by Esme Devlin
I swallow. “No.”
It’s not about white chocolate or dark chocolate. I thought when he opened up about his past, his family, he was letting me in. But I still feel like there are things I don’t know. Liam’s warnings rush through my head. I tried to convince myself Liam was just saying all that so he could get what he wanted, but why does everyone listen to Shaun’s dad?
Shaun doesn’t let anyone walk over him, except his dad.
I’m missing something, and whatever it is, he doesn’t want to tell me.
“Then stop being a pussy and get it done.”
I stand there, feeling like a petulant child who’s refusing to eat her carrots at dinner.
“I want to speak to Stevie.”
He looks at me for long seconds and you could slice the air between us with a knife. It’s non-fucking-negotiable so either he goes to get her or I shout on her while I’m on my way back to the car.
“Fine.”
I sit down on the bed while he goes down to fetch her. I’m in this shit so fucking deep that I can’t see the wood from the trees anymore, and I know that.
She pops her head around the door like I’m a bear and she doesn’t want to poke me.
“He’s not doing what I think he’s doing, is he?”
I gesture for her to come in and sit down, and she closes the door behind her.
“He says it was his dad. ‘He who must be obeyed’. I can’t fucking do this shit anymore, Stevie.”
I look down at my hands, feeling sorry for myself. There is a huge part of me that feels like I’ve brought this on myself to an extent. But at the time, every decision I made felt like the right thing to do.
And now I feel like I’m just digging myself further into a hole.
“He says it’s only a year. He said I could walk away. But what if his dad says no? It’s only just hit me that it doesn’t matter a fuck what Shaun says, it’s his dad who pulls the strings. We’re all just pawns in whatever the fuck he is up to.”
“Do you remember your first day at school, what I told you?” She doesn’t look at me when she asks, she looks at the wall straight in front of us and the floral embossed wallpaper.
“You said you stay away from all of it,” I tell her.
I wish I’d done what she said.
I should never have kissed Liam.
Would it have changed anything though?
“I did,” she says. “But I didn’t take my own advice, either. I got involved too, just like you did. I told myself it meant nothing, but there’s something about them. All of them. It’s like you’re wary but at the same time you’re envious. With Calvin, he makes me feel like I’m part of something. I don’t even know what the something is… but if I keep going, I’m scared that I’ll lose the will to care.”
I nod at her because I understand. No judgement here. “I remember that night, after you got spiked, and he carried you into my house. I was so scared that getting involved with Shaun would destroy me. He told me to find a way of destroying him first. I feel like a fool for ever thinking that I could.”
She shrugs half-heartedly. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t know what they were. We still don’t fucking know what they are.”
I turn around to face her. “I want to know though. Maybe I don’t have a choice in this, maybe I can’t stop what’s about to happen. But I want to know what my options are. I want to know that if I need to, I have a way of escaping.”
She’s looking at me with furrowed brows, her mouth slightly open. “What do you mean?”
I whisper because I understand what I’m about to say could put the both of us at risk. “Everyone listens to his dad. Why? He owns half the town. But why? If he hates the McGuiness family so much, why didn’t he just kill them? Why would everyone be so fucking scared of someone who doesn’t have the balls to put a bullet in his enemy’s head? Shaun told me something that happened years ago, and I never realized it at the time but the more I think about it the more it doesn’t make sense.”
“What was it?”
I pause for a few seconds. I know Shaun told me in confidence and I know that telling her would break his trust. But she needs to know the full story if we have any hope of finding out. And I don’t believe Shaun is being entirely honest with me, anyway. I think he tells me just enough to throw me off, and no more.
“Shaun’s dad had a sister — Liam’s mum. They’re cousins but no one knows, not Liam, not Heather, only Shaun. He said Liam’s mum didn’t want it, and she committed suicide when Liam was a baby. He said that was why he couldn’t do anything to Liam, but that changed after Liam attacked Heather.”
Her thoughts are running a hundred miles a second across her face. “That doesn’t explain why Shaun’s dad couldn’t do anything to Liam’s dad, though.”
“Exactly. I want to find out why.”
“Are you sure? I mean, sometimes ignorance can be a blessing.”
I shake my head at her. “I’ve been ignorant since the day I walked into this town and look at where it’s got me? No. I want answers and I want to play them at their own fucking game. Alice told me to wisen up, and so did Shaun. They treat me like I’m a naïve child. I’m going to take their advice and see how they like it. But I need your help. You’re close to Calvin. You have the history, the rumours. We can bounce theories off each other.”
She looks at me warily and this should make me nervous. She gives off this vibe that she doesn’t give a fuck about anything, except the business surrounding Shaun and this cult or brotherhood or whatever it is.
“Please,” I continue. “This is my life now, whether I like it or not. I can’t be blind anymore. I need to do this anyway, but I’d rather do it with you.”
She nods. “Okay, fine. But can we please just note what happened the last time you talked me into doing something I said was a bad idea?”
The party that sealed my fate.
“Thank you.”
“Thank me later. We’ll either be free or we’ll be dead.”
