the back of my dress. I could do this. I mean, at this point I had no other options. Everyone but the teacher stared at me, curious at to what I was up to as I made the short trek over to the group still running their mouths.
“Ahem.” I lightly cleared my throat, a fake sugary-sweet smile already in place. “Not sorry to interrupt.”
The group, which consisted of people I honestly had never paid attention to, stared at me. Some had their mouths agape, others had smirks. Neither reaction was what I was expecting, but still I went on and held my ground.
“Do yourselves all a favor and stop talking about my best friend like she’s a Hollywood news topic,” I said, a snarl escaping between my sweet tone. “She’s none of your business and if I find out you’re all spreading rumors or if I hear you talk about her again, whatever small reputation you have at this school will be even more nonexistent than it already is.”
One, a brave soul apparently, opened their mouths to speak, but they didn’t look happy, so I stopped them. I held my hand up for a second, halting whatever thoughts they were going to share with me.
“No,” I said, my voice holding firm. “Stop being bullies and continue on with your lives. Years from now this won’t matter to you, but I promise it’ll matter to the people you gossip proudly about and make feel insignificant. It’s not worth it. Move on, focus on your own damn lives.”
Before I could see or hear their reactions, I turned around, grabbed my bag, and walked hurriedly out of the classroom, ignoring the stares from the rest of my classmates. Whatever, they’d get over it. This Monday was finally close to being over and I absolutely couldn’t wait.
I turned the corner and my shoulder immediately connected with someone’s chest. I halted, rubbed my shoulder, and looked up to mutter a half-hearted apology. Playful-filled golden irises stared at my face, laughter swimming in their depths. I felt myself smile, the stress of the day slowly disappearing as I stared into Josh’s eyes. His eyes were bright amber, begging my midnight blue ones to create a home in his.
“Are you okay?” He asked, concern mixing with a light laugh.
I nodded my head a little too enthusiastically. “Yeah, I’m good.”
I moved my eyes away from his and took a step back. He had a way of coming into my life and disappearing. Sure, I hadn’t minded, but it felt strange how quickly I could turn to mush around him. It was like my heart forgot about the time gap between our contact and went right back to wanting him like no time had passed.
“You sure?” His hand reached out and his fingertips lightly brushed against my cheek. I bit my lip to keep from reacting.
I went to lean into him when my body jolted, my mind reminding my heart of where we were — a very public, very gossip-hungry place.
I slowly pulled away, my heart aching to do the opposite. But I couldn’t. I was nowhere near ready.
His eyes narrowed in confusion before he shook his head as understanding dawned on him.
“Are appearances really that important to you?” He asked, an edge to his voice I didn’t like directed at me. He sounded more disappointed than anything, and that hurt worse.
I jerked my head quickly, answering his question as best as I could without saying anything. If I spoke, I’d probably lose it. Word vomit was my specialty when it came to situations I actually cared about.
“Do you trust me?” His lips brushed against my skin. I hadn’t realized he had stepped closer after I pulled away.
He must have read my response in my eyes because before I could verbalize my answer he was grabbing my hand and pulling me into an empty classroom. I looked around. Make that an empty art classroom. By empty, I meant of people, because aside from that the room was filled with supplies and art scattered across the area on walls and desks. I smiled, the smell of paint filling my sense as I took in a deep breath.
“There. Better?” He leaned against a desk, his arms crossing over his chest protectively. He needed protection from me? I frowned. That couldn’t have been right.
“I’m sorry. It’s just, it’s better when private moments are kept private.” I shrugged my shoulders, unsure of what else to say.
His face twisted in disbelief. A bit of disgust crossed his features before he spoke again. “Oh yeah? Is that why I’ve heard about your so-called private moments across school? Because you want your intimacy to remain intimate?”
The condescending tone of his voice made me want to crumble and disappear. His words stabbed my heart and pulled it open, yanking my regret out for him to inspect. A tear escaped from my eye and I cursed, swiping it away. He just continued to stare at me, expectantly, as he waited for me to say anything. What he wanted to hear, I had no idea, but if words were what he wanted, then words were what he was going to get.
