by Rosie C.
As badly as I wanted to cry with her, I knew I needed to get answers and that I needed to keep myself composed for her. No good would come out of the both of us being messes.
“What sort of problems?” I asked, trying to keep the shock and accusation out of my tone. “You two have been perfect since before I was born, and I haven’t noticed a change. I don’t understand what you’re trying to say to me right now. I feel like there’s more you’re not sharing.”
Her eyes closed for the briefest of seconds and when she looked at me again, they were filled with even more sadness than before. But her tears had stopped, and that honestly worried me more.
“We love you and we wouldn’t fight in front of you because it wouldn’t have been fair to put you through that. Our problems are our own and they have nothing to do with you, Courtney. You’re the brightest light we’ve ever had in our lives, and we are so incredibly blessed to have you. I don’t want you to ever doubt that sweetheart.”
I nodded, unshed tears clogging my throat and heating my eyes. I tried to swallow them back but the action only made it worse. Unwanted tears fell from the corners of my eyes and I cursed myself for not being stronger.
My mother sighed and reached out to wipe them. I shook my head and took a small step away from her. I needed her to finish telling me the truth. Half truths never did anyone ever good. Eventually the other half came out and when both parts of the truth connected, there was no changing it regardless. So, why put off the inevitable?
“Sweetheart, my sweet Courtney, we fell out of love.” Her eyes were shining with tears she looked to be holding back. “I don’t know when it happened, but we’ve tried to find our spark again and it just isn’t there. Believe me, it breaks my heart to even think that way, but there’s not other way to describe it. We just aren’t in love anymore.”
“How do you fall out of love after so many years of being together? I don’t understand. I really don’t. Things have been okay lately.”
She reached out and squeezed my hand, her eyes saddening with each word she confessed. “Have they, Courtney? Think about it, sweetheart.”
I shook my head, trying to fight the reality-filled memories invading my mind. My father hadn’t been around much — or even at all — and my mother had been sad, if not a little lonely, these past few months. They rarely shared more than a peck on the lips or even exchanged more than a few words. Had I been so engrossed in my life outside of this family that I failed to see what had been happening right in front of me?
“Mom.” I croaked. “Please don’t give up on him. It could just be a rough patch, right? I mean, this happens when people are together for so long. It’s completely normal, so no big deal. You two can go to counseling and find your love again. It’ll be fine, it has to be.”
“I wish it were that simple. We’ve exhausted every option under the sun and instead of helping, everything we’ve tried has only made us realize that we need to live our lives separate from one another. For awhile, at least. We’ll see what happens in a few more months before making any concrete decisions.”
“Where is dad now then?”
“He rented an apartment downtown. He would be here now but he’s a strong man, it was too difficult for him to even think about having this conversation with you. I’m sure when he’s ready that he’ll reach out to you.”
“Reach out to me?” I yelled, my heart thumping loudly in my ears. “I’m his daughter, he shouldn’t be so afraid to talk to me about this. We should have sat down as a family, like we always have.”
“He’s hurting too, sweetie. It was just too difficult for him.”
“If you’re both hurting so much, then why don’t you stay together?”
“Because we hurt more when we’re together than we do when we’re apart and that isn’t how a marriage should be.” She wiped her tears and pulled me in for another hug. Her arms wrapped tightly around my body and I let myself sob into her shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Courtney.”
I cried even harder at that. She was comforting me when her heart was shattering from losing the one person she had ever loved. She looked more broken when she first told me than she did now that she was comforting me. She would explain later that it was because she was worried about breaking my heart the way that hers was breaking too. She promised I wouldn’t lose either one of them though, no matter what problems they were having.
Life had a funny way of balancing itself out. I was happy and falling for a good guy, but at the same time my entire world felt like it was falling apart. How did that even work? I had no idea. All I knew was that I needed to escape and forget, and there was one way I knew how.
I had been itching for this moment since the moment my mother told me she and my father were no longer in love and that there was basically nothing anyone could do to change that. My body was buzzing with anticipation at the opportunity to let loose and allow social, no-worries Courtney take control. What better way than a Friday night high school party with liquid warm beer and mainstream pop music?
It also helped that Jenna, the best friend that she was, was more than open to letting loose too. Apparently she and Trevor were on the rocks, or something. I honestly wasn’t too sure, but I did know she was ready to have a good time and I absolutely couldn’t wait.
Unfortunately, the minute we walked into the party, people had already started snubbing Jenna and whispering behind our backs. I narrowed my eyes on each and every one of them. Some glared back while others quickly looked away in what looked a lot like a mixture of fear and embarrassment. I wasn’t in the mood for their cattiness tonight. All I wanted was to have fun and forget about the crumbling of my once-perfect world.
Jenna tried to convince me that showing up wasn’t a good idea. I shot her down faster than she could object again. We were there to have a good time, so a grand old time we were damn sure going to have. Besides, the party was at Ben’s house and if anyone pissed me off, I was sure he wouldn’t care if I kicked them out myself. He was too preoccupied getting drunk somewhere and probably hooking up with someone who wasn’t Stephanie, his supposed girlfriend and my sort of friend.