“For it is not a chain that holds you both together.”
Really? Could have fooled me.
“The rope that ties your hands signifies your union. A thousand tiny threads. Individually, they’re weak and easily broken. But twisted together, entwined with each other? They don’t snap. They don’t break. Together they are stronger than they are apart.”
I look at the man standing next to me, his face set hard on the man in front of us. No emotion. No tears stinging his eyes from the sight of his bride as she enters the room.
No flowers. No dress. No joy.
Just the thick piece of rope that ties my hand against his.
It doesn’t even feel real, and maybe that’s a good thing. I can’t get too emotional over something that doesn’t feel real.
The pastor’s words are nice. There’s a certain poetry about them and I can see how they’d be touching if it was real. A thousand tiny threads linking us together. A thousand tiny memories of moments.
How romantic.
He says some more pretty words about rings symbolizing eternity, no beginning and no end. And then I watch as Shaun places two of them on my ring finger.
They’re too big, but no doubt he’ll get them adjusted. One of them is a plain white gold band. Thick for a female ring and heavy on my finger. But it’s not the band that catches my attention; it’s the engagement ring.
This is white gold too, but you’d barely notice. Everything else fades into the background when the diamond, so big I think it has to be cubic zirconia, catches the light.
But cubic zirconia, even with the best cut, doesn’t sparkle that way.
I swallow the lump in my throat as I stare at it and then pull myself together enough to put the other ring on Shaun’s finger. This one fits perfectly.
“I now pronounce you, husband and wife. Shaun, you may kiss the bride.”
Now it’s feeling more real as I look up at his face. Still, no emotion from him. His eyes are hol
low and he looks as hard as a stone. If I had any doubts about what his intentions were before, they’re washed away by the way he is looking at me. This was about ensuring I didn’t marry Liam. Why? I’m still not sure. Maybe it’s because of what he did to his sister, or maybe it’s something more sinister. But right now I feel every bit the business transaction my father wanted.
He bends down and plants a single kiss on my lips, then withdraws as quickly as he came. The room is silent, though I feel countless eyes on me. Most of them strangers, or barely even acquaintances. Only one of them a friend.
This isn’t the way weddings are supposed to be, but it doesn’t matter. I’m doing this to get answers. And I’m not going to pretend that I’m happy about the way this has come about, because that could raise suspicion. No one in their right mind would be happy about this.
When I have my answers, I won’t need to be the pawn anymore. I’ll be a player in the game and I’ll play them every bit as well as they’ve played me.
Chapter 14
SHAUN
“You done good, son,” my mum whispers in my ear as she pulls me in for a hug.
Really? I don’t feel like it. I know I did what had to be done, and I know that’s what she’s talking about. But I wanted it to be more. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
I was supposed to have more time.
And I’m not talking about food or songs or shades of fucking chocolate. I thought I’d have time to show her properly that we might actually have a chance of making this work.
But she’s not happy, and that’s not the way I wanted this to start.
She’s sitting in the corner of the room with Stevie, keeping herself to herself. My dad sits on the other side, sipping on his whiskey and staring at a spot on the wall. His mind will be working overtime now that she’s mine. Liam can’t marry her, her dad can’t become permanent in the McGuiness business, and all that’s left to do is ruin them.
Simple.
I park my arse on the sofa next to Calvin and Doeboy. They’ve a beer each in their hands but it feels more like a wake than a wedding.
I know I should try to salvage this shit show, make it something that she might look back on at least a little bit fondly, but that sounds easier said than done. I’m in a black mood, and so is she, and the whole room can feel it.
“Out of all of us, I never had you down as the first to get hitched,” Doeboy says.
I shrug him off. “It’s hardly a castle in the highlands or a beach in Bali, is it? Can you even call this a wedding?”
Calvin clears his throat. “Anyone fancy The Undercroft? If your Gran’s not even cooking, then I don’t see the point in sitting about here all day.”
I shake my head. “I’m in no mood for the pub today.”
“Stevie,” he shouts. “Want to do tequila shots til these two cunts crack a smile?”
He nods his head between me and Lace and Stevie’s face breaks into a grin.
“Does a bear shit in the woods?”
He laughs at her and stands up. “Come along people, we’re moving this funeral to the pub.”
I watch the room, half of them grumble as they stand up and the other half chatter excitedly.
“Alice, what you done with my pipe woman?” My grandad, Jim, is patting down his pockets as if the thing is going to magically appear.
My gran tuts and makes off into the kitchen. My dad shrugs himself into his suit jacket and my mum lights up another fucking cigarette — a last one before the road, even though the pub is five minutes away. She never has empty fingers unless she’s walking, because apparently that’s not lady like.
I saunter over to Lacey feeling like I’ve got a tail between my legs, and I’m not talking about my cock. Her eyes are cold, hollow. Even before, when I was doing shit to her I wasn’t proud of, she wasn’t looking at me with a hundred mile stare.
“Turn that frown upside down,” I tell her, lacing my fingers through hers.
“Fuck off,” she mutters under her breath.