“You’re just digging for the truth aren’t you?” I nearly screamed, my words cracking as tears blurred my vision. “You think I’m just an easy lay like the rest of them. You don’t know much about me
. You might think you know but you don’t. Sure, I might engage in some PDA at a party or let people fuel rumors about me, but that doesn’t mean my heart has ever been exposed.”
He straightened, pulling away from the desk. He took a step toward me, an apology playing on his lips. I shook my head, stepping further back.
“No. You need to let me finish. If you’re going to judge me for the life that I’ve chosen to live, then you’re less of a good guy than I thought.”
“Okay,” he rasped out.
“Okay?” I asked, a bit shell shocked at how easily he’d relented. Though, I guess I wasn’t too surprised. He really had proven himself to be one of the good guys. “You made me want something I don’t think I’ve ever wanted. I made a choice to be popular. I learned early on that things were simpler that way. I was beautiful, according to everyone else, and my life was perfect as far as they could tell, so why not? Popularity could help and that’s what I needed to do. I needed to help Jenna, my best friend.”
I paused, playing the words over in my head and deciding how I was going to get this out without sinking into the ground below my feet. I released a breath and closed my eyes. This conversation would be easier if I didn’t have to stare at his amber, compassion-filled gaze.
“She tried to commit suicide when we were in middle school.” I swallowed back a gasp, and continued. I needed to get this out. I needed him to understand that I wasn’t who they all thought I was. “People were cruel to her because, well, that part has never really been clear, but they judged her for everything. Sure, she wasn’t as thin as other girls and she wasn’t as pretty. That’s what they believed, anyway. She endured a lot and took their words, absorbing each one until she couldn’t anymore. She swears it wasn’t on purpose, but I know it was. I felt it. I can still feel it.
“Needless to say, everyone found out and after that things only got worse. Everyone had all these questions and they demanded answers like they had a right to them. They didn’t. They still don’t. So, I took away some of the negativity by trying to bring it around myself. I hooked up, added fuel to already burning rumors about myself, and hoped they’d be too preoccupied with my life to worry about hers. It helped, because people cared more about what I thought and since they knew she was my best friend, they backed off. For the most part, anyway. I’m not naive to believe it stopped completely, but I could tell she hurt a little less, and that was enough for me.”
“That doesn’t make much sense, Courtney.” His eyes were bright with unshed tears.
I shook my head, letting my tears fall freely. My heart felt like it was breaking, or maybe it was just the walls of my heart finally crumbling, my guards not as strong as they once were. They hadn’t been on alert, not since Josh. He was ruining me, but in the most extraordinary way. My heart might have felt like it was breaking, but I know it was building itself up to what it used to be, before popularity and rumors altered its space. Funny how a boy could change everything. All those sappy movies were onto something.
“Maybe not,” I whispered. “But it made sense to me. It doesn’t anymore. Not as much as it used to. Not since you. You make me want everything opposite of what I’ve had. You’re so honest and genuine. The more I’m around you, the more I don’t want to ever stop being apart of your life.”
“Yeah?” His mouth quirked up. He closed the distance between us, his hands covering either side of my face as he wiped my tears.
“Yeah.” I smiled, the heaviness of my heart leaving after the confession I had shared with him. “I’m not usually a crier, I think you should know.”
He chuckled. The sound alone stitched my heart back together and made it whole. The pain of the past, the truth without the lies, finally allowed me to breath — the pure kind, without worry.
“Don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you.” He pressed his lips to mine, giving me one of the slowest, sensual kisses I had ever experienced.
Man, what had I been missing out on?
“I’m sorry if my history, if the gossip mill made you think any less of me.” I wasn’t ashamed of it, but I didn’t want him to hold it against me either. I really did need him to understand. That mattered more than he would ever know. “No one has ever affected me the way that you do. I’ve never wanted something more than a photo op or public act for the sole purpose of fueling rumors. With you, I do. I don’t want people to talk about us because when it matters, when it’s truly important, it’s nobody else’s business.”
He nodded his head, understanding clear in the way he looked at me. “Okay.”
“Okay? That’s it?” I asked with a nervous laugh. “That’s all you're going to say.”
“For right now? Yes. I really just want to keep kissing you,” he said, pressing a deep kiss against my lips. “We can figure the rest out later. Emotional woman do things to me.”
