by Rosie C.
A gentle hand gripped the side of my arm. I turned, a glare in place. It quickly faded into tears when I was met with Josh’s sympathetic eyes. I slammed into his chest and curled up as closely as possible. His hands smoothed down my hair and his lips peppered light kisses against the side of my face. His thumbs swiped away each tear as they fell. I didn’t deserve his kindness. I was a terrible person and he was one of the good ones. I’m sure that come Monday news would spread about what had happened and he would know the truth about me. And then he would leave. He deserved better than me. He had to know that. I would tell him. I would let him go. But for now I was going to be selfish and hold onto him as tightly as I could for as long as possible.
That night, I let him love me in a way that no one else ever had. When our bodies joined it was more than two teenagers fulfilling some hormonal need. It was two people melding their souls together for the first time.
I spent the weekend trying to get ahold of Jenna, who unsurprisingly ignored my calls and left my texts unread. I rolled over to face Josh. Since Friday night we had been inseparable. My mother was away at a spa, much to my encouragement. It meant she would finally be able to relax and that I could spend some alone time with Josh before all hell broke loose Monday morning at school.
He reached over and caressed the side of my face before resting his hand against the curve of my neck.
“Come here.” He mumbled and pulled my face closer to his. His lips moved against mine and I groaned at the small contact.
I pulled away and stretched out my limbs. I was in a state of bliss. Sure, my whole world was crumbling all around me but I was happy. Josh made it easy to live. He made hope feel possible, even during a time when I should have been breaking down. With him I was finding it easier to breath. I didn’t care about appearances or my reputation. Life was complicated enough without me putting my dignity on the line. I was learning that as long as I stayed true to myself everything else would fall into place, with or without me being the quote unquote perfect girl.
“Thank you for this weekend,” I said against his neck. I moved my body closer to his side and his arms held me securely in place. My heartbeat was frantic. I don’t think I had ever been this content.
“I wouldn’t have wanted to spend it with anyone else.” His fingers drew random lines along my bare skin.
“I’m sorry for being drunk and jealous last week.” I swallowed back my pride. “I have a lot going on and the insecure side of me that I’m usually really good at keeping hidden decided to come out.”
“Don’t worry about it, my gorgeous blue-eyed girl.” He pressed a kiss just beneath my right eye. “I want to know every part of you, and that includes the drunk and jealous side.”
My body further relaxed at his words. He really was a decent guy, one probably way too good for me but as long as he wanted me back I wasn’t going anywhere.
We must have dozed off because sometime later I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing on my bedside table. I reached over and saw I had a missed call and text from Jenna. She wanted to meet. I took a deep breath and penned back a quick response. I stood up and threw on an outfit I had already laid out for the day.
“Where are you headed?” Josh sat up on the bed and eyed me curiously.
“Jenna wants to meet.” I turned to face him once I was fully clothed and clutched my phone in my hand for support. I could wait until tomorrow to tell him or I could do it now and get it over with. He was going to find out eventually, so it might as well have been from me.
“What’s wrong?” His brows pulled together in confusion and I leaned over to kiss the spot between his eyes. His face relaxed instantly and he gripped the back of my head, planting a wet kiss to my lips.
I pulled away, laughing. “You’re too much sometimes, but I love it.”
“Yeah?” His hands trailed down my arms before gripping my hands in his. He planted another sloppy kiss to my mouth. “Well, I love you, Courtney.”
My eyes widened in surprise. It was the first time anyone had said those three simple words to me. None of the other guys I had been with were ever connected to me on the level that Josh already was. My vision blurred with unshed tears and I shook my head, leaning in to give him a long, meaningful kiss.
“Well, I love you too, Josh,” I said against his lips. I felt him smile against me.
“Now why did you look worried before?”
“I hurt my best friend, Jenna. I should have been honest with her and I wasn’t, and now I’m pretty sure she hates me.”
He cleared his throat and his eyes turned sincere. “I witnessed your interaction at the party. Sometimes we hurt the people we care about when we’re trying to protect them. That doesn’t make you a bad person, it only makes you human. She’ll forgive you, but you’ve gotta forgive yourself first.”
I wiped at the tears coating my face. “I never used to cry this much. What are you doing to me?”
“Making you feel.” He was so sure of himself. He was the right amount of confident without treading into cocky territory. “We still have a lot to learn about one another but I look forward to all the time I get to spend with you. I don’t mind giving you my present and future, Courtney. I want you to have all of it.”
I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him hard.
“You’re incredible, you know that?” I said against his lips, kissing him with as much force as I could. “I’ll see you later. I’ve got a best friend to win back.”
Jenna was sitting on her favorite bench at her favorite park. I wasn’t really sure when it had started but it had given her peace for as long as I could remember. It was one of the few places she could really come to escape. As soon as I spotted her wild, wavy brunette locks I ran as quickly as I could and jumped on her just as she stood. How she kept her balance I’m not really sure, but she patted my back.
“Yeah. I missed you, too,” she said with a laugh.
