by Rosie C.
“Well, I’m just saying that we all know Josh really, really well.” She fluttered her lashes, probably as a way to make herself look sexy, but Josh’s eyes were plastered on mine, quietly begging me to trust him. I had no reason not to, so of course I would.
My attention turned back to Stephanie. “What are you going on about? Look, it doesn’t matter what you think because Josh and I are together and I’m actually the happiest I’ve ever been so I’m really not sure anything else matters right now.”
“No? Not even if I told you that Josh here was just like the rest of us. Well, before he turned artsy and lost.”
“What are you even talking about right now?”
“Josh used to spend his time at parties and he made sure we all knew who to go to when we needed some release.” She seemed way too pleased with herself. Still, none of what she was blabbering on about was making any sense to me.
“I would have seen him.”
“Would you? For awhile you were too preoccupied with Jenna and her issues to have any time for the rest of us.”
“She needed me. My gosh, when are you going to stop being jealous and accept the fact that I have a life outside of you and the other supposed cool kids here?”
“When you admit that we aren’t really your friends.” She rose an eyebrow in challenge. “You show up, make an appearance, and leave with your latest conquest of the night. You don’t really stick around much.”
“Okay?”
I looked over at Josh in confusion. His fingers had loosened on my hip when Steph started talking about him. That didn’t make any sense. He looked guilty. What the heck was happening right now?
Stephanie’s hands moved to her waist, her stance changing from threatening to sympathetic in the span of a step.
“I know you know about the bet the guys tried to make with Trevor.” She went on before I could interject. “Yeah, he told us. That boy is seriously hooked. Anyway, Josh used to be at all the same parties we were at, and he would have his own laughs about Jenna.”
Confusion. That’s all I felt. None of this was making any sense. It had to be some sort of joke. Nothing was fitting — there were too many pieces scattered to understand. I took a step away from him. My brain was doing its best to play catch up while my heart yearned for it not to be true.
Had Josh really been one of the people to gossip about my best friend? What would he have gained from it? A good time? A chuckle? He wasn’t the type. Not my Josh. He was artistic, kind, and gorgeous. He wasn’t the jerk-infested picture she was trying to make him out to be.
“I don’t know what you had to drink today but you have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, Court.” She crooned in a voice too sweet. “You really have no idea, do you? I’ll let your ‘boyfriend’ explain it to you.”
She used air quotes when she called Josh my boyfriend. I narrowed my eyes on her as a small panic started to grow in my chest. I watched numbly as she walked away, a sway in her hips showing just how unaffected she was with the conversation we just had.
I turned to Josh, a light laugh escaping as I spoke. “What was that? Weird.”
He cleared his throat and nodded his head one too many times. “Yeah, weird.”
“Was there any truth to what she said? I mean, I’m sure you’ve hooked up with a few girls, obviously, you’re super attractive, but about the other stuff?”
He just stared at me, a million apologies taking over his face.
“Josh, please say something, and wipe that look off your face. Steph is jealous and obviously had a thing for you. I’m not jealous, just, do you know why she would say those things? I really can’t wrap my head around it.”
He cleared his throat for the second time in under a minute. If that wasn’t a red flag then I’m not sure what was. Still, my chest blossomed with hope when he stepped closer to me and gripped my hands in his. I released a sigh of relief. Of course she had been wrong. The fact that I had even considered there being some truth behind her jealous tactics was ridiculous. I was better than that, and more importantly Josh and I were better than that.
“Courtney.” I watched as he nervously swallowed, his hands gripping mine tighter. “I need you to hear me out.”
I knew. With those few words and no explanation given, I knew. I shook my head and yanked my hands from his. He pulled me fiercely back to him. “No, just no. You’ve got to be freaking kidding me right now.”
“Damnit, just hear me out, all right?”
My eyes narrowed to slits. But I would do it, I would listen to his excuse because he hadn’t done anything yet not to deserve that. He was a good guy, possibly the only good guy I had ever given my heart to. Wait, what. Okay, maybe not fully, but I had definitely thought about handing it over once or twice.
He took my silence as a way to continue. I stood there, stared at him, and prayed that by some miracle my heart wouldn’t break by the time I got home. We were just starting to really get to know each other. It couldn’t end before it could fully get started. Sadly, life had other plans.
“Courtney, I care about you. A lot.” He closed his eyes briefly and released a deep, slow breath. It was like he was mentally preparing himself for the bombshell he was about to throw. My chest tightened. I really hated this.
“Just tell me. Prolonging it isn’t going to change the truth.”
“You’re right.” He nodded, his thumbs caressing circles on my skin. “I knew who you were when we met. How could I not? You were this gorgeous, unattainable girl I had always heard about. Before I began putting myself into art, I did it in other ways. I would party, hook up, play jokes on people. I wasn’t as nice as I am now.”
“So, you definitely hooked up with Stephanie?” I couldn’t keep the jealousy out of my tone.
“Not her, but someone she knew. I don’t know why she insinuated otherwise just now.”
“Okay.” I pulled on my bottom lip. “Where does Jenna fit into this?”