I rolled my eyes, knowing he was joking but secretly glad he wasn’t the type to run when things got too deep. He was going to be good for me. I already knew it.
I pulled him to me, allowing his lips to distract me from the reason my mind was trying to get my heart’s attention. It was nagging, trying to warn it against this — against him — but I wouldn’t let that happen, wouldn’t lose one of the few things in my life that brought me genuine happiness. I had said what I needed to say and he didn’t and run or argue. He just listened and made me feel understood. I liked him for that. I like him a lot.
We had been hanging out, getting to know each other, and staying as much out of the public eye as we possibly could. That mostly meant making out in the empty art room. Being the president of the art club at our school, he claimed it allowed him unlimited access to the room, something he was more than excited to fill me in about. He was adorable, and I honestly had no idea where my life had been before him. It was a few days later that Josh decided to mix up our new routine.
“Hey, gorgeous.” I turned, a smile on my face as Josh walked up to me during lunch. I had been on my way to sit with Stephanie and the rest of our lunch group when he stopped me.
“Hi, handsome,” I said, a smile already beaming on my face.
Before I realized what he was doing and before I could object, his lips were molding to mine, kissing me like we hadn’t just had a really long lip-to-lip conversation that morning before school. I pressed my hands against his shoulders, smiling against his lips as I kissed him back. We communicated better without words, and unlike with past relationships, I really didn’t mind that much. Heck, I didn’t mind at all. Public displays of affection weren’t so bad when they were done with someone you actually liked.
“Mmm, I really love this part of the day,” he mumbled against my lips before slowly pulling away.
“I love this part of the day, too. You aren’t half bad to suck face with Mister Hayes.”
“Mister Hayes?” His head tilted back in an abrupt laugh. “I really shouldn’t have told you my last name.”
“Eh, I would have found out eventually.”
His fingers laced through mine, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. His eyes were focused on something behind me and an apology flashed in his eyes. Before I could question him, a tap on my shoulder pulled me from my Josh-induced haze.
I turned, a tight smile already on my face. I knew who it was before I even fully turned around.
“Hey Stephanie, lovely day we’re having, isn’t it?” I smiled at her. Her eyes were wide and curious, and I ignored the nervousness of my heart trying to get me to run.
Josh and I were still fresh, and as much as it freaked me out to go public, there wasn’t really a reason to hide our relationship anymore. Jenna was happier than she had ever been. She spent all of her time with Trevor, and as much as I wanted to interfere and confront him again, it wasn’t my place. He made a mistake, it seemed like he had learned from it. I hadn’t heard anymore talk about her since that day in class. Things were looking up, things were finally going okay for her. The only thing I needed to do was be supportive and e
njoy my own relationship. If Jenna needed me, she would tell me.
Sure she would, an insecure voice said from somewhere deep in my head.
I ignored it. I had been doing that a lot lately. I needed to step away from the fear that had controlled my life so freely and just live. This was the perfect moment to do just that.
“Didn’t you say before that you two weren’t a thing?” I nearly sneered at the smug look on her face and the fact that she was so sure of herself. It wasn’t like it was really any of her business anyway, but once you let a person in they expected you to do it over and over again. Maybe if she had been a better friend, but she was too cruel even for my liking.
I gripped Josh’s forearm, more in an act of support than anything. He gave my side a gentle squeeze, silently urging me on. He looked about as worried as I felt, but he was probably just afraid that I was going to deny our connection again.
I gently cleared my throat and turned my full attention to Stephanie. My fingers still gripped onto Josh but really that was more for extra strength than anything else. Surprisingly, I wasn’t as afraid of this moment as I would have been had it happened two months earlier.
“That’s because before we weren’t,” I said, making my voice sound as friendly as possible even while her eyes still openly criticized my position with Josh. “But we are now.”
“That’s,” she paused, casually ogling as her eyes trailed down the length of me and my man. That’s right, I said it. And I’ll say it again to anyone who asks. “Huh, well, that’s surprising.”
“Surprising?” I questioned.
“Yeah.” She smiled up at a Josh, a knowing sparkle in her eye. “He isn’t someone you usually go for.”
“Usuals get boring. We all know that.” My voice was tight. I didn’t like the way she kept glancing at him, almost challenging him to say something too.