She didn’t sound mad, she just sounded like Jenna. I pulled away to look at her and started to cry. She didn’t deserve for me to lie by omission. I should have been honest from the beginning and that was one hundred percent my mistake.
“I’m so sorry Jenna bean,” I said through blurry eyes.
“I forgave you the second it happened, even if I hadn’t realized it myself,” she said with a crack in her voice. She started to cry too and soon we were both blubbering messes of tears and forgiveness.
I continued to explain my side of the story, not that I could really defend my actions, but I needed to try. Jenna just nodded and continued to shower me with her forgiveness. Best friends were amazing.
I was getting ready to say goodbye and let her enjoy her solo time at the park, since it was probably her favorite thing to do, when I noticed a few marks on her inner arm. My heart began to pound and blood rushed to my ears in worry. I had seen those marks on her before, they weren’t anything new, but seeing them now when I thought she was finally coming into a good place broke my heart all over again.
“Jenna, what did you do?” My voice was barely above a whisper.
She tried to convince me it was worse than it looked by moving her arm around. I narrowed my tear-blurred eyes on her.
“I thought you had stopped,” I said, trying to keep the worry and hurt out of my tone.
She assured me she was fine and that Trey had no part in it. The only reason that pissed me off was because seeing as how he spent more time with her than I did, he should have been looking after her.
“I really am okay, Court.” She assured me.
“Just promise me you’ll get help.” I pleaded. There was nothing I could do. She needed to want to help herself, and once she did she would be able to start the process of healing.
“I promise.”
My body sagged in relief. I wrapped her in a hug and vowed to be the most incredible best friend I could be. I should have told her about Josh, but she had her own stuff going on. I knew she’d be happy for me but I didn’t wan
t this to be about me, I wanted it to be about her. She deserved all of the support in the world right now and I would help give it to her.
A lot had changed since that day Jenna and I made up at the park. Even more had altered since my relationship with Josh continued to grow into something much more than either one of us expected it to. I mean, nowadays at seventeen years old, was it really possible to find the person your heart was meant to be with? I didn’t really know, but it sure felt like my soul had found its match in Josh’s.
Still, I was back to keeping it a secret from Jenna — keeping it a secret from everyone really. I didn’t want the drama that inevitably followed when people made their private lives public. Once you fully let people in on your personal life, they took it as an unlimited invitation to invade your life and scrutinize every move you made. I had experienced that on my own as an individual and I really didn’t want the same thing to happen to Josh. He was sweet and private. He was so content with life you’d think he’d never had a bad day before. Of course he had, but he just didn’t let it get to him like some other people. Ahem, people like me.
Josh’s arms wrapped around me from behind and I gripped his forearms, holding them against my chest. His chin rested on the top of my head and his hands moved to grip mine.
“This is more than I ever thought it would be,” I said. A feeling of awe was running through my veins. “Where did you come from? I mean, how did this even happen?”
“Well that’s simple.” He sounded so sure, he always did. “We weren’t searching for each other, we just found one another when it was our time to love.”
I shook my head, a cheesy smile taking up my entire face, as I said, “You’re so cheesy and I love it. I swear, I never thought you’d be like this.”
“I wasn’t before. I guess you bring out the best of me.”
I pressed a kiss against his fingers. “You bring out the best of me too. You make being myself easier than it’s ever been. I can’t thank you enough for that.”
He cleared his throat. “I understand why you want to keep our relationship private, but I’d really like to take you out on a proper date. Being cooped up in each other’s room isn’t a way to have a relationship.”
I slowly pulled away and turned to face him, keeping his hands in mine. “I know that, but can’t we wait until after the Summer? School’s ending soon anyway. We can shock them all then.”
He didn’t look happy about that. He shook his head, irritated with me.
“I don’t want to be your dirty little secret, Courtney,” he said, pulling his hands from the clasps of mine.
“You’re not.” I denied. “You can’t be serious right now. Things have been going so well, why are you going to ruin it?”
“I’m not the one ruining it.” He slid his fingers through his hair angrily. “I’m trying to show off my girlfriend and go on real dates but she doesn’t want anyone to know about us. What does that sound like to you?”
I flinched back, shaking my head the entire time he spoke. He had a point, I know he did. But I couldn’t bring myself to agree. Once I did, he’d want to parade us around and I wasn’t ready for that. Why? Well, the answer to that was really simple. I just didn’t think he’d like it.
“I understand why you’re frustrated but keeping it to ourselves for a few more months isn’t going to hurt anybody.”
“Really?” His eyes widened. “Well, it’s going to hurt me. I don’t like this, Court. I really don’t.”
My eyes heated with unshed tears. “I really don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Yeah, well, when you figure it out let me know.” He shook his head in disgust. My chest ached at the sight. We rarely fought and when we did it was never over something as big as this. “You know where to find me.”