Things had calmed down on the gossip mill since my confrontation with Trevor about his plan to use Jenna and provide information to the football team. They had some sick fascination with being cruel to others, and it satisfied them when said others were train-wrecked by the middle of the week. I wouldn’t let that be Jenna. Not again. They wouldn’t get off on her fear, humiliation, or past mistakes. She was better than them and one day they would all know it too.
Stephanie walked up to us and her eerily sweet tone was cringe worthy at best. Still, I didn’t let it show. Instead I smiled, bumped hips with her, and gulped the rest of the beer I couldn’t remember grabbing. She had a look on her face that I wanted nothing more than to slap off. But again, I was playing nice. If she took it any further though, I couldn’t guarantee I wouldn’t toss my next drink in her face.
Stephanie practically sneered at Jenna. I rolled my eyes, already annoyed with her, so I tuned her out and let my eyes roam the party. I spotted Josh standing in the corner of the room with a group of people. Most of them were girls and my heart panged around in my chest at the sight of him happy and carefree with someone else, especially while my heart was currently breaking in more directions than I could handle. I grabbed a nearby bottle of Bacardi, opened it, and swallowed a gulp. Liquid courage would need to be my savior tonight. There was no other was I was going to get through this. I poured some into a cup for later purposes.
“That’s Alyssa, a friend from his English class,” Stephanie said to Jenna. Her voice was way too cheery, and that got my attention. I forced my eyes to leave Josh and turned to focus on my best friend.
Jenna’s chest was heaving up and down and her hands were starting to tremble. I reached down and gave one of them a gentle squeeze, letting her know that I was there. She didn’t react. Her eyes were trained on Trevor as he spoke to some other girl ac
ross the room. I’ll admit, they definitely looked cozy, but that wasn’t any reason for her to get upset. What had Stephanie told her to make her so upset?
“He hasn’t mentioned her to you?” I asked Jenna, keeping my voice low enough for only her to hear.
She shook her head with a sad smile. “Nope. But it would explain why he’s been acting strange lately.”
That was surprising. And it was the first time I was hearing about it. I honestly thought they were in a good place; I had only found out shortly before the party that they were having issues. Was I too engrossed in my own issues, in my own love life that I didn’t know what was going on in my best friend’s life? I hated that thought. I was always there when she needed me, but where had I been lately? Not as there for her as I should have been, that was becoming more clear with each revelation she shared tonight.
Ben came and commented on the hotness of the stranger flirting with Trevor and my best friend turned to leave. I smacked his arm before running after her. I gently grabbed her arm and turned her toward me.
“Oh no you don’t. You have two options,” I said, hoping my voice sounded stronger than I felt. I was scared, scared that she’d find out the truth and that her pain would be my fault since I knew about Trevor’s true colors for what felt like months now.
I’m not sure what I said to her, but she agreed to stay and have a good time. We both turned just in time to see Trevor wrap his arms around the pretty, petite blonde girl. It looked innocent enough, they were just hugging, but Jenna’s face crumbled before setting into some sort of resolve. She finished off her own drink before tearing mine from my hands. My eyes widening in surprise as she finished off the near-full cup.
I smiled at her, hoping to give her added encouragement. For what? Who knew. I just wanted her to have a good time and forget about the guy whose first intentions were to use and betray her. Maybe he hadn’t changed much after all.
We moved into the kitchen area and as I turned to grab some shot glasses from the cupboard, a familiar heat pressed up against my back. I bit my lip, knowing who it was. I couldn’t deal with him though, not when Jenna needed me. I gently pushed him back and turned to face him. I was about to say something but from just over his shoulder I spotted Jenna bravely approach a guy and practically maul him. I inwardly cheered, a smile the size of Texas taking over my face.
Light, feather-like kisses peppered the side of my face and I groaned at the intimacy of it. The rest of the room disappeared as my eyes latched onto Josh’s golden hues. I gripped the front of his shirt and smiled up at him.
“Those girls weren’t doing it for you?” I slurred, jealousy noticeable in my tone.
He smirked and shook his head, placing a soft kiss against the side of my neck. “Are you jealous, my fiercely confident girl?”
I narrowed my eyes at the amusement in his tone. “Don’t mock me. Of course I’m jealous.”
I pouted, not caring about how whiney I sounded. Maybe it was the alcohol taking effect, but the hurt had lessened and lust filled its place. I placed my hands on Josh’s shoulders and my hands curved against his body. I bit my bottom lip, sloppily staring up at him.
“You’re drunk is what you are,” he said with a laugh. His hands grabbed mine and wrapped my arms around his neck. I leaned my head against his chest, releasing a dream-like sigh.
How could one boy that I was still getting to know have such an impact on my heart and body so soon? Maybe it was true what some people said: time really doesn’t matter when you’re falling for someone because when you know, you know. And whenever I was with him, I knew. I just didn’t know I could feel this strongly about another person. Josh had came out of nowhere, and if I were to be completely honest with myself, I didn’t stand a chance against him. Since that first day, I think I always knew.