“Before I knew who you or she was, she was just someone we’d all talk about when the alcohol set in. It’s messed up, but she was a topic to pass the time. Someone we were all curious about.”
“You’re right. That is messed up. Joking about someone’s mental health and their attempt to escape is a hilarious discussion. Not.”
“Courtney, I was an ass. I had a lot of my own stuff going on and hanging out with those guys provided a distraction I very much needed.”
“A distraction from what?” My voice rose. He flinched and a small part of me felt bad, but I needed to know the truth, needed to make sense of it. “Gossiping about someone else to make your own life feel better is one of the most childish things anyone can do. No matter what you were going through, judging someone else for how they handled their own issues is horrible. That’s not the Josh I’ve grown to know and love.”
“You love me?” His eyes lit up and a smile began to form on his face. I pulled my hands away and halted his excitement.
“Not right now I don’t.”
Just as quickly as it appeared, his hope faded. He looked worried, afraid even.
“I can’t excuse the way I was, but I’m not that guy anymore. You know me.”
“Do I? Sure, who you are very much matters, but what you went through to get to this point matters just as much. To me, at least. I’ve been so honest with you, Josh. Why couldn’t you do the same?”
“Because I was afraid of this.” He raked his fingers through his hair, pulling at the ends. “I was afraid of what would happen when we finally had this conversation, and let me tell you this was not how I saw it happening. But Court? You haven’t been completely honest with me either.”
“Don’t try to turn this around on me to make yourself feel better. I didn’t think you’d be that pitiful.” I held up my hand, cutting him off as soon as he opened his mouth again to speak. “I’ve been as honest with you as I ever have with anyone else. I’m not going to spill all my secrets to you at once — that
’s a gradual thing. I can’t even believe you’d try to use that as a sort of bargaining chip now.”
“I just don’t understand why something I did before I even really knew who you were matters so much.”
“It doesn’t. Not really. But you should have told me when you figured it out because then it would have saved us from having this conversation and I wouldn’t be this mad at you.”
“Why are you even mad? Sure, I talked smack about a girl I didn’t know. We’ve all done it. It’s not like I did it again.”
I frowned. It wasn’t like what he was saying wasn’t making any sense. It was. “I know that, okay?”
“Then what are you really mad about?” He demanded, his voice cracking at the end.
“That day Stephanie came up to us when you and I had literally just started talking, you two acted like you didn’t know each other. Why?”
“I didn’t really think about it.” He shrugged and even though his glossed over amber eyes were begging me to melt, I couldn't. Not yet. “And I didn’t really know her, I just said that. Sure, I knew of her and we had hung out in the same circles before, when you weren’t around, but that’s it. She wasn’t important enough to waste any more time on. None of them were.”
“I want to be mad at you but I really can’t fault you for who you were before we met,” I said. My heart and mind were in the middle of battling it out, but I didn’t have time to wait for them to come to an agreement. “I was an entirely different person before I had you, too. Well, I pretended to be.”
He let out a sigh of relief and reached for me, his arms circling around my body and protectively pressing it against his. I wrapped myself around him and buried my face in the crook of his neck, my own relief mirroring his.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful for anything in my life,” he whispered against my temple.
“What? Making up?” I smiled against his chest, burrowing closer.
“No,” he said. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful for someone like you.”
I bit my bottom lip and closed my eyes, letting myself get lost in the comfort that was Josh. Somewhere along the way he had become my own form of love. It isn’t something I ever thought I’d have. Not for real, anyway. I had had relationships, sure, but none of them had a damn thing on this. No, this was home. Josh was home. He made forever feel possible.
It was one emotional moment after the next. Something must have been in the water, that was really the only way to explain it. The only time people were this emotional with me was around the holiday seasons.
After our mini lunch fight slash makeup session, Josh and I waved goodbye and went on with our separate school lives. When the final bell of the day rang, Josh passed me on his way to the art room, gave me the sloppiest kiss known to anyone, and went on his way like he hadn’t just kissed the lipstick off my face. He did have a giant smirk on his face as he walked away, so I was willing to bet he knew exactly what he had done and the effect it definitely had on my teenage heart. I clenched my hands together and nearly skipped to my mom’s bakery.
The whole way there, I replayed our moments in my head and smiled at how incredible falling for someone could be. I was finally figuring out what people had been blabbering on about in movies, books, and songs. I was finally experiencing all of their lovesickness firsthand. And let me tell you, it most definitely was what it was cracked up to be.
I opened the glass doors to Summer Your Tummy Pastries and smiled at the regulars sitting at their usual places, stuffing their faces full of Mrs. Summers delicious creations. Seriously, my mother was a wizard when it came to baking. I had no idea how she had the patience for it but when I had once asked, she just explained that it calmed her and gave her something to do that would keep her hands busy and make others happy. I really had to admire her for that.
“Hey, mom,” I said when I spotted her behind the counter. I walked up and placed my arms against the wooden setup, leaning in to give her a peck on the cheek.