I watched as he walked away from me and as the door slammed behind him. I closed my eyes and a few tears streamed down my face. Why did I suck so bad at this? Of course I wanted to show him off to the world and I wanted him to show me off too. I was just afraid. My parents had the perfect marriage until they didn’t and even though we were only dating it didn’t stop me from wanting to do everything in my power to keep from ending up like them. They were in love for so long that how they were able to continue with their lives without the other was baffling to me. I didn’t understand. I wanted a happily ever after without all of the pain. But with beauty comes pain, isn’t that what they all say?
I sat on the couch in the living room in silence staring at my phone. Jenna had texted and asked if I wanted to see a movie with her and Trevor. She thought I was single, or at the very least that I was seeing Brad again. I wanted to be honest with her, I really did, but she was finally in a good place in her life. She and Trevor were going strong, thank goodness, and she was visiting a psychiatrist on campus once a week. She seemed brighter and more at ease. She didn’t need to know about my love life — the one I barely knew how to handle on my own — or about my parents splitting up. It would only make her worry and I was coping along okay. Sort of. I was home alone on a Saturday night for the first time since I was, like, twelve. But I was okay.
“Sweetheart, why are you sitting alone in the dark?” My mom asked as she walked in through our front door holding bags of groceries. She placed them on the kitchen counter and flipped on a light flitch. My eyes squinted as light filled the room.
“I was just thinking.”
She sat beside me on the couch and pulled me against her side. She placed a kiss against my head and gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze.
“What were you thinking about?” She asked, brushing some hair back from my face. “You look sad, you have for a few days but I didn’t want to bring it up until you were ready. Did something happen?”
“Yeah,” I said, nodding. I gave her my best reassuring smile, even as tears threatened to leak from the corners of my eyes. I didn’t used to be a crier, but these last few months it’s all I’ve been able to do. “But it’s nothing you need to worry about. I promise.”
“Of course I have to worry, you’re my daughter. Talk to me. Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.”
“How are you so put together? How is your world still moving? You seem fine, perfectly content to live your life without dad. I don’t understand.” My voice was thick was accusation and hurt — a lot of hurt.
She wiped the tears from my cheeks. “I had some time to process everything before I spoke to you about it the first time. Of course my heart was broken. I had just lost the love of my life, but we weren’t happy together anymore. It took some time for me to accept that but now I’m okay.”
“I just don’t understand how you could grow out of love. You two were everything to each other,” I said through tears. I really didn’t get it. They had the most stable relationship out of any I had ever seen. If they couldn’t make it, could anyone else?
“Everything has a reason,” she said. Her eyes held mine as she spoke. “Don’t ever forget that. That’s why it’s so important that we not take the time we do have for granted. Life is full of unexpected twists and turns, and each act or outcome has a reason. Everything has a reason, sweetheart.”
I couldn’t take a breath without a sob breaking through. My mother, through all her heartache and pain, was still the strongest woman I had ever known. I nodded my head and took her words in, soaking them into my whole being — mind, body, soul, heart.
Everything has a reason.
I replayed that phrase over and over in my head as she continued to hold my stare. I wiped my tears and gave her a smile.
“I’m going to take your word for it,” I said jokingly.
“You better,” she said with a wink. “Now, tell me what’s got you so upset.”
“You might think less of me once I tell you.” I warned.
Her hands gripped mine. “That’s not possible, sweetheart.”
“Okay, well, there’s this guy…”
I told her everything. Once I started with one truth
, the rest started following close behind, revealing themselves and finally breathing in sighs of relief. She listened the whole time, never once interrupting even as I told her about Jenna and her situation, about Josh and my all-to-quick forming love for him. She kept her hands on mine the entire time and gave me squeezes of encouragement to continue when I would pause to overthink it. When I was finally finished revealing all that I had kept to myself for so long, she briefly closed her eyes and gave me a small smile.
“It all sounds scary doesn’t it?” She asked.
“Yes,” I admitted.
“Don’t let that fear block out your heart’s voice,” she said. “You need to trust your own heart. You’ve always been compassionate and kind, despite what you may think. You do things thinking of others before you think of yourself. That’s an incredible trait to have. But by doing that you’re catering to all of these other hearts and ignoring your own. Don’t. Trust your own heart, Courtney, and trust that it’ll never let you down.”
“Wow,” I said with a laugh. “You sound like a Hallmark commercial.”
“Those are my favorite.” She playfully nudged my shoulder and laughed. “But I’m being serious. As cheesy as it is, if you listen to your heart and stay true to yourself and what you want, well, there’s nothing greater than that.”
“Thank you, mom. Really,” I sincerely said.
“Of course, and as for Jenna, I really hope you’ll tell me when things get that bad again. She needs professional help, sweetie.”
“I know, and she’s getting it. She’s working on it every day and it’s only been, like, a few months but already she’s showing so much improvement. If anything she’s the sane one in our friendship now.”
My mom hugged me against her side and rested her cheek against my head. “Once you work things out with Josh, I’d like to meet with him.”
“Yeah, well, I actually think I’m going to work on me for a little bit.”
“I think that’s a fantastic idea,” she said. “You’re more brave than you give yourself credit for.”