“You knew this was coming,” I say as we head for the door.
She looks up at me, a frown marring her otherwise angelic face. “Actually, I didn’t. That’s the point.”
“Listen darlin, it’s just as much a surprise to me as it is to you. You knew what you were signing yourself up for.”
There’s drizzle in the air, the type that soaks you without even knowing it and I pull her in closer to me for a bit of shelter.
“Didn’t exactly have a choice did I?”
No. But neither did I.
Chapter 15
LACEY
I wake up, and from the light coming in from the half-shut blinds it appears to be just before dawn.
Beside me, Shaun sleeps on his front, one arm under his pillow and the other dropped lazily over my stomach. I try to slide out of his arms without waking him, hoping that the amount of alcohol he consumed last night will keep him sleeping for another hour at least.
I tip toe across the room and find my clothes from yesterday, putting them on before I slip into the dark hallway. I know my way to the kitchen, the dining room, and the living room. And of course, the basement.
But where would I go to find… something? I realize I don’t even know what I’m looking for. Perhaps a library or a study or an office? The house certainly feels big enough to have one of those.
It’s 5.40am. There’s a huge grandfather clock at the end of the hall and its loud ticking as the pendulum swings is the only sound I can hear.
I head down the stairs, my steps light and careful of creaks, and give the ground floor the once over in case anyone is up. I glance into the living room on the way to the kitchen and it’s empty, although the curtains are open. Could be that no one closed them last night, though.
A light coming from the kitchen shines on the polished floor in front of me and I stop, debating if I should abandon this and go back to bed. The last thing I want is a father-daughter-in-law cosy chat with Jim. But if he’s there, I’ll just pretend like I’m thirsty and take a glass of water back up the stairs.
Sorted.
I round the corner into the kitchen and see that it’s not Jim. It’s Shaun’s mum and Alice sitting at the dining table, coffees steaming in front of them and cigarette smoke drifting from an ashtray. They both stop whatever they were talking about as they face me.
“You’re up early,” Alice says, her eyebrows slightly raised.
“So are you.”
Her face breaks into a smile as she nods. “Coffee?”
My plan was to just grab a drink of water and go back to bed if I couldn’t snoop. But maybe I can gage some information from them? It wouldn’t hurt to get to know them better. I’ve never spoken to Shaun’s mum before.
“That would be nice,” I tell her. “Will I make it? Sorry, I’m not sure where anything is.”
She tuts like normal and waves me away as she gets up from her chair. “Sit.”
“Thank you.”
“This is Angela,” she says as she gets a cup out of the cupboard and sticks the kettle on to boil.
I smile at her. “Sorry we didn’t get the chance to talk yesterday. It was all a bit of a blur.”
Angela makes a throaty noise and smiles. “Don’t worry about it.”
I take her in whilst trying to be sly about it. She has a housecoat on, not the towel type like after a bath or the fluffy type like you’d wear on a cold winter morning. It’s silk, almost like a gown, black with pink peonies. Her blonde hair is swept back off her face in a chignon, and with the long thin cigarette resting between her manicured fingernails she looks like she’s just walked off a film set, not tumbled out of bed.
“Shaun still sleeping?” Alice asks from the counter.
“Yes. He was um... a little worse for wear last night,” I tell her.
“Never known that to stop him,” she says with a chuckle, bringing my coffee over to the table.
“What are you both doing up this early?”
I ask. I try to keep my tone light to take away from how direct a question it was. It’s not like me to be this straight, but I need answers and I don’t even know which questions to ask.
It’s Angela who speaks first. “Better to conduct business while the men folk chew on their pillows. You’ll learn that soon enough.” She smirks, but it’s not unfriendly. She somehow looks less demure than she did yesterday when I saw her sitting in the corner. She was overshadowed in the presence of Shaun’s dad, and I’m ashamed to admit now that I thought of her as a trophy wife.
But without Jim here to eclipse her, she carries herself differently.
“Business?”
“Business,” Alice confirms with a shrug. “You don’t think we leave it all to those animals do you?”
I chuckle, remembering the conversations we’ve had. “I suppose not.”
What type of business though? Can I ask that?
Fuck it. Shy kids get no sweets.
I’ll let them know that I know.
“Shaun told me about Liam.”
It’s Angela who I watch as I say the words. She stares at the ashtray and exhales the smoke in her mouth carefully, as if giving herself the longest time possible before she speaks. “Shaun has a big mouth. You’ll learn that soon enough, too,” she says.
“Everyone keeps saying that. You’ll learn that. You’ll wisen up. I just want someone to straight up explain it to me. Why won’t anyone do that?”
They know what I’m talking about, and it’s not Shaun’s big mouth.
Her eyes flick towards me, her face growing serious. “What have you ever done to prove yourself?”
“I didn’t know I had too. I didn’t ask for any of this,” I tell her.
“Exactly. You think just because my son pointed his cock at you, it makes you one of us? You’ll learn one day, when you can be trusted.” She stuffs the half-smoked cigarette into the ashtray and takes a drink of her coffee.