“Hi, sweetheart, I didn’t expect to see you in today. You hardly visit anymore,” she said, giving me a look that said all the words she wouldn’t out loud. Not in front of customers, anyway.
“I know, mom, I’ve just been busy with school and keeping my social life semi intact.”
“Would your sudden absence these past few months possibly be because of a boy?”
I couldn’t keep the smile from forming on my face. So, I just nodded and hoped I didn’t look like a complete tomato. “Possibly. I’ll have to introduce you to him one day.”
She placed her hands on her hips. “I sure hope so. I really would like to meet the young man who has been stealing all of my daughter’s free time.”
“Don’t worry. He’s a good influence, I promise.” I assured her. She really did have nothing to worry about. Josh was as picture perfect of a boyfriend as any parent would want for their child.
“All right, if you say so.” When her smile slipped from her face I couldn’t help but notice the dark circles around her eyes or the worry lines on her forehead that hadn’t been there the last time I spoke to her.
She looked sad, almost worried. I thought back to that day before school awhile back when she looked about ready to break down in front of me. She wasn’t the type of person to put her troubles on other people, even if they were her own family. She liked to stand on her own, and although that was admirable I really hoped she would talk to me about what was going on in her life.
“Is everything okay with you?” I took a risk by asking, but I wouldn’t have been able to go on with my day if I hadn’t.
Her lips moved into a small frown. A piece of my heart broke at the sight of it. I couldn’t pinpoint a day in my life where my mother was ever sad. She was happy, put together, and near-perfect, it was incredible at times. Her head shook slowly. I swallowed back a clog in my throat and nodded.
“Will you tell me about it? When you get home tonight?” I was almost pleading with her, but I didn’t really know how else to approach the situation. She was my mom and she needed me, so of course I’d be there in any way I could — in any way she’d allow me.
“Sure, sweetie,” she gave me a sad smile and squeezed my hand. “Why don’t you head home and we can talk about it all then?”
“Okay, I’m going to hold you to that.”
I watched as she went back to work and hoped she’d be more than one hundred percent honest with me. I hated feeling powerless, especially when it came to people I cared about.
I was sitting back on my bed, flipping through different television channels, when my cell rang beside me. I smiled at the name that lit up the screen.
“Hey Jenna bean, to what do I owe the pleasure?”
Her laugh made me smile. Her happiness was something that had always been long overdue. “I just wanted to talk. We haven’t really seen each other in awhile.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean.” I sat up straighter and turned the volume to zero. “How have things been at home?”
I heard her breathe a deep sigh into the phone. That couldn’t have meant anything good. “They’ve been the same as always. I try to avoid being here as much as possible, and Trevor is a big help in that. He’s been like my saving grace since things started getting worse.”
“How much worse are they, Jenna?” I tried to keep the worry out of my voice, but there was no hiding the fear I felt at the thought of her situation being any worse than it had been before — than it already was.
“They just aren’t good.” I heard her sniffle and I wished with everything that I could reach through the phone and pull her to me. “I don’t know how to make them any better. I really just don’t understand why they hate me, ya know? It’s always been a messed up situation but I’m hoping now more than ever that I can escape it soon. I can’t keep living like this.”
“You always have a home here, whenever you’re ready. You know that.” We’d had this conversation a handful of times before,
but she hadn’t ever been one hundred percent sure about leaving her parents. I mean, as badly as they sucked, they were still her mom and dad.
“Yeah, I know.” She sniffled and another piece of my heart cracked for her. “I love you, Court.”
“Love you too, Jenna bean.”
I stared at the photo above my desk. My mom snapped it of me and Jenna when we decided to dress up as pop stars one halloween. We were both laughing and holding onto each other. For as long as I could remember, she had been my rock, the one person outside of my family I knew I’d always be able to count on.
I turned at the soft knocking sound coming from my door. I walked over and slowly opened it, my chest pounding at the look of devastation on my mother’s face. She gave me an apologetic smile and I shook my head, stopping her from the verbal apology she was sure to give me next. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and held me against her. Her head rested against my chest as she cried. Her tears fell onto my skin and with each drop I struggled to keep myself composed. My mother wasn’t one to break, so when she did I knew I had no other choice than to remain strong. She didn’t need me to break, she needed me to stand tall for her. And that’s what I was going to do. Because really, what other choice did I have?
I gently pulled away from her and looked into her eyes, trying to comprehend what it was she was feeling and why she hadn’t wanted to tell me until tonight.
“Mom, you have to talk to me,” I told her, my voice cracking on every word. “What’s going on?”
She wiped her tears and straightened her shoulders. She looked like she was mentally readying herself for the secret she was finally going to share with me. I honestly don’t think anything would have prepared me for the shock that would come with her confession.
“Your father and I have been having some problems,” she said, pausing to release a shaky breath. “A lot of them, if I’m going to be completely honest with you.”
I blinked several times. I expected her to continue, to share more details, and to answer every question forming inside my mind. Instead she stared at me with a look of worry and absolute devastation. She twisted her hands together and slowly began crying again, tears streaming from her eyes like rain down a window.