I shrugged, a happy smile on my face, as I nuzzled his chest. “Mhm, but I’m happy. With you I’m happy.”
“Yeah?” He asked, his hands pulling me tighter against him.
“Yeah.” I nodded. “You make me forget about the bad in my life, about needing to be perfect all the time. You make me feel like who I am without the false perfection is enough.”
“You are enough.” He whispered against my temple. “And you’re perfect to me. You’re perfect for me, Courtney.”
I sighed, completely content to stay this way forever. With his arms wrapped around me anything was possible. I had forgotten why I had been upset with him in the first place. My insecurities and worries all faded when he pressed his lips to mine.
I would have stayed there all night, the screaming voices coming from Jenna and Trevor pulled me out of my heart and forced me back into reality. I could barely make out what they were saying, but I knew it wasn’t going to be any good.
My eyes widened when I saw another guy, the one Jenna had been flirting with, step up to Trevor and say, “After all the shit you’ve said about her? It sure doesn’t seem like it.”
I shoved against Josh’s chest as fear quickly replaced the happiness I had been feeling a second before.
He placed his hands on either side of my face. He looked worried. I just kept shaking my head. My body was numbing and it wasn’t from the alcohol, it was because I was frightened to the core about the revelation I knew was about to happen.
“Courtney, what’s wrong?” His voice was filled with concern and I didn’t have the heart to tell him what a horrible friend I had been or that he was about to think less of the girl he called perfect a couple minutes before.
Instead, I continued to shake my head and walked outside to where I had seen Trevor and Jenna escape to. I needed to know what he going to say to her. I stood just outside the door, keeping my distance from where they stood. My head was buzzing. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but I could tell that it wasn’t good. Jenna looked more devastated than I had ever seen her. Betrayal would do that to a person. My heart pounded against my chest and I felt it rip into pieces. I clutched my stomach, fear lodging itself in the pit of my gut.
I stood and watched, not really sure of what to do. In the blink of an eye Jenna was on her knees sobbing uncontrollably. I fought back my own tears. I had done this to her. Trevor wrapped his arms around her, but it only seemed to make the situation worse. I needed to step in. I couldn’t stand back and watch as my best friend’s heart broke while the person responsible — aside from me — held her like he had done nothing wrong.
“What the hell did you do to her?” My voice held strong, though I still felt anything but fierce in that moment.
“I told her the truth,” Trevor said. His eyes looked as broken as I felt.
I nodded in understanding and hoped that Jenna could find it in her heart to forgive me.
Jenna stared at me with tears streaming down her face and a look of betrayal frightfully stronger than the friendship we had. It was the first time she had ever looked at me that way. I swallowed over the dodgeball in my throat and readied myself.
“You knew?” She screamed at me. I flinched at the force of it. “Explain yourself.”
Courtney, you did this to yourself. I’m sure if you explain she’ll understand. She has to. She’s your best friend. I repeated those same lines a few times over in my head before replying.
“It isn’t as bad as you think, Jenna,” Trevor addressed her and gave me cautious side eye. Yeah, he definitely wasn’t helping as much as he thought he was.
“He wasn’t supposed to take it this far,” I said, taking a deep breath. Tears begged to fall from my eyes, but I held them back. “You needed someone. You needed love. More than the kind that I could give to you. I didn’t know at first. I found out a couple of months after you had already fallen for him. He was good for you, and he had stopped giving the guys details about you. He wasn’t the same guy he was when he agreed to dig through your skeletons. He loves you, Jenna.”
I was being honest and that was really all I could be in that moment. Lies, no matter how small, had the power
to ruin someone’s whole heart. I hated that I would be part of the reason for that. Had I been honest with her and told her about his betrayal when I first found out it might have saved her from heartache. Maybe. Or maybe letting her feel love before this would make it easier for her to get it back. Judging by the determined look on Trevor’s face I was betting he wasn’t going to give up on her any time soon. As badly as this whole situation sucked, I had no doubt she’d still get her happy ending.
“Are you serious right now?” Jenna’s voice was filled with disgust. I flinched back. “What I needed was for my best friend to not betray me.”
I tried to explain how I wanted her to be happy, but she wasn’t having it. From her standpoint she had been doing better. I couldn’t hold back my own fear.
“You tried to kill yourself!” My whole body trembled as the words left my mouth.
She shook her head and tried to convince me that since it was five years ago it didn’t matter. But she mentioned how people were still cruel to her, despite her pain without them making it worse.
Trevor and I went back and forth, taking turns to make her see our side of things. She wasn’t having any of it. And I really couldn’t blame her. I would have reacted the same way if I were in her shoes. After everything else she had already been through, having the two people closest to her keep something this monumental from her wasn’t going to make things any easier.
Trevor tried to defend me. I couldn’t stand there any longer while my best friend looked at me with more disappointment than I could handle. I wiped the stray tears from my face and turned to leave the party in the opposite direction. I made it down the street. Walking home alone at that time of night wasn’t a smart idea but I really had no other choice. I was embarrassed and I was sad. Two emotions I wasn’t used to feeling, but ironically I had been feeling them more within these past few days than any other time in my life.
